Fighters
by WestCoastTrees
Summary: When health news arrives that shatters their worlds, Clare and Eli fight for the things that are important to each other and to their relationship and future together.
1. What love has tethered

**This story will have a few chapters. Twitter: westcoasttrees1 (I can't access my old tumblr) and please leave a review as it's the only way that I can tell if people are reading the story. And if no people are reading it, there'd be no reason to go on. **

**A few people have asked me to write one more story and I wanted to make them happy so here it is! Don't hesitate to tweet me if you want to chat. **

**Eli's POV**

"Wait, just one second –" I quickly said, as close to my Mac's microphone as possible, staring at the image of the girl I loved on the other end.

She had just dodged my question and was peering over her shoulder. I wished so badly I could be in same room as her; I know the exact image of the winding staircase down to the first floor of her house, a house we have so memories in – both good and bad. I knew that if I closed my eyes, I could very easily conjure up the image of the hallway, that same staircase, the first floor...everything – everything that surrounded my girl everyday and everything that I could no longer touch, feel, and see from day to day – I was miles away, having just touched down in New York last week. I absolutely love it here, but everything I see...I wish I could share it with her. Every time I see something funny or interesting, it's always her that my mind goes to – how much I'd like to be able to have her by my side and just point and say, 'Hey, check that out!'. I want to hear her reaction and her thoughts to _everything_ – but I can't. I just can't.

I often text her photos of those things that I see that I want to share with her, but...that would mean hundreds of texts per day and I don't think she'd appreciate that very much. I know that she's busy in Toronto, thinking about her last year of grades that will be submitted to universities and get something published to boost up her application to Columbia. There's nothing more that I want than for her to get accepted...so that she can be here and we can finally share everything together. I told her time and time again at graduation that this year would fly by and then she'll come join me here in New York but the truth is that...I'm scared. I'm scared for the year ahead. I'm scared that I'm not good enough for NYU film. I'm scared that I'll screw everything up living on my own. So many times I thought I was finally over my illness and can manage it properly, and then I just go and screw things up again. And now I know there will be more pressures than ever, so deep down I'm very excited about being accepted but also very scared. I'm not the top dog at NYU – this isn't Toronto. I barely know my way around the city itself, and the little I know is thanks to Bullfrog's idea to come here during Christmas break.

I know why he did that, too – he thinks I don't know, but I heard him talking to mom at night. He was making her that tea he always makes her when she's upset and holding her on his lap like he always does when she's teary and sad. She was saying that they needed to do more for me, to expose me to new places and new things – and then Bullfrog suggested a family trip to New York. Cece loved it right away and she was so happy with Bullfrog – and he loved that in response, and they started making plans right away. I knew they had heard me talk about NYU film, but that was just a random dream of mine at the time. It meant the world to me that they took me there, because once I was there...it just felt right. I was struggling a lot with having to figure out what Clare kissing me meant, and I didn't want to tell my parents about it just yet because it just felt like a very private thing between me and Clare, but dad saw me hanging out with her, and I just burst it out. I don't regret it, because I've always felt okay talking to my dad about girls, more so than with Cece. I knew that Bullfrog would understand, and he just told me at that time to keep my expectations down, because girls do stuff like that and brush it off just as quickly as they do it sometimes. I knew Clare wasn't exactly like that, but I had no idea why she had kissed me and I didn't want to get my hopes up – but I know I did. It was everything I had ever wanted – which is why it also scared me. I know that Cece and Bullfrog thought I was sad and could use a change of pace, but the minute she confessed to me that she's all in...it was everything I've ever wanted to hear and I'm not going to let anything screw it up this time. Especially this long distance thing.

I checked out the profiles in the freshman welcome package – there's only _fifteen _of us. Out of hundreds of applications, they chose only fifteen. To me, that is completely ridiculous. And you should see some of the profiles of these kids – I can't believe them. I don't understand how people had all this time to do all this stuff – one kid is a famous child star and another already works at the biggest film studio in town as...a writer. A writer! He is doing right now what I think is the foundational skill of what being a good director is all about. I can't believe the group of people I'm in – next to them my bio looks completely pathetic. _Romeo and Jules _might have been enough to get me in, but it sure isn't enough to keep me in. This is why I'm so relieved that I got this gig as a production assistant. Right now, it is the _only _thing that makes me feel less stressed about coming into NYU as the odd Canadian kid who is the one who won't last here. That's the other thing – apparently by the end of the program, 50% of us will have either been asked to leave or would have left of our own free will. Isn't that the loveliest thing to read in your orientation package? I knew it would be tough here but I never imagined it to be this tough. At least I don't have to stress quite yet – I still have this summer to learn a lot of stuff and I think that after I work on this movie I will finally have a credential that will make me feel at the level of those other kids. I didn't grow up in New York and I'm not American so I just didn't have the same chances as those kids in the orientation book have had – but I think I can catch up. I can't bomb out of NYU - how could I possibly look into Clare's eyes and...fail her again? Our plan of NYU and Columbia and being together next year _has to_ work out – it just _has to_. I made a promise to myself after she trusted me fully on prom night that I would _never _fail her again. I hate myself for leaving her stressed and heartbroken and crying...time and time again. The pure image of her crying knowing it's because of something I've done...it makes me sick. Actually physically sick. From now on, all I want to work on is our happy ending. And our happy ending includes me being successful at NYU – top dog eventually. This is why I took the production assistantship in the first place – because I know I'm behind these other kids. And I hate it. And I'm going to change it.

But before I do all of that – I'm not letting her leave this conversation without clearing something up for me – ever since she said _that _word, I can actually _feel _my heart sinking. Why is she saying that? What is she doing there?

"Clare," I repeated urgently, noticing she was avoiding my gaze. "What hospital? What call? Why did the hospital call?" I asked again, feeling more confused than ever. Bullfrog said – he _said _– before I left, that the biggest problem in long distance relationships is communication breaks down. That's never exactly been me and Clare's strongpoint...ever, and I'm not about to let it ruin everything.

"Eli," she sighed, and I noticed her chin trembling a bit, which made my heart sink even lower.

"Sweetheart," I burst out, not sure where that even came from – I had never called her that before, but something about the look in her eyes made me plead with her in this manner.

"What is it, come on, you're killing me over here," I said in a low voice, and I hated that my hands were starting to shake. For once, I even came close to being grateful that Clare wasn't here to see that, because I didn't want her to see me as weak or...showing signs of...signs of...I just didn't want her to see that stupid shaking that I can't ever seem to get under control.

"It's nothing," she said, all of a sudden breaking out into a shiny smile and confusing me from head to toe.

"In my experience, a hospital doesn't just make courtesy calls – nor do they tell you to come in," I told her, narrowing my eyes at her because I didn't understand why she was acting like this. I instantly regretted using the words "in my experience" the moment they were out of my mouth, though. I don't want to think about my experience in that hospital.

Nothing good has ever happened for me in that hospital. My best guy friend had to go there because he was shot. The absolute lowest moment of my life happened in that hospital, and I have never been as scared as I was that night. I had no idea what was happening to me, and the worst part is that I didn't even know how sick I was at that point. I can't even think about it for too long because I don't recognize myself like that. I don't ever want to be like that again.

And even if that was the lowest moment of my own personal life, it wasn't the worst. The worst moment of my life was in that hospital as well. My doctor told Bullfrog that..."it's at the root of everything" – Bullfrog didn't tell me she had said that, but I overheard him talking to Cece and telling her that one really late night. My first love died there. She died right in front of my eyes. I watched that doctor – who looked all of eighteen years old, by the way – rip her favourite blouse in one fell swoop like he was just about to help himself to the girl I loved more than anything at the time. He shocked her body with hundreds of volts of electricity again and again until he decided that that was enough of his precious time and he just..._declared_ her dead. Can you believe that? He 'declared' her dead. As if she was a shopping mall that you declare open. The whole thing disgusted me to no end, and it's something that I will always live with, that I know. I _tried _– I tried to get him to try something else, to do it again, to just do _something, anything_ – but he didn't. Because I was just the fourteen year old punk who couldn't be controlled by security. Didn't he understand that I was the only one she had? The only one who cared? All her dad cared about was that vile woman that wanted Julia gone out of every facet of their 'new life' together, and it had been one year and half since her mom died. I was all she had. It was my job to fight for her, especially because it was my fault she was on the road on that time – and I tried to fight, but I failed. Cece says the doctor did all he could, but I know I'll always have to live with that sliver of a doubt...he could have tried longer. He could have tried harder. And I couldn't get him to.

I shook those thoughts out of my head because I know that I can't stay on that thought path for longer than I already have, and I need to figure out what's going on with Clare. But as I looked at my screen and saw her smiling brightly and trying to change the subject about some trip to Paris, I could sense that I wasn't getting anywhere with her. I sensed that I needed a follow-up question.

"Clare," I started, looking at her directly and speaking softly. "Does this have anything to do with your nosebleed? I knew we should have gotten that checked out," I said, kicking myself mentally for not having done that. I was all...I was on cloud nine that morning, basically, and I obviously wasn't thinking straight on the necessity of the visit to the doctor.

"Clare," I pleaded again.

"Um, yes," she said, shrugging. "But it's not a big deal, Eli," she added. "Can we get off this subject now," she then said, and I could tell she was getting irritated. But I wasn't about to do that – no way.

"Like hell we will," I replied, regretting that I was being short with her.

"You know what? Just leave me alone, Eli," she then fired back, and by now she was completely irritated.

I knew I needed to change approaches.

"Sorry," I honestly said at once. "Clare," I sighed, and now I had her attention as I continued, "you know what we said about how we have to work hard at communication while I'm away," I reminded her. I could tell that she was getting less...prickly now. "Please, Clare, just tell me. I love you," I felt the need to remind her.

"I love you too," I then heard her say warmly, and she gave me that soft look of hers that made me want to kiss her and hold her as close as possible. Two things that I, of course, could not do.

"So then please tell me what the hospital called about," I begged.

"Okay, but promise me you'll calm down a little, Eli," she said, rolling her eyes at me. A gesture I did not appreciate right now. My girl is going to the hospital and I didn't even know? Not the time to be rolling your eyes at me.

"Just tell me, please," I sighed.

"It's no big deal, really," she shrugged again, "my mom just took me to the hospital because my nosebleed wouldn't stop that day, that's all. They just did some tests and now they called me to come in for the results. That's it – see, no big deal," she said again, taking a deep breath and releasing it.

"Are you kidding me?" I yelled. "This isn't a big deal? It's monumental," I gritted. "Was this the day after prom?" I then asked, gasping as things started falling into place for me. "See, I _knew_ I should have taken you in," I told her.

"No, Eli, no," Clare sighed. "I'm supposed to tell you every tiny detail of my life?"

"I thought we shared everything," I said, disappointed. "And the hospital calling you in is not what I'd classify as a tiny detail," I let her know.

"Please, it's just a nosebleed," Clare replied.

"They didn't say what might be causing it? Do you get them a lot, I've never seen you get them before, not once," I said, my mind racing a mile a minute.

"Dry air," Clare replied at once.

"That's it?" I asked, puzzled.

"Yes, Eli, that's it," Clare repeated. "_This_ is just my mom being a worrywart," Clare said, rolling her eyes playfully, and in that moment Helen Edwards was my favourite person in the person. Damn right she should be a worrywart, I thought to myself, knowing better than to share that reaction with Clare. Damn right she should take her to get checked out. Helen was doing everything right, and in this moment I completely loved her for it. I'm still not sure what impression Clare's mom has of me – I thought I started off pretty well there, but...after all my problems, I have no idea how much she knows and what she thinks of me. I know that that's something I will have to work on in the future. Helen has to like me. She has to approve of me. I think I've finally won over Alli, but I really worry about Helen. A lot. But for right now it sounds to me as if her and I agree on at least one thing.

"There's nothing else going on?" I asked. "Be honest, please...because...Clare..." I stumbled.

"What?" she asked.

"Just...I hated to see that blood on your face. I'm really worried about you now," I told her honestly but the expression on her face was unlike anything I've seen before when I told her that. I couldn't even read it...but something was off here. This isn't right, I can just _feel _it. Something is off about her.

"Eli," she then said, and I saw her brush her beautiful curls out of her eyes and make a motion as if reaching through for my hand through the screen. I mirrored her action and immediately missed the warm feeling of holding her hand in mine so much that I felt my eyes get watery. This long distance thing...it was gonna kill me. I might have been putting on a brave face for Clare, but I knew that it was killing me. Just one year. One year. I just have to keep telling myself that. We can make it. There is no other way; that is it; I love her with all my heart and we _will _make it.

"I don't want you to worry about me. Today was your first full day in New York, tell me about it," she said, smiling and opening her eyes up wide playfully.

"I could care less about my first full day in New York, screw it," I replied, because it was how I genuinely felt. "Do the nosebleeds last a long time? Do they hurt? How much do they happen? How do you sleep at night – is it okay? Do you get headaches? Do you – " I began, before Clare cut me off.

"Eli, please, enough. _You're_ being the worrywart now. People have tiny check-up things every once in a while. I don't freak out at you every time you have to go to the doctor's now do I? There wouldn't be enough time in the day to do anything else!" she giggled, but that last sentence hit me like a ton of bricks. It felt a knife aimed right at my heart.

"Yeah," I said bitterly as I looked down and away from the screen, "full time job," I mumbled bitterly.

"I didn't mean it like that," she then softly replied.

"I know," I said after taking a deep breath, but I could still hear the echoes of that sentence in my mind.

"I gotta go," Clare then said abruptly, and I hated to hear those words.

"Are you going to the –" I started asking before she cut me off again.

"Eli, stop," she said strictly.

"Please call me the minute the appointment ends," I pleaded. "Please, Clare," I said again. "Promise," I asked.

"Okay, all right, geez, I promise. Don't worry, Eli," she said with a smile. "I love you," she added, and I felt my heart warming at those words coming out of her mouth. Those were the words I wanted…the words I had been waiting for.

"I love you too. We can do this. One less day to wait now. Every day Clare, every day," I repeated to her, "is one day closer to you. That's what day is for me…just…one day closer to you," I told her, not wanting to hold back. She needed to know how I felt.

"Bye," she said quickly, shutting off the program before I could even catch one last glimpse of her.

"So I hope you've fine with working sixteen hour days – and I'm not just saying that Eli, the production assistant is often the first person to arrive and the last to finish. We'll be going until three of four am most days, depending on whether we get all the shots we need," I watched my boss Chris tell me as he gave me a tour of the studio.

"Hey, fine by me, I like late hours," I said, shrugging and taking everything in. This was...amazing. I know I have only been here one day, but I can just tell that...I can do _good_ here. I will study, I will learn, I will pick up on things, I will earn my position among all those kids who have been living in the movie world pretty much all of their lives – all my soon to be classmates, many of whom were born into this life. I will learn from Chris and from everyone here and I will earn everything that I need to so I can make a good life for myself and Clare. I know that I can make her proud to say who her boyfriend is, I can do this for the both of us. Because she's all I think about when I have a minute to rest – how much I miss her. And now I'm freaking out waiting to hear from her about the results of her nosebleed test – and she hasn't texted me all day.

I began gravitating around the director and he soon enough gave me a bunch of jobs to do – pretty standard things, mainly relaying messages back and forth and making sure things were getting done on time. I knew I'd have to put in my dues before I'd get to do anything more exciting, but when he gave me a copy of the script – that was my favourite moment of the day. Having that script in my hands...it felt different than any of the projects I've ever worked on before, where I was the one to write the script and frantically photocopy it next to high school attendance lists in the office – this was...this was the _real deal. _And for a ridiculous moment, I felt like...I had truly made it. I shook that notion out of my head because I knew that I was just an assistant, but I knew that if I put in the time and the hard work that I want to here...I can do well. I can make this happen.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like...I can go after all of my dreams and then share them with the girl that I love the most.

I glanced at my phone. Nothing. No flashing light, no little star indicating that I had a text message. I'd give it until the end of today – I was told orientation day would be short – and then I'd call her.

**Clare's POV**

"I promise you that we will fight this with every resource that we have. She is young. She is healthy. I have seen similar cases and I promise you that I will personally oversee every second of her progress..."

...the words were floating around the room but I wasn't paying any attention to them – I can't. I just can't grasp it, which is probably why Dr. Masterson has stopped addressing me and has moved on to talking only to my mom.

No. No. No. No. No. No. I don't want this. Any of this. I don't want to sit in a doctor's office with my mom in tears in the children's oncology ward of this hospital. I hate this hospital. I have nothing but bad memories in this hospital.

I...have...I have..._cancer_. I...knew it. I wanted so badly to deny it, to convince myself that it was nothing - just a scare, just like Alli said – but...I knew ever since the biopsy. It's always like this – my worst fear comes true. It's always what happens to me – I think a bad thought and I want to avoid it, I want to say it won't be so, but...my worst feelings always come true.

_They're fighting so much that I'm afraid dad doesn't love mom anymore. I'm afraid they're getting a divorce. _And they did.

_I'm afraid he's not well. I'm afraid Julia's death did irreparable damage and I don't think I can help him. I think he scares me now. I think he's not in control of himself. _And he wasn't.

_I'm afraid I won't ever be able to be the fun, carefree girl he wants. I'm afraid this isn't my style; he says it's not casual anymore but why do I feel like he'll walk away any second if I don't become more exciting. If I don't keep him...satisfied. _And he was all wrong for me.

_I'm afraid...I'm sick. I'm afraid that lump is exactly what I fear it is. I'm afraid it's a...tumour. _And it is.

"We'll schedule the surgery as soon as possible – the waiting list is currently four months, but spots do open up and I will assure you that due to Clare's specific conditions, time is critical. I know that we can help her, but we have to help her fast –" the doctor with the blonde hair was saying.

"I will pay whatever it takes – private healthcare, a specialist –" my mom said, leveling her voice and taking out her pocketbook. The young resident gently laid his hand on top of hers and shook his head.

"That is not how it works, ma'am. I assure you Dr. Masterson is the best. Clare's covered under regular Ontario care- " the conversation continued as my eyes flooded with tears.

I can't be here. _Let's go mom, let's go, _I silently pleaded.

"Mom," I said softly. "I want to go home," I said quietly. "Can't we do this later, talk to all the doctors," I indicated, shooting the doctors an apologetic look.

"Sweetheart, we have to talk about this with them, we have to make a plan," mom replied gently.

"Not now, just...not now," I whined, because I knew I could no longer control the tears and I was embarrassed because there were so many people in this room and all I want is to be alone.

When my mom silently nodded and squeezed my hand, I was so relieved and I rushed out of that building as fast as I could, hearing my mom's heels rushing to stay behind me.

"Oh my poor sweet girl," I heard mom say as she brushed my hair back once we were in the car seat, and I could tell that she was devastated. "We will get through this," she said, drawing a deep breath and shooting me a courageous smile. "You heard the doctors. We will do the treatment and I will take good care of my baby," she continued, pulling me into a hug. It had been so long since I have hugged my mom that...it felt nice. I could feel the soft fabric of her blazer absorb my tears and sniffles.

"You have to go to work, I'm sorry, I'm getting your blazer so messy," I muffled into her warm hug as I pulled away.

"Don't you worry about that Clare," she said in a tone that she hadn't used with me since I was a little girl. "I think I'm going to take today off," she then said with a smile.

"Mom, no," I said sternly. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen – this kind of special treatment...everyone...treating me differently.

"I thought maybe we could go get manicures together," I then heard my mom suggest.

"Mom, just because...I have cancer," I choked out, saying it out loud for the first time now that it was for certain, "doesn't mean my life stops. I have to work on my article for Columbia, I have to get it published, and do you seriously think Drew actually finished any of the student council work I left him with?" I said, rolling my eyes. "I need you to drive me back to school please," I said emphatically, crossing my arms over my chest.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Clare. You heard what the doctors said about stress – it's absolutely critical that we do all that is necessary so you keep the levels down. You heard them say that it is like poison to your system," my mom protested.

"I want to go back to school," I muttered angrily. Why couldn't she understand?

"Not happening, Clare, not today," my mom insisted.

"Just because I have cancer," I repeated again, this time more angrily, "doesn't mean you get to tell me what to do," I said, opening the car door so as to get out.

"Clare, don't," I heard my mom say. "I'll drive you to school honey, of course I will, of course," she then told me, and I was happy she was finally somewhat starting to listen to me.

"Thank you," I muttered.

We drove in silence for a few blocks before she parked in front of Degrassi and got out of the car.

"What are you doing?" I asked in horror.

"I think I'd like to talk to your principal, Clare, get him informed of the situation," my mom said as she straightened her hair.

"No!" I told her at once.

"Clare...your teachers, they have to know. I mean what I said about your stress levels. And I think we need to stop with the student council thing too, you know," my mom stressed.

"Absolutely not! Mom...this is my life," I told her. "You can't just butt in and change everything! I worked hard to get to where I am at Degrassi and I'm not going to let this impact my plans of Columbia, of New York – I don't get a second shot at admissions. It's now or never," I tried to reason with her as we stood next to our car in the Degrassi parking lot. I was grateful that third period was in session so no one was around. I could see the football team in the distance practicing on the lower field, but I knew that they were too far away to hear anything.

"There are more important things in life right now than Columbia and New York, Clare," my mom began to say.

"No!" I said, and I felt the tears rolling down my eyes. "You don't get to take that away from me! I want to try, Ms. Oh said I have a good chance. I watched Eli try with NYU and he got it! He got it! I want to try too," I said stubbornly. "Everything else is falling apart, but I won't lose everything I've worked for mom, I won't," I yelled.

"Sweetheart, I love that you are so driven. But sometimes it's important to know when you have to take a break. Columbia and student council and all of these things that at the end of the day do not matter – they can all be put on hold, darling," my mom was insisting.

"Don't you get it? They matter to me! They matter to me! I don't want a break!" I told her.

I heard her sigh and watched as she shook her head at me and then took a deep breath.

"All right, Clare, all right. But we will talk about this at home," she somewhat gave in. "And we do have to tell your teachers, and your principal," she then said, her voice taking on a gentle tone as she got closer to me and placed one of my curls behind my ears. This was something she used to do all the time when I was little and upset, and she hadn't done it since...since the time she explained her and dad's divorce. Just this motion made me tear up, and I couldn't stop it.

I could not stop it. And just like that, I felt everything hit me like a tidal wave that wouldn't let me breathe. I felt the tears rushing down my face as I ran into my mom's arms and she softly stroked my curls. When I began choking from my strange inability to draw enough air into my lungs, I squeezed my eyes shut until I recovered by trying to calm down a little. My mom was whispering soothing words into my ear, but I saw that she was crying too – crying a lot. When I felt another pair of arms join my hug and saw pink and purple bangles through my tears, I knew that Alli must have sneaked out of third period and waited for me near the entrance.

"So...it's positive?" she whispered as my mom pulled away and it was just the two of us left hugging.

"Uh huh," I muttered through my tears.

"I will do all the research in the world and we will get through this Clare – we'll kick this cancer butt," Alli said, and in the moment I loved her playfulness as she squeezed my hand so hard that it hurt. "I need you to tell me everything the doctor said," she then whispered.

"Alli, please no," I whimpered. That was the last thing I wanted to do. "Please, I just want to go to class. Washroom first, then go to class," I specified, knowing that I had to fix this make-up situation that I had.

"Clare..." Alli protested.

"I couldn't even hear it, Alli, I was...I was too shocked. Talk to my mom," I shrugged. "I don't want to hear anything about biopsies anymore," I told her. "And I don't need you to be my doctor right now. I need you to be my best friend," I told her, hating how she wanted to do research...on me.

"I'm sorry Clare," she said, and a gust of Toronto summer wind blew her hair into her face before she brushed it away.

"I'm sorry," she repeated, and she then linked her arm in mine. "Washroom, then class," she said with a wink as we turned around towards the school after waving bye to my mom.

Once inside the washroom, she gently re-did my make-up, and I really hoped that she hadn't seen my shaking hands, but deep down inside I knew that that was why she took over make-up duties.

"There, all prettied up again," Alli said in an encouraging tone as I looked in the mirror.

"I feel...different," I whispered, because when I looked into my eyes...they looked...empty.

"Too much smoky eye? I knew I overdid it," Alli apologized.

"No...no...that's not it," I replied, shaking my head.

"Clare...I will be here every step of the way. You're young, you're healthy. Your chances must be good," Alli said slowly.

"There will be a...surgery," I finally managed to get out, the words feeling like vinegar coming out of my mouth. "In four months...maybe longer, depending on the surgery list. They say...time is," I said, then shook my head to make my bangs hide my forehead, "critical," I said, hating that word.

"To...get rid of the lump?" Alli asked carefully.

"It's...operable," I told her. "They said that...I need to do that. That my chances get a lot better after that," I informed her as I stared at my empty eyes in the mirror.

"Did they...say what the chances were?" Alli said, taking my hand.

"No," I told her, "Or...maybe to my mom. It depends a lot on the surgery...if they get it all..." I whispered.

"They _will_," Alli said emphatically. "They will. And we will deal with this together. I'm here, Clare. Whatever you need, whenever you need it," Alli repeated.

"Thank you," I told her, embracing her one last time.

"And..." she then said gently, "There's another person who I think will also be here every step of the way, Clare. You...should tell him. You should tell Eli," Alli then whispered, giving me a squeeze and making my heart sink. I've been thinking about that ever since I was first told.

"I...will," I said gently. "But Alli...news like this...it could...it could break him," I said, as a fresh round of tears invaded my eye. "He's so happy right now, and he's just starting his new job...what if...with Julia...and..." I trailed off.

"Clare," Alli said, pulling away so she could look me in the eyes directly, "I think...I think you need him," she said softly. "And I think...I think you need to give him a little credit," she added.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, remember with...Asher?" Alli said gently, and that name made me flinch. That is the last thing I needed to be reminded of right now.

Alli then continued, "Remember how you didn't want to tell Eli because of the play, and because you thought it would break him? Well, I thought he did very well there, and I think...I think he helped you in the end. You being in that kind of danger I'm sure was very difficult for Eli to stomach – you know how he's crazy protective, you know better than anyone – but...he was there for you, and he helped you. He didn't go crazy," Alli pointed out, and I nodded slowly.

"But this Alli...this is different," I reasoned.

"How?" Alli asked. "Remember how you said that he was sad with Asher because he said he was the first person you are supposed to go to with your problems? Now, I've heard what he says about how he is your best friend, and I take offence at him trying to de-throne me – " Alli said, narrowing her eyes playfully, and she managed to get a giggle out of me. "_But _I think...I think he could help you," she continued. "I think...I think you need to tell him Clare," she added.

"I will," I told her, wanting this conversation to end. "I'll tell him. Though I don't think there's much he can do from New York, and it will only mess him up," I said, thinking it through a little.

"Well, maybe it's time for him to come home. To be here," Alli told me, and those words made me shake my head at once.

"No – no way. He just started his job today! Today! He cannot come home for me. I made up my mind a long time ago that Eli cannot miss anything for me, not during this year," I told her resolutely.

"Well, I still think you need to tell him. I think he'll pull a big grand gesture and fly on a carriage to you," she teased, elbowing me playfully, and as much as I wanted to laugh, that only made me more sad. Because...it made me think of Eli...here...where I could touch him, hold him and let him hold me – he could wrap his arms around me and I could burrow in his embrace and just lie there, smelling his scent that I desperately want so badly to feel around me, to remember, but...it escapes me. How can it be that he's only been gone a few days and I can't remember his smell? I can't feel it anymore.

"He can't come. Where he is right now...he's worked his whole entire life to be there – I can't screw this up for him," I told myself just as much as I told Alli.

"Forget about him coming...just...just tell him. One step at a time. You can worry about whether or not he's coming later," Alli told me. She then linked her arm in mine again and playfully said..."You ready to take on the school, miss VP?" and as much as I wanted to giggle with her because I knew that that was the reaction that she wanted...I couldn't. Just hearing that title made me...all stressed out.

"Ready," I lied.

**Eli's POV**

_That_ was supposed to be a short day?

It's 1am and I'm just getting home now, after seeing some sights that I'm certainly not used to in Toronto. Change of plans. I'm not bringing Clare to this part of town. There's no way I'm exposing my girl to this – it's disgusting and completely dangerous. I don't mind it – it's cheap and I need to save money for flights so I can see Clare more than just at Christmas, I'd like to save enough money to see her before school starts, I'm thinking in that first week of September. I'm so relieved that NYU offered me a scholarship that covers tuition – and the best part is that it's renewable every year, so as long as I keep my act together, I won't have to worry about tuition but I still have rent to pay for. I worked at Bullfrog's station on Sundays organizing the music room, but that money is practically gone after organizing my little stunt for Clare at prom, and my parents fronted me the summer rent, but I want to pay them back for that using the money from my production assistant job. I calculated it and I will only have $200 per month after the rent problem, and flights are at least $500. It will be tight, but I don't need coffee everyday and I don't need to ear out and I don't need to go to movies without my girl because I wouldn't want to anyway. The museums and art galleries in New York – it's a haven – but most of them have one night of free admission so I'll go then. I'd rather starve than not make enough money to go home at least once before school starts.

And the worst part of it all is that I can't call Clare at 1am and she didn't pick up my earlier calls in the evening – which made me completely paranoid. I know this will be a sleepless night – in seven hours I can call her, because she wakes up early for school. I can do it. It's 1 am now, I can make the time go by quickly. I need to review all of my notes and set up a list of things that I need to get done tomorrow.

**Seven hours later -**

"I'm sorry I missed your calls," I heard her sweet voice say into the microphone, and I thought of it traveling across so many miles to get to my lonely one room apartment in New York. I didn't even have time to put any posters up yet.

"You worried me," I told her at once. "Clare...you can't do this to me, not giving any sign of life," I said, because I'm sure I looked just like the mess that seven hours of no sleep will do to you.

"Sorry," was all that she provided me with, and she didn't look all that pleased either.

"It's just that...I told you...I worry," I told her, giving her full disclosure. "And with the doctor's thing too, please tell me, Clare, please," I outright begged her.

"Oh!" she said, looking as if she just remembered about that. "The doctor gave me a nasal spray. All better," she said, giving me a cheeky wink.

"That's it? Did he say what was wrong? Why...why it's happening?" I asked her.

"Silly Eli, what more do you want?" she teased me, and I could sense a change in her tone. "It's just a nasal spray. Now tell me about work – your first day, it must have been so exciting!" she said in a high pitched voice.

"It was...wonderful," I told her, and I'm sure I looked like a glassy eyed fool.

"See, I knew it would be exciting!" she said, and her eyes were shining because she was right. I loved that playfulness about her – she loved being right and I loved providing her with those moments. "What did you do exactly?" she then asked, and I began to list all of my tasks for her.

"Very exciting indeed," she then said again, a slow smile spreading on her face. "But..." she then continued, biting her lower lip and winking at me. "Is it more exciting than...this?" she added in a husky voice, and I could almost not believe what I was seeing. Was she...she had started something like this in our last conversation before she was interrupted by that hospital call...and...I felt my throat go dry at once as I fought to swallow. I missed her like crazy...and...all I wanted to do in this moment was kiss her and hold her. I wanted to feel her warm body in my arms and keep her there, right there where she should be – just in my arms. When her fiery red blazer came off to reveal a tight black top, I almost wanted to pinch myself. I had never done anything like this – this was new to me, and I wondered just what exactly she had in mind.

"Clare..." I managed to choke out as I felt as if my entire body was on fire, "You're so beautiful," I told her honestly, wanting so badly that she could be here with me right now.

She shot me a playful giggle and then she whispered, "Eli...how I miss you," and a shiver crossed my entire body at those words.

"I miss you too. I love you so much Clare," I told her again – because I never wanted her to forget that.

"Uh huh," she replied, sliding off a strap of her black blouse and leaving me completely defenceless.

"I love you," I repeated.

"Yes," she said, and just as fast as that blaze entered my body, I now felt an icy fear sweep me up in a tornado of...feeling like something was off here.

"Clare, hang on a second," I blurted out, half of me regretting it and the other half of me fighting to get it out. "We...maybe we should talk about this," I told her, feeling my eyebrows narrow.

"What's there to talk about?" she continued, sliding off her other strap.

"Um," was all I managed to get out as I gulped at the sight of her bare shoulders – I wanted so badly to be able to place a kiss on either one, but I couldn't.

"I miss you so much," I said with a heavy sigh. "But...you don't have to do this. It's amazing that you trust me so much. I love you with all my heart, and you're the sexiest girl in the world but...we haven't talked about it and...I think we should," I told her, because...this was different than the first time she slid off her jacket, leaving me incapable of saying anything but "Woah". She seemed...all theatrical-like, not...not like my girl. Was something bothering her? She didn't think that...surely she didn't...

"You don't have to do this," I repeated. "Don't feel like you have to...do this just because we're not in the same city," I said softly, and she didn't even meet my eyes.

"Ugh, Eli," she then blurted out, and I could tell she was mad. She fixed her shirt and slipped her jacket back on.

"I don't wanna talk," she then as she flashed me a stubborn pout. "I was just trying to have a moment with my boyfriend who is thousands of miles away and all he wants to do is talk! Give me a break," she then said, sounding very angry.

"You think this is easy for me?" I then said defensively. "I've been up the past seven hours because you never called me back," I fired at her, knowing that I shouldn't have shared that as soon as I said it.

"What?" she then said, looking puzzled.

"Nothing," I muttered.

"Eli," she then softly sighed. "I love you," she then said, loudly and clearly and my heart leapt at that. "I'm sorry, it's just been...a long day," she added.

"What happened?" I asked at once. If that punk Drew was giving her a hard time in student council, I'd have to have a talk or two with Adam and with him.

"Nothing," she then said with a warm smile. "Just...a long day yesterday," she sighed.

"Maybe today will be better?" I offered.

"I'm certain it will," she then said, shooting me a bright smile and looking down for a second. "I'm tired," she then added, and her polarizing sentiments were confusing me.

"Okay. I'm sorry for making you talk so early," I told her, shooting her a sad smile.

"No, no I wanted to," she reassured me, but the way her shoulders moved and the look in her eyes...it didn't seem to match her words.

"Do you have a lot of stuff to do today?" I asked her, worried at her workload.

"Tons," she said, and she already looked so tired. So very tired.

"Clare...I'm with you even when I'm not with you. Just...remember that as you go through your day today. I love you. You know what you mean to me. You're...everything to me," I told her, feeling a wave of emotion sweep over me.

"I have to go," she said, and she looked away from me and I wished that I could get a clearer transmission because I thought...I thought I saw her look...tormented by something. I wanted so badly to be there and save her from whatever problem she was having...it must be student council stuff. It must be _something. _In Toronto. And I'm all the way in New York.

With an even longer work day ahead of me. As I packed my bag for the day and walked to the subway, I couldn't shake the feeling that...something was wrong. That same feeling I had when she was at that God damned internship with the man I hated more than anyone I've ever met or heard or read about. She said nothing was wrong though, I reminded myself as the train reached the platform, and as it speeded up so fast that I was sure it would fly off the track – the subway was so much faster here than in Toronto – another thought crossed my mind. _I was right. I was right that time – something was wrong, something was very wrong. I could have stopped it had I known about it earlier – I could have stopped it. I wasn't just crazy, I was...I was right. _This is what I hated most about my illness – I couldn't even trust my own feelings. The most personal side of one's identity was always something to doubt in my case. As I closed my eyes in pure exhaustion, hoping I could make it through another 16 hour day without having had a moment of sleep since I got to work yesterday, I remembered all those looks on her face. Were they irritation with me? Was she angry? Tired? Both? As I forced myself to open my eyes again – I can't fall asleep or I'll miss my stop – I couldn't help but grip the handlebar so hard that it hurt.

_I wasn't wrong then. Why was she acting like that? Why was she doing those things? Why was she...not talking to me? Great, it's been a few days and so much for her and I having the best communication we've ever had. No. I'm not wrong. Something is happening with my girl. Last time I was there, and I couldn't stop it. Now I'm thousands of miles away. No. I'm not wrong. Something or someone is hurting my girl. And I won't stand for that. It's my job to look after her. It's my job to make her happy. I'm not crazy, dammit. I'm not crazy, dammit. I know her, I know her mannerisms. Something is wrong. Something is rotten in the state of Toronto and I'm thousands of miles away with only $200 in my pocket. No. I'm not crazy. I'm not. I know her and something is wrong with my girl. Something is wrong. _

I ran up the many stairs in the narrow exit out of the subway and walked angrily to the studio. How could I fix this? What can I do? She's hiding something.

As all those thoughts swarmed through my head, I was almost hit by a yellow taxi who I did not see coming for one second. As I sat down on a bench in order to catch my breath after that fright – I could feel my heart pounding – I realized that I can't keep this sleep thing up. I feel like a walking zombie, and…it's dangerous. If I can't even cross the street, who knows what else can happen to me on no sleep. And I've only been here for two days and I'm already breaking one of the biggest coping techniques I have. Maybe two, even – I usually have a coffee in the morning, but that's an expensive habit for my new budget, as are a few other things I'd always eat at home. I'm not going to fool myself by saying that I can handle it – I need to get on top of this stuff and eat and sleep properly.

But that's not my biggest problem right now.


	2. I'll Wait for You

**Chapter 2 – please leave me a review with your thoughts so I know what you think! They influence my writing a lot as I pay very close attention to your predictions and what you say about the story, so please share those with me! And you can also tweet me at westcoasttrees1. **

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**Clare's POV**

"We can just have a tailgate party! That should get us the money in like a second, who doesn't love a good party?" Drew practically shouted in my face, holding his hand up for a high-five that I so didn't feel like returning.

"No, Drew," I just sighed as I slammed my binders down on the student council table.

"Don't be such a party pooper Clare," he told me as he rolled his eyes at me.

"Do you even have the slightest idea of what carrying out that plan would actually entail? It's not as easy as saying 'let's have a party' and then it just magically combusts in front of you! It takes hard work Drew – work that you're not even aware of – you just think it all works itself out! But it doesn't – other people work it out for you and you just think it works itself out! You need a permit from the city, not to mention getting it passed by Simpson _and_ by the parents' board, and we'd need to order the food, make posters, ensure refrigeration abilities, figure out all the volunteers to cook the food – they might even need FoodSafe certificates, and if they do, that means we have to use the ladies from the caf, and you know they don't like working outside of school hours-" I began explaining, feeling such a powerful headache coming on. I knew he wouldn't do any of this...I'd have to do it all. And I absolutely needed to figure out my entry for the writing contest – it was in two weeks and a half weeks and I had nothing. Nothing! I had planned on eliminating all distractions and working just on that – but now this event Drew threw at me would suck up all of my free time. And...I now also had to make time for..._chemotherapy. _

_Chemotherapy. _I can't even say it outloud. I have to go there every two days after school – apparently it's necessary as soon as possible, and there's no end date in sight as the doctors have no idea when my surgery will be. And I will have to do it after the surgery as well – and...what if I don't respond to it? Dr. Masterson said that it depends a lot on if I respond to treatment. And seeing how all my worst fears have a habit of coming true, I...I don't know what I would do if I don't respond to therapy. How could I ever tell Eli _that? _I know I'm making him suffer right now and I hate myself for it. I know I'm confusing him and...I don't want to. But he's always so worried about me – and that was _before_ I was...diagnosed with cancer. I can think it, but I can't say it. I can't bring myself to say it out loud ever again. How am I supposed to tell him? It would _kill _him. I'm almost glad he's far away in one way – I don't have to subject him to any of this. I know Alli keeps telling me I should tell him, but...I honestly think Eli's biggest fear in life is that the people he loves most will be hurt. Like...like Julia was. If I tell him I'm sick...it'll be like his biggest nightmare coming true.

What if he pulls another one of his stunts and flies here on a whim? I know that they're working him like crazy over there and it takes a long time to come all the way to Toronto from New York. There's no point in doing it in a weekend because by the time he arrives he'd only have a few hours in town. And I know that production doesn't stop filming on the weekends. This is the one thing Eli's wanted all his life – an opportunity like working on that movie. I can't be the reason it gets taken away from him, no matter how much I might want to hug him like there's no tomorrow right now. I really don't know what to do. How to tell him. By phone? By Skype? By text? By e-mail? I'm not used to not...having him right here, where I can tell him looking right into his eyes, where I can judge his reaction by his body language, and not have to depend on grainy Skype footage to try to read his expressions. Eli is like an open book sometimes, but at other times he's the most covert person I know – if he wants to hide something from me, I know he can.

"Hello – earth to Clare," I heard Drew say as he waved a hand in front of my face.

"Ugh," I said, slapping his hand out of my face. "No, Drew. It's a bad idea," I told him outright.

"No it's not – _you_ just don't know how to have any fun!" he snapped back at me.

"Maybe I don't feel like having any fun right now. And you're not smart enough to pull any of this off without me," I muttered, turning away from him because he was really starting to make me angry with his Mr-Popular attitude. How am I supposed to work with this guy for an entire year? Katie? Yes, could have easily done that. Fiona? Sure. Even Holly J, but _not_ Drew.

"Well, I'm president, and you're my vice, so you _have to_ do what I say," he then told me.

"I don't have to do anything I don't want to," I told him, grabbing my bag and walking out of the room. "Figure it out yourself, Mr. President," I told him, knowing that I would just end up doing all the work in the end anyway.

But I just...I couldn't deal with that right now, I thought to myself as I walked by Adam and Imogen talking together in the hallway. Seeing that image made me miss Eli at once – _it's not fair that Imogen is here another year while I can't have my Eli with me_, I thought as I felt my eyes get a little teary.

"Clare? Everything alright?" I heard Adam ask gently.

"No," I snapped back, regretting that I was taking everything out on him. But I was just so...tired.

"What's wrong?" he asked me.

"I have...I have..."I began, attempting to say it.

But what if Adam tells Eli? I know how easy it is to get stuff out of Adam – I did it myself when I wanted to find Eli; all you have to do is apply a little pressure and he caves. And to Eli, I can only imagine that he'd talk even sooner. I have to tell Eli on my own terms. No one else can do it for me.

And Imogen, she'd tell Eli for sure – I don't like it deep down, but I know that Eli looks out for her and that they're friends. She has no loyalties to me – she'd tell Eli for sure.

"I have a lot of work to do," I stumbled, moving away from them.

"Need any help?" Imogen piped up, and I was surprised at her reaction. "Adam and I could help you with student council stuff if you want. I planned pretty much everything with...- with Fiona last year," Imogen said, and I noticed how she stumbled at Fiona's name.

"No, I don't want any help. No one is actually capable of carrying anything through – so I have to do everything myself. People always just screw up my work if I let them take it over," I told them, feeling my frustration rise, and I noticed the look of disappointment on Adam's face when he took in my rude answer. I don't even know where it came from, but I just hated all the stress I had to deal with right now. There are so many things that I have to do and there's just no time to do any of them!

"Well all right then," he said, shaking his head a little. "Good luck with it all," he said sarcastically as he led Imogen away.

As I walked back to my locker, I felt my shoulders start to shake. I didn't want to speak that way to my friend – I didn't know what was happening to me. I opened my locker and felt my phone vibrating and took it out through teary eyes to find a simple message from Eli.

_Have a good day today Clare! Knock' em dead. I miss you. Remember – I'm with you even when I'm not with you._

Just reading those few lines made me feel better, and I hugged my phone to my chest before taking out my math book. I can do this. It's all under control. I can do the tailgate party too. I can plan it all. And it has to be perfect. I just wish I didn't feel so tired. So, so tired.

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**Eli's POV**

Why didn't she reply to my message? This is going to drive me crazy. I _told her, _time and time again, that I don't want a huge long text, just a check-in text every so and again...just so I can know she's okay. I told her she can even type out 'K', just so that I can have _something _from her. She said she'd do it. I could tell she was frustrated that I asked, but...I need it. If this is going to work, I need it. She said she'd do it and she's not doing it.

"Hey, you," I heard the lead actress on the movie – Bridget - shout out, and I'm pretty sure she meant me.

"Um...can I help you?" I asked her, a little tripped out by her addressing me. She was kind of a total diva, and she totally had something going on with the lead actor – it was very obvious to everyone on set – yesterday they did a kissing scene and they totally kept kissing for long after the director yelled "Cut". I could tell it pissed him off. I think it's kind of cool, actually, they look good together – but I think that if I were the director it would piss me off too.

"You're a production assistant, right? What's your name? And why are you so young? How old are you, like thirteen?" she asked.

"I'm not thirteen," I said defensively, "I'm in college," I said proudly. "And my name is Eli," I told her, holding out my ID.

"Whatever," she dismissed me, "can you get me a water bottle? My throat is so dry," she said dramatically and I managed to turn around before rolling my eyes. She had an assistant who did all this kind of stuff for her, but apparently one person to get her water bottles wasn't enough.

"Sure thing," I called out as I started walking towards the catering area.

"Excuse me," she said, angrily. "Is there a problem?" she then asked, folding her arms across her chest as I turned around. I noticed Chris staring at me, also angrily – crap. Now I'm in trouble for upsetting the diva.

"No ma'am," I said as sweetly as I could, hoping the formality would help her. "I was just on my way to getting your water bottle. Can I get you anything else?" I added in a pleasant tone.

"No...that's all," she said, flicking a switch in true actress form and talking to me very sweetly.

Once I got back with the water, she flashed me a smile as she adjusted the pocket straps on her military-style pants.

"Sorry I yelled at you," she said. "It just promises to be such a long day," she frowned. "What college do you go to?" she asked, and she actually sounded interested.

"I'm starting at NYU in the fall in the film program," I said proudly. I really loved being able to give that answer to that particular question.

"Wow, haven't even started yet? I swear they're starting you as production slaves younger and younger every year," she said, brushing her blonde hair out of her face as a make-up assistant came over with this huge brush and lightly brushed some powder onto her face.

"I'm not too young, I can do the work," I defended myself.

"I'm sure you can," she said, sounding completely disinterested, "any NYU film kid is completely devoted, and I'm sure if they picked you so young surely they must have seen something in you," she remarked.

"Err...thank you?" I ventured, not sure why she was still talking to me. I had stuff to do, like fixing that light in the corner there that I _know _will create a huge glare if they keep it the way they've got it now.

"I was hoping you could do me a favour," she then whispered, whisking her make-up assistant away.

What the hell? Where is this going? This is why she has an assistant. And I'd like to be able to tell her that's not me, but I imagine giving her a reply like that would have me kicked off this set faster than I could say 'NYU drop-out'.

"Can you...give this to Ryan?" she asked, slipping me a note. Ryan was the lead actor, and I did not like where this was going.

"Um...okay," I caved, hoping this wouldn't get me into trouble later on.

"Oh, thank you, thank you, you're the best," she then said, reaching for my hand and grabbing it and stuffing a twenty dollar bill in there before I even had time to realize what was happening.

"Ma'am, please," I told her, holding the money back at her, "You don't need to do that," I said.

"Come on now, students never have any money – it's the same as if you were a butler at a hotel doing me a favour," she said with a shrug.

"But I'm not a butler at a hotel," I said, not meaning any disrespect. I just wanted to tell her that this was weird. Very weird and it made me uncomfortable.

"Please ma'am...no," I said, placing her money down on her table.

"Stop calling me that, it makes me feel old. I'm only a few years older than you," she giggled. "Take the money, Eli," she repeated.

"No," I said sternly. I may be practically broke for the next four years, but I still have some dignity left.

"Well, all right then, suit yourself," she replied with a shrug. "But please make sure it gets to him," she pleaded and when I saw that look on her face...all right, then, I'll just do it – though I don't wanna become their little messenger. She just looks...so in love. I'm kind of a sucker for people in love, so fine, I guess I'll do it – just this once though.

"I will, don't worry," I told her, and I was just about to scramble away when she did something that intrigued me. She reached into her bag and pulled out...a nose spray thing. I watched with a rapidly beating heart as she discreetly waved her hair in order to cover the action a bit – I had no idea why this was making me nervous, but the sight of that contraption caused a weird feeling in me...of instability. This is what Clare now had, and I hate that I don't know how to imagine the girl I love – there's something new in her life now, this nosebleed-preventing spray, and...I know every curve in her body, every movement she makes when she's stressed, or happy, or excited...but I don't know this part of her life, and even if it's a tiny little detail...this sight is just really making me feel so...anxious. I'm wondering if I should take an extra pill – it's actually making me that anxious.

"What...what is that," I managed to get out, and my throat felt dry. What was happening to me?

"Just some medicine," Bridget replied, and I could tell that she was a little embarrassed.

"Does it...does it hurt when you do that?" I asked her, my heart feeling all scrunchy at the thought that...it probably did...it probably did hurt my girl if she had to do that.

"No, it just feels a little funny, but I'm really used to it," Bridget replied with a smile, her eyes scanning the room. I had a feeling I knew exactly what – or rather who, she was scanning for. I could tell that she was embarrassed and didn't want him seeing her doing that.

"And it stops your nosebleeds, right? You don't get them anymore? You feel better? Problem solved? It helps you feel better? It doesn't hurt anymore? It doesn't bother you anymore-" I started, going a mile a minute.

"Eli...are you okay? You look so pale, sit down," she then replied, pulling me into a chair next to her. I looked into the opposite mirror where I could see both of our reflections, and she was right...I looked like one of Spielberg's aliens.

"I...I don't know what's happening to me," I confessed.

"Should I call the medic?" she asked, getting up at once – I had never seen her like this; actually compassionate.

"No, no," I replied at once, not wanting to attract any attention to myself on set – this is probably because I also went two days straight with no sleep because Clare never called me back. "I don't know why...I just got this bad feeling," I tried to explain.

"I have no idea what you were talking about," she frowned, "with all those questions. I don't take this for nosebleeds – I have allergies, and this helps clear up my stuffed nose. Otherwise I sound all stuffy and I don't think you need to be a NYU film student to figure out why that is very bad for an actress," she said in a friendly tone.

"Oh," I said, disappointed. At least...if she did take it for nosebleeds, I could...learn about it from her and...maybe help Clare somehow. Or I could just...be included, in a weird way, I guess. I could...know what it's like and not feel this distance and this weird anxious feeling. Why am I feeling so anxious about a stupid nose spray?

"You can't take nose sprays for nosebleeds, they don't make that," she then said with a frown.

"What?" I asked her, taken aback. "They do," I protested.

"Trust me, if they made one for nosebleeds, I'd know about it – I always get nosebleeds after I do Bikram yoga. I have the best doctors in New York, Eli – trust me, if there was a spray to make them stop I'd know about it. The only way to stop them is to lean your head and plug your nose and eventually the blood clots. Besides, that doesn't make any sense – when your nose bleeds, the last thing you want to do is stick something up there," she said, shaking her blonde hair as she shrugged.

"What?" I asked, feeling more confused than ever. "They don't make them for that?" I asked again as I felt like I was just hit by a speeding truck. She...lied to me. She is hiding something. Something _is_ wrong with my girl.

And as I thought back to the timeline of all the information I had so far...my heart sank. What if...her nosebleed was _right_ after...there _was _a major change in her body. A change...that was caused by me. It was right after the best night of my life, the night we spent together. But...how can _that_ cause a nosebleed? We were safe, I made sure we were...I was gentle...or I _think_ I was gentle. I made sure I took it slow, I told her to tell me if it was going downhill, if she was in pain, if she needed to me to slow down, and she didn't – she didn't say it. I could tell when her whole body tensed as she held on to me tighter but...I kissed her time and time again to make her focus on my love for her and not on the pain, and she didn't seem to be in intense pain at any time – she was responding to me. I made sure that she was always responding to me and wanting to move forward – I made sure she was with me every step of the way.

Is it possible...that I missed something? That I...that I hurt her someway? And she didn't tell me? I'm not sure I could live with that...all I wanted out of that night was that she liked it – that's all I wanted. I knew as it was happening that I'd remember every single movement of hers, every single sound she made, and the way my name would cross her lips, laced with emotion and longing...but is it possible I misread her? No, no, she was genuine – I could tell that she was. It wasn't just in what she was saying, how she'd tell me to keep going, how she'd tell me she loved me – it was in her uncontrollable reactions as well. It was in the way her breath would hitch and then increase until I brought it back to normal with kiss after kiss, it was in the way she'd run her hands down my arms and whisper "I love you" and in the way she told me that this is what she wanted, and she wanted it only with me.

It was in the way her eyes opened up wide when I told her I'd never stop fighting, that I'd never leave her alone, that come what may, I will always love her and be right there by her side. It was in the way her skin would rise with goosebumps at my touch, and how those goosebumps would calm down at my touch and at my kisses. It was in the way the blood rushed to her face and down her chest when she began responding to me after the very first kiss. It was in the way she touched me as she slid my shirt off, and it was in the way she gave herself to me completely...with full trust. It was in the way she hung onto me afterwards, when she told me everything had been perfect, when I told her that some might call it insanity, but that for the rest of my life I'd be crazy, crazy for her – and the way she understood exactly what I meant and even rewarded me with a giggle. I know I didn't imagine any of these things, I think back to every minute of that night, every second that I committed to memory for forever and...I swear that I'm sure I made as good as possible for her. But...I guess I can't be sure. What if I did? What if I did hurt her? It was her first time, and maybe she didn't want to tell me like I asked to.

Maybe it was...not only disappointing for her, but...maybe I hurt her in some way and now it's acting out in these nosebleeds. Is that even possible? I want to say no, but I'm no doctor. Who can I ask who can help me with this? I need a second opinion. Bullfrog? I think he clued in that I spent the night with Clare when I came home after that night with the hugest grin on my face and told him Clare and I were back together, but he didn't make a huge big deal out of it and crack a joke like I expected him to. He just called me the lead character in a soap opera, and then squeezed my shoulder because I do think he gets how much I love Clare. I don't really want to ask him though, it feels kind of strange and I'm not sure he'd even know. And there's no way I'm asking Cece, that'd be way too weird. I don't know any medical doctors – I guess I could ask my doctor, but she's not a...girl parts doctor. And then she'd butt in about my night with Clare, and that night feels like such a private thing between just me and her – it's bad enough Alli and Jenna know about it. What...what do I do? I think I'll drive myself crazy if I use Google – every possible disease under the sun will come up on there. I need someone...someone who won't just laugh at my question...someone more...more experienced than me and who won't tell anyone if I ask. Someone who owes me a favour, really, I thought as I felt my palms getting sweaty at the thought that I may have hurt my girl.

"Eli – " I heard Chris shouting, "Ryan."

"Go get Ryan from his trailer, I need him to do a voice-over quickly," he continued. I reached into my pocket and touched the note I had just received from Bridget as I narrowed my eyes in the direction of his trailer. If experience is what I want, my gut feeling tells me that guy is the one to go for.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Has...has anything like that happened to you ever before...with...with a girl?" I finally managed to squeeze out.

I stared into his green eyes as I waited for his response, and I actually watched him hang onto the cupboard in his trailer as he exploded into this boisterous laughter, slapped me on the shoulder and laughed so hard that he literally touched his stomach as he kept laughing.

"That...has...got...to...be...the...best...questio n...anyone's...ever...asked me," he got out in between huge bursts of laughter. "Oh my God, you really are so damn young, kiddo, what do they teach in sex ed these days?" he continued as he touched his perfectly gelled hair and stared at his reflection in the mirror.

When he saw my reaction, he did stop laughing. I didn't think any of this was funny.

"Aww don't get upset now kiddo," he said, and I hated that he was calling me that. "To answer your question, no, I don't think having sex can cause nosebleed s for your girlfriend. Damn kid, what a strange thing to ask. You were safe, so there's nothing to sweat, relax a little, would you? Your girl probably just had a reaction to the dry air in the hotel like she said," he added, and I was glad to see that he wasn't quite the stereotype of a shallow actor. There was a heart in there somewhere, and I sure saw it come out in the next minute when I held out the note from Bridget.

"Dude, what did she say?" he asked as his eyes scanned it quickly.

"Nothing, just to give this to you. Listen man, I don't want to become a messenger, I'm here to work," I then made it clear, angry at him for laughing over what I'm sure isn't such an easy thing to solve.

"Now you're all angry, relax Eli," he added, and I was surprised that he knew my name.

"Yeah, I'll do that," I said sarcastically as I stepped out of his trailer and returned back to my post for the afternoon – right by the director. I had been waiting for this post since the minute I got to New York practically, but now I found that I took absolutely zero pleasure in it. And I hope it didn't show. I need this job, for every reason imaginable.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Stage 3 melanoma," the little six year old girl in the chair next to me. She had such a tiny voice...because she was so little. And she...she had no hair. I wanted to cry for her just at the sight of her. And the two others doing their chemo at the same time as me were also so young – a ten year old boy who told me he was stage 2 in his cancer, and a thirteen year old girl who was staring at a boy band magazine who had leukemia. I wondered if...they were like a mirror into the future.

It's as if I didn't really realize it...until this sight. Until I have to sit here, in this beige leather chair, with that drip going...inside me. The little girl coughs a lot, and the boy looks angry at the world and never says a word to anyone. The teen girl often giggles at the sight of her incoming texts...they are all old pros. Is this what the rest of my life will look like? Chemo every second day here? Dr. Masterson told me not to get scared, that everyone in the same appointment slot as me has a type of cancer that is much more advanced and aggressive than mine. But...as I look around me, this is...this is the prrof I can no longer deny, and I don't want to cry. I don't want to, but the math problems are becoming more and more blurry.

"Clare," I then heard a gentle voice call out, and I looked up to see that a sleepy Alli was woken up by Dr. Masterson's gentle voice.

"It's okay Alli, go back to sleep," I said softly. She and my mom have taken turns coming with me every second day, and Alli was up late last night studying for a science test.

"No, no, I'm okay," Alli insisted as she introduced herself to Dr. Masterson and they began chatting about MIT – I knew that Alli might like meeting Dr. Masterson so I introduced them when I was here for my first session. Turns out did her undergrad degree at MIT too, and I thought she might be a good contact for Alli when it comes to recommendation letters and the such – she's looked at Alli's research already and she calls it "promising". But not promising enough for me, I'm sure – it'll be years before anything would come out of it, and Dr. Masterson said something about how between the red cells and white, something isn't quite right – I don't understand it, because I don't want to. I think I'm just as smart as Alli, but...I hate all the pamphlets in the hospital, I hate that they have migrated to my mom's room , I hate science textbooks now – I hate it all. I don't want to have anything to do with any of it. I feel like I'm injecting poison into my body, not medicine. Why did my body have to turn on me this way? Why do I have...this disgusting growth? Why do I have to stay in this chair and why can't I just be free to work on my article right now? What I want most of all is to just...blink all of this away.

I want to go to bed tonight and to wake up tomorrow and to not have cancer anymore. I want to wake up...I know how I want to wake up. Next to him. Next to Eli. I want to feel his heartbeat against my hand, I want to be able to run my fingers through his hair, and I want him to squeeze me before getting out of bed like he did on the best night of my life, and I want to be able to touch and kiss and be held by him. I want so badly to just cuddle into him and feel his scent surround me. It's what bothers me most – that feeling of cuddling into him and smelling that characteristic way that he smells – it's escaping me. I can't capture it. What if...if I forget other things? He's been gone only one week now, and I still feel like he left yesterday – I miss him more than words can say, I miss him more than I can bear. I want so badly to close my eyes and wake up next to him that it hurts. It makes me...it makes me cry...there goes one teardrop, down by the distributive formula. But I hide it quickly, because Alli and Dr. Masterson are going to turn to talk to me anytime now, I know it.

"Are you okay darling?" Dr. Masterson asked, and I nodded immediately.

"Yes, perfectly fine," I lied.

"Clare, so far you are responding very well to treatment – I just wanted to tell you in person," she said, and she squeezed my hand tightly. She was very sweet, Dr. Masterson. She had shoulder-length wavy blonde hair and she was always followed around by the most nervous intern that I have ever seen. He was very young – looked all of eighteen or so. I don't think he's very good either, because I've noticed that she always checks everything he does, and it's all very menial tasks, like putting patients' charts in order. He makes me nervous.

"I am?" I asked, and I felt my chest shaking.

"Yes, sweetie, very very well - you are doing so well," Dr. Masterson said with a wink. "I thought I might take my break here with you and Alli," she then said, and I had a feeling that was because she saw me being sad.

"You don't have to do that," I said, shaking my head. "I mean –" I then corrected myself, because...it felt nice to have here, "...I mean, are you sure?"

"Sure that I'd rather chat with my favourite girls rather than sit around the doctors' lounge listening to them complain about the coffee and eat stale salad?" she asked with a giggle. "Pretty damn sure," she said, narrowing her eyes playfully and it took me aback how much...that was _such_ an Eli mannerism. She couldn't have looked more different than Eli – and her personality was so different, she was so bubbly and sunny – but the way she asked that question...I swear she reminded me so much of him in that moment. _I want you to stay_, I thought at once.

"So, ladies, spill," she said as she snuggled into a chair and smiled at both of us. "Boyfriends?"

"Not...at the moment," Alli said with a giggle.

"But she's sure working on it," I replied, making Alli gasp playfully and Dr. Masterson flash her a knowing smile.

"And you, Clare?" Dr. Masterson asked.

I smiled just at the thought of his name. "Eli," I said, and I felt myself blush like a little girl.

"Oh la la," Dr. Masterson said, and I was shocked to see this side of her. "And...where is this fine gentleman today?" she asked with a frown.

"He...he's working on a movie in New York; he's starting at NYU in the fall in the film school there," I shrugged.

"Wow. That's a really hard program to get into," Dr. Masterson said at once. "I had a few friends in high school who tried, but they didn't get in – and I went to this really preppy all girls' school, it was awful," she continued with a giggle.

"He...he's really smart. And driven. He's amazing," I beamed.

"And how is he processing all of this?" Dr. Masterson said, and I was then struck at the immediate switch she made from playful to serious, just like that.

"He...I—" I began.

"He doesn't know. Clare hasn't told him. I keep telling her she has to, but she won't," Alli jumped in, and I was angry at her for doing that as soon as the words came out of her mind.

"Hmm," was all Dr. Masterson said pensively. "Do you miss him, Clare?" she then asked, and I was surprised that she didn't join Alli in lecturing me about telling Eli.

"I miss him...a lot," I said, and my voice betrayed me – it broke.

Dr. Masterson then patted her scrubs slowly and I loved that she wasn't trying to convince me – she just stared out the window thoughtfully for a minute and then she spoke in a soft voice that suggested...pain. I think...I think...I think a boy is making her sad – she looks so heartbroken.

"You know, I'm not one to give relationship advice – I spend my entire life in this hospital, practically. I've always wanted to work in paediatrics and it wasn't an easy journey to get here and I'd never give up for anything. And you know, I only did one semester of a psych rotation, so this might be terrible advice – " she said, and I'm not sure why, but both Alli and I giggled at her when she said that.

"But...they did this study once, you know. The doctors here, at this hospital. It's the top research hospital in the country, obviously, because we're associated with U of T, and...the doctors did this study that...well it was remarkable, actually," she said with a wistful look on her face as she walked over to the window and I wondered if she maybe was...crying.

"What...what was the study?" I asked, staring down at my hands. I was curious.

"They looked at cancer patients who had constant visitors and those who didn't. You know what they found? They found that those patients who had their loved ones with them...the doctors concluded that the physical presence of your loved one," she said softly as she leaned further into the window, "that...touching them...being held by them...smelling them...being cuddled by them...they found that it releases this chemical – oxytocin. That's a chemical that's found in the body on a set of different occasions, but it produces good feelings and it helps in...good health and in healing. Those patients who had their loved one with them – they got better faster. And I think that's...that's remarkable," she sighed, and when she turned around I could see that she was very emotional. I couldn't see any tears but her chin was trembling.

She approached my chair and kneeled down by me as she gently said "As a doctor, I believe in science over anything. I think that we can get all the answers we need from research, if it's done properly. But...there are some things that science can't explain, and that study to me...it gives me chills. Chills," she said, almost in a whisper as she gently nodded at my cross necklace.

"It was the single most amazing thing I've seen in all my years practicing medicine," she then said, and I saw her green eyes shining. "There are some things that even science has nothing on, and the biggest one of those is...in my opinion...love," she said, sniffling a little before she was startled by that young twitchy doctor who follows her around everywhere. I'm surprised that she managed to escape him for the last ten minutes that she spent with us.

"Dr. Masterson, I know you're on break, but I was hoping you could check this MRI for me," he said in that nervous way of his.

"Of course," she sighed before she gave me one last encouraging look. "Great work today, Clare. Great results," she said with a wink as she picked up my chart from its resting place at the end of my bed.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Alli's POV**

_Uh oh. This is not good. Not good. Not good. What do I do? What do I do? _I thought to myself in a panic as I read the Caller ID on my phone. What is he doing calling me at 11am anyway?

I could just let it go to voicemail. But...I can't. I just can't. It wouldn't be right. _Come on, just pick up_, I willed myself.

"Hello," I said, shying away from the actual phone because I had no idea where this was going.

"Alli," I heard his voice say, and he sounded out of breath. "Thank you for picking up," he said, and I had to wait until an ambulance in the background on his end passed before I could hear him again.

"Eli, I missed that," I told him, "there was an ambulance behind you," I explained.

"Look, I'm sorry for bothering you, but it's a last resort. I know I've only been gone a week and I promise I won't do this all the time, but...I'm dying over here Alli, I think something is wrong with Clare," I heard him say, and he was speaking so fast – he really did sound very _very_ stressed.

"Um, what do you mean?" I said, panicking inside. What do I do?

"Look, I know you've got best friend confidentiality and all that, but you know how doctors have to testify at trials if it's a murder or something? Like, if it changes everything? How confidentiality can be broken? Well, it's like that here," Eli explained and I really hoped he had zeroed in on that doctor example just because he knew about my future career ambitions.

"Um, I'm not sure what you mean," I replied, trying to scramble for time...or for something.

"Alli, look, Clare's been avoiding my calls and...I have no idea why. I don't want to make you talk about her behind her back, which is why I've thought about this a lot. I'm not gonna ask you what's going on with her because I think that would be asking you to betray her trust. I'm just going to ask you two things and please, please tell me the truth. I just need you to be honest with me. Promise?" he said, and I could hear the desperation in his voice.

"Umm...okay," I stumbled.

"I can't fly back to Toronto every time Clare and I have communication problems. I can't stay up all night every time she's short with me. There will be sacrifices I have to make – times I want to see her when I just can't," he explained and I nodded at my reflection in the mirror, because it sounded like he was trying to convince myself more than he was trying to convince me.

"Okay," I replied.

"When I asked you for your phone number for emergencies, I told you I wouldn't abuse it. And I know you can't tell me what you girls talk about, I respect both you and Clare's privacy," he rambled on, and I could tell that he definitely was trying to convince himself now.

"And I know you probably aren't all that keen to chat with me, but please, I need you to promise me that you'll answer my questions. And I'll tell you why – because you and I have the job of protecting Clare, of looking out for her, right? For her safety and for her happiness, right?" he said, making me think that maybe he should have been a lawyer and not a director. He was...well, he was right.

"Okay, Eli. I understand," I told him, because deep down inside my heart was breaking for him. He is completely and totally in love with her – it is so obvious.

"Thank you Alli. You have no idea what this means to me – to have you on my team," he sighed.

"I know, I know," I reassured him.

"Okay, there's only three things I absolutely need to know, and I can't go on living like this without knowing them. I...I don't need to know everything...just...everything is fine as long as I know the answers to these things, then I can make a plan. The first question I have is...is anyone hurting Clare? Has Asher gotten out of jail? Is there a boy who tried something with her? A new teacher at Degrassi? What about...I haven't talked much to her about her stepdad...and...he lives with her. Is...is someone hurting her?" he asked, his voice shaking on every other word.

"No," I told him concretely. "I...I know what's wrong with her, and it's not abuse, Eli. No one is hurting her, especially not Jake's dad, you can rest easy," I said as clearly as possible because I knew that that thought was killing him.

"You're sure?" he asked again.

"Positive," I confirmed and I heard a shaky breath into the phone. Was he...crying?

"Eli...are you okay? Where are you?" I asked, because I was starting to get a little concerned.

"I'm...I'm walking to the subway," he said shakily. "I'm fine," he then said, but I had my doubts about that when I heard a honk that sounded like it was coming from right next to him.

"Eli...go somewhere where you can sit down," I told him quietly. "Then you can ask me the second question," I instructed him.

"O-okay," I heard him say shakily.

"All right, I'll just stay on the line. Careful now, Eli, careful. I'll just...I'll stay on the line and you let me know when you find a bench," I said, afraid for him.

"No...not a bench...not a bench, benches are bad luck," he said nervously.

"Ummm okay," I said, thinking he really could be such a weirdo sometimes. Who hates benches randomly?

"I...I'm sitting down now," he said a few minutes later.

"Where?" I asked, just to double check that he wasn't lying to me. If he was, he'd be scrambling to find an answer.

But he immediately said,

"Some stairs to a building," he said quickly.

"Okay, ask me your second question," I prompted him.

"Has she...found someone else? Is there another guy? Like that Cliff guy from prom? Should I just...butt out? Is that why is so distant with me? If she wants me to butt out...I will. I want her happy, and I could do it when I thought Jake was the one she wanted. I'll do it again, if it's what she wants. I can but out," he asked, and I knew I'd definitely have to clear this one up.

"You should do no such thing. Clare only thinks about you, Eli," I told him, figuring he could use a little ego boost right around now and because it was absolutely true.

I could actually hear him breathe a sigh of relief.

"Third question Eli," I said, feeling the need to hurry this along.

I felt him...hiccup? What was that? No, it wasn't a hiccup. He _was_ crying. That was a sob. Whatever he was about to ask me next, I could tell that it was something that he couldn't even say out loud.

"You can...text," I said gently, not wanting to embarrass him.

"No," he said at once. "I need to hear your voice," he said. "Alli...is she...injured? Or sick? Is it a health problem?" he asked, and I felt my heart freeze. What am I supposed to do now?

"Eli," I sighed, "I wish you'd call Clare," I told him.

"She's not answering my calls," he said, exasperated, "and when she does, she dodges all my questions – Alli, why are you doing that too now? Damn it, that's it, isn't it? I knew there was something wrong with that nosebleeds? Alli, tell me, right now, or I swear to God I'm running on foot to Toronto if that's what it takes to get an answer out of you," he said, and he was definitely all...knocked out of breath now.

"Clare...is not feeling okay," I said.

"What? What's wrong?! Tell me Alli, tell me," he pleaded. "I'll do whatever you want, just tell me," he continued, and he was outright begging now.

"Eli...I can't say exactly what, but...she's not well," I said in a small voice.

"Okay," he said, and I felt a tone shift. I heard a huge sniffle and I think he was wiping his face with his sleeve – gross – before he continued, "Thanks Alli. Um, sorry I bugged you," he then said, sounding a lot more composed.

"Eli, wait," I shouted into the phone.

"Uh huh?" he asked.

"What are you going to do? I asked, curious, thinking about what he could have planned.

He only gave me four words as an answer, but I have never heard anyone say anything as determined as Eli said those four words.

"I'm on my way," he said – clearly and emphatically and sounding like he couldn't even be stopped by Superman himself.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"You'd better have a good reason for calling me at 11:30pm on the only day that we finished early, and by early I mean just an hour ago," I heard Chris say menacingly into the phone.

"I can't be at the studio tomorrow," I blurted out.

"And that better be a joke," he said immediately. No, no, no, no, no. Please understand.

"I…have to go to Toronto for a bit. I have a family emergency. It's serious," I tried to explain.

"Oh," he sighed. "Well, I hope everything is okay with your family," he added, but I could tell that he was disappointed.

"Thank you for understanding," I replied.

"How long do you anticipate that you'll be gone for?" he continued.

"I…I don't know," I honestly said.

"If you're not back in a couple of days, Eli…I might have to replace you. There's a lot of people who want your job, any one of your NYU classmates would kill at the chance, you know that, right?" he said, making my heart sink.

"Trust me, I know," I said sadly as my phone vibrated, indicating that its battery was almost out. I had forgotten to charge it last night and because our set days were so long, it obviously was on its last breath.

'I chose you Eli because you drama teacher said that you give it 200% and know no sleep, no stopping until the job is done. She said you have a remarkable work ethic. I can tell you've got talent, kid, but I can't help you unless you're here. It doesn't work like this, Eli, you can't just take off whenever you want," he told me.

"There's nothing I want more than to work on your movie, but…this is my family. She needs me," I whispered.

"Okay, then go take care of business Eli, and stay in contact," Chris said. "Now for the love of God, let me sleep," he muttered, and he hung up on me before I even got a chance to reply.

_Great. _

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I rushed through the automatic doors at JFK and I hated that I couldn't remember my way around; when I arrived I was at the other terminal, and now I have to remember from last Christmas and….I just can't.

Where the hell does one buy a ticket in this place? I need a flight to Toronto – the next flight to Toronto. I packed the biggest suitcase I could find that would still make it as carry-on – I'm not wasting any time waiting for bags to be unloaded.

I found a series of screens and I can see that there's a flight to Toronto leaving in half an hour. Dammit, I'm going to be on that flight if it's the last thing I do.

It's American Airlines, so….maybe if I go to that American Airlines counter, I can do it there. I said a silent thank-you to a God that I didn't believe in that my Drama Prize money was now in my account – the bank had told me that because it was a "foreign-issue" cheque, they'd need seven business days to process it. What kind of bullshit is that? "Foreign currency?". Hello, I'm from Canada, that's not _actually_ foreign.

It was $1000 – more than enough to pay for the subway fare I took to get here (it was faster than a cab because those cabs always take forever in the New York traffic, while the subway is free to do as it pleases underground), for the flight, and for a cab in Toronto. Toronto traffic is better than New York traffic. As soon as I land in Toronto, I'm going to call Alli again and ask her where Clare is at that moment – I don't want to chase from her house to Degrassi or to the Dot or wherever she might be. But for now, I just have to get to Toronto.

The person in front of me took forever, but I did notice that they left with a pair of freshly printed tickets – printed by the person behind the counter, so I must be in the right place.

"Can I help you Sir?" an American Airlines staff member asked me, waving to come up to her at the counter. She had bright red lipstick and a huge smile – she seemed nice enough to carry me through this booking process. I knew that thirty minutes was a push – I still need to go through security and run to the gate, and those gates usually close a few minutes before the time that is displayed.

"I need a ticket to Toronto, first flight out, please, please, please help me," I begged.

"Calm down, Sir, and I'll see what I can do for you," she said, frowning when she pulled something up on her screen. Why the hell was she frowning?

"Oh, I'm sorry Sir, that flight is all sold out, the next available one is tomorrow morning leaving at 7:55 AM. Would you like me to make a reservation for you on that flight Sir?" she asked in a mechanic way.

"What?! No, no way, this is New York, there's flights to Toronto every hour," I protested.

"But they're all full Sir," she said, starting to sound a little impatient.

This can't be happening to me.

"Please," I said, flashing her my most pleading look. "My girlfriend is sick. I need to get to her. I will do whatever you want – wait, what about a higher class? Can I buy a ticket in the next class up, not in economy? I have one thousand dollars, that's all the money I have," I said desperately, and I pulled my wallet out.

"You can have it all, take it all, have it all, just put me on the flight," I begged her, seeing my chance slip away. "I can sit in those fold-out seats-" I added, the thought having just come to me.

"Those are for cabin crew, Sir," she said, looking frustrated.

"I don't even need a seat, I can stand!" I protested, and I noticed my hands were starting to shake.

"That's not allowed under aircraft law Sir," the woman said.

"There's got to be something I can do," I protested, scrambling.

"Sir, the only thing I can do is put you on the next free flight," she said, pointing to her screen.

"What if that's too late? What if something happens?" I said, and I felt the tears I could no longer control. "I need to be there – to fight! I couldn't fight last time, I need to be there, I have to! I HAVE TO!" I said, feeling my hands shake wildly and my heart pounding.

"I'm so sorry Sir," the woman replied, and she looked like she really meant it.

I felt…completely destroyed. I wanted to be there tomorrow before the time that she'd usually wake up – so she could wake up and have a good day with me.

I wanted to tell her to make me a reservation on that flight but I found that between my tears and the lack of air – I just couldn't seem to breathe – I could only nod and walk away for a minute from the counter.

"The boy can have my seat," I then heard a man in a very expensive business suit say.

_What?_

"He can have my seat," he repeated, as if having heard my silent question.

"He'll still have to pay for it, Sir, and because it's within the penalty period, you'll lose your airfare, Sir," the staff member explained.

"I don't mind forfeiting the fare," the man shrugged, looking bored with such minutiae.

"Who…who are you? Why are you doing this for me?" I asked, wiping my face so as to not look ridiculous.

"I am a man who tried to make it to a snowy Montana one night four years ago to my wife in the hospital – and when I got there, it was too late. I'm a man who lives with that every day. I'm a man who needed someone like you need me now, except I needed that four years ago. Thirteen hundred dollars isn't anything for me, boy – I don't even want all the money I have – it means nothing without her anymore. I can't even bear to think of all the kisses that I lost in the time that I spent working. Now I have a chance to help someone in a similar situation. Take my seat, boy, and go to the girl you love. She's waiting for you," he said, placing his expensive phone into the suit of that custom-tailored suit.

"But…don't you need to be on time somewhere?" I hesitated.

"Boy…the meetings start when I get there. Whenever that may be. Looks like it's tomorrow morning now. I'd like to walk over to that nice hotel I saw at the other end of the airport and sleep over there one night, you know. This is better.. Take my seat. You got enough money?" he asked me, taking in my disheveled appearance.

"Um, here, my card," I said, pulling my debit card out of my wallet and handing it to the lady behind the counter.

"Fifteen hundred and thirty-two dollars, Sir. Late booking penalty," she said with a shrug.

"I…I only have a little over a thousand…a thousand and seventy bucks," I said, scrambling. What the hell was I supposed to do now? My credit card application going to take thirty days to be processed, dammit. I should have done that earlier, I knew I should have done that earlier!

"Put the rest on this one," I heard the older man – no, gentleman – he was a real gentleman, say as he pulled out a red American Express.

"I can't-" I said, although I really wanted to.

"It is already done," the gentleman said with such an air of…authority that you could just tell that he was very used to being in charge. Before I knew it, the American Airlines staff had already swiped and a neat boarding pass was being printed out.

"What…how can I ever repay you? Can I have your business card? I can pay you in seven days, when I get my first paycheque," I told him.

He only chuckled lightly. "What do you do, boy?" he asked, looking all…amused.

"I'm entering NYU in the fall for film school, right now I'm working as a production assistant on a movie," I told him.

"And how much do you make at your job?" he continued, looking even more amused.

"$18 an hour," I told him.

He chuckled again, but it wasn't in a condescending way – he really did look just…sympathetically amused.

"Boy, I remember those days – not very fun. I'll tell you what, how about we make a deal," he said, chuckling even more.

He reached for a luggage tag – they were sitting at the counter in a little blue basket – and a pen and held them out to me.

"You gonna be a director?" he asked.

"That's the plan," I said with a shrug.

"Then how about this? I'll trade you my seat and the outstanding balance that I just paid in exchange for your signature. We'll see if you become the next Spielberg one day, and if you do, I'll auction this off and the money will be paid one thousand times over," he finished with a smile.

I rather liked that clever little reply on his part, and I knew that he honestly just didn't care about the money. It still wasn't any less embarrassing, though.

"Deal," I said with red cheeks – I never want to be in this situation again. I need that credit card for emergencies and I need to be successful so that I never am in this position again.

I was then able to run through security and through the gate to arrive there gasping, but I finally settled in my seat, and I was ready to inspect that little moving map with a lot of scrutiny – I need to get to Toronto, I need to. I'm on my way now.

_I'm coming sweetheart. I'm on my way. Just…wait for me. Just sit tight and wait for me. I'm coming. And once I'm there we can get through whatever it is that is hurting you. We can get through it together. _

**XXXXXXXXXXXX Omniscient POV**

As Eli's plane was taking off to be in Toronto as fast as technology had made it possible, an older gentleman put on his overcoat on top of his elegant suit, sticking the luggage tag while he still smiled to himself for being able to use his money for something important, for something good.

He read the message again: _Your kindness and compassion is like something out of a movie – you are a true gentleman and a true hero – a real Gary Cooper. – Eli Goldsworthy, JFK, 2013. _

The man smiled and shook his head, unaware that the piece of paper that he placed in his pocket just in the spirit of a joke would turn out to be _more _valuable in some years than even Eli ever imagined in his most ambitious dreams.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Please share your thoughts with me in a review!


	3. Run to You

**This is a long chapter (Ch 3) – read for detail though, tiny little details hint to a big deal in this story and especially this chapter**

**Please leave me a review letting me know what you liked, and what you didn't as well as predictions or whatever else you wish! Twitter: westcoasttrees1**

**XXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Eli's POV**

"Sir, would you like a glass of champagne?" I heard a red-haired flight attendant ask.

"What?" I asked, because nothing had ever sounded as absurd to me as that question – how can I possibly be thinking of living it up with champagne right now?

"No, I don't want champagne," I muttered. Everyone around me – and I'm assuming this was because I was in first class – was a lot older, all wearing business suits and reading _The Financial Times_.

"Are we going to get there early? Are we on course to get early?" I asked, not wanting champagne but rather information. I don't know why, but I was completely filled with this huge sense of urgency – this instability that I just had to hurry. I had to hurry to make it to my girl. I may know what's wrong with her exactly, but I could tell from the conversation that I had with Alli that she's suffering. So I _have_ to get there.

"We will arrive at Toronto Pearson airport just on time, Sir, but planes never touch down early, it is against aviation law. If we do somehow arrive early at the airport, we will just circle it until we are given clearance to land," she explained but a bright lipstick smile.

"What? Why?" I asked, getting impatient.

"It wouldn't be safe for the control tower to have to negotiate all of the out-of-schedule planes. But I assure you we'll be on time, Sir," she said in a mechanical way that didn't inspire a lot of confidence at this particular moment.

"Okay," I said, leaning back in my seat and trying to get my foot to stop twitching, but to no avail.

_3 more hours. You can do this. Almost there. This is the fastest way to get there. Then once I find out what's wrong, I can make a plan. I need to make a plan, but I can't without knowing what's wrong first. _

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Clare's POV**

"Mom," I said shakily as I entered her room, glad that Glen had decided to go with Jake to BC for a few weeks. Father and son trip, they had said, and mom had understood, though I know that she's really aching for Glen since we found out I have…._I don't want to think it_. Just…since we found out.

It was 2am and I was entering her room but…I needed to talk to her because…I'm scared. I woke up to find….this, and I'm scared.

_I'm scared. I'm so scared_ – there, I said it. I haven't said it until now but…I am.

"Sweetheart," I heard her reply as she woke up, her hair all messy. She turned on her night lamp and patted the spot right next to her on the bed.

"Are you all right? Feeling okay? What's wrong love, tell me," she pleaded, and I ran over right into her arms and began tearing up as I whispered, "Look," and I opened my hands. It was…the proof that I could no longer deny.

"She said…Dr. Masterson said that might happen, but it didn't after the first few rounds and I thought…maybe…maybe it just won't, but it is! IT IS!" I cried, almost shouting at the end.

"Oh," my mom sighed painfully. "My poor, sweet girl," she finished as she slowly opened my fist to reveal…some individual hairs, which didn't scare me….but…a clump, a strand – that had never happened before.

_My hair was falling out. _

"Mom," I cried painfully…wanting her to say something…anything.

"Oh, my poor baby," she said slowly as she pushed my curls behind my ear and pulled me into a gentle hug so that we were both leaning against the headboard of her bed and staring ahead.

"You know Clare," she then as she played with the edge of my pyjama T-shirt, "It's not that bad. The few hairs, well, that's very normal you know – just look at my brush," she said, pointing to the object on her night table. It _did_ have a lot of hairs in it.

"But….the clump," I pointed out.

"Hmm," she said thoughtfully. "Remember what Dr. Masterson said? That your hair is so thick, not think like her," mom continued.

"She's so pretty with her blonde hair," I said with a faint smile. "I like her," I whispered.

"I like her too," mom said, and she shot me a reassuring smile.

"Remember how she said," mom continued, "not to get too alarmed and to just let her know? She said your hair already falls out a lot, because it's so thick, but it also regenerates a lot? So let's talk to her and see what she says before we give her a call. And we can go get a haircut after we hear from her, not before," she continued gently.

"A haircut?" I said in horror. "So the next time I Skype with Eli…I'm going to be bald? How am I going to explain that?" I asked in horror.

"Oh Clare, I just meant like Dr. Masterson said – shorter hair, a pixie cut or something – not bald!" my mom said with a smile. "Remember, she said, you could just do that," mom added.

"Oh, I…I remember now," I said slowly. "But…" I added, feeling my voice shake. "Eli so loves my curls, mom. I know he does. The girls in his stories...they _always_ have my kind and color of curls. It's always like…a big deal, how pretty her hair is. Don't you get it? The girl in his stories is _me_," I tried to explain.

"As it very well should be," mom said, and she surprised me by adding a wink. "But that's because of what you have – you dictate the story, not the other way around, love. I'm sure that if you had a pixie cut, the girl's pixie cut would be a big deal – or if you had green eyes, those would be his favourite type of eyes…come on Clare, the boy's a writer, he's just following life," mom said, but I wasn't convinced.

"And Clare…." She then added gently, "I think it's time you told him," she said with a sigh.

"I can't…he's just…so happy," I whined. "I can't ruin that for him. Because you and I both know, mom, that once I tell him that, nothing will ever be the same for him. I can't ruin his happiness now that he's got everything he's ever wanted. His life – since Julia died – has been nothing but crisis after crisis. Now he's finally found calm. Mom…he was so stressed that he got _sick_. Really sick. Crisis after crisis made him sick. He's finally got peace and happiness now. And it didn't just magically find him – he worked hard to get it. If I tell him, it'll turn his world upside down like a tornado," I said tearfully as I looked her in the eyes, arguing my case. I was hoping she would understand.

"Clare….do you love Eli?" she then asked softly, looking me right in the eyes.

"A lot," I confessed.

She then said something that hit me like a ton of bricks.

"Then…be fair to him, Clare. Before it's too late and he feels like you don't trust him," she stated.

"What…what do you mean?" I asked, confused.

"If you love him, you need to share everything with him – the good and the bad. You need to be all in," she added, and her last sentence shocked me.

"That's…that's exactly what he says," I told her.

"I think you'll feel a lot better once you tell him – this is adding to your stress, and you know what the doctors said about stress," she specified.

I didn't like hearing that about my stress level – why can't everyone just get off that topic for once!?

Mom then added, "I'd say let's take a trip to New York – mother and daughter to rival the boys – but you know what the doctors said about travel," she added with a frown.

"So I'm just supposed to call him and be like 'Hey Eli, guess what? Know how you're always so paranoid about my safety? Well guess what – I've got cancer!" I asked her, raising my voice a little.

"The longer you wait, the more hurt he'll be. Just…tell him," she pleaded with me.

"Like you told Glen?" I fired back.

"I…_did _tell him, love. I did," she said quietly.

"What?! HOW COULD YOU?" I yelled. "Now he's gonna tell Jake, and Jake is gonna tell Eli," I said, panicking.

"I told him not to tell Jake until after we know more," mom rapidly said.

"Really? Honestly?" I asked her.

"I don't lie, Clare," she said sternly.

"What…what did he say?" I asked curiously.

"He wanted to come home to be here with us," mom explained as she patted by curls and pulled me closer. "But I told him to stay with Jake because I…I need this time with my girl, just me and you," she said with shiny eyes as she kissed my forehead. "He made me promise that whenever I wanted him here, I'd call, and he'd come," she added.

"All the way from BC?" I asked.

"Yep," mom said slowly.

"Mom?" I asked in a small voice, hugging her tightly. "Do you think…do you think I'll…?" I asked, trailing off.

I felt mom move me a little out of her embrace so that I was looking right in her eyes.

"Look at me, Clare," she said in a stern voice. "No. Not for one second. You are going to be fine. We will get the surgery, whenever a spot opens up, we will continue with the chemo, and you, my darling beautiful, smart, daughter will be fine – just fine," she said, and her conviction was already starting to make me feel better.

"Why don't you sleep in here sweetheart…for the rest of the night? It's 2:30 am, we can go back to bed," she added with a gentle smile. I think she suspected that I didn't want to go back to my room.

"Can I?" I asked, being overwhelmed with emotion – I haven't slept in here since I was a little girl and Darcy would have done something to upset me. It always felt like such a prize, being able to go to my mom – it was the ultimate signal that Darcy was in trouble.

"Of course, sweetheart - any time. And I don't mean just when Glen isn't here. Clare, look at me," mom said, and I listened.

She then giggled as she said, "We can always kick Glen out and make him share Jake's single bed – if we need girl time," she added with a wink, and I couldn't help but erupt in laughter at the thought of Jake's reaction to that.

"Heeheee," I finally finished, shaking the entire bed with my giggles. It had been so long since mom and I laughed like that.

"Hmm remind me I have to pay all my credit card bills tomorrow," she said as she moved to turn off the lamp.

My heart then sank.

"Including the one for a night's stay at the Fairmont downtown," mom then added, and she didn't turn off the lamp, but rather looked right at me.

"Which is funny, because I thought I already gave you money for your part of the room that _Alli and Jenna_ shared with you," she said emphatically.

_She knows. _

I didn't know to say, so I just stayed quiet. I felt my mom reach for my hand and give me a squeeze.

"Clare, sweetheart, I know there's been a lot of changes in our life happening at a really fast pace. And I just wanted to…let you know that you know that you can talk to me about anything, right? I'm your mother – anything, Clare. Any…experience, good or bad. Any….decision," she said with shiny eyes and…something changed for me in that moment. I…I _wanted _to tell her this.

"He….he paid cash for the room but they still needed a card as a security deposit, it's the rule at hotels they said. He…doesn't have one yet. They must have double-charged us," I said, not knowing where to start.

I saw a painful sigh escape my mom.

"_So_ not about the money, Clare. So…you….you did, you spent the night with Eli?" she whispered.

I nodded.

"You…had sex?" she asked, and I could tell that she was…not angry, but….sad? What was that emotion on her face?

I only nodded again and she also did so.

"But mom," I piped up, "I…was the one who wanted to. I…was the one who brought it up. He…was a perfect gentleman that entire night. You saw that he even rented a carriage! He rigged the votes so we could be King and Queen just so he could have a change to apologize to me for the problems we had before – and mom, when I was dancing with him…I have never felt so…so…" I stumbled.

"So what?" she asked gently.

"So…safe," I finished. "The only reason I even brought up us spending the night together was because…I knew, in that moment, that dancing together, just holding me…that _that_ was enough for him. _That_ was all he had wanted. And that's why I felt safe enough to…to want to move forward with him. I….had never felt like that before with a boy…ever. I…did want to have sex with a boy before, though," I said, speaking very fast.

"Yes, I know," mom said, surprising me completely.

"You know…about Jake and I? How…how I wanted to have sex with him?" I asked in shock.

"Jake told his father…and Glen told me…told me to talk to you about safe sex," mom whispered.

"Jake told HIS DAD?! I CAN'T BELIEVE HIM!" I shouted. "He had a bragfest…with HIS DAD? That is wrong on _so_ many levels," I shouted.

"No, Clare, it wasn't like that. I think Glen and Jake talk about a lot of things, and I think Glen was concerned about you. Talking about spending _forever_ with Jake? Clare, do you really see yourself picking mushrooms in British Columbia right now? You and Jake might have had _some_ type of connection, but…not even _close _to a forever kind. The fact that you jumped to sex after a few weeks of dating him says it all," mom said. "So….I'm glad you didn't sleep with your step brother," mom added. "And we did…talk about safe sex after that, remember? When I used the excuse of having to put something in the school curriculum about that as one of my duties for the Parents' Advisory Council?" she asked, and everything just fell into place for me.

"Uh huh," I said.

"And speaking of…you were safe, right, Clare?" she asked, and I could actually feel her holding her breath.

"Completely," I told her, and I heard her breathe out. "He checked like, a thousand times," I told her, remembering Eli's actions that night.

"Okay," mom said, and I could tell this was a painful subject for her as she looked down at my now-bare ring finger.

"Mom…are you…disappointed? In me? For…not waiting? For…not staying pure?" I asked, and I felt the tears in my eyes.

"Oh sweetheart….I could _never_ be disappointed in you," she said, and I hugged her tightly once again.

"Clare…I have only ever been with two men…your father and Glen. And my first time was on my wedding night to your father, so I just…I'm sad because I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what it's like to experience what you did, but I was just a few years older than you when I married your father. I was married at twenty years old, which in retrospect might have been too young. And…you have a feeling of…calm about you that I didn't…after my wedding night. No one talked to me about it, so I was left feeling…scared after my wedding night," my mom said, and I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"What?" I asked her.

"I…I didn't feel safe for example, when I was dancing with your father at my wedding. Not like you say you did when you were dancing with Eli for your King and Queen dance. And I knew…a dance wouldn't be enough; I didn't have that same feeling you had with Eli that…just having me in his arms for a dance would be enough," she whispered.

"What do you mean? Dad wasn't…he wasn't nice to you? He wasn't good to you?" I asked.

"I think… I was just more concerned," she said, and I couldn't believe what a private moment we were sharing.

"About what?" I asked.

"Oh, I don't know if I should be telling you this," she hesitated.

"Mom, please, I'm old enough, I understand," I pleaded.

"Well, all right," she gave in as she fixed the covers a little. "Your dad and…her…Camilla…their families knew each other all their lives," she said painfully as she looked down at the name that…still stings. I hate her. I hate his…..mistress. I don't care if they are legitimately married. To me…she'll always be his mistress.

"On my wedding day…as I was walking down the aisle…I was scanning the aisles for her. As I was dancing with your dad, I was looking around to see what table she was at. On my wedding night…all I wanted was to be…good, so that he'd never think of her again," mom said, and this time I saw the tears.

"Mom, no," I said, now crying too.

"So…I guess….I don't know what it's like to have your first time at your age, with a boy you're not married to. But….I also don't know what it's like to have your first time with a boy who makes you feel safe, who makes you feel like a dance is enough," mom said as she shrugged. "And I do think Eli loves you…and if you say he didn't push you…" she paused, raising an eyebrow.

"Not for a second," I clarified. "Mom, it was something we had talked about for months. Not like with Jake…where I guess I did feel a certain…pressure to keep him interested. Eli is different. He had always wanted to make a plan, to wait until I was ready, and in the end I was the one to finalize the plan, but he was nothing but a perfect gentleman the entire night. He made sure I was safe from the moment I entered his arms when we danced to the moment he dropped me off at home and asked you to check on my nosebleed as he sat on the stairs talking to you," I reminded her.

"He really does seem to love you, but I still have the right to hate him a bit right now," mom said with a giggle. "And I'm very glad he's far away," she then said with another giggle before turning very serious. "Sweetheart, your body is under a lot of stress right now, and you know sex does put stress on the body. So even when he is here, I don't want you spending nights with him," she said sternly.

"But he's not here," I said tearfully.

"Clare…I know you love him. And he loves you. But you're young," mom added.

"Was he…was he good to you?" she asked again, and I wondered why she was asking this again.

I blinked for a second and as I lied there looking at her shiny eyes, I…my heart hurt for her. I never realized that she lived in fear of Camilla for…her whole marriage. How could I not know something so important about my own mom? She was always so busy taking care of me and Darcy and putting on this…appearance of perfection…but it was at her own expense, at the expense of her own happiness – and I just realized that. She…until Glen, she never really knew…safety, the kind of safety that I feel with Eli.

"He…he's always so _worried _about my feelings," I specified, and I watched mom smile. "I asked Alli and Jenna about their first times, and…they said they were pretty much short and painful," I said, and mom giggled and nodded.

"But…with Eli…it was perfect. He was never racing for the finish line; I could tell that it was all about me and about showing me how much he loved me. I have never felt…that safe and protected in my entire life – and…I never _wanted_ to feel protected until…until very recently. I could tell that he was watching for my reactions to everything and adjusting his actions based on how I responded…and…it was perfect. After….I thought he'd go to sleep like in the movies, but…he only held me tighter and he whispered things in my ear until I fell asleep about how he'd never stop fighting for us and how much he loves me," I said, not realizing how much I was sharing….to my mom, the last person I thought I'd ever talk about that night to.

"He sounds wonderful," she said with a reassuring smile.

"And I'm glad he's your rock, sweetheart," she added. "But that was a special experience that current circumstances won't allow to happen for a while," she said sternly, not missing the opportunity that I think she's been waiting for.

"Mom?" I asked sleepily.

"Yes, sweetheart?" she replied.

"Every time he says 'We'll get through this together" to me…I just…I feel so much better. So much stronger. I've been trying to conjure up the image – the feeling – of him saying that to me right now, so I can feel better, but I can't. It's escaping me," I told her. "It's like….I can _feel _myself forgetting him, and I can't stop it," I whined.

"You're not forgetting him Clare. We'll figure out a way to tell him together, okay? Let's think about it tomorrow," she added with a soft smile.

"Really?" I asked, so glad to not be feeling alone in that particular project anymore.

"Yes, sweetheart, of course," she said reassuringly as she patted my curls one last time before turning off the light.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Dr. Masterson's POV**

"Dr. Masterson, I think you should stop now-" I heard my annoying resident have the audacity to tell me in the middle of my operating room. _Like hell I will_.

"CLEAR!" I yelled, and I quickly scanned the fragile twelve year old body lying on my operating table to make sure that nothing was making contact.

The electricity surged through, but her vitals were still at zero. She was flatlining, flatlining fast.

"CLEAR! CLEAR! CLEAR!" I yelled urgently a few more times, repeating the action in hopes of getting something. Anything.

"Dammit, I am not gonna lose you, I am _not_ gonna lose you," I muttered as I tried three more times as my incompetent staff sat staring, feeling no need to help.

"Dr. Masterson-" one of them said, and I ignored them as long as I needed to try two more times. Just two more times.

"God damn it!" I swore as I felt my knees shaking. Not sweet Daisy. She had been my patient for three years. Not this. Not her. "No!" I heard myself yell as I stared at the screen, its obnoxious flatlining beep filling my ears.

"No!" I screamed again. That was it. Her little body was lifeless, and I powerless to help her.

"God damn it all. Three twenty three a.m.," I said, calling the time of death, because it had to be me and no one else but me – the lead surgeon – so they would have it. For her death certificate, I thought bitterly.

"It's over when _I_ say it's over and don't you dare to _ever _disrespect me in my O.R. like that again," I said bitterly to all my staff who had the audacity to try to tell me to stop. I've seen patients come back from this type of thing before and I _had to_ try. I had to try or I could never live with myself again.

I took off my mask and ran out of the O.R. to the adjacent sink room, where the sobs overtook me as I hunched over the sink. _Now I have to tell her parents. I was careful to never give them false expectations, but it won't make it any easier_, I thought to myself as I hunched over the sink and watched the tears fall into the sink.

I couldn't believe it when my most annoying resident walked in – he looked so young, all of eighteen, and he really was young, though not quite eighteen. He had originally been interested in emergency care but he moved to oncology recently – I can't imagine him being any good in emergency, and I know he had some incidents in there where he didn't carry things out properly. This is why I practically let him do nothing – it's not the fact that he doesn't know – everyone can learn; it's his attitude. He thinks he is God's gift to medicine.

"Dr. Masterson, you know, my textbooks say it's very important for surgeons and doctors to not get emotionally attached to their patients –"he began telling me with that smug attitude of his, and I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

_You've got to be kidding me. _

"Your _textbooks_?" I spat at him. "Are you seriously giving me advice about what your textbooks say, you little punk?" I started – I never spoke like this, but I was so insanely angry at him right now.

"You were really unprofessional in there," he said.

"Oh, I was? Tell me, what did I fail to do for my patient?" I asked him.

"Nothing – you did too much, that's the thing. You got carried away and I'm gonna have to tell the Chief," he said with a smug smile.

"Too much?" I asked, exasperated. "Yes, how terrible," I said sarcastically.

"You're crying over a kid who never had a chance," he then pointed out.

"Wow, spoken like a true doctor," I remarked – I had no idea he was this bad.

"You always cry too – before every surgery – you cry a little. I've seen you. So unprofessional, I have to report you," he repeated.

"Go right ahead – please report me," I encouraged him. "But let me tell you something, you little _shit_," I swore at him, "the minute _I stop_ crying for my patients is the minute I am no longer a good doctor. The minute it becomes all about my surgery statistics and not all about taking chances is the minute I no longer want to be in this profession. The minute I stop caring is the minute I become like half the doctors in this hospital," I told him, wanting to get a lesson through that thick skull of his.

"Now get the hell out of my O.R.," I spat at him.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX **

**Chief of Surgery's POV**

I stared at the ridiculous attendant in front of me. He had just finished making his "complaint" - what a waste of my time.

"Son, that's the reason Dr. Masterson's the best on my staff. Now get the hell out of my office before I kick your ass out myself. There's a reason why I put you with her," I told him, having zero patience for him.

The only reason I didn't fire him after his egotistical stunts down in the emergency room with other doctors is because his parents give my hospital half the budget it needs to operate. It really says something when he manages to get on the nerves of my sweetest, most patient doctor.

"Heaven forbid you might actually learn something from her," I told him sternly. "Now get the hell out of here and stop wasting my time with your idiotic opinions," I told him, gesturing for him to go.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXX **

**Dr. Masterson's POV**

"No, Ms. York, please don't worry – it makes much for sense for her to have the surgery at Vanderbilt, it's where you live. I've had many meetings with Dr. Bloor over at the Vanderbilt hospital and he knows the case well. We've worked on it together; I know him well, we did our residencies together. This is better because Alex won't have to come all the way to Toronto. She's in very capable hands with Dr. Bloor and please let me know how things go the minute the surgery is over. And thank you – this was good news that I really needed today, " I said brightly into the phone.

This was good news indeed. I obviously wanted to do Alex's surgery myself but this way two children could get helped – Alex over at Vanderbilt hospital and this would open up a surgery spot for me to take on one of my patients from my waiting list. And I know exactly who I want it to be.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Clare's POV**

"So, she called, and mom said I have to do it – even if I don't want to," I explained to Alli and Jenna in the girls' washroom.

I had just gotten to school when mom told me that Dr. Masterson had called her saying she has a time for my surgery opened up – but that it _had _to be today. I wasn't ready, but mom said that a chance like this might not happen again for months, and…time was critical.

"This is good news Clare," Alli pleaded with me. "The sooner the better," she said.

"Yes," Jenna echoed.

"Here, I want you to have this," Jenna then said, rummaging through her bag to pull out…a guitar pick. "This," she said emphatically, "is the oldest guitar pick I have. It's from my very first concert when I saw Shania Twain on her very last tour. Her songs are always about girl power and being tough when life knocks you down. Take it with you – for good luck," Jenna said, flashing me a beaming smile.

"I can't," I protested.

"Yes you can," Jenna corrected me. "That way it's like I can be there with you," she said, and I gave her a hug. We might have had our differences in the past, but I can tell that she meant what she said with all her heart.

"And this," All then added, and she pulled out her lucky scrunchie – her auntie had gotten it for her from India – and began to neatly pull my hair back into a bun with it.

"Your lucky scrunchie," I said softly.

"Uh huh," Alli nodded, and the three of us embraced tightly.

"Want us to come with you to the hospital?" Alli asked.

"No, I'll be okay. My mom is coming to get me – the surgery doesn't start for a few hours, but I need to be prepped," I explained.

"I…I guess I'll see you guys after," I said shakily.

"Not 'I guess'," Alli said in a strong tone of voice. "For sure you'll see us afterwards," she then smiled.

"We'll wait with you until your mom comes," Jenna said quietly.

"And…E-" Alli began.

"I'm going to tell him after. When it's over. So he doesn't have to worry," I said, determined. It was better that way.

"Clare, we should talk about him, because I-" Alli began, but I cut her off immediately. I just couldn't deal with that right now.

"Alli, stop, please," I said with teary eyes, and I think she noticed, because she listened to me and gave me the peace that I needed.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Eli's POV**

_Way out. Way out. Way out. Way out. _

That way – if I just follow those signs, and then the yellow ones to the public transportation – _Crap. I don't have any money. _

_Zero dollars. _

I debited that airplane ticket right out of my chequing account and I know that if I open my wallet I'll have exactly seventeen cents in it.

Now what? I wanted to take a taxi to wherever Clare is – which I want to say is Degrassi because it's morning now and she should be at school already because she likes to get there early. I'm gonna call Alli and double check though.

I _could _just sneak behind someone on the bus – but if I get caught it's a two hundred dollar fine and I'd be dragged down to the police station to explain – which would waste time. And time is critical right now.

What do I do? I have never been in this situation before. I need a plan – come on, think, think.

There's never been anything I haven't been able to solve. I gotta come up with a way out of this.

My phone is dead – so I can't call my parents or Adam. Crap – Alli! I'll have to beg for a phone at a store or something, I'm not sure how I was planning on calling her either. I'm…I'm not thinking straight, I'm not thinking clearly. That is not good. I…I need to take my meds as soon as I can find a water fountain. But screw the water fountain, what I need is money.

I…I see no other option. This is completely humiliating and embarrassing, but….I just have to remind myself that it's for my girl. It's to get to my girl. So I can stop whatever bad thing is happening to her.

I repeated that to myself one more time before I looked for my victim.

I needed to do a bit of profiling here – I needed someone who I could actually be successful with here.

Not that basketball-player-looking guy over at the Greyhound tickets line, he was all wrong.

Maybe….yes, maybe her. I'll try her. She looks about my age, and she has bright pink luggage and a bright pink purse.

"Excuse me," I said, walking up to her and regretting that I looked like a mess – I was scaring her, I could tell.

"Yes?" she asked sheepishly.

"My name is Eli, I'm from Toronto and I go to NYU – I'm in an emergency," I began explaining.

"What?" she asked, and I could tell that she was nervously looking around. No, no, this was all wrong, I didn't want her to be scared – I just thought a young girl might be more sensitive to my plea than some dude – I needed someone who would understand.

"My girlfriend is sick and I'm rushing to get to her but I have no bus change," I explained. "This is so humiliating, but…do you have $2.75 I could borrow? I promise I'll get it back to you in seven days," I told her.

"Oh," she said, looking relieved. "You scared me, you look like you've seen a ghost," she specified.

"I'm sorry I scared you," I told her. "I'm…I'm just scared. I need to get to her," I said, wanting to rush this along.

"Well of course I can help," she said, pulling out a five dollar bill from her wallet and saying to take the whole thing.

"Oh, thank you, thank you," I cried. "Leave me your address so I can mail you the money back," I asked her.

"No need, just get to your girlfriend," she told me with a smile.

"Thank you, thank you," I repeated, unable to put together a coherent thought.

"Dammit," I then said as I remembered something else. "I'm so sorry to take advantage of your kindness again, but my phone is dead, is there any chance I could borrow yours?" I asked, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief when she held out a pink Blackberry at once.

I had stared at Alli's phone number so many times, controlling myself not to call it until I finally gave in, that I had it memorized. I might have felt crazy staring at it so many times, but in this moment, I couldn't be any happier that I had.

"Alli," I said urgently. "I'm at Pearson, just touched down," I said, giving her the name of the Toronto airport. "Where's Clare?" I asked frantically.

"Eli, I'm so glad you called," she said. "Go to…Princess Patricia Hospital by U of T," she said.

I was certain my heart had stopped when I heard those words. _Actually_ stopped.

"WHAT?" I shouted. "Alli. How much time do I have?" was all that I asked next.

"Plenty," Alli said. "She's not lying on her deathbed Eli," she then said impatiently, a sentence I certainly did not appreciate.

"She is just waiting for her doctor there," Alli specified.

"Thank you, Alli. What floor, what room," I asked, unfortunately having too much experience with hospitals to know better than to expect to walk in and just find Clare there.

"Seventh floor, nurses station 4 – the room just by the nurses station," Alli specified.

"Thank you. See you soon," I said into the phone.

"Thank you, you are a lifesaver," I said to the girl, and I grabbed both my bags and began running.

Sprinting. My roller bag fell out of my grip a few times as it spun around at bumps and objects in the street, but I finally made it to bus 153 before I transferred to the Subway.

I collapsed into my Subway seat clutching my bags tightly and shutting my eyes so tightly that they stung.

_Keep it together. Keep it together. Once you get there, you can make a plan. _

Crap. I never did find that water fountain, I thought to myself as I reached into my bag and dry-swallowed my pill. It made me feel like throwing up. It had never had that effect before.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Clare's POV**

"I'm so glad we got in this early sweetheart," my mom said quietly as she filled out some paperwork.

"I called your father too, Clare. He's on his way from a hearing in New York," she then said.

"Dad does cases in New York now?" I asked, my eyes opening up wide. There was so much about his life that I didn't know.

"I guess so," my mom shrugged, and I realized that she wouldn't know either. I felt bad for making her think about dad so much, in light of what I recently learned too.

"He said all the flights were full for about eight hours, so he'll fly as soon as he can get a seat," mom said encouragingly.

"He'll be here when you wake up, I bet," she said with a smile and my heart swelled when I saw how much she cared that…despite everything, I did still want to see dad. Just for a bit.

"Wow, all the flights were full," I said with a sad sigh. I couldn't even go to _him_ this minute if I wanted.

"Mom, I'm just going to walk around for a bit, okay?' I asked, feeling the need to do so.

"Don't go too far Clare, the doctors need to prep you soon," she called after me as I began walking down the hallway.

"I know, I know," I replied. _As if I could forget. _

I walked down the hallway, looking at some of the art drawn by the younger patients in the oncology ward.

I felt…_numb_. Because it all happened so fast, I couldn't even register the fact that I was going in for surgery today. Everyone keeps saying how it's such a good thing and how lucky I am that they squeezed me in so soon, but I'm not sure. I'm just not so sure.

In my haze, I'm pretty sure that I've turned down a section of the hospital that is allowed only for doctors – because I can only see them around. No one is telling me anything though, because they are all absorbed by the clipboards that they are holding in their hands as they are walking.

But – yes, there's Dr. Masterson in that little room with the sink – she is neatly trimming her short nails and washing her hands up to her elbows furiously. If I stare hard enough…yes, I can see that that's my file on the table. It has my picture.

And…Dr. Masterson is washing her hands methodically, and her eyes are…teary. She is…softly crying. I can…if I get a little closer I can hear what she is saying.

"Dear God, give me Clare. Give me Clare today – she needs to be my win. Her cancer – with her, I have a chance – it was always a long shot with Daisy, but give me Clare. I can get in and out of there quickly, but I want to get it all. Help me get it all," she was saying over and over again, while still looking so…in control. She still looked so in control of herself like always, inspiring the same confidence, but…seeing her so emotional over…over me, it…Oh God, oh God….

….I'm _scared_. I'm scared and I feel alone. I feel so alone.

Everyone wants so badly for me to get better, but I still feel _so alone_.

What am I doing? I feel like I'm standing on a speeding train, a runaway train going down a mountain, and all I want to do is get off and…sit on the platform for a little while.

Just a little while on the platform, please.

I'm scared. There. I said it. _I'm scared_.

I…I thought I was fine.

_But I'm not_, I finally say out loud and I feel like I have just been hit by a ton of bricks. I have never felt like this before in my life.

_I'm not fine. I'm scared. I'm scared. _

In a few hours I have to lie on that table…and she's going to cut _into _me. I trust her and there's no one I want but her…but…I'm scared.

_What if I never see him again? _

What if…I can't even remember the way he smells, it's escaping me. Why is it escaping me? What have I done? Why didn't I…I should have told him. Because then I could have seen him one last time, or just even talked to him one last time, kissed him one last time.

But now…I can feel myself forgetting him…I can't remember his scent. And I don't want to…. Don't want to head in there like this.

Prepping me will take hours, I remember before I reach into my pants and before I even realize what I'm doing, I am running down the hallway, through a maze of doors that makes no sense to me but that soon leads back into out the familiar hallway, and I feel my legs give out as I hide into a corner and the sobs over take me. The hallway is completely empty.

I can't control the sobs.

I can't control them.

I can't stop them.

_I need him. I need him_. I've been trying to pretend that I'm fine, but I'm not.

He's not answering – it goes right to voicemail. Oh God, his voice – there it is. I can perfectly imagine it now, his voice, his face, the way he'd smile at me, everything – everything but his scent.

"Eli," I gasp through my sobs. "I'm scared and I'm sorry," I say at once.

"I need you – I need you and you said to call you if I need you and we could make a plan. I'm _sick_, Eli – I have _CANCER_," I shout. There. I said it. "I'm about to go into surgery and I don't want to, I don't want to without you, I don't want _anything_ without you," I choke out between my sobs, trying to wipe my face with my pink sweater, but to no avail.

I move away from the corner as I try to gain some control over myself, but to no avail. I crash back against the wall on the floor as I choke for a minute. I get some semblance of control over my voice as I outright beg into the phone, "Can you come home please?" and with that final plea, I disconnect the call, realizing now that I never should have done that to him - leaving a voicemail in that state. I should have gained some control over myself. I just told him I have cancer in a voicemail. Eli, out of all people. It'll kill him. Oh God, what if…what if he has a heart attack?

I want so bad to just touch him right now, to run into his arms. I would give anything to be able to do that.

I can hear myself, in my insanity, repeat my plea out loud again as I hide into the wall, feeling the cold floor beneath me.

"Can you can come home please, can you can come home please, can you can come home please, can you can come home please," I hear myself say, completely outside the realm of sanity and balance now.

I can't see anything through my tears but the purple blob of my sweater, the white of the walls, and all I can hear is the static sound of PA announcements for doctors and…I jolt at the sound of these little wheels on the end of a suitcase cracking and flying off as a black bag falls right in front of me with a loud thump.

As I wipe my face to look up at the jerk who was so loud in a hospital and scared me, my ears register anything before my eyes do.

"I'm already here. I'm already home. I'm here, Clare," and when I hear my name on his lips I have no doubts anymore.

It's _his _voice.

It's my name and his voice and I have no idea how this possible and I could be hallucinating it all but I don't care, I don't care about a damn thing right now other than flying into his arms, which I do so fast that I send him stumbling a bit before he regains his balance, but in a second he's got it and he's clutching me tightly, as if he knows that he's the only thing anchoring me to this earth.

"Eli," I breathe as I…_there it is_. I can feel it – I burrow my head into his neck and…that's it. It's his characteristic scent that's enveloping me and I absolutely love it. Dr. Masterson was right. She was right. It's making me feel better – his physical presence is actually making me feel better. I feel…_stronger_.

"Oh, my love," I hear him sigh shakily, his voice laced with emotion as he pulls me tighter, our bodies embraced as close as they can be. His lower arm is solidly wrapped around my waist and he is patting my hair with his other hand while both of my arms are clutching him as tightly as if he could vaporize any second. I have no idea how he got here, so to me, he _could _vaporize just as fast as he appeared.

"Oh my love, my love, my love," he emotionally repeats as he draws me even closer, stroking the back of my hair. He's never called me that before – he's called me his Queen and he's told me he loves me many times, but…never that. And I love it. I love hearing it in his voice, I love the sound of everything he says.

"Eli, h-how," I finally manage to get out, noticing that my wild sobs are now interlaced with hiccups. I want to ask him how he got here, especially with all the flights being sold out like mom said when she was explaining about dad.

But I can't – between the sobs and the hiccups, I'm a complete mess and all I can do is hang onto him. I have no energy for anything else, because it's like when people are stuck in Antarctica and their body is freezing – no blood goes to their limbs because the body is conserving it for around the heart – just like that, I have no energy to do anything but to hold onto him. Because that's what I want more than anything, just to hold onto him.

"Shh, Shhh," I hear him say as his hand moves down my arm, stroking it gently in our embrace. "Are you mad I'm here," he then whispers.

"Wh-what? N-nno-," I stumble, my entire body heaving. "H-happy," I say, trying to simplify my sentences.

"Okay, okay good," he says as finally lays a gentle kiss on wherever he can reach, I'm assuming, and in this case it lands on my neck, making my entire body weak – I feel him hang onto me stronger because he can tell he needs to practically hold me up.

"N-no," I mutter, a one-syllable protest to the fact that he can kiss me but I can't kiss him, and I pull out of our embrace a little until I can see him and – that's it, sure enough, there he is, his green eyes laced with more concern than I've ever seen.

The edges of his eyes are red and I can tell he hasn't slept in God knows how long and his hair is a mess and slightly greasy.

He's wearing his black production T-shirt – I can tell because it has the studio name on it, and just a list of sponsors – nothing else. He's never looked more handsome, though, and as I crash my lips onto his, I hear him moan and see his eyes roll back before he closes them.

"E-Eli," is all I manage to get out before I'm too lost to register anything but the fact that I have to keep kissing him; I never want to stop.

"O-ouch," I hear him say a while later as I feel a sharp shiver cross his entire body from head to toe, and I stumble as I see that I've pressed my fingernails into his arm so strongly that he's bleeding a little – somehow I cut him. I think it was my bracelet?

"S-sorry," I say as I hiccup and see him smile before he smirks and gets right back into a kiss into which he half moans,

"N-no don't, don't be", but I notice that he's changing the kiss – he's making it slow and gentle and his rhythm makes my breathing slow down until I feel….stable again.

He keeps running his hands down my arm slowly, alternating between that and pulling my hair into a ponytail with his hands before releasing it and doing it again gently. I'm afraid he wants to stop and talk, so I link my leg around him, and when he responds, I take a little jump so that both of my legs are around his waist. He adjusts himself a little and carries me over to the bench. He _does_. He does want to talk, I knew it.

"C-Clare," he breathes in between a desperate kiss.

"No, don't stop," I plead with him.

"I love you," he breathes, but with that he stops and looks me right in the eye.

I have never seen him like this. His lips are swollen and red from my lip gloss, so I reach across as I am straddling his lap on the bench and slowly clean them as he never takes his eyes off me.

And just like that, I realize that he never did hear the first part of the message.

He stares at me about to cry – I can tell. His lower lip is trembling.

"Eli," I whisper.

"I thought all the flights were sold out," I burst out.

"Love finds a way," is all he says as his lower lip is trembling more.

"Eli," I whisper again, clutching his biceps with one of my arms. I don't want him to cry. I want him to stop.

"Clare….please, _please _tell me what's wrong. Because…I can't live like this anymore," he says, and for the first time I realize that…he's been suspicious all this time. Oh, no. My poor, sweet, Eli. I've been…I've been slowly killing him when that is exactly what I didn't want to do.

"Every second," he continues, "every second that you avoid me and I know that there's something wrong and you're in some type of situation or danger or you have a problem, I…I feel like I'm going to die," he said, his whole body shaking and bringing me back to an awful moment when he was opening himself up to me and I was too foolish to protect him the way he should have been protected. I might have been so angry at him after Cam's death, but only now am I registering that…I broke a promise to him first, I was the one to leave him first. I can't make him feel that way again. I have to…rip the Band-Aid off, as Adam would put it, because if I put him through this any longer…I'm scared that…I'm scared that he really _will _die in one way or another; I can feel his heart racing as I place my hand over his chest in our embrace.

"Why are you in the hospital?" he pleads. "Did I…did I hurt you?" he then asks, looking as if the world has ended.

"What?" I ask, confused. How could he think this is possibly his fault?

"When we had sex," he clarifies, and I exhale as I gently push the hair that has fallen out of his face. "I…I hurt you, right? I was too rough or too eager or too…forceful? Maybe you weren't ready? I did something that caused those nosebleeds? Maybe…are you pregnant?" he then asked, his hands shaking.

"Eli, no! It has nothing to do with us having sex," I told him, "and I'm certainly not pregnant, you were there silly, you know we were safe," I tell him, glad my voice is back.

"Are you s-sure?" he says, and now it's his voice that fails as he grabs my hand, interlaces it with his and kisses it over and over again.

"Positive. You were…wonderful that night and I was absolutely ready, that's why I was the one to bring it up and to say I want to," I tell him, and I kiss him sweetly on the lips as he adjusts me a little in our embrace. I thought that would please him, but he still looks…so, so worried and like he hasn't slept in ages. His eyes are big, swollen and red and I can't get over how…stressed he looks.

"Then _what is it_?" he asks as he gently caresses my neckline with his fingers.

"I'm sick," I say with a shrug.

"I'll take you home, make you soup, you can rest, I'll stay with you the entire time," he says desperately, his eyes wildly scanning my body.

"Not…not like that, Eli," I mention. "I have…I have…cancer," I finally get out, my voice barely above a whisper level.

And as it happens, I know that I won't forget it for the rest of my life. I actually _see_ the blood leaving his face and _feel _as his hands get colder and colder.

"No, you _don't_," he then says, gritting his teeth as a penetrating redness takes over his eyes.

"Yes, I do, I have this lump," I tell him. "And the nosebleeds too," I add.

"No you _don't_, no you _don't_!" he says emphatically. "You're young, you're healthy, you eat well, you exercise, you're….God damn it, you're _perfect_! You're my perfect Clare," he whispers urgently as he leans in and kisses me, but his lips are trembling so much that he can't carry through with it and it ends as a wild sob against my lips before he quickly moves his face away.

"You're beautiful and perfect," he repeats again as he looks into my eyes. "This is _my fault_ – I kept you out late, I made you do too many things," he then starts again, a deep pain reflected on his face.

"No, Eli," I tell him at once, clutching his face between my palms. "If anything, you kept me healthy longer," I confess.

"But you're _perfect_!" he insists. "There is no lump," he then adds, and I feel his hand gingerly caress the side of my chest as he lays a slow, delicate and gentle trail of butterfly kisses down my neck and whispers, "No….no…I know _every_ inch here, I know it, there's no lump, it's just…beautiful, innocent, pure perfection".

I can't help myself and I softly moan at his touch along that most intimate part of my body, feeling every part of me tremble as I lie in his arms. I can feel his every motion through my thin sweater, and as I look up at him I see nothing but love and a desperate desire for me to not be sick.

"Clare, the doctors are wrong, no one knows the perfection here better than me…no one…there's no lump," he says, caressing me softly as I tremble out of sheer emotion as he keeps looking deep into my eyes. His touch feels…healing.

"See…perfect," he whispers as he stops his intimate caressing.

"Not there, there's other types of cancer girls can get, not just there," I tell him, and I reach for his hand.

A tear falls down my face – one that he wipes away at once just in time for one to appear on his own face. I move his hand over…my back…over the lump and he gasps before breaking out in a few sobs.

"How…how did I miss that?" he whines painfully, hiding his face from mine.

"Eli, no," I plead with him, because he's starting down a dangerous path. He's blaming himself.

"If I had got you help sooner, if I wouldn't have been so damn self-absorbed, I should have taken you THAT day, THAT day with the nosebleed," he began saying frantically.

"I did go in _that _day, my mom took me, and it's not your fault. And trust me, that night you were anything but self-absorbed," I told him with a soft smile.

I felt him raise me so I was hugging him from higher up as he whispered in my ear, "I went over _every inch_ of your body, touching it and kissing it. Every inch, and I did so for hours, again and again in order to calm you down a little…before, during, and after," he emphasized, making my mind flood with sweet memories of our time together. "So it _is_ my fault," he added.

"You…ummm…er…on the front," I told him. "You were responding to how I was guiding you, and….I guided you away from there on purpose. I…kept the covers on top to that point on purpose…after, when you calmed me down with all those kisses and touches everywhere. I…you were going by where I wanted you, by what I wanted you to do, and I…I kept you away from there on purpose," I confessed, no matter how much I didn't want to, but I knew that if Eli blamed himself for my cancer, not only were _we _done as a couple, but all the progress he'd made would also be undone in a second. He'd be left like a shadow of himself, grasping at straws to try to lead a semblance of a normal life.

"Why?" he then whispered, and I've never seen more pain on his face. "You don't…you don't trust me. You think I'll go crazy. Haven't I proved to you that I can handle things?" he asked, and he wasn't angry, but he was completely heartbroken, just like Alli predicted he would be.

"Eli, I need you to understand something. Me not telling you…was because _I_ didn't want to face it…the reality. I wanted the happiest aspect of my life to continue on as before, and not get interrupted – my cancer has ruined everything else. I didn't want it to ruin the best thing in my life – you," I told him emotionally, tears rolling down my face.

It was a minute before he spoke again, as he was too busy wiping me tears away with his hand and kissing their trail away so slowly that I wasn't sure I could live through it without exploding from pure desire for him.

"Oh, my love," I then heard him sigh, and I was so happy he was using those words again, because that meant he couldn't be too mad, "I'm supposed to be the first person you come to when you're happy, but also when you're sad," he sighed, and I heard myself hiccup again uncontrollably as I leaned forward to kiss the space between his nose and left eye.

"You are," I whispered against his damp skin.

"Clare…you need to trust me. To be able to tell me the bad stuff too," he whispered as his fingers lightly grazed my arm, going up and down, up and down, in a soothing manner.

"I screwed up," I told him. "I…I'm really hoping we can just forgive and forget," I said, using those specific words on purpose.

"Clare," he breathed shaking, "My love, it's already forgiven and forgotten," he whispered as he flashed me a sad smile and kissed me gently, pulling me into a comfortable position where he stroked my arms over and over again as he slowly repeated how much he loved me.

"Never, Clare," he then whispered as he leaned over to kiss my hair.

"Never what?" I asked, confused.

"Never will I stop fighting for us," he said, taking my hand in his and kissing it. "So please…fill me in on _everything _the doctors said," he said, his green eyes flashing determination.

"First…is it okay for you to be here? I have surgery today, Eli. Aren't you in trouble for leaving work? How…how long can you stay?" I asked, my voice breaking when I asked for a period of time.

"Shh, shh," Eli said as he gently rocked me a few times in our embrace, "It's absolutely fine, I just took some time off. And I'm here for a long time, don't worry. A long time," he said.

"How long?" I asked, desperate.

"At least until you get out of surgery and are back on your feet," he said with a confident smirk as he brushed my hair back and placed a kiss on my forehead. "Please fill me in on everything," he pleaded.

"I will, but….just…one…" I dreamily said, burrowing my head in his neck and breathing in and out.

"What are you doing Edwards?" I felt him giggle; I think my breath tickled him.

"Oh God, Eli, I miss you so much," I said in a breathy voice, wreaking havoc on all his senses simultaneously – I could feel everything sharpening – his breath, his skin got hotter, his voice stumbled.

"Me-me t-too," he replied.

"Let me just lie here with you for a minute," I said tearily.

"As long as you need to," he replied right away, kissing my shoulder through my sweater. He leaned back a little and adjusted me in his embrace as well, and he gently ran his fingers up and down my arms as I leaned up and pecked his lips from time to time as we cuddled in silence. I even closed my eyes for a minute, and I think he did the same.

"Clare!" I then heard my mom's sharp voice say, and I jumped at once.

"And…Eli?" she asked, puzzled, and I saw Eli scanned my appearance at once and drew a quick hand across his lips. Too bad he had way too much lip gloss on his lips to get rid of it that easy.

"Um..Mrs. Edwards, um Martin, um…ma'am," he stumbled as we stood up, and in one minute he went from the ultimate suave hero that he was with me to a blubbering fool in front of my mother.

"Just what on earth was going on here?" my mom asked, obviously displeased.

"Just kissing," Eli clarified at once, raising his hands in the air only to be met with a dirty look by my mother.

"Just kissing, eh? Like at prom?" my mom shot, and I swear I have never seen Eli's wide that wide.

"No…no ma'am…not like…not like then," he stumbled as he opened his eyes even wider in my direction.

"Sit down, Eli," my mom said angrily, and he obeyed at once.

"Mom, don't yell at him, he just flew here on a hunch that something is wrong with me," I pleaded, finally waking up.

"How did you get here from New York when every flight is sold out?" she asked.

"Um, a gentleman in first class…a seat opened, I bought it," Eli stumbled. _What_? He doesn't have the money to just do that, I know.

"Eli," mom said, taking a deep breath. "Clare is sick right now. She needs peace and quiet, not…this," she said gesturing to his lips and giving him a Kleenex. I don't ever think I've seen him as mortified as when he accepted it and wiped his face with it.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, I'm sorry Clare," he then said at once.

"You really just flew here on a feeling that Clare needed you?" my mom then asked him.

"Yes," Eli replied, looking her directly in the eyes.

"Eli, go and get your bags from the middle of the hallway, they're ridiculous just standing there, someone could get hurt tripping on them," she then chastised him. If Eli knew my mom as well as I did, he'd actually realize that that was a bit of a small victory with her.

"Clare needs to go get prepped for surgery now, come on, room 14C," mom said, referring to the room that had been assigned to me and another little girl who was currently out of it getting an MRI.

"She doesn't have her own room?" Eli asked with a frown as we entered the room.

"Trust me, I tried," my mom replied with a shrug.

"Eli, out now, Clare needs to go get changed into a hospital robe," my mom said with a very in-charge attitude and I could tell that Eli was feeling anxious.

He had come here to help and I know that now he was feeling afraid that he wouldn't get to.

"Mom, be nice to him, he just flew thousands of miles to be here with me," I pleaded with her once I was changing inside the room, taking in Eli's black bags.

"All right, all right," she said, but she didn't sound all that convinced.

I laid down on the cold, foreign bed as I heard her call "Eli, you can come back in now, Clare needs you," and I hated how she was giving him all these mixed messages. He doesn't do very well with mixed messages.

I could tell that he was very pleased with himself for being able to run into the room like a knight on a quest, but his face fell immediately when he took in the room.

He recovered it quickly – probably not to make me sad – but I saw that his heart was breaking when he saw me in the hospital bed. It looked like he had been reading pamphlets outside because he was holding them in his hand.

"Oh, Clare," he sighed emotionally as he pulled up a chair and took my hand in his, pressing it to his chest. He dropped the pamphlets on a nearby table.

In the moment when he used his other hand to push my bangs back and he whispered, "Listen to me. We're gonna get through this together," I…wasn't scared. For that moment…I wasn't scared, and I think my mom noticed, because she smiled down at both of us.

"I love you so much and I'll never let anything happen to you," Eli continued to whisper as he kissed my hand before holding it tightly against his chest again.

"I will fight for us like I never fought before and I promise you we will get through this together," he whispered emphatically, and I definitely saw mom smile again, even in Eli's direction.

"Aaaaand this must be the famous Eli," I then heard Dr. Masterson's bright sunny voice say, and her eyes were not swollen at all. She looked…back to her cheery self.

She wasn't wearing her usual elegant business attire however – she was wearing a pair of green scrubs and a pink scrub cab with a cowgirl boot pattern. She still managed to look so glamorous however – even in just a pair of scrubs; it was remarkable.

"Um yes," Eli muttered, not wanting to take his eyes off me but eventually doing so. Also, I might not have told him about my cancer soon enough, but I definitely did not miss the pleased smirk that crossed his face when he registered that I had told Dr. Masterson about him.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Masterson," she said, introducing herself.

"You're Clare's doctor?" Eli said urgently, taking in her appearance and scrutinizing her….I could just tell. Here comes the overprotectiveness, I can just…._feel it_ coming on.

"Are you the one who's going to do the surgery?" he asked.

"Yes, and my resident will be prepping her. I just came by to see if you have any questions, Clare," Dr. Masterson said with a smile my way.

"Just…how long will it take?" I asked.

"Should be between nine and twelve hours – usually the longer, the better. It means I would have found access to the entire tumor and am spending my time getting rid of it all," she said with a wink. "Getting that bad guy out of there," she smiled.

"Okay," I replied, seeing Eli's chin tremble at her mention of a tumor.

He was twitching as he then abruptly asked Dr. Masterson,

"Um, so where did you go to medical school?"

"Eli!" I chastised him as I _swear _I saw my mom giggle.

"No, Clare, that's perfectly fine," Dr. Masterson said, also looking amused. "Eli, I'm from Massachusetts. So I did my undergrad at MIT with a double major in molecular biology and physiology. I then went to medical school at Harvard, where I did a combined MD and PhD specializing in cancer research. I did my surgical residency at the Yale teaching hospital, where I worked for two years after finishing my residency and before transferring to the Harvard hospital. I then moved here as the head of Pediatric Oncology. I have written 7 books, 27 journal articles, and taught 8 medical school courses. This is the 87th surgery of the same type as the one that I'm doing for Clare today that I've done. I have the highest success rate in the country," Dr. Masterson said, pulling a loose strand of hair back into her cap.

Um. _Wow_.

I even saw Eli relax a little.

"Why does your scrub cap have pink cowboy boots on it?" he then blurted out. Could he be _any more_ random today?

"It's a surgeon's tradition – we all have different designs with things we like. I happen to like country music. We wear these for good luck," she explained.

"_Good luck_?" Eli asked, sounding horrified.

"Well, yes – but then when that doesn't work out, we have our Harvard degrees to fall back on," Dr. Masterson said with a giggle.

"That _isn't _funny," Eli said, looking completely mortified.

"Eli, relax," my mom then contributed. "I checked. She's the best in her field," she added.

"Yeah, no, yeah," Eli said, as he kissed my forehead in front of everyone, "no, you can….you went to MIT, Harvard and Yale, and you're a prof…you can….you can do her surgery," he said.

"Glad I have your approval," Dr. Masterson said with a giggle. "Clare, I think you have the most overprotective boyfriend I've ever seen, jeez, this boy, can he possibly be more head over heels in love with you?" Dr. Masterson giggled.

"I know he's way too overprotective," I said, rolling my eyes, "But I love him," I added, seeing that Eli was left all…pout-y by himself in the corner.

"Kiss," I said softly, raising my head a little, and Eli picked up at once, leaning in to reward my loyalty with a chaste kiss.

"I love you. We'll get through this together," he whispered in my ear, and I absolutely loved that he said that yet again, and that I could feel the scent of his deodorant – at this point definitely mixed with sweat, but I didn't care.

Dr. Masterson excused herself and cleared her throat, a signal that clued Eli in to step away from my bed as she connected me to some IVs, explaining that I was not to take them out under any circumstances.

Eli held my hand the entire time and mouthed "Does it hurt?" with tears in his eyes, and I truthfully told him "no".

"Okay Clare, I'm off to prep my O.R. but I'll see you in there. Get ready to kick some butt, love," she said with a wink before she was off.

"I like her," I emphasized to Eli.

"She's #1 in her field – by a lot, Eli," my mom repeated.

"No, I like her too, I just…I just have had some bad experiences with doctors and have learned that there's good ones and bad ones, that's all – but she seems to be one of the good ones," Eli gave in.

"She is," I told him again. "Kiss," I instructed, and he leaned over and obliged.

Just as I was blissfully lost in his rapid kiss, I heard a "_She's my daughter_," coming from outside and I was immediately emotional at the sound of that voice.

"Daddy," I whined as he came in just as Eli raised his head up out of our kiss.

How is it that I can hate my dad so much for all the pain he caused my mom and for leaving our family yet I desperately want to talk to him like nothing had ever changed at the same time?

"My baby," he said, shooting Eli the dirtiest look I've ever seen on my dad – which I'm guessing is because he caught sight of that kiss.

He actually _shoved_ Eli aside and strangely, Eli didn't protest – just moved closer to my mom, who looked…sad. I think Eli understood that…I still cared about my dad.

"How did you get here?" I asked curiously.

"I drove sweetheart, there were no flights," he said as he held my hand and I noticed Eli scanning my mom's face and…squeezing her arm. What?

"Eli flew, from New York too, John F Kennedy airport," I specified.

"I checked both LaGuardia and JFK, no flights at either," dad specified, not even looking in Eli's direction.

"What's Eli doing in New York anyway?" dad asked, and it hurt me that…he didn't even know.

"He's going to go to NYU, and now he got hired as a production assistant on a movie, he wants to be a director, and he'll study film at NYU," I said, proud of him. Why was dad ignoring him like this? I could tell that it was hurting Eli.

"What a…risky career, how many people actually make it," dad said dismissively, and I could tell that those words wounded Eli deeply.

"Dad," I said, outraged.

"Clarebear, calm, sweetie, calm. Oh, I miss you," he then said.

"You never visit," I shot back reproachfully, angry for the way he treated Eli. "If you really miss me as much as you say, _you'd think_ you'd find time to visit every now and then," I fired.

"I will, I will," he said.

"Why don't I believe you? Dad," I said, feeling completely overrun by my emotions now. "Why does Jake visit his alcoholic mother every week – every week, Dad – and she abandoned him! Why does he visit her every week and you never come to me once Dad, why?" I cried.

"Oh Clarebear – " he began, but I was sick of his excuses.

"I think it's time you go now," I then heard Eli say in a determined voice, and I was happy a nurse walked in at that moment because I swear that Eli looked half a step away from punching my dad.

"Hello love, I just need to do a final metals check – any jewelry? You can't have it on during the surgery as we need to do an MRI before and after," the older nurse said in a quiet voice.

"My necklace," I said, feeling my head as very heavy. Eli rushed over to help me at once though.

"I got it, I got it," he softly said, clutching the golden cross delicately. "It'll be right here when you get back my love," he said in a quiet voice, meant for only me to hear. I don't know what had gotten into him with the "my love" but I liked it.

"Anything else?" the nurse asked.

"Nope," I said as I gave Eli's hand one last goodbye squeeze.

"Clarebear," I then heard my Dad's voice in a stern tone, "Your ring," he said.

When he looked down at my bare hand and at Eli clutching it, I saw pure fury in his eyes.

"You scumbag," I heard my dad gritting, and I didn't even believe it when I saw it.

In one fell swoop, my Dad's fist connected with Eli's jaw with a force so powerful that it knocked Eli back towards the wall, the impact of the night table colliding with the back of Eli's head with a sickening crack.

"Randall!" my mom shouted outraged, and I have never loved her as much as in the second that she told me not to move, because of my IVs, and she _flocked _to Eli's side.

"For God's sake Randall, you just assaulted a kid!" my mom shouted, but Eli's closed eyes were making my heart sink.

"Eli, Eli!" my mom shouted, gently slapping him.

"Randall get out, before I call the police," my mom shouted.

"No," my dad insisted. "He deserved that for what he did," he added.

I then saw my mom get right in my dad's face and say with as much conviction as I ever saw her have in front of my dad, "You don't know anything about your daughter anymore, and that's your choice. That's a consequence of your actions. And you certainly don't know Eli. He's 18 and already twice the man you ever were. _OUT_," she shouted.

When she gestured for the nurse, dad finally listened, and just like that he was gone.

"He's not responsive, he hit the back of his head," my mom urgently told the nurse.

The nurse gasped.

_What? No, please God no. Eli, wake up!_

"Mmmm," I heard him groan as he moved in the nurse's arms.

_Thank you God. _

She flashed a bright flashlight in his eyes, although he tried to stop it by closing his eyelids. The nurse just forced them open.

"Mmmm, owww," I heard him softly moan.

The nurse then said, "I'll just give him a light sedative as he recovers from the pain, he'll be just a bit drowsy for about an hour or so".

"Eli?" my mom asked, and my heart swelled at her worry.

"Yeahhhhh," Eli said, sounding so tired.

"You okay? You know where you are? You know who I am?" my mom asked.

"You're my mommy," Eli said with a cheeky grin before laughing a little.

I couldn't believe it, but my mom giggled too. He thought this was funny!

But he was very drowsy, I could tell – he just had moments of clarity but overall, he was a mess.

"Eli!" I yelled at him.

"Hey, it really does hurt Edwards, I'm not faking," he then said with a smirk as he collapsed in the chair next to me.

"I'm sorry I...mmmm ruined your moment with your mmmm dad," he said through cloudy eyes.

"I…I didn't want him here. He was only making me stressed," I realized.

"For sure?" Eli asked. "I'll go get himmmmmmm back," he said, "mmm why is it so bright in here? Owwww mmmman that hurtssss," he said, and I realized he wasn't filtering the things inside his head from the ones he was actually saying. He was an open vault.

"Mmmm God you'd better be okay Clare….owwwww I hate this place…Eeeeedwards that robe is suuuuch a tease, owwww," he was mumbling.

"Mom?" I asked desperately.

"He'll be fine, Clare, the boy's taken a punch before I'm sure," mom said reassuringly.

"Mmmm like ten, just for your daughter's mmmmmmm honour, you have no idea how many mmmmm guys want her mmmmand I have to keep them off mmmmm owwww," he was rambling on and on, much to my mom's confusion.

"He'll be fine," mom echoed as she laughed a little at Eli, which seemed a little cruel given the circumstances.

"Good afternoon Clare," I then heard Dr. Masterson's resident say as he entered. _Great._ I was hoping I'd never see him again.

"Who are yyyyooou," Eli mumbled, his head rolling backwards a little.

"I'm Dr. Masterson's resident, I will be doing the final prep she needs before we're off," he specified.

"I don't mmmm ooooowww like you," Eli fired his way as he slouched in his chair.

"Is that boy on drugs?" the doctor asked.

"He just hit his head," my mom defended him. "He's drowsy".

"Well, I don't like you either," the resident shot Eli's way, which I found incredibly unprofessional.

"Clare, I need to remove the bandages from your tumor now," he said, but before I could even nod, I felt him come around to my side lift the blanket already. Ugh, fine, I guess the sooner the better.

"What the FUCK," I then heard Eli fire with complete hate in his eyes, "Get awwwayy," he said at once, trying to stand up, only to collapse back in his chair again.

I watched him rub his eyes and open them wide and wide.

"Eli, he's a doctor," my mom said impatiently.

"Don't touch her," he snarled.

When the doctor just continued and moved to undo my robe, I saw Eli fly into a rage at once.

"Take your hands off of her!" he shouted, rushing out of his chair and almost making it this time.

"Eli, calm down," my mom said.

"I'm not drowsy, I _know this doctor_ – he was the one Julia had! Stop him," he pleaded, and when my mom saw that he had started crying, she looked…worried.

"STOP," Eli shouted, and he lunged at the resident.

"I remember you – you 'pronounced' her dead when the nurse was saying try it two more times! You didn't! You do NOT get to touch Clare! Take your damn hands off of her right now," Eli shouted as he grabbed the residents' hands away from the ties that kept my robe together.

"Ms. Edwards," Eli said, getting my mom's name wrong, "he's negligent, he doesn't care, he's not like the Harvard girl doctor, he'll hurt her!" Eli said, and by now his face was red and he was sobbing.

"I can't stop by and watch it happen again, _no, no, no, no this time I'm going to fight_! He doesn't pay attention, and he's supposed to be an ER doctor! Not a cancer doctor! He's like a bad nightmare that won't end! Ms. Edwards, please," Eli said, and I stood with tears in my eyes at how….unhinged he was.

He actually dropped to his knees in front of my mom and held onto her waist as he begged,

"I know I sound crazy, but I know it's him – I'll never forget him, he didn't try hard with Julia and now he'll hurt Clare! I can't stop it, _you_ have to! No one listens to me because I'm just a kid, but I'm not alone now, I'm with _you_, I have a parent here, please, please, please say you don't want him," Eli was screaming.

"I...I read," he then said madly, running over to the nightlight where he had left those pamphlets…"I read in here that it's your right to ask for a particular doctor," he said, running over back to my mom and getting on his knees again.

"Ask for the Harvard girl, ask for her, ask for her, please, please," he continued in a frenzy, looking like a complete madman.

"Eli, get a grip," my mom softly said.

"No, no, no _this isn't happening _– you don't believe me," he then said, talking to himself, "Oh God, I can tell it's gonna happen again, what if he screws something up, he'll kill her!" Eli shouted at the top of his lungs, scaring me.

I could tell my mom didn't believe him. I didn't either.

But when that resident walked over to where Eli was kneeling in front of my mom and _stuck an injection in his leg_, I have never seen my mom get so furious.

"What on earth are you doing?" she asked, horrified.

"The boy is obviously crazy, or on drugs, or both, so I gave him a tranquilizer. Who can do any work around here with all that shouting? Jeez," he said in his usual snobby manner.

"So none of it was true? You never had a patient named Julia? You never worked down in the ER?" my mom asked, holding onto Eli's somewhat limp body as I saw his eyelids fluttering before finally closing.

"I'm an oncologist ma'am," the resident replied without meeting my mom's gaze.

"Mom, Eli!" I shouted urgently, stuck in my bed because of these stupid IVs.

"I think it's _completely_ inappropriate for you to just…_tranquilize him_," my mom said, and I could see her attitude towards this doctor changing.

"He was like nails on a chalkboard," the resident said with a shrug before walking back over to me and reaching for the ties to my robe as I flinched…in fear.

"Get your hands _off_ my daughter," my mom said in her calmest, but scariest voice.

"Ma'am, please don't be the next to cause a scene," the resident replied.

"Get. Your. Hands. Off. my daughter or you won't have a scene, you'll have a Broadway musical," my mom replied, and I regretted that Eli couldn't hear that. He would have loved it. Every single word of it.

"Eli," I then heard my mom gasp as the scariest sight I had ever seen unfolded in front of my eyes. He was….he was…I can't even bring myself to say it.

"What's happening to him, mom? MOM?" I shouted.

"Don't move, Clare," my mom shouted as she let out a gasp at the sight of Eli. She yelled out to the hallway,

"Nurse! Dr. Masterson!" and when I heard Dr. Masterson's "COMING," I only began crying harder.

"What on earth happened here?" she yelled, pulling out the syringe from Eli's leg – that resident had left it in there, like Eli was some animal.

"What is THIS?" Dr. Masterson shrieked.

"A tranquilizer," the resident replied, obviously scared now.

I closed my eyes and squeezed them shut as Dr. Masterson shouted, "CLEAR, everyone CLEAR," and pushed my mom away from Eli and began clearing all the objects on the floor around him as…his body convulsed over and over again, his eyes rolling at the back of his head. It was so…violent. What was happening to him!?

"He's seizing," Dr. Masterson shouted to her nurse as she did another scan of the floor and moved Eli to a position where his arm was underneath his head. She then folded one of his knees and rolled him over to the side, but his shaking was so violent and…unstoppable.

"Seizing, get a crash cart, HURRY," she shouted out in the hallway. "Young male," she muttered to herself, "considerable stress, huge negative surprise a few hours ago, come on, come on, what's wrong with you, what's causing this," she kept muttering.

"Do something," I begged her.

"I don't know his medical history, I can't know for sure that what he was given was actually a tranquilizer," she said, obviously hating that she wasn't in control of the situation. She was shaking a little. "I don't…I can't…all I can do for him is this, or I might kill him, I might kill him," she said calmly.

"No," I sobbed painfully.

"Clare, help me," she shouted. "What medicine does he take, he's having a reaction to the tranquilizer, if I know what he's on maybe I can do something for him," she pleaded.

"He's bipolar," I heard my mom say before I could find my words.

"Good, good, this is consistent with typical meds and tranquilizers, never supposed to be mixed. Which medicine? Which one? There's many," Dr. Masterson said as she hung onto him tightly, whispering his name.

"I…I don't know, how can I not know?" I cried. "Eli would know if I were the sick one," I painfully whined.

"Okay, don't worry," Dr. Masterson said, taking control again. "It should be over soon, it should be over soon. Don't look Clare, don't look," she asked.

"Sweetheart, don't look," my mom repeated, and she came over to the bed and buried me in a hug.

"No," I said, trying to push her away.

"All right Eli, you're all right," I heard Dr. Masterson say calmly, and I saw her arm move. She put on her stethoscope and listened carefully.

"Slow that down Eli, slow it down, good boy now," she said as I saw her hold his head gently by his hair. I also saw her reach into his mouth and check on his tongue? Is that what she was doing?

"Phew, okay, okay, okay now, gotta wake up, gotta wake up," she gently cooed – and I saw the pediatrics in her. Eli was 18 – right at the edge, but legally in Canada he was still a pediatric patient.

His shaking was slowing down under her watchful eye, and she never once stopped listening to the stethoscope.

"Okay, Eli, good boy, good boy for Clare now, gotta wake up to see Clare," she said, close to his ear, and I realized that…she wanted him to hear; she was…talking to him?

"We won't let the bad doctor near her, shhh now, gotta wake up for me now," she said, her voice getting more urgent. I understood that…he had to wake up, and so did my mom, because I could see the look in her eyes.

"All better now, no more shaking, let's get off the cold floor, just me and you kiddo, me and you to go help Clare, make sure she's safe now," I heard Dr. Masterson gently cooing, as if she was speaking to a child.

She then became more forceful, and I was scared. "Eli, Eli, come on now, or we'll miss Clare, we'll miss Clare leaving and we want to give her a hug and kiss before her surgery, come on now, don't wanna miss it," she said, and I noticed for the first time that she touched his arm.

"Eli, let's wake up now. I know you're tired, but you can't be tired, Clare needs you. Up we go now, gotta go see your girl, gotta go help her, can't leave her alone. She's leaving now Eli," Dr. Masterson gently whispered, and her words were breaking my heart.

She is _so perceptive _– she knows that to get Eli to fight, that's exactly what she needs to say.

"Eli, come on now," she was saying, getting more desperate now. "We don't want some other boy to come take our girl," she said.

"Mmmmmmmm," I then heard, and I exhaled loudly.

"There we go, there he is," Dr. Masterson said loudly, and I knew that was because she wanted me to hear that he was okay.

"Mmmmm I think that tthhhaat idiot shot me, mmmmm oooooooowwwww," Eli moaned. "Wwwhere's Clare, she's leaving?" he mumbled, rolling around on the floor in an attempt to get up.

When my mom rushed over to help, Dr. Masterson sharply said, "No! Don't touch him. Just…give him a minute," she said.

"There he is," she then said as Eli slowly stood up, and his red face lit up at my sight.

"There's my girl….still here," he said as he collapsed in the chair. "Thanks for waiting," he said with what I think he wanted to be a wink, but was instead a very large and slow blink.

"Eli," I said tearfully. "My poor, sweet Eli, I'm so sorry," I said.

"Meh, Edwards," he said, still all drowsy-like, "just wanted to put on a little cc-comedy show for you, get you to laugh a little," he joked, and I couldn't believe him – he looked half drunk, and here he was cracking a joke.

"Not funny," I tried to tell him sternly, but I couldn't help but break out in giggles.

"Did he touch you?" Eli then said, as if hit by a sudden lightning bolt.

"No, he….you were right. He was bad," I heard my mom answer. "No doctor would inject a boy he doesn't know, I knew then something wasn't right," my mom said.

"I'm so sorry Mrs. Martin and Eli," we then saw a lady in a suit run in.

"Not your fault, but I should sue," Eli said with a slow, half-drunken like grin. How can he possibly clue in that that lady was a lawyer before I did…in his state? And man, hospitals sure like to cover their butts quickly.

"But how about in exchange for me suing, you give my girl a private room?" he continued.

"We do not take bribes here," the lawyer immediately said. "But…should a room become available, and it just might, I don't see why the young lady cannot move into it," she then added.

"Done deal, lawyer lady," Eli said from the chair, in a weird slow voice.

It really did take him an hour to get back to himself, in which he drowsily said in front of my mom no less than the following things: every night before he goes to bed he thinks of every freckle on my body, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he forgot to pack underwear, he thinks I look sexiest in red, and he could have taken on the resident and I quote "beat the living daylights" out of him. Needless to say, it was quite the performance…in front of my mother.

When he finally got back to himself, he blushed red for the next straight hour, apologized profusely, but his face maintained that same level of red. After the fright he gave me…it was a little funny in the end.

Dr. Masterson finally came back in about fifteen minutes after Eli was back to normal, and I knew it was time to go, because she had three other doctors with her, all wearing the green scrubs that meant they were surgeons, white coats on top, and scrub caps.

"Time to go, love, let's get 'er done," Dr. Masterson said with a wink.

"Can we walk with you?" my mom asked as Dr. Masterson nodded.

It felt so strange to stare up at the bright fluorescent lights as they wheeled me down the hallway, Eli's sweaty palm hanging onto my one hand and my mom's cold one hanging on to my other.

"You be my brave girl in there," she said as she kissed my forehead. I knew she didn't want to let me go, so I didn't ask her to leave as Eli said his good-bye.

What he said made my heart ache at first.

"Thank you for letting me be here," he said as he pushed my bangs all the way under my little green cap.

"Of course," I whispered back. He didn't have to thank me!

"Clare, listen to me. Right now, we are all off to do our jobs. Dr. Masterson and her team of doctors will do the surgery – I trust her, and you know me, so that's saying a lot. So she'll do her job. Your job is to sleep – so you do that, and don't stress. You're… you're just going to sleep while Dr. Masterson does her job, you're going to rest. And I'm going to be doing my job," he said.

"What are you going to be doing?" I asked curiously.

"I'm going to be planning a fun date for us to go on after, okay? That's my job – to plan fun dates for us," he said, his lower lip trembling ever so slightly.

"You plan the best dates, Eli," I sighed, and that obviously pleased him.

"I'm just getting started, Clare," he said with a wink as he kissed my cheek. "I love you and I'm just getting started. So you just go in that room and when you come back I'll let you know what I've got planned. And after that, it's just grade twelve, and then Columbia and New York and the rest of our lives together…it's waiting for us, Clare, and let's take it one step at a time. For now, you rest, I'll plan us a fun date, and when you come back through those doors, we'll go on it, okay?" he asked, having nothing but…confidence on his face.

It all sounded…so good.

"We're going to get through this together," he breathed next to my ear then, before placing a final kiss on my lips. "I'm here now," he whispered against my lips, "and I'm not going anywhere. We're going to get through this together," he said confidently, and I caught one final inhale of his scent before I was wheeled down the doors that he couldn't go past.

I looked back and saw him standing there, like always – like he did so many times leaned up against Morty, against his house door, against my house door, against my locker, against the many restaurant doors that he took me to….just waiting, until I was ready to come back to him.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Helen's POV**

Where had he gone? I was just in the washroom trying to get a few minutes of privacy so I could let out my tears, and now he was just…gone.

"Eli?" I called out, thinking he's surely not this way. The sign says…._chapel_. He's not religious at all, Clare said.

But when I nudged the door ajar, I just knew that those shoulders were his….black T-shirt and black scruffy hair. Oh it's him allright, and he's crying like there's no tomorrow.

Those sobs are making him heave as if his whole body is about to implode in on itself.

I…am not surprised. I know that he was putting on a brave face for my daughter, telling her all those romantic things that I know he meant. But the boy just flew thousands of miles on a fear that turned out to be probably much worse than whatever he had thought.

I knew it would tear him apart.

"No," he painfully screamed as he kicked the pew in front of him.

"NO," he screamed again, and I was glad that there were no other worshippers there as there was clearly no possible praying being done here with Eli. Not today.

I noticed that he gently laid down my daughter's necklace on a pew before he walked up to the altar and banged his fists into it in anger.

"How can people say you exist?" he screamed, his entire face red and streaked with tears. "I…HATE YOU! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!" he screamed.

"I don't buy any of this crap – I think the Vatican preys on credulous people to build itself a Gold City," he argued, and he did have a point about the Vatican after all.

"But…just if…if there's some tiny chance I'm taking it…for her. You and I," he said, banging his fists into the altar until I could actually see blood, "are gonna have a little chat," he continued, sarcastically.

"I hate you," he gritted, "because you don't know justice. Justice isn't taking away a 14 year old beautiful girl because she has an idiot for a boyfriend," he spat.

"And justice is….not what you did to Clare. First her parents split. Then she gets to deal with my mess. Then she has Jake for a boyfriend when she wants him to be a soul mate. Now THIS? No, no, I HATE YOU!" he screamed again.

"You don't exist, because you wouldn't let this crap go on if you did," he said again, "but I'm so desperate that I'm going to take every chance I've got. So let me tell you one thing, Merciful Lord," he said sarcastically, "if you've got some type of sick list up there, some type of _sick quota_ you're trying to meet, something that has Julia and Cam on it, let me tell you why you can't have her, why your quota is all off," he said.

"First, Clare is going to be a journalist. She's going to use her talents to stand up for the innocent and for the weak and give a voice to those who are being hurt and oppressed and who don't have a voice. So YOU CAN'T HAVE HER," he shouted, slamming his fists until the blood ran down to his elbow. I knew I had to stop this, but…I wanted to hear what he had to say. It was not the ramblings of a madman. It was a very eloquent argument surrounded by a desperate delivery.

"But most importantly…you can't have her because your sick numbers game, your sick quota would be off. If you take her…it's not just one. If you take her….you'd be taking _two_ for your quota. You'd be taking _me too_, Goddamn it, don't you understand? There's no way I'd ever survive losing her. YOU CAN'T HAVE HER, and I WON'T LET YOU! I WON'T LET YOU! I'LL FIGHT YOU THIS TIME!" he shouted, repeating how he'll fight over and over again, the blood flowing in a greater amount until I knew I had to stop this.

I ran over and hugged him tightly, and he stopped at once, embarrassed.

He didn't have to say anything, though. I was crying right along with him too, as we retreated back to the pew with Clare's necklace and I held his bloody hand.

It took me a while to get him cleaned up in a family washroom, and I felt very much like he was….a little boy.

"Let me take you home, Eli, we can't stay here, we're not allowed, we'll have to come back in the morning," I said slowly, being tired now from a long day.

"I want to stay, we can't leave her," he pleaded.

"They'll just throw us out using security," I explained. "We'll be back before the surgery is over," I told him.

"Hours back, just to be safe that we're here when she wakes up," he said desperately.

"Of course," I confirmed.

"I…I…it's 2am, if I go home like this I'll scare my parents, I can't call them because my phone is dead? I can't just show up like this, I'll scare them, I'll give my mom a heart attack," he said, shaking.

"Of course you can use my phone, Eli…but…I'm not about to send you home like this, look at you. Your eye is big and purple now, you've had a seizure, and you've cried your heart out, there's blood all over your shirt and pants," I pointed out to him. "You're coming home with me," I told him.

"No, thank you," he said at once and I had a feeling I knew why he rejected that option so quickly.

"Jake and his dad are in BC on a father and son trip. We haven't told Jake yet. It's just me at home," I told him.

I couldn't send him home like this – he looked like such a fright. His poor parents – they'd blame me.

But this kid was stubborn; it's hard to get him to do something he doesn't want to. _Except_…I know his Achilles heel, and I'm going to use it.

"Eli, if you came and stayed over on the couch, I'd really feel a lot safer in my big house, I don't feel very safe being all alone," I said, and it worked like magic.

"Oh, oh, okay," he agreed at once.

"Go get your bags and let's go then. You've had a long day. You're staying with me tonight. Just a few hours and then we'll be back here waiting for Clare," I said, taking in how slow he was walking. When we had to go upstairs, he walked really slow, and I could tell his entire body was sore and hurting him.

But he never complained. This kid was a fighter. Stubborn as hell, but a fighter.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Please leave me a review with your thoughts on what happened, it's very difficult to get motivated to continue otherwise!**


	4. When it's Love You Give

**Here is the next chapter lovely readers – thank you so much for taking the time to write a review, it really means the world to me. I want so much to hear how you react to what happens, your suggestions (because I write as I go, I can often work in your suggestions), and your predictions. I know some of you like long chapters, so this chapter is for the reviewer who told me she loved that the last update was 17k…another one, just for you. Lots of love! **

XXXXXXXXXXX

**Helen's POV**

"You can leave your bags here," I told Eli, gesturing towards the couch as we made our way in the dark house. I turned the lights on as I hear Eli sigh.

"While I get you something to eat," I continued, "and then you can stay in Jake's room tonight, you probably know he's not here for the summer," I said thoughtfully, thinking of where would be the best place to put him.

He shifted from one foot to the other uncomfortably as he replied, "Um, I think I'll just stay on the couch if that's okay with you," and he didn't look at me as he said that.

"Eli, that couch isn't very comfortable at all. And you look like such a fright, I think you could use a few hours of a productive rest," I pointed out.

"It just feels weird...um, to stay in Jake's room...I don't...I don't want to," he said in a small, but determined voice.

"Well, do you want to stay in Clare's room instead?" I asked, not really liking that thought. That was my daughter's room. Not his.

"No," he said, holding a hand up as he closed his eyes. "I can't be in her room and see and touch all her things right now, it would drive me crazy, I feel so guilty already for being in her home when she's all alone in that goddamn hospital," he continued, clutching his fights tightly.

"We didn't have a choice, Eli, we weren't allowed to be there overnight, so there's no use in feeling guilty," I pointed out to him, but I suspected that that went in one ear and out the other.

I sensed this was going to be a long night. He was all...turned around, nervous, twitchy, and I could tell that he needed something. But he was not my child and I did not know him well; I have no idea what to do for him right now. What he needs. But he's not okay. That much would be obvious to anyone.

He pushed his black bags next to the couch and I could tell that he wanted to sit down, but he hesitated.

Well, at least I think I know why he did that.

"Maybe I should just go home," he said nervously. "Um, I can walk, it's not far," he continued, his bangs falling onto his eyes and almost covering them before he swept them aside.

"You will do no such thing. Don't you have any idea how dangerous that is?" I told him, impatiently. For a boy who was always so worried about Clare's safety, he sure seemed to have no idea over how to ensure the same things for himself.

"It's Bloor Street for most of the way, that's fine," he protested.

"At 2am, Eli?" I reasoned with him. "There is no way you're leaving this house. And even if you did get home safe, do you want to give your mom and dad a heart attack? What would they say if they saw you like this? Your eye is purple and yellow, Eli, and not to mention you'd have to explain to them you had a seizure and have God knows how many relaxants in your system. I don't want to be responsible for your parents having a heart attack, they don't even know you're in town. When they see you like that they'll think you've been assaulted, for crying out loud," I told him, and he began looking embarrassed.

I slowly continued, "What we _will_ do is get you in the shower. Your clothes are all bloody, let me wash them," I told him.

"No, I'm not going to make you do laundry," he stubbornly resisted. "If...if you have a plastic bag, I'll just put them in there and do them myself at home," he offered instead, and I was becoming more and more obvious that with this kid, you had to pick your battles. Maybe him and Clare have even more in common than I thought. I decided this was a small victory.

"Well, all right then. You can sleep on the couch, though I don't imagine you'll be very comfortable," I continued with a frown. "And you can use Jake's shower, upstairs connecting to his room," I added.

"Okay," he nodded as he nervously clutched his dead phone.

"I have a universal charger from this travel kit I have for work, just...let me get it and you can charge your phone too," I told him as I finally slipped my shoes off.

"Thank you," he said politely as he looked right at me. It was a little eerie how a kid that young could have such strong looks of conviction on his face. I've never seen him quite like this.

When I returned with the charger, I noticed that he had pulled out a change of clothes from his bag and his iBook was sitting on the table.

He plugged the charger in and his phone came alive, showing the screen that it does when it had been consumed dry.

"Follow me," I told him, because I could see that he needed some help.

We headed up the stairs and I didn't like that he didn't seem able to keep up with me – and I was walking deliberately slowly on purpose.

"Eli, does your leg hurt?" I asked him.

"Nope, never better," I heard him reply, but somehow that didn't convince me.

,

We reached the second floor and I stopped at the storage unit between Clare and Jake's room and pulled out a large blue towel and a smaller washcloth and told him, "You can use these, they're for guests, I just washed them," and he shot me a grateful look before thanking me politely.

"Is there anything else you need?" I asked him as I opened the door to Jake's room and then to the adjoining washroom.

"Please go to bed, you don't need to stay up to take care of me. It's been a long day for you too," he pleaded.

"I will," I lied, having no intention to do so.

I never got the chance to talk to Eli alone – Clare always whisked him out of my sight whenever I tried. He always came to pick her up on dates and he always dropped her off and remained at the doorstep until she was physically inside, but she'd always give me a snarky "Eli has to go now, mom," before I'd ever get the chance to talk to him. And in light of recent events, I definitely wanted to talk to him a little.

But...I wondered if tonight was the right night. The boy was a mess.

The only time I've ever seen anything close to this was when...when my mom died and dad outlived her. Only for three months, though – I could just _tell _that he had died of a broken heart. No matter how much I tried to get him to live life with us, to be involved, to take pleasure in something, _anything_...it was as if he just...faded away from us after he lost her. Clare wouldn't remember; she was barely two, and not even Darcy can remember that awful period. When he finally did pass, I know it was because he stopped fighting. He just...had no interest in anything anymore. Not in golf, not in jazz, not in his aeronautics magazines...he just...faded away from us.

It chilled me to the core that Eli's mannerisms...just...reminded me of those times. This was a boy broken, swimming to stay on top when around Clare – he had nothing but strength when he was around her just half an hour ago. But now...it's as if that shield just melted away and he's...totally adrift.

"Eli," I called out, my voice taking on a little bit of urgency. "Hurry up and shower, and I'll make you something to eat, okay?" I suggested again.

"No ma'am, I'm not hungry, please go to bed," he said.

"Eli...," I sighed in frustration.

"I can't...I can't eat with her in there. She's not allowed to eat – why should I?" he then whispered, and I realized what was happening here.

"Eli, it's not...not your fault. What happened with Clare," I told him gently.

"It _is _my fault," he protested at once. _Oh no_.

"How?" I asked him, wondering what kind of warped logic he had gotten himself into.

"I should have been able to tell earlier. That something wasn't _right_. The nosebleeds, the stress...I should have been able to stop it. Instead I just _added_ to it," he said painfully, and now he _was_ crying.

"No, Eli, no," I replied. "Not your fault," I told him urgently. "Dr. Masterson said we caught it pretty early," I pointed out.

"Still," he sighed.

"Eli...you have to stop doing this to yourself. And it starts with eating," I pointed out.

"I can't eat until I see her okay. I don't...I don't feel like it. Or anything, I don't feel like _anything _until Clare can do it too," he replied stubbornly.

How on earth was I supposed to get the world's most stubborn teenager out of this mindset?

It suddenly struck me – just like I got him to come home and rest for a bit. I knew his weakness, his Achilles heel, and I knew it wouldn't fail me.

"Eli," I sighed patiently. "You're no good to her like this," I hinted, and I saw that that peaked his curiosity.

"W-what do you mean?" he asked, urgently looking up at me.

"You're no good to her like the mess that you are right now. She doesn't need this, Clare doesn't need this. You need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of her in turn. You're...you're heading down a bad path, Eli. You're going to get yourself sick out of pure worry. And...I don't think it would be the first time you would have done that," I said, knowing that I was going to hurt him.

That look sure confirmed it. He looked...ashamed.

"I...I've had some problems," was all he chose to say.

"I know. And I think a lot of those can be prevented this time around. You need to get yourself a little bit more stable right now. You need to rest and eat so you can take care of her, Eli. She needs strength and wholesomeness right now. She needs you to be all together, so you can help pull her together," I told him, knowing my strategy was working like magic.

"Clare needs me," he said quietly, almost to himself.

"I-I," he stumbled, "I'm think I'm gonna have a shower," he then said, as if thinking about it for the first time.

I shot him a smile as a reward, "You do that, Eli. You do that," I confirmed.

"Don't wait up for me," he said before entering the washroom, and in that moment I hated this kid's bravery. He still had to get his way.

"I won't," I told him, because two can play that game.

I went to my room and changed into a pair of black gym pants and a white T-shirt and rested my eyes for a few minutes before making my way to the kitchen. I could hear the water running in the shower, which I took as a good sign.

_What does Eli like to eat_, I thought to myself as I opened up the fridge and then scanned my cupboards. I tried to remember of the few times he's stayed for dinner. He ate whatever I put down in front of him every single time, but I'd like to make him something he actually _likes _tonight. A favourite of his or something.

_Tacos_? I think he'd probably just eat one as an excuse and no more, and they're a lot of work to make now, so it's a no for tacos.

I have that chicken still, and the potatoes, and I could use those tomatoes and cucumbers for a salad. _Done,_ I said to myself, making up my mind.

By the time he ventured downstairs wearing a pair of grey sweatpants and a light blue T-shirt, I was almost finished; just reaching into the bread box to pull out a roll for him.

He startled when he saw me, and I felt bad for scaring him.

"Sorry," I told him. "Come and eat," I told him in my most authoritative voice as I gestured for him to sit down, and he followed suit. I knew he'd be hungry.

"You...you didn't have to do all this," he said, and I wondered why he was so embarrassed.

"When's the last time you ate, Eli?" I asked him.

"Um, er-er, I ate on the plane," he replied, not meeting my gaze as he sat down on a stool at the table.

"What did you have?" I asked him immediately, testing him.

"Um...er-" he stumbled.

"Let that be the last time you _lie_ to me, Eli," I reprimanded him, and I watched as his face actually flushed.

"I just...I don't want you to make a big deal about me," he replied, and I honestly did believe him.

"Eli...I'm going to tell you something that I think you really need to hear," I said as I put his food down in front of him. I could see that I had his attention.

I wasn't used to that – a teenage boy keeping his focus on me once his food was down in front of him. _So _many times did the garbage not get taken out because I reminded Jake at dinner time to do it; I quickly learned that if you wanted Jake to actually do something you asked, you'd better not assign it at dinner time. The boy was wonderful, reliable help – but it was just too much for him at that time. He was too distracted.

"What?" Eli asked, his green eyes staring me down.

"Sometimes...having someone help you and look after you doesn't mean that you failed. It just means...that you're not in it alone," I told him.

"I...I agree," was all he said as he quietly looked down at his food.

I decided it was time to lighten the mood a bit.

I thought I'd give him a little tease by saying,

"I'd tell you to say grace before eating that, but I think you did enough communication in that Chapel earlier today," I finished with a giggle.

Eli, however, clearly didn't think it was funny, and judging by his red face, I only ended up embarrassing him more.

"Um," he faltered, and now I hated that he looked...hungry, but...scared to eat.

"Oh Eli, I was just joking," I told him.

"Um...I'm sorry...about...like, I swore and stuff in that chapel," he stumbled.

"It was by far _the most _colorful and…blasphemous speech I've ever heard inside a place of worship my entire life," I told him with my eyes wide open, before I narrowed them playfully at him and added, "And I completely…_loved _it" .

Eli looked as if a pink elephant had catapulted through the window and began dancing on his plate – I have never seen anyone look more shocked in my entire life.

"Eli, eat, before it gets cold," I told him, hating that I made him feel uncomfortable when he already looked so embarrassed to be eating dinner here. I guess it felt different for him; he's eaten here many times, but always with Clare here as well.

"I was just...angry," he tried to explain, and I saw that he could barely swallow that first bite.

"Eli, I could care less about saying grace right now. My beautiful, smart, picture-of health daughter who insists I buy carrots and broccoli for her lunch every week – what other child does that? – has _cancer._ I'm pretty angry at God right now too. _Screw grace_," I told him, feeling my own eyes water up now.

"I...I," he began, pushing his plate away.

"Don't you dare," I warned him. "You need to be strong for Clare right now, and I can tell that you haven't eaten all day, if not even longer. You don't like it?" I asked him. "I'll get you something else," I offered.

"No, it's wonderful," Eli quickly replied as he resumed eating, much to my satisfaction.

We sat there in silence as I put some salad and chicken on a plate for myself as well and began eating.

"What is it," I softly asked when I could tell that Eli was trying to work up the courage to ask me something.

"Just..." he stumbled. "Am I...am I like…like public enemy number one with you right now?" he asked, and when he looked up at me I saw the worry in his eyes.

"You're referring to what Clare told me about prom night," I filled in, and he became even more visibly uncomfortable – if such a thing was possible.

"It's just that...I don't have a chance of making things work with her if you're not on my side," he stumbled out. "If you don't...if it makes you unhappy that she's with me...she'll never keep me on," he said, and now it was my turn to be surprised.

"I'm afraid you're overestimated how much Clare cares about my opinion," I said sadly as I poured him a glass of ice tea.

"No...she does. She _does._ It might work out for a little while, but...deep down inside she loves you a lot and cares most about what you think. It would never work if you...if I was public enemy number one with you," he argued, gripping the glass tightly and getting teary again.

"Eli, what do you want me to say," I sighed.

"I...love her," he told me, looking me right in the eyes again.

"I believe you," I told him, "but part of me wants to skin you alive," I confessed.

"Mrs. Martin," he then said, standing up in his chair a little, "I...I _don't want to_...I need you to understand that my intentions...are not...I don't want to steal Clare away or make her change the things she believes in. I just want to...be everything she needs," he confessed, and I saw a tear escape his eye.

He added, "I made sure that the decision we made together was...on her own terms, when and how _she _wanted. I...waited, I didn't jump at the first chance that came up. I...know the girl that she is, I know that it was her decision, and...I just wanted you know that – that I don't want to just steal her away and make her change the things that she believes," he finished.

"She could get pregnant, Eli – what then?" I asked him point blank.

"I...we were safe," he said awkwardly.

"Nothing is 100% full proof. Every time it's a risk," I told him, and I saw him slowly nod.

I then continued, "I know that you didn't push her into anything, but you have to understand that to me as a mother, I can't approve this. I don't approve of this," I told him.

I then added, "You say you don't want to steal her away, but I know what she says about next year and Columbia and some apartment in Brooklyn. My sixteen year old daughter for crying out loud! How is that anything but stealing her away?" I asked him.

"Mrs. Martin, that dream, that plan, her and I have," he said, speaking slowly and staring me right in my eyes – "That's not what I want for us," he said with a shrug.

"What?" I asked him, not sure where this was going.

"I don't want to take her away from you, or from the rest of her family – I know that family is the number one thing for her," he explained. "She wants to go to Columbia, and I'm not gonna lie – when she chose that school, I was over the moon. But that plan...that dream we have, that's not what I want for her," he said with a sad sigh.

"What do you mean?" I asked again.

"That's just the _temporary_ plan – our student years plan," he explained. "I...Clare is so excited about college, and so am I – but...every time I try to plan concretely for too far ahead, she hates it," he said with a shrug. "It suffocates her when I push it too far, when I make all these plans," he said bitterly. "So...that's as far as I've shared with her, my...my intentions," he finished.

"Well, I'm not feeling suffocated," I played with him. "Tell _me_, Eli. Tell me your intentions – the whole plan," I pushed him on.

"I very much want her to come to Columbia, but I don't want her to live in the area of Brooklyn that I'm in – that part of the plan will have to be revised," he said, looking just as determined as I've ever seen him.

"What's wrong with where you live?" I questioned.

"Way too dangerous and way too gross for her to be around that kind of stuff," he replied at once.

"Eli! You shouldn't be living there either then!" I chastised him.

"Hey, look, for me, it's fine. It really doesn't matter to me, and it gives me a chance to save up a little. I can save some money that I'll need for when Clare joins me," he said, and something about that intrigued me.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"She...Clare is so..._so _beautiful, so...perfect, just the way she is," he said, with a perfect love struck look on his face just at the sound of her name. "She...she grew in a pretty house, and she had space to run and play – her father is a lawyer; you're an accountant...she...had a different upbringing than me," he finished.

"Eli, you seem very stable, you always take her on such nice dates," I said, confused. The boy seemed like he had money – sure, not a ridiculous amount, but just...enough.

"Of course I do – it's what she deserves, and I know how to make an occasion special for her," he said defensively.

He then continued, "But...growing up, I remember my mom making a household budget that we stuck to if it was the last thing we did. For one whole year, my dad was unemployed," Eli then told me, and I felt bad for him as I could tell that nothing had really been...particularly easy for him.

"We lived like that when I was little, and...I don't...I don't think my parents exactly planned to have me in the first place. And...I just...it didn't feel like a big deal to me because when you're a kid you don't really realize that stuff, but I can't put Clare through that. She...she grew up here, in this house, in this really nice family neighborhood. I know...I know she says she'd be fine wherever, but...that's not what I _want _for her," he said resolutely.

"So no, we're not going to stay in my part of Brooklyn, we need a place in the other end, the area tourists and stuff sometimes visit. The safe, nice area, with all the art galleries and cafes. I don't care how much it is, she...deserves it. She belongs there. And my plan for us doesn't end with a small place in Brooklyn, that's not what I want to give her," he said as he looked down.

"What do you want to give her?" I asked him.

"I...I want more than anything to be successful in my movie career so that I'll have the right to build a life with her together, a life where she doesn't have to make any sacrifices – I want to be able to give her...a house, and our financial independence. I don't see us living in Brooklyn forever; Clare doesn't like the winter, maybe she'll want a softer climate. Who knows, maybe she'll end up wanting to go to California after school or something – who knows? All I know is that I want to eventually be able to give her...," he said, struggling, "I want to be able to give her...everything – a house, a ring, marriage, a family – everything. I want to give her_...the whole package_. I want her to have..._the whole package_," he said, exhausted.

I wondered if he's ever voiced these thoughts out loud before.

"So no, the place in Brooklyn isn't what I want for her. What I want for us is ...the whole package. I need to be able to give her all of that...the safety and happiness she had as a child. It'll never work otherwise. I want...I want the whole package...the happy ending," he said, sniffling, and just coming back down to Earth.

"Eli, that's very beautiful, but Clare cannot be some princess who needs some man to support her," I gently said.

"I know that, and that's not what I want!" he defended himself.

"I just...I'd like to be able to provide her with that type of...safety. I know she'll be an outstanding journalist. But I'm older. I'm going to college first, I'm graduating first – it's my job to get everything figured out so that she can feel safe with me. I'd never tell her that – she'd hate it, but...I know I have to do it like that. I want us to work towards the whole package together, as a team – like we do everything. But...that's what I want for her. I don't want to steal her away or make her change the things that she believes – I just...I want the whole package," he repeated, and I could tell that this was something that had been going through his head for a long time.

"And _you saw_," he then said, "raising his voice – _you saw_ how her dad thinks me unworthy of her," he continued with wet eyes. "Which is why it's even more important for me to get my act together. I'm on the right path, Mrs. Martin, I know I am – at NYU I'll find the right contacts. I will study, I will learn, I will do good. I...I want to make her proud," he said, in a totally broken and exhausted voice.

"Well, Eli, I wouldn't worry too much about what Clare's father says. He doesn't know the first thing about making a woman feel safe," I told him slowly, because I could tell that Randall had deeply wounded him.

"He _hates _me," Eli said bitterly.

"Eli, you just, you can't expect him to understand you. You have a strength of character in you that Randall never had," I said sadly. "He doesn't look like much of a man from where I stand, whereas you...you're getting there," I told him encouragingly, because I had never known his full intentions until tonight.

I loved that he wanted to be successful so he could make Clare proud, and I liked that even if he thought about marriage – ridiculous at his age – he thought about it in a balanced way, not jumping to crazy proposals and whisking my daughter off to New York and jealously keeping her there. He wanted...Eli wanted the real thing, and I had no choice but to respect that.

"That was really good, so delicious," he then said, in reference to his meal.

"Do you want some more?" I asked him. "You're starved," I gasped, just now registering how quickly he had eaten all of that.

"Um, that's okay," he said, embarrassed all over again.

"Just a little more," I told him with a smile, not letting him choose. I could tell that he was famished. And it makes sense, because I don't imagine him eating in the state that he's been in.

A vibrating noise then startled me.

"Your phone," I remarked, and he moved to stand up while eating in a rush.

"No, I'll get it, you stay here and eat," I told him, because the sight of him starving was upsetting me. He needed to calm down a little, and now after a shower and some food, he was starting to get better, but he's still so...all over the place.

"Here you go," I told him once I got back to the kitchen and handed him his phone.

"My boss," he said, sounding nervous.

"Calling you at 2 am?" I asked, in confusion.

"He sent me a text, he probably thinks my phone is on silent when I sleep, but it's not unusual for the set day to finish at 2am," he explained, and I started to have an idea of just why he was so starved. What kind of life was he living there in New York and did his mother know that he's working 16 hour days?

"I'm gonna call him back, just to check in," Eli said as he fumbled with his phone.

"Chris," he said into the phone, and I could tell that he was nervous. "Thank you for your text," he continued as I sat opposite to him at the table.

In the quiet, dark kitchen lit up only by the central light, Eli turned his head and spoke softly into his phone, but I could hear every single word at the other side – which is exactly what I wanted.

"Eli, I just wanted to check in," his boss said.

"Thank you, me too".

"Everything okay with your family?"

"No," Eli then deadpanned. "It's my girlfriend. She has...cancer. She is in surgery as we speak. I...didn't know she'd be going for surgery," he silently said.

"Oh my God," I heard the voice at the other end say, "Oh, Eli, I'm so sorry. That is so awful. Is there anything I can do?" his boss asked.

"You letting me be here is the best thing that anyone can do for me," I watched Eli respond, sounding so eternally grateful.

"Eli, I hate to do this to you, but that's why I'm calling. I had the accountant deposit your pay for the work you've done into the account number your gave us, and I gave you a bonus because you deserve it, and because I think you can use the money seeing how you had to buy a flight and all. But…" his boss then replied.

"What is it?" Eli asked, sounding completely panicked.

"Look, kiddo, you're amazing – we even put in that line you suggested for the script, it's in there, we just shot the scene today," I heard, and Eli's eyes widened at that piece of information.

"You're not serious," he gasped.

"Sure am," his boss continued, "but...I need someone here full time, kiddo, and it sounds to me like your plate is full," his boss continued.

This was going to break his heart. I could tell.

"I—I understand," was all he said as he stared down into the ground.

"I have to replace you, kiddo, and I hate to do it because no other's assistant's come in on a project and was able to actually get a line in the script and help us all like that – what's yours is yours, kiddo, and you've got it. But I need someone here who can actually be here. Time's running out, Eli. I wanted to talk to you before I offer the position to the person who was second after you when we were making our original decisions," his boss continued, the microphone amplifying the news that I could tell was twisting a knife in Eli's stomach.

"I...Chris, I just...this is where I need to be right now. I'm really sorry to have caused you all of this inconvenience, but..._she_ is where I need to be right now," I heard Eli saying, and that made me worry a little – here he is, giving up his first real job.

"I understand perfectly, Eli, and I hope your girl gets better. Let me know if there's anything I can do. It was a pleasure working with you and maybe our paths will cross again in the future," the older gentleman said in a very courteous manner, trying to give Eli some hope, but I wasn't so sure.

"I hope so," Eli sighed. "You do projects with NYU, so...maybe I can be a part of one sometime," Eli replied, hesitatingly.

"For sure. Actually, your replacement will be another NYU student, freshman just like you. I'm gonna wait a couple more days before hiring him...just in case something changes with you," his boss said, and I saw Eli's face fall at that news of the other student.

"Um...that's good, but...I can't imagine anything changing," he said faintly.

"One more thing, Eli," I heard his boss add, and he sounded like he was hesitating.

"What is it?" Eli asked.

"I have to...I have to report it to NYU that you won't be doing the project," I heard him say, and I was getting angry now. Why does he have to do that? Surely the school and the job are two separate things.

"I...I know," I heard Eli say as he sighed again. "I have to tell them too, because when I won that scholarship they said it's like a contract. If anything changes I have to let them know," Eli specified. _Oh. I have seen things like that before. _

"Same thing with me, kiddo, NYU pays a part of your salary when you work on one of my projects. Eli...I really wish I didn't have to tell them, because – " his boss, said, not finishing his sentence.

"I'll lose my scholarship," Eli finished for him. _What?_

"Well, I didn't say that, they just have to re-evaluate your file," his boss replied.

"Working for you was without a doubt the biggest achievement in my file; everything else is so puny compared to it. We both know I'm losing it," Eli said, and I saw his entire face tremble a little.

"Listen, I'll talk to them, these are special circumstances," I heard his boss reply. _Yes! Do that, talk to them for God's sake. Are they really going to be so cruel as to take away the boy's scholarship? He worked hard for that._

"Do you think they'll listen?" Eli asked.

"Um, seeing how it's a bunch of lawyers in this case – not profs anymore, because it's treated like a real contract...I wouldn't get my hopes up. They're heartless, Eli, and this kind of stuff is in the small print, you know – no exceptions," I heard the voice inform Eli.

"Well, so be it then," Eli said with a deep breath.

"Kiddo, I remember what that tuition was like – and you're an international student too, it's practically triple for you. How on earth are you going to manage to swing it without your full ride?" I then heard.

"I can't," Eli said, shaking his head.

"What do you mean?" his boss asked.

"There's no way I can even afford one semester at NYU without that help, not to mention one whole degree," Eli sighed.

"What are you trying to say," his boss replied, sounding worried.

"What I'm trying to say is that I think I might be done, NYU's just not in the cards," Eli replied, hiding his eyes from me.

"No, Eli, come on – I just won't report it," I then heard his boss say, determined. _Yes! Come on movie industry man, just skip the rules this once – aren't you kind of people too cool for rules anyway?_

"And have the entire studio shut down because of fraud because of me? No thanks," Eli said. "They'd find out. You know they will. Just...let me figure it out, talk to my parents," he then said resolutely.

"All right then, keep me posted, Eli," his boss said.

"I will," Eli said, but I had learned how to read this kid by now and I knew that he didn't really mean to do that – I knew just by the sound in his voice.

He hung up his phone and put it away as he stared straight at the wall ahead.

"Eli Goldsworthy," I then told him sternly.

"Don't tell her," was all he said. "Not about NYU and not about...what I told you earlier. About the whole package," he begged.

"Eli, you can't just lose school," I told him.

"Let me talk to my parents. See what I can do. This can wait a few days. It'll take Chris a few days to find someone, you heard him say, to find the other student. I don't...I don't care," Eli said with a heavy sigh.

"Well _I_ care," I told him. "Wasn't this all part of how you would achieve your big plan?" I asked him.

"All I care about right now is to see Clare wake up. To hear the doctor got it all. I'll worry about all this other crap in two days. Don't you see what he was doing? He was...giving me time. Two days is an enormous amount of time in a production – so much money is spent in two days on just the equipment rental – Chris was...he was giving me time," he tried to explain.

"Clare might not even wake up in two days," I pointed out.

"I'll figure something out," he repeated. "I'll just...I'll deal with this later. I came home to help her, to be there for her, to see that she's okay. Just...right now I can't handle more than one thing at a time," he said, holding a hand up to his temple and frowning.

"I just...I can't," he whispered.

"I think you need some rest, Eli," I told him softly.

"Let me get you a pillow and a blanket, and you can sleep on the couch, just like you wanted to, okay?" I told him with a smile. None of this was fair. He was going to lose that scholarship, I know it. I just know it. He can't be in two places at once. And if he loses his scholarship...even I know how hard he's worked for this. Why can't that council just let him off the hook? He deserves a break, this kid. He's so...tired.

I quickly found the things he'd need and placed them on the couch.

"There, now just get some sleep," I told him quietly.

"I want to be there at 6. In three and a half hours," he said, nervousness oozing out of his every pore. "I'm going there at 6, when the gates open, at the hospital, I want...I have...I'm gonna be there at that time," he repeated.

"I want to go then too," I told him, "and we can just wait together until they finish," I added.

"Yeah, yeah, exactly," Eli replied, and I could tell that he was happy that I got it, that I understood his worry, his nervousness.

"Try to sleep a little," I called out to him as I began walking away, "because Clare will need you when she'll wake up, and you can't be tired. So you have to sleep now – for her," I told him, knowing that that tactic was the only one that had a chance to work with him – whenever I wanted him to act a certain way, I just had to link it to how it would help Clare, how much she needed it – and he'd do it. For a boy who pretends to be all broody and mysterious, he really is easy to figure out, I must say.

"Okay," he replied in an exhausted voice as I turned off the lights and left the room.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

When I woke up a few hours later, I quickly changed and headed down the stairs to find Eli fully dressed, and the sheets and blankets and pillow I gave him neatly stacked at the end of the bed. He had such a look of…impatience and fright on his face, and he jumped up when saw me. How long had he been waiting there, just…ready to go?

"Um, I'm ready," he said, his entire body twitching nervously.

"Did you sleep at all?" I asked him.

"Yeah, totally," he said, shrugging, and handing me my purse as if to hurry me along. "But I'm ready now, let's go," he pressed.

When we reached the intersection that was going to lead us right to the hospital, I saw that it was only 5:30 am and I took a look at the Starbucks across the street and it was indeed, open.

"Do you want a coffee, Eli? You look so tired," I told him gently, thinking that I definitely remembered him liking coffee – he'd stopped by a few Saturday mornings with a tray of coffee and croissants for Clare in the past.

"No, ma'am, that's okay, thanks," he said. "But I'd like to buy you one, please," he insisted. "I…I just got paid yesterday, it's the least I can do for the kindness you've shown me," he added.

"Eli, no way – save your money," I told him strictly, because I knew that he couldn't have gotten paid more than a few hundred dollars and he had also purchased an entire flight recently, and those definitely don't come cheap.

"I have money," he said defensively, and I quickly noticed that this was a point of pride with him – or becoming one. And I had a feeling I knew why based on what he told me last night. Clare did grow up comfortably, it's true – I always made sure her and Darcy had whatever we needed, that they got treats every time we went out, that they took vacations – and Eli wants to provide her with the same kind of standard. I just wish I could get it through his head that student days are different; you're supposed to save and watch your money then. But…in one way he's right. He should make efforts to give Clare great dates, and from what I've seen he does always deliver.

"I'll be right back," I said after pulling into the Starbucks parking lot.

I decided not to listen to him because I had the feeling that he had turned down the coffee just because he was embarrassed I would be paying for it. I bought him one anyway, and he thanked me politely and told me I shouldn't have when I returned to the car.

"My pleasure," I told him. "It's nice….not to be alone," I confessed, and I expected him to ask about Glen and Jake, but he just kept silent. He walked with determination through the hospital and up to the fourth floor nurses station where he asked the only nurse on duty about Clare.

"Edwards," the nurse confirmed, looking at some papers in front of her. "She's still in with Dr. Masterson – I just got an update from Dr. Masterson, said she's got about seven hours left with her still," the nurse confirmed.

"That's a good thing, right? It means she can operate on the whole thing, get the entire tumour out?" Eli asked impatiently.

"Generally, yes," the nurse explained patiently. "But it's impossible to know what exactly is taking so long, it could also be a complication," the nurse added.

"A complication?" Eli then asked, mouth agape. "No one said anything about a complication!" he then said, raising his voice.

"I'm sorry Sir, it's just impossible to know until we hear from Dr. Masterson herself," the nurse supplied.

"When is that supposed to be? Does she come out of surgery?" Eli asked incredously.

"No, Sir, one of the other doctors under her command comes out at her request," the nurse told Eli, explaining what I already knew.

"You can sit down over here, Sir," she said, pointing to a group of four chairs in a small hallway. The doors at the end of the hallway were marked "Staff access only, do not enter," and I had a feeling that my daughter was just beyond those doors.

"Let's sit down Eli," I told him, grabbing him by the arm and leading him to the chairs before he could continue his interrogation of the nurse – I knew there was no point and that he'd get nowhere with that. Not that it would stop him, of course.

He sat down in a chair and I sat in the one next to him and we were both overtaken by silence. We were both nervously holding on to our phones, as if we expected to hear about Clare on there, and I noticed that Eli's legs were twitching nervously and he kept opening and closing his eyes while taking short, rapid breaths, but I decided not to pick on him any longer. It was clear he was just trying to use whatever coping or calming technique worked for him, and I wasn't going to question him about it or draw attention to it because I noticed that he didn't like that. I knew that he would just shut down if I took him down that path.

I will never forget the nervous and dark hours that Eli and I spent in those tiny uncomfortable metal chairs, just waiting for the news that would make or break both of our lives. It felt like an eternity before the doors finally opened up wide, with a loud noise and as both of us looked up with our hearts pounding, it was the person that we wanted to see.

Dr. Masterson was wearing green scrubs and a pink scrub carb with pink cowboy boots on it, her blonde hair neatly tucked into it but still visible. She also had a headlamp on, secured around her scrub cap with a strong black elastic band. She quickly pulled off her mask and finally took in Eli and I and…she broke out in an infectious smile.

"Mrs. Martin, Eli," she said as she approached us and I held onto Eli's arm, squeezing it emotionally. I don't know what possessed me to do that, but I…I had to feel him. I just had to, in that moment.

"What happened?" he asked emotionally, his breath shaky.

"Helen!" I then heard a voice yell, and….oh my God, please don't let that just be my imagination.

As I felt his strong arms hug me from behind, the jolt making me lose my grip on Eli, I knew that it couldn't be anyone but him.

"Glen," I said emotionally. "The doctor is just about to tell us how the surgery went," I told him.

"Oh okay," Glen said, getting my message that he had to be quiet.

"The surgery went well," Dr. Masterson said with a bright smile. "I was able to get the entire tumour out – that's why I took so long. Clare held out beautifully and I just want to warn you, that even though this is the best possible news – she'll still need to keep going with her chemotherapy like I had explained to you. I do expect her cancer to go into remission, but she needs to do the chemotherapy. Her journey isn't over yet, but she's definitely…in the express lane, if you know what I mean. This is big – this is a big deal, that the malignant tumour is out of her body. I expect her to wake up…well, not very soon – it'll take a few hours or even a couple of days. But for now…you also need to rest and…be ready for when she wakes up. You can tell her the good news," Dr. Masterson finished, and although she was her bright and cheery usual self, I could also tell that she was completely exhausted.

"Thank you so much, thank you so much," I exploded, hugging her with tears in my eyes.

"Oh," she exhaled in our embrace. "You're welcome, you're most welcome," she answered.

"Oh Glen," I cried emotionally as he embraced me. "You came," I breathed.

"Of course, of course. I didn't tell Jake yet, but now that the surgery went well, I think we should," he said. "I, um, think he can take it, he'll understand. He won't be as...unhinged as...um that kid you had with you," he then added.

"Okay, okay, you tell Jake, but..." I told him as I felt him wiping my tears away. "Where's Eli?" I then asked, suddenly registering that he had disappeared.

"Yeah, that's his name, I forgot, but yeah, that's who I meant, that little kid in black Clare's always with. He was just here," Glen said, also puzzled.

"Wait here, I've got to find him, he's such a mess and his parents don't even know he's here, I'm responsible for him right now," I instructed Glen as I walked down the hallway.

_Where could he be_? He must have taken off just after Dr. Masterson told us the good news.

I walked all the way down the hallway and there was no sign of him – until I came to some doors that opened to a staircase and…yes, that was his figure in the corner there.

And he was _sobbing_. It was unlike anything I had ever seen before – his whole body was shaking with the tremors as his shoulders heaved up and down. His head was in his hands, and his black hair was falling onto his face, obscuring it out of my view as his sobs got bigger and bigger and wilder and wilder.

I realized that…he had been holding all of this in, but when he heard that the surgery went well, he no longer could, so he retreated here so that no one would see him.

And somehow it seemed….wrong to intrude on him right now. I think he needed this bit of privacy, which is why he ran away looking for it.

He was sitting on the first stair of the group and trying to emerge out of the tears, but every time he tried he covered it up with his hands again. I wanted to leave him alone, but the longer I stayed, the more certain it looked to be that he was working himself up to a full-blown panic attack and that I did have to intervene.

"Eli," I said as I quietly, but not too quietly as to approach him, "It's okay," I said as I squeezed his shoulder and sat next to him.

He startled a bit and tried to hide his face.

"Ss-soory," he hiccupped out.

"No, no need to be sorry," I told him patiently, and I didn't want to tell him anything else.

It seemed so personal, so private – this moment of his, managing as best as he could and I didn't want to ask him to calm down or anything like that, because that would have been suggesting that he wasn't doing things properly…and there was no way of doing these things properly. What he was doing was fine – I was just scared for him to be alone because if he did work himself up into a panic attack, it could be a while before anyone found him in this quiet staircase.

It took a while, but he eventually stopped.

"I thought we might go wait for Clare in her room, 14C," I told him. "They'll be bringing her back now," I told him, and just as soon as I said that, he jumped up and said "Let's go".

We waited there for a while until they did finally wheel her in, her sleeping form looking so peaceful. I heard the steady beep of the monitor and watched her eyes moving at one point – probably with the motions of a dream.

Eli jumped to the side of the nurses bringing her in at once and inspected the way they locked her bed into the matching pieces on the floor as if he were the principal engineer who made that bed. He pulled up a chair to her bedside and gently took her hand in his and kept it there for hours, gently caressing her fingers with his own.

I tried to get him to eat something, to walk around a bit – it was five hours now since she had been sleeping and he had not moved, but it was completely impossible to get through to him now. He was in his own world now, just looking after Clare and holding her hand in his own and scanning every inch of her with his eyes whenever the doctors did something, such as take her vitals. Nothing I was suggesting – was he hungry, was he tired – nothing was ever actually really responded to; he was always polite but I could tell that the only thing on his mind was Clare, and nothing else. Glen shot him many strange looks as he waited by my side, but I understood what Eli was doing.

He didn't want to talk to anybody or see anybody. He only wanted Clare to wake up, and he was keeping her hand in his in hopes that she'd…feel it. That's why he alternated the ways he'd caress her hand, why he'd take breaks, but never really stop.

He was lost in his own world, his own world where Clare waking up was the only thing that mattered.

I think he wanted the proof that he couldn't deny that she really was all right. Eli liked Dr. Masterson, I could tell, but he didn't….trust doctors. And I couldn't blame him after what he had been through. It seemed to me like doctors failed him time and time again – with his own diagnosis and everything that happened before.

It seemed to me that the only person Eli trusted was…Clare.

And right now, the only thing in his world was her waking up.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

**Eli's POV**

_Wake up. Please wake up. Wake up now, Clare, wake up my love. _

_We can get through anything, nothing matters at the end of the day – nothing but you being okay. _

_Everything else can be fixed. The only thing I can't fix is...death. _

She looked very peaceful, sleeping on her side; I think the doctors turned her this way so as to not expose her...her scar. I don't want her to have a scar – she doesn't need that, it's not fair that out of all people, this happened to her. None of this is fair. All she deserves is happiness – fun dates and making plans for Columbia – not any of this.

Just...please wake up. Please wake up.

I know she said it was a good surgery. I know she said it will greatly help your case if the lump is gone, if she managed to get it out.

But...I want to see you awake. I want to believe what the doctor said, but I can't yet.

I can't yet, not until I see you wake up.

I'm so sick of doctors telling me what will happen – they're never right. They always make it sound _so easy_ – just take your meds, Eli, just eat and sleep properly and everything will be fine. It's not like that. It was never like that and it never will be like that – nothing is fine unless I make sure it is.

_So please wake up, Clare, please...please wake up. _

_For me. _

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Clare's POV**

Mmmmm...ouch. Don't turn like that, that's so painful.

_I can feel his hand on mine, and I want to wake up for him, but I'm so tired...just...so tired. I'll just sleep for a few minutes_, _he can tell I'm just sleeping, he'll let me, _I thought to myself before I realized where I was and what had just happened.

_I can't just sleep for a few minutes more – I have to let him know I'm fine, I have to talk to him. He's probably waiting for me right now, and the wait is probably killing him._

_I'm so tired that I want to sleep the entire day, but I have to let him know. I have to just...muster up the strength to let him know._

_Come on, wake up for a few seconds, _I willed myself.

"E-Eli," I tried to say, but I'm not sure that it came out as comprehensible – it sounded like just a moan.

"Clare," I then heard my mom's voice say...and was that Glen? My eyes were all blurry, but I think that was him.

"I'm oookay," I told them, frustrated that I was so tired that I couldn't communicate that I wanted Eli. I wanted Eli! Why did they push him out of the way? That was so mean of them, and I was so angry but I couldn't express it properly.

"Oh, Clare, your surgery went well, sweetheart," I heard my mom softly say as she held my hand s gently. "They got it all," she said with a smile that I saw through half-open eyelids.

"G-good," I mumbled back, not sounding any more coherent. I was really happy to hear that – if I was going to go through all this pain, at least Dr. Masterson got it all and it wasn't all for nothing.

"EE-li," I then said aggressively, because I really didn't feel like talking to Glen next. It's very nice that he's here and all, but I. Want. Eli. Why doesn't anyone understand that?

"E-Eli," I then asserted again, hoping that I was making the one syllable name clear.

I heard some shuffling and...there he was. It was _so good _to see him.

I wanted to see how he was – how he looked, what he was saying, what he was doing – I wanted to see all of that, so I willed myself to open my eyes up wide and I tried to stand up, but all I achieved was some unsuccessful side to side movement.

"No, hey, don't move," I heard Eli say as he took my hand and leaned over, touching my bangs with his other hand and slowly brushing them back.

"Hey, hey," he said in a very soft voice, "I'm right here, Clare, I'm right here, don't move. You did so good – aced it, like you do everything," he said with a wink of his green eyes.

"I love you," he then whispered right against my ear, and I could feel his breath against my skin as he leaned his forehead against mine and his whole body trembled.

"Too," was all that I was coherently able to get out.

"You feel okay? Are you in any pain? What can I get you? What can I do for you? Tell me and I'll do it, please, please," he asked, his voice strong but his entire body trembling.

"Just stay," I told him in a hoarse voice as I squeezed his hand.

"Of course, I'm not going anywhere," Eli replied, nothing but powerful conviction in his voice as he adjusted the blanket around my body. He then leaned in and swept my bangs aside and I could feel that his face was damp; probably from tears. He kissed my forehead, gently and slowly, once, and just as he was pulling away, he did it one more time.

I saw him scanning my eyes as I cuddled into his touch and I heard him say, "You sleep now, Clare. I can tell you're tired," in a voice so low that it was almost a whisper.

"N-no," I tried to argue with him, because it felt like so long since I had seen him and I wanted to be awake and feel his touches and hear what he had to say and just...feel him, all around me – I wanted to spend time with him.

"Sleep so you can get better for our date," he then said with a smirk.

"W-what are we doing?" I asked curiously. I knew that it would be so long before I could get out of this bed, but I wanted to see what he had planned – he always had the best, most creative and most fun dates lined up for us.

"It's a surprise," he said as he kissed my cheek and turned to my ear to whisper, "But it's gonna be our best date ever. I promise you that every date I take you on will be better than the last," he added, and he even kissed my ear, making me squirm slightly in pleasure.

"Ow," I then said as I moved – that didn't go so well.

"Sorry," Eli said as his face fell.

"Love you," I told him urgently, because I didn't want him to feel guilty and because I just felt so overwhelmed with everything – he was here, he was being so loving and gentle as always – I almost forgot how he was. Dr. Masterson was right – he's already lifting my stress; it's as if he can just lift it with his hands and cast it away.

"I love you too. Forever," he asserted as he gently caressed my cheek and kissed it a second after, "But please go back to bed for now. I can tell that you're fighting your body to stay awake. And there's no reason to, sweetheart, I'm not going anywhere," he said, gently playing with my fingers in our interlocked hands.

"When you wake up," he continued, his voice also sounding exhausted, "I will be right here. So you rest easy, Clare, I'll be right here. For now just rest," he said gently, stroking my arm with his fingers.

"And I have your necklace," he added, pulling it out of his pants pocket. I had forgotten about that.

He gently laid it around my neck and connected it at the back as well, with just as much ease as if he had done all his life.

"There. So beautiful," he said encouragingly, and he scanned the field and he must have decided that my mom and Glen weren't looking, because what he did next was so wonderfully...intimate and private. It reminded me of our night together, when he did something similar.

He adjusted the cross so that it was in between the tips of my collarbone, and he then leaned in and gently kissed each tip, making me shiver in pleasure as I placed my hand in his hair and tugged on it as a response to his kisses. He made me feel amazing, so loved and so appreciated. I knew how much he cared for me without a doubt – it was not only in his words, but always in his actions.

"So beautiful," he repeated.

"I...why did He do this," I then said, feeling my voice break. I regretted asking Eli, though, because...well, just because he didn't know anything about this stuff.

"I don't know and I never will understand it," he whispered as I watched a cold shiver take over his body and anger enter his eyes, "all I know is that Dr. Masterson is an angel, and she kicks...His ass," Eli supplied, making me almost giggle. Of course he'd say that.

I then heard my mom call out, "And besides, Eli already had a little chat with Him, I don't think you have any more trouble coming your way for a while," she said, and I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"What?" I asked. Eli...doing that?

"I'll tell you the full story later, Clare, it's to die for," mom said, shooting Eli a smirk of her own. What on earth happened here? My mom has never looked so comfortable around him before...these two obviously had a chat since I've been gone, and I need to know what they talked about.

But for now...Eli has a point. I'm tired. And I want to recuperate quickly so I can go on our date – I'm not blind, I know he has to head back to New York eventually, and he can't possibly have more than a week or so off. I want to get better quickly and be out of the hospital so that I can go on our date.

Just me and him. No hospitals. No doctors. No parents. Just me and him, doing whatever he has planned. I want that more than anything, so I guess I'd better listen to him.

"Jacket," I told him in a hoarse voice.

"You want your jacket?" Eli asked, sounding a bit confused as his eyes scanned the room.

"No, your jacket," I clarified, tugging at it with my free hand.

"Oh, of course," he said, taking off his black hoodie quickly and gently placing it over the hospital cover, adjusting it over me methodically.

"Are you cold? I'll tell the doctors, that's not a good sign," he said, and I could just feel the worry coming on. He placed his hand on my forehead as if to take my temperature and I really wished that would have been a kiss instead.

"Not cold," I said in my hoarse voice. "Just...you...it feels like you, I want to feel you," I explained, and the smug smirk that stretched across his face told me that he was very pleased with that answer.

"Well in that case," he said, and I saw him looking at my mom and Glen out of the corner of his eye. I could tell that they pretended to give us some privacy, as they were talking to each other and my mom was pointing at something on Glen's phone.

Eli then leaned his head in next to mine and kissed me slowly and chastely, but it was the way he did it that made me softly tremble – he was determined but gentle at the same time, and his fingers lightly grazed my arm as he kissed me, making me close my eyes and exhale deeply.

"Something for you to dream about," he whispered against my lips with a smirk before slowly pulling away, interlacing his fingers with mine again.

"I'll be right here for when you wake up," he said, giving my hand a final squeeze and whispering an "I love you" that was the final thing my mind captured before I closed my eyes and was flooded by sweet memories and dreams of his gentle touches and his reassuring "I'll be right here when you wake up".

XXXXXXXXXXXX

**Eli's POV**

_How can I take the best care of her? What can I do for her? What does she need? _I thought to myself as I gently held her hand in mine. I watched her chest slowly rise and fall with each breath as she lay on her side, and I pushed the hair out of her face and off her neck so it wouldn't bother her as she slept.

_She is where I need to be_, I thought to myself. I know that everything is falling to pieces in New York – but I can't not be here right now. I could tell on the phone that something was wrong. I could tell that my girl needed me and that she is where I need to be right now. I can let everything else go at the end of the day. Because when all is said and done, the only thing that matters to me is that she is safe, that she is home, and that she is healthy and well-looked after.

And with that thought, I knew that I needed some help here.

"Mrs. Martin," I called out, slowly turning around to where Clare's mom and her husband were sitting side by side. She seemed so happy to have him here, and I liked that.

"Yes, Eli," she replied.

"I'd like…I'd like to do something more for Clare, to help her out somehow, to do things she needs. Get her what she needs," I tried to explain, hoping that I was making sense.

"I understand," Clare's mom said reassuringly.

"She just fell asleep – I'd like to go and get her a few things before she wakes up. Things that make her feel more comfortable. When I was…er-when I was in the hospital my dad did that for me and it helped," I confessed.

"Of course, let me get you some money," she then replied and I hated that she thought I couldn't take care of Clare. Chris said he paid me for the hours I've worked so far and he also mentioned a bonus – so that means I have at least $300.

"I don't need money," I said in an abrupt tone. I felt bad for disrespecting her and almost yelling at her the second those words were out of my mouth though, so I apologized.

I tried to explain, "I…it's just that I'd like to be able to do those things for her. As…as part of her support system".

"I understand Eli, but you've also got a flight back to New York to think of," she replied.

"If…I don't have a job there anymore, then there's no reason for me to go back for the summer," I replied, my heart hurting.

I still needed to get all that figured out, and I was terrified at the thought of losing my job. If that job goes, my scholarship goes, and if my scholarship goes, NYU goes, and adios to everything that I planned with Clare while I….do what exactly? I obviously only accepted NYU's offer, I turned down U of T so now I don't even have the option of staying home if I somehow need to. What am I going to do then? Just kick it around Toronto for a year? Unacceptable – I need to move forward with my life, not…be stuck. I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I never want to be stuck again, and I want to keep it.

"Eli, you're not losing your job," I heard Clare's mom sternly say.

"I…I have to talk to my parents about all of that, I'll give them a call now," I said quietly. "But first, I wanted to ask you if there's something you think Clare might need that I might miss. You're her mom, you might think of things that won't occur to me. Girl things. Like, Dr. Masterson said she doesn't have to wear the hospital robe anymore. I thought I'd get some pyjamas - what kind does she like? What size? Stuff like that," I explained, knowing that I'd be clueless on my own.

"Want me to come with you?" Clare's mom offered.

"No, you need to stay here just in case she wakes up. I think she'll be out cold for a while – she looked so exhausted – but just in case," I told her, because that was how I felt, but also because I knew that if she was going to come with me, she'd wanna pay. I want to do this for Clare myself.

"I can think of a few things you can buy her, yes, but more importantly than that, I wanted to talk to you about all the stress Clare is under at school, I was hoping you and I could strategize and come up with a plan together of how to mitigate that for her. You know that school, the way things work," she said, looking up at me full of hope.

"Clare is under stress at school?" I asked, not knowing it was so bad. I guess she was trying to make it not sound so bad in our conversations.

"Yes, a lot," her mom replied.

"Fill me in, and we'll definitely come up with a plan of attack," I said, sitting down in the seat next to Helen and on the other side of Glen.

XXXXXXXXXXXX **Bullfrog's POV**

"Oh kiddo, you should have called me sooner," I told my son as we walked down the main pathway of Eaton Centre mall together.

"My phone was dead, and then I was just so concerned about Clare I didn't think straight," my intelligent and completely head-over-heels boy replied to me as he gestured towards a LaSenza store.

"Um, is that where girls get pyjamas," he said, looking uncomfortable.

"Boy, that store is job for your mother –" I said, putting my hands up in a gesture of surrender. "I have no idea," I told him honestly.

"What do we do?" Eli asked, looking around nervously.

There was only one thing we could do, the way I saw things.

"Son, some things I'll never get right – no matter how much I try. So what we do kiddo, is….we call your mother," I said, declaring this one a victory for the girls.

Cece came quickly as it was close enough to her lunch hour, and within minutes she emerged out of the store with a black bag with pink polka dots on it.

"Just give Clare the things in here, and she'll be fine. Much better than a hospital robe," my wife said with a gentle smile on her face as she touched Eli's hair lovingly for a second as we all sat down on a bench outside the store.

I watched Eli squirm around uncomfortably until he finally asked, "Um, mom, you didn't get anything like….that would make her feel weird right? Like…all Playboy bunny style," he said, and I wanted so hard not to laugh – but it was impossible. He was so hilarious, without meaning to be so.

Cece handled the situation much better than me, and she shot me a 'control yourself' glare that I knew was going to mean trouble for me later on.

"No baby boy, I got her nice things," Cece replied. "I got her there pink satin shorts and a purple satin tank top and a thin robe for her to wrap around herself – it's good if she gets cold or hot quickly, like people do when they're sick. It's very smooth and silky, so she'll feel comfortable. And I did get her….underwear, but tell her it's from me. I don't think…I don't think you and Clare are quite there yet, at the stage where you can…buy her these things," she gingerly said, tip toeing on rough waters.

"Um, thanks," was all Eli chose to say in response.

"Eli," I told him, because I had my suspicious about a night that he spent away. "You made sure she was all right, on prom night, right?" I asked him.

"Of course," he said, looking right into my eyes. Good. He remembers what I told him then.

"At first I thought…." He stumbled, "that she was feeling ill because of…something I may have done..." he hesitated.

"If you were safe and if you were careful with her and listened to her signals, there's no way you could have caused her any harm," I reassured him.

"I know…I know it wasn't because of that. I just didn't know what was wrong with her, so…I was…I was scared," he said, learning more into me and away from his mom.

"It's okay kiddo," I told him as I gave him a side hug, "she'll be all right. You didn't hurt her," I clarified. "What…what did she say, about your first night I mean," I asked him.

"She said it was perfect," Eli told me, staring down at the ground.

"Then good. That's good. Don't worry. I trust that you know how to read her," I told him.

"I do," he said, sounding very sure of himself.

"And dad," he then added, "About NYU…I don't know what to do," he repeated, and I had barely had enough time to process that entire situation as Eli only brought me up to speed about half an hour ago.

"Eli…the thought of your entire future crumbling before your eyes breaks my heart," I told him, knowing that I had to share this with him.

"How am I supposed to just leave? Even if I do, there's no way I'll get there and be in any shape to work – I'll just think about what I'm missing with her in Toronto the whole time. Is she feeling okay? Is she resting? Is she eating? Is something or someone bothering her?" he finished.

"I know, but kiddo…I don't have the money to pay for your first year. I could sell my Mustang, but even that –" I began.

"There is no way you are selling that car, dad. It completely defines you, I won't allow it," he said stubbornly.

"I think you should call the university and try to explain," Cece intervened.

"I will, but you heard what Chris said about how it goes to lawyers now because it's a money contract, not to profs anymore," Eli mentioned.

"Eli, let me tell you something that your mother and I have never told you before," I said, looking over at my wife. Her sad smile and nod was the permission that I was asking her for with this first sentence.

"What?" he asked, looking puzzled.

"Have you ever wondered why…" I hesitated. "Why you are an only child, why you don't have a brother or sister," I finished.

"I just always figured I was so much damn work – from when I was a little kid – that you and mom said hell no, no more of this," he said, and as funny as that was, it hurt me a little that he thought like that.

"Well, you really were a little brat," I chuckled, choosing humour to lighten the mood a bit. "But no, Eli, you were wonderful. Before you came along, there was no way that I thought I could ever possibly love your mom more," I confessed, reaching for my wife's hand and being rewarded with her soft hand in mine.

"But once we had you, it was like…I remember the first time your mom held you and looked at me – she looked at me different, like the two of us had a secret that no one else would ever be privy too. Of course we wanted to give you a sibling, I really wanted a little girl, actually," I told him, and I notice that he was transfixed by my story.

"And we tried-" I began, before Eli grimaced, just on time like I thought he would.

"You can skip over the details of that part of the story," he said, looking completely disgusted.

"We tried," I repeated in a serious tone, and Eli stopped fooling around when he heard my tone. "But then one day your mom got sick. Really sick – really quickly. By the time I left our apartment in the morning to the time that she called me in the afternoon she was yellow. Yellow, Eli, and sweating profusely and writing in pain. I have never seen a sight that has scared me more than that – the love of my life being one step away from death," I explained as I felt Cece cuddle into me. No matter how much time went by, this memory was still one of the most painful of her life, and I was making her relive it. But dammit, it was important that Eli knew this. He was old enough now, and he's always been mature for his age.

"Your mom had a ruptured ovarian cyst, Eli. It's something that happens to women sometimes, women who are sexually active. The surgery was long and complicated, and I remember sitting on the side of her bed as she writhed in inexplicable pain for hours until the doctors could finally get her in. It stands along side your car crash as the single worst moment of my life. I thought I was going to lose her, my young, beautiful, perfect bride," I finished, my voice almost breaking as I saw Eli urgently look at his mom and take her hand too.

"She was fine, obviously," I said, cutting the story short when I saw how much it affected Eli, "but what I'm trying to say is that…I understand. I understand the nightmare that you just lived through waiting for Clare's surgery. I'm telling you to fight and not lose your NYU plan, but…I understand that you need some days. Some time to figure it all out. I just hope that job is still there for you when you do figure it out," I finished.

"Thanks dad. I…she's where I need to be right now," Eli said emotionally.

"I know kiddo. I know. Just keep me posted. Cece and I would come to the hospital with you, but we don't want to tire out Clarebelle – just tell her we'll be ready whenever she has more strength and wants to see us," I told Eli. "We'll drive you over there with all this stuff though," I finished, wanting to help Eli out as much as I could.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX **Clare's POV**

"I'll just pretend to be asleep when he comes," I giggled to my mom.

"That's not a bad idea, he'd be so devastated if he weren't here when you woke up this second time. He went and bought all this stuff like a mad shopaholic," my mom said, gesturing at a pile of bags in the corner of the room, "and now he's off doing some other stuff to help you that I'll let him explain himself," my mom added, clutching the coffee that Glenn brought her in a few minutes ago.

"I can't believe he said all that stuff in the church," I said thoughtfully.

"Clare…I know I may have had my doubts about Eli, and some things that you and him do you know I will never approve of and support, but…I think for now he's all right. He's…he's a good example of a boy who cares for his girlfriend and who treats you well. I guess what I'm trying to say is…make sure you and him never lose your friendship, because that's what makes your relationship so beautiful. I never quite had that with your dad, no matter how much I tried. I guess what I'm also trying to say is….you can make plans with Eli for now. I approve," my mom said, and that really impacted me.

"Yes? Really?" I asked emotionally as my mom nodded me. I…I needed this. I always told myself I didn't care what she thinks, but this…this makes me feel so much better. It makes me feel so much less stressed.

"Yes," she confirmed one final time with a nod.

"What is he doing now?" I asked, impatient to see him.

"I said I'll let him tell you," my mom answered with a smile. "And I'll put these flowers that Alli and Jenna dropped off in a vase for you," she added.

"I can't believe I missed them coming, you should have woken me up mom," I said in a reproachful tone.

"There will be plenty of chances to see them later sweetheart," my mom strictly.

"Uh oh, I think I hear him coming," she then whispered, and her conspiracy-theory-like manner made me want to giggle so much, but instead I raised my blanket and pretended to be fast asleep.

"Hello Eli," I then heard my mom pleasantly say, and I wondered just how she was managing to keep a poker face throughout all of this.

"Did I miss it? Did she wake up again?" I heard his voice ask as he shuffled…some plastic around?

"Fast asleep, look at her," I heard my mom reply, and I wanted so badly to call foul on the fact that with that reply, she turned the attention to me.

I managed to lie still there for about twenty or so more minutes until I snuggled around and opened my eyes. It worked – he fell for it right away.

"Oh Clare," he breathed as he jumped to my side.

"Hi, Eli," I said in my sweetest, most charming voice. "Mmmm I've missed you," I told him outright, choosing not to care that my mom was in the room as I requested, "Kiss," impatiently.

He smirked a slow, pleased smirk and obliged, leaning in to kiss my lips twice, slowly, teasingly slowly each time as his hands grazed my arms.

"I bet you did," he teased as he saw my breath hitch. He could be such a tease sometimes, and I both hated and loved him for it.

"Not fair," I whispered, knowing that he knew I'd be referring to the fact that he was teasing me like that in front of my mom when I couldn't kiss him with all the fervor I wanted to.

"I love you," I then heard him whisper right before he swept my bangs off my forehead and placed a gentle kiss there too.

"I got you a few things," Eli then said. "What can I get you first," he then scrambled, opening up all the bags that my mom had said he had gotten a few hours earlier.

"I have dinner in a fridge that Dr. Masterson let me use in the lunchroom where she eats – she approved everything I bought, said it's okay for you to eat. I have this blanket –" he said, pulling out a red flowery blanket that looked so soft, "and those pink roses over there are from me, and I downloaded new music onto your iPod, your mom got it for me, and I got you the new Atwood novel, and these magazines – um I didn't know which ones you'd like so I got them all, and then my mom helped me with this stuff, she got you pyjamas and um…" he faltered, "just like, pyjamas and stuff, but let me get dinner first, and then I'll, then I'll –" he said, going about a mile a minute.

"Eli, Eli," I interrupted him.

"Yes? No dinner? No dinner yet?" he asked.

"I just…I just want you to sit with me," I explained.

"Okay," he said softly.

"Um," he then said as he sat down, "I talked to Fiona," he continued, confusing me.

"Um, okay?" I asked.

"Sorry, I should explain better," he apologized, "I talked to Fiona and she talked to Drew – she's just got a way with him, she cuts through all his crap and gets him to do what she wants. He promised me he'd start pulling his weight in Student Council and do what is actually expected of him as President," he finished.

No way.

"Eli, you – you did that for me?" I asked, emotional to hear that. It would….it would save me so much time and make my life so much easier if Drew actually helped and not fought me.

"Clare, I would do anything for you, you know that," he replied, looking hurt at the possibility that I might even dare to think otherwise.

"I also," he began again, "your mom gave me your piece for the publishing competition. It was…so good, Clare. So good. I made a few suggestions and added the last five hundred words," he said. "Obviously they're just suggestions, but I know you were stressing about the deadline," he finished.

"What?" I asked him, feeling fully shocked now.

"Uh huh," he said with a nod.

"Thank you," I decided to reply, because I knew that his suggestions would be wonderful. I would normally want to do everything myself, but…his suggestions are actually important to me. Because like he always says…we're a team.

"So you're not…um mad, that I…that I did that?" he asked, looking a little afraid.

"No, Eli, I'm not mad. Thank you for helping me," I replied.

"Your mom, she said this wonderful thing to me, you know. She said that having someone help you doesn't mean that you failed – it just means you're not in it alone," he supplied.

"She's…she's right," I said, looking over at my mom with a smile.

I then heard her pipe up, "And that's my cue to leave for the night – security's going to throw me out in an hour anyway," she said. "I know you two want some privacy, some alone time, I'm not that blind," she added with a roll of her eyes.

"Thank you mom," I told her, "it's just that Eli has to leave again soon, I bet. I just want some one on one time with him, that's all," I explained.

"I understand sweetheart, and he's going to get you that dinner – right Eli? She'll eat with you?" my mom asked as Eli assured her he'd get me dinner.

"Well, that sounds good then," she said as she picked up her purse and put on her jacket. She hugged me goodbye and just as she was about to walk out the door, I saw her hesitate for a moment. She walked back in, took just one step and said,

"Eli, Clare's tired and needs her rest, okay? Dinner, just dinner, nothing else," she added, and I hated what she just did.

"Mrs. Martin, can I….can I talk to you in the hall for a second?" he replied.

I could hear the entire conversation from my room.

XXXXXXXXXXXX **Eli's POV**

I'm pretty sure I've been talking without taking a breath for the last ten minutes, but this was getting ridiculous, I had to explain.

"….so I assure you, I'm not out to use Clare for selfish pleasures whenever I may feel like it, and certainly not when she's in a hospital," I finished, determined.

"I know that Eli, but I'm her mother. I was just trying to tell you to make sure she goes to bed after one hour, I didn't mean anything like that. I certainly gave you more credit," Clare's mom replied.

"Oh, um, er- sorry. I just…I don't want you to think I'm this bad guy," I confessed.

"I know you're not. Which is why I'm leaving you in charge of Clare and of her dinner. Take good care of her now for me," she said, ending with a smile.

"I will," I assured her.

**XXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

"Did I fall asleep?" I asked, feeling suddenly confused as I looked around. The lights were set on dim, and…Eli had set up an elegant tray table with a very nice meal covered by transparent domes. He even had a few candles going – or almost candles; I guess the hospital wouldn't allow real candles, so he used the ones with a light instead of a flame. He even had a little tablecloth over the tray table. He had thought of everything. I saw that I was wearing the pink satin pyjamas Cece had bought me – I do remember changing into them.

"Shh, shh Clare, don't get up too fast," Eli said, rushing to my side and helping me stand up a little.

"So beautiful," he said as he touched my chin and looked up at me.

"I feel so gross right now," I said, ashamed that he had to see me like this. I really badly wanted my perfume at least; I was all gross from being sweaty while I slept; I know I was.

"No, no," Eli said softly, his voice as gentle as I have ever heard it. "You're so beautiful," he repeated, sitting down on the side of my bed and leaning over to kiss my lips. His kiss started slow, gentle, but the absence of any parents made both us up speed up as our breaths became short and needy, urgent and passionate.

"Oh, I love you, I love you," he got out in an overwhelmed tone of voice as I raised my head to meet his kiss more directly.

"Oh God, me too," I said in between breaths, softly moaning when I felt his touch on my hip.

"Am I hurting you?" he asked.

"No, God no, no, don't stop kissing me," I pleaded with him, and he obliged happily, kissing me softly and guiding my breathing back to normal as his hand wandered higher and higher over top of my robe.

"E-Eli," I sighed happily, completely consumed by the way he was making me feel. God, I loved him. I _loved_ him.

"I want to be in your arms, in your lap," I told him, knowing that I would need his help to move – I needed him to pull me in a bit.

"I won't hurt you if I move you?" he managed to get out in between urgent kisses.

"No, no," I replied as I felt a shiver cross his body.

He was very slow and careful as he cuddled me onto his lap, and that was what I wanted – to be wrapped in his embrace as his kisses moved to my neck.

"Oh my God," I moaned – all the urgency from before had disappeared, and now he was going so slowly, leaving a trail of butterfly kisses down my neck as I was too lost to reciprocate in any way. When he reached the base of my neck, I felt another cold shiver cross his body as he continued, my loose robe permitting him to prolong his trail of kisses along my collarbone and to my shoulder.

"E-Eli, Eli," I sighed, as I held onto him tightly.

"I love you," he whispered against my skin, kissing it slowly and with as much focus as if he was flying an airplane.

I interlaced the fingers of our left hand together as I called his name softly again, wanting him to look into my eyes, which he did at the very moment that I called his name. I then moved my fingers to his hair, pushing his bangs back and losing myself in a long kiss that I initiated.

"C-Clare," he said, almost shaking when it was over, "I-I should get you dinner," and I could tell that it took every ounce of strength that he had to pull himself away.

"Or…we could skip dinner," I told him, not wanting to eat right now.

His eyes opened up wide and it was a minute before he looked up again after hanging his head slightly and taking two deep breaths.

"We can't," he said resolutely, and he kissed my cheek gently. "Please, please….eat for me. You need your strength and rest. Not…other stuff," he said, looking as if he had just had a major fight with himself.

"I….Eli," I said, trying to think this through.

He said exactly what I needed to hear next, though.

"You're so beautiful," he sighed, hugging me ever so gently and placing a kiss at the corner of my mouth, "and you know I'd give anything to keep kissing you, to keep being with you," he said, "but what I want more than anything right now is that you eat. So you can get better and we can go on our date," he finished.

"I…I thought this was our date. You transformed the entire room into a fancy restaurant," I pointed out.

"No way, Edwards – what kind of guy do you think I am? This is so not the date – not yet. Here, have some dinner," he said, bringing the tray table over.

"Yum," I said, because it really did look great.

"Um, yea, I bought it, didn't make it. Figured you didn't need food poisoning on top of everything else – it's take out from that place you like down on Yonge," he explained.

"The Yellow Tail? My favourite," I said, surprised.

"Uh huh. Got you the pasta you like, and the Caesar salad and the breaksticks, and the ceviche appetizer, and here is your drink too, raspberry juice," he finished, setting everything down in front of me.

"Wow, I didn't even realize I was hungry until I saw all this stuff," I giggled.

"My point exactly," Eli replied with a confident smirk, unwrapping an elegant cloth napkin to reveal cutlery.

"Are you gonna cut my meat there for me too?" I asked sarcastically.

"No," he said, rolling his eyes. "Unless you want me to," he then added, second-guessing himself.

"I was just kidding, jeez," I giggled back at him. "But there is something else I want you to do," I told him.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Come up here with me," I said, patting the bed.

"I…Clare…I don't want to hurt you, there's not a lot of room, you just rest and eat sweetheart," he replied.

"Eli," I said, in a soft, seductive tone, "You're not gonna…just hold me?" I asked him, making sure my robe was just falling off my left shoulder.

He caught the action of the robe right away, and it left him debilitated for a few seconds, as he responded to me with a short delay and only after he had gulped a little. His voice was dry when he finally spoke.

"Um, I really want to," was all he said.

"Then come on," I told him, and he stepped up slowly, gently placing me first on his lap, and then I lowered myself so that I was sitting between his legs and I could lean back on his chest as I ate.

"So good," I declared it at once. "You're not hungry? Where's yours?" I asked him, the thought just occurring to me.

"I already ate," he replied.

"Mmm, try this," I told him, reaching a little behind and placing a piece of tortellini in his mouth. "So yummy," I said, and I continued to feed him bites as I progressed through the dinner. We alternated bites and kisses, really, as every so often Eli would be kissing my neck from behind and all the way up and down my shoulder, making me squirm in pleasure and giggles.

When I was finally finished, he even pulled out my favourite dessert from that restaurant – chocolate covered strawberries; he had brought three.

"Now these we _definitely_ have to share," I said with a smile as I took a bite of one then held the rest out to him.

"That's got to be the best thing on Earth," I said after my second one, turning around to face him now that he removed the tray table.

"I can think of _a few_ better things," he replied with a smirk as he cuddled me into his embrace and gently ran his hand up and down my side, stopping at my waist. "Like…holding _you_…_that _has got to be the best thing on Earth," he supplied.

"Really?" I giggled into our embrace, burrowing my face in his neck and inhaling happily. I loved that.

"Yep. Best thing on Earth right here, in my arms," he said, pushing my bangs back and kissing the corner of my mouth quickly.

"Last one?" he asked, reaching over to the table where he had left the strawberries and grabbing the last one.

"Uh huh," I nodded as I cuddled deeper into his embrace as I felt him adjust the blanket around our bodies.

He held it as I bit into it, making sure to take a bite that would make sure there was still some left for him too. He finished it up and I smiled as I looked up at him looking down on me with so much love.

"I'm so glad you're here," I told him as I lightly massaged his chest. "No more crying over me, okay?" I asked, touching the corner of his eyes.

"Clare…I will _always_ worry for your safety, and…you have to let me. If you don't let me…we don't have a chance," he said, in the confines of the quiet, dimly lit room and I could sense that this was a huge step for us.

This is one of the times that…I feel like he's lying here right in front of me, opening his fault. _Full access. Full disclosure_.

"I…I understand," I told him, and the way his eyes shined when he heard that told me that my answer meant the world to him.

"I love you, Eli," I added as I moved my arm to his biceps.

"I love you too," he said, kissing my neck and making me shiver at once – I think he had clued in to the fact that I was completely defenseless when he did that, and he loved doing it. He caressed my legs with his hands gently, stopping at the line of my shorts before he advanced to my waist, skipping over a little, and his smooth motions combined with the way he had now advanced to kissing my lips were making my entire skin feel like it was burning.

"Oh, Eli," I sighed emotionally as I leaned my head back, wanting him to move to my neck again, which he did immediately. The way he was gently stroking my skin through the thing fabric of the tank top made me hug him tighter as I felt my breath increase rapidly, feeling lost in his embrace.

"C-Clare, I love you so much," he breathed as I felt his touch skip over the area of my surgery, at which point he stopped his kisses and looked me right in the eyes.

"You're _so_ beautiful," he said directly, even when I felt like…like I was _not_.

I did not feel that ugly part of me was beautiful at all, but as he leaned in to kiss my lips as if I was the only thing that existed on the Earth tonight, he…he managed to make me feel beautiful again. The way he was breathing shallowly as he pulled away for breath, the way he moved my tank top straps aside in order to caress my entire shoulder area with his kisses before respectfully placing them back…it was making me forget that I was sweaty and uncomfortable as I slept in this same bed.

The way he was cradling me in his embrace and holding my entire body with so much care made me think of nothing but of how happy I was to have him here. He was kissing my ear and whispering sweet nothings in it when I decided to voice my request to him.

"Eli…._stay_," I whispered, putting my hands in his hair.

"I'm not going anywhere," he replied, caressing my side carefully.

"I mean tonight," I whispered, now stroking his arm with one of my hands.

I saw him hang his head back and exhale deeply, his entire body overcome with goosebumps.

"Why do you have goosebumps?" I asked him.

"Do you have any idea what the effect of holding you in my arms as you whisper 'Stay' is?" he said, laughing a little at the end of his sentence.

"I have goosebumps because I'm trying to get a grip on myself, and you're so beautiful and sexy that I'm a mess," he explained as he interlaced his fingers with mine.

"Clare," he then said after he kissed my cheek, "if I stayed tonight…to hold you….to sleep," he specified, widening his eyes as if to clarify, "security would toss me out," he said. "You're not allowed overnight visitors, Dr. Masterson said they'd tire you out," he shrugged.

"Only you can tire me out," I said with a wink, and I swear that his eyes almost doubled their size when I said that. "And we wouldn't be doing _that_ silly," I teased, running my finger down from his collarbone to his belt buckle.

When he adjusted himself immediately after my touch and shivered and exhaled, I regretted pushing him a little too far in our game – he hid his face from me as he exhaled again.

"I can't even handle how beautiful and sexy you are," he breathed, calming down a little in our embrace.

"So why don't you stay?" I suggested.

"I….we really can't, I hope you know, I…I don't have…a…I didn't bring any…I don't have anything," he said, still trembling a little and fidgeting.

"I know," I told him with a smile. "And I know that you know that…I don't really want to, not right now," I added.

"See, I knew that," he said, but he was not angry or frustrated – he just reached for my hand again and kissed it.

"We can ask Dr. Masterson to make an exception, to let you hold me tonight, to let me feel you – we could tell her how it makes my stress melt away," I told him.

"It does what?" Eli asked, his fingers gently caressing my curls.

"I just…when you're here, I don't feel so stressed," I said, burying my head in his neck again and inhaling as I placed a kiss on his neck.

"Really?" he asked, and I could tell that he was proud about that.

"Let's tell her," I pleaded, shooting him my sweetest smile, my most longing look – and he was done for.

Moments later, Dr. Masterson was standing in my room and Eli had reverted back to a chair while we pleaded our case.

"Okay," Dr. Masterson said, just like that. I thought it would take a lot more work than _that_.

"Tonight I can make a special exception because I'm on duty, so I'm just in the room at the end of the hall, and I'll be patrolling the hallway as I check on my patients. Security will be fine with it as long as I'm here. Eli can stay with you tonight, that's fine, Clare, especially if you say it helps your stress. I know he can't be here forever because of NYU, so it's okay if he stays tonight," she said with a smile.

"Call the button on the side of your bed if you need anything," she added before she left.

"I'm so glad you can stay," I sighed as he climbed back into bed, snuggling me into his side and turning me the way I liked to sleep, my bandages not touching the bed.

"Is that good? You comfortable that way?" he asked, kissing my nose as I squirmed.

"It's perfect. Better than perfect," I sighed as I felt him kiss my curls and them my temple. His scent was everywhere, surrounding me as his arms encircled me and gave me all the support I needed right now.

"Better than perfect," I said with a yawn that Eli mirrored as he gently caressed my side and kissed my temple again.

"This," I said, placing my arm on his chest as he pulled up the covers to keep me warm, "This is…heavenly," I sighed blissfully, finally finding the correct adjective to describe it.

I also heard Eli sigh happily as I felt him looking for my hand under the cover until he found it and interlaced our fingers, and rested our joined hands just above his heart for the night. He kissed my temple one more time before he whispered, "My idea of heaven exactly". He then cuddled me deeper into the protective, warm crevice of his body as my eyelids closed as I lied in his embrace, wanting to never leave it.

XXXXXXXXXXX

**Please leave me a review telling me what you liked, what you think of how things are unfolding, predictions or what you want to see! Thank you so much for reading!**


	5. I'll Be the Rock You Can Lean On

**Here is the next chapter – please leave me a review as I write this only to see what you have to think about what happens! I love it so much when you leave me reviews that tell me what you thought about each major development in the story!**

**Oh, important notice: I think this chapters borders on the line between T and M. It's definitely not intense M, not really my style, but it has some swearing and….private moments (but not prom night private!) so please be advised.**

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

"No, no, _NO_," I whined painfully as I felt by body twitching. I felt Eli's protective arm around me and his other hand holding mine as we slept, but as I thrashed around in an intense moment of pain, I slipped my hand out of his and moved out of his embrace.

I opened my eyes to a very dark room, the only source of light coming from the monitor next to my bed that currently wasn't actually monitoring anything as I was not connected to it. There was also a bright horizontal ray of light slipping in through the door.

"Oh my God," I sighed as I tried to calm my breath a little. That was such a bad nightmare; a foggy, confusing, messy blur of images of doctors and…more chemotherapy. I hated the chemotherapy and I knew that I'd have to go back to it tomorrow because Dr. Masterson had said so. She had said that I couldn't be released yet, but I was really hoping that after tomorrow I could go home.

"Okay," I whispered to myself as I looked around. I was _so _sweaty; it was _so gross_. The beautiful pyjamas Cece had gotten me were of a luxurious purple silk, but it absorbed sweat like crazy and you could actually see the streaks of sweat embedded into the smooth fabric. I also felt the back of my head practically drip with sweat.

And the worst part of it all was that I hit myself somehow in the area of my back that had been operated and now it was pulsing in pain.

I then turned my head a little to look at Eli….and my heart slowly was breaking at the sight of him. His now empty hand was still in the shape of holding mine, just sitting there frozen like that, and it provoked a strange feeling in me. It made me feel unsettled…the way he had held the same position in his sleep, the hand that had been protectively holding onto my back in order to keep my position as I slept so that my back wouldn't make contact with the side of the bed and hurt me.

It was so obvious that he was completely and totally _spent –_ he was at the limits of human exhaustion, but he would not let go of that embrace even then. He was sleeping with his mouth partially open and breathing through his mouth as opposed to through his nose, long and deep breaths as his body struggled to get the necessary rest in what I now realized was a stiff and uncomfortable position for him. But why was he _so_ tired, I thought to myself, before I realized that….he probably hadn't slept more than the three and a half hours that my mom said he had slept at our house when she brought him home because they didn't want to scare his parents – apparently he had left in such a rush that he didn't even tell them he was coming home and by the time he got here, it was so late that showing up at their house door would have caused them a big fright.

Three and a half hours in almost three days now – _oh no_, I thought painfully, _my poor, sweet Eli_, I thought. All of this has affected him too, I can tell, but he's being strong for me. I can't wake him up and be comforted by him right now, I thought as I listened to his deep breaths. I pushed back his bangs lovingly, feeling his cool skin against my palm, and resisted the deep desire to kiss him. That would have certainly woken him up.

I would just have to deal with this on my own. The sharp pain will go away, I thought to myself, as I hated the gross and sticky layer of sweat that covered my entire body.

"Ow," I whined as I closed my eyes.

I then felt the bed slightly shift and heard an exhausted, "Clare, Clare," as Eli's body moved but his eyes didn't open.

When I saw his hand try to squeeze my hand – and it wasn't right there, he shot up at once with big wide eyes and I couldn't just believe what I saw. It must have taken such a superhuman effort to go from the pure state of exhaustion that he had just been in to…shooting up straight at the worry of not being able to feel me,

When he saw that I was just sitting up a little, he placed his arm protectively around mine and gave my shoulder a squeeze with half-open eyes.

When he spoke, his voice was so, so hoarse – probably from all the air that he had been pulling into this body, sleeping with his mouth open.

"Baby," he whispered in my ear, and he had never called me that before, but in this private moment, it just…felt right.

"What's wrong sweetheart, what's wrong," he whispered as he gently patted my curls and kissed my temple. He found my hand finally, took it in his own and kissed it before pulling it onto his lap.

"Tell me," he added, rubbing his eyes and trying to tame his wild hair.

"Nothing," I said as I cuddled in close to him.

"Please," he then whispered, moving his hand on top of my hair and laying a gentle kiss on my shoulder before repeating again, "Please, please tell me," and his soft, gentle, sleepy mannerisms were breaking my heart.

"I just had a bad dream thinking of the fact that I have to do chemotherapy again," I sighed as I felt him cuddle me in even closer to him and give me another squeeze.

"I know you hate it," he said sympathetically as he moved both of his hands to cradle my face. I could tell that he was trying to open his eyes all the way, but he was slowly blinking and I was almost afraid for him. He was at the human limits of exhaustion, I could tell, and I thought I should get him back to sleeping soon or he might pass out.

"But I promise you," he continued, "I will be right there every step of the way. We have to do it, it helps you in the end," he argued as he moved one hand back to find mine again. "We can get through anything if we just stay calm and work together," he said soothingly as his fingers caressed mine.

"Okay," I said, unconvinced.

"Come here," he then whispered, guiding me back down to the bed and arranging me in our previous position where I was practically half sleeping on him, my head on his chest as his arm wrapped around me. He kissed the top of my head and exhaled deeply before he added, "I love you so much," in a dreamy voice.

"I know," I replied, irritated with him and not even being sure why, so I refused to give him back the proper answer to that question.

I wanted him to tell me to screw chemotherapy, to pull that characteristic bravado of his and say 'screw the rules and let's make our own,' but here he was being Dr. Masterson's biggest ally, and that made me angry to no end.

I even shifted out of his embrace in anger, and that made him open his eyes again.

"Clare, what's wrong," he then whispered again.

"All _you want_ is to go back to sleep," I muttered angrily.

"What?" he said, blinking slowly again and this time I could tell that he became more awake as he rubbed his again and sat up as I remained lying down.

"One second, sorry, love," he then apologized as I heard him get off the bed, and before he left he readjusted the covers around me like I was a child, an action that really got my blood boiling, so I tossed the covers away the minute I heard the water turn on.

He came back soon and I could tell that he had washed his face.

"Clare, I'm sorry," he then repeated as he crawled back into bed.

"Please tell me what you want me to do," Eli then whispered, looking confused as to why the cover was all bunched up again. "I'll do whatever you want, just tell me what it is," he pleaded as he fixed the covers again, and I could tell that he was questioning whether he had done it in the first place.

"Nothing," I muttered, angrily that he couldn't tell that I hated being here.

"I can't magically guess what you're thinking if you don't tell me, and I can't fix whatever is wrong if I don't even know what it is," he argued, knowing better than to dare touch me in this moment, although his motion to reach for my hand – one that he stopped early on – gave his intent away.

"Nothing," I repeated, wanting to turn away from him but knowing I couldn't.

"Please," he then begged, and something about the way he placed his head in his hands for a minute and sounded so…completely exhausted made me regret that I was being short with him.

This was not his fault. Here he was, asking me what he could do, and I was being mean with him.

"I…it hurts," I then confessed in a shaky voice.

"What?" he then said, opening his eyes as wide as possible now. I should have known that telling him that would have been the thing to knock him out of his sleepy daze.

"When I had the bad dream, I think I hit myself where I had my surgery, and now it hurts a little," I confessed.

"Let me call Dr. Masterson," he then said at once.

"No, it's just that I hit it," I explained. "It'll go away soon," I added.

"See, I knew shouldn't be sleeping in your bed, this is because of me – oh my God, did _I hit you_ somehow?" he asked in horror.

"No, Eli, no, you have no idea how much it helps me to have you sleep in my bed," I confessed, taking both of his hands in mine now and cuddling up close to him, burying my face in his neck and breathing deeply as I felt both of his arms wrap around me and create a Clare cocoon of warmth and love and protection – all the things that Eli was best at.

"I need to feel you," I whispered in our embrace, "so you have to be here," I explained. "And you didn't hit me, I moved in a weird way," I felt the need to explain.

"Come here baby," he then whispered as he kissed my lips gently and laid me down while his green eyes fixed intently on mine. He resumed our previous position and kissed me gently again.

"Focus on me, just on me," he whispered with a slight shiver as he continued kissing me slowly, as if we had all the time in the world and as if I was the only girl in the world.

"Mmm," I moaned slightly as I felt him smirk in smug satisfaction. He continued kissing me down the side of my neck as he reached for my hand and intertwined our fingers.

He kissed my shoulder gently and then his hand moved down the side of my body, not hesitating once when I knew that my skin there was so sweaty that there's no way that he didn't feel it.

His kisses then continued over my tank top, and when his hand squeezed my hip bone lovingly, he gently turned me around a little so that he could now caress my back.

I felt him lift the tank top of my pyjamas and when his kisses moved to my lower back, I shivered in pleasure.

"E-Eli," I moaned, longing for a kiss on my lips now.

"Shh, shh," I felt him whisper right against my skin as he gently kissed the area all around my bandages. "No more pain," he whispered as he caressed it with his fingers before kissing my entire back as I shivered in pleasure.

"Mmm, Eli, Eli," I called to him, wanting him to kiss my lips now. "Come here," I whispered, and he got my message and gently turned me around in his embrace and obliged.

"I love you," he whispered as he squeezed me gently and placed a kiss on my neck after.

"I love you too," I said, giving him what I knew he wanted, and smiling at him cheekily because I think he realized that I had cheated him out of that reply earlier.

His smug smirk let me know that yes, he had caught on, and that he was pretty pleased with himself at being able to take my mind off the pain that I now no longer felt.

"Mmm," I softly whispered against his skin, "See, this is why I need you here," I teased him as I brushed his bangs back and he held me up a little in our embrace on the bed.

"Feeling any better?" he asked, his fingers gently grazing my arm.

"Uh huh," I nodded, "the pain is gone," I told him.

"Hmmm I must have magic kisses," he then gasped in pretend surprise, looking very pleased with himself all over again.

"So then can I not do the chemotherapy and just spend all day being kissed by you…all over?" I teased him back.

"Edwards, nothing would make me happier than that – but no deal," he then replied. "No reason we can't do both," he then added in a husky voice as he moved even closer to me, his chest pressed up against mine just in time to feel my entire body shiver.

When he let out a pleased giggle, I knew that he was even happier with himself.

"I love you,' he repeated, placing a kiss on my lips quickly, "But I'm dying here, I'm so tired. It's only 3am," he pointed out, looking over at his phone. "We gotta go back to sleep, please," he begged.

Eli then added, "Is there anything I can get you, though? Water? Anything?" he then asked.

"I…I-" I hesitated, feeling bad for not letting him go back to sleep when clearly he could drop dead from exhaustion any minute.

"Tell me," he pleaded with me as his eyes became half-closed.

"I really have to go to the washroom," I confessed.

"Of course," he said, not sounding at all irritated. "Your wish is my command, come on," he said, gesturing to get out also.

"I can do it," I reassured him, but he kissed me gently as he moved to the side of the bed.

Once there, he moved my hair behind my ear as he looked right into my eyes and placed either one of my legs over his hips and I instinctively embraced him, putting my arms on his shoulders and hanging on.

I felt him get off the bed in a smooth motion, one of his arms moving to my back once we were off the bed, and the other holding me up as he cheekily moved it around a little, getting a giggle out of me.

"Heehee Eli, _stop_," I said playfully as he carried me across the room, crossing over the threshold to the bathroom.

"_You_ stop," he teased right back, probably in response to the kisses that I was placing on his shoulder as he carried me.

"Heeheee," was all I could get out as he gently lowered me onto the toilet seat.

"Um, you can go now," I told him.

"You okay? I can help you take off the shorts," he said, not looking at all uncomfortable.

"Eli, no," I said rolling my eyes. "Get out," I told him strictly, regretting my harsh tone after.

I finished quickly and I felt him come in impatiently right after he heard the flush.

He came up to me and placed his hand on my lower back as I just looked at him.

I could tell that he was upset that had yelled at him, maybe even thinking he had done something wrong by the way he was looking at me.

I knew that I needed to reward him somehow, make him feel better, so I kissed him gently and nodded in response to his raised eyebrow. He then did what I gave him silent permission for; he lifted me up gently into his arms again and raised me onto the counter with the sink as I reached my hands into it.

Eli brought the soap container closer to me and I washed my hands quickly, drying them on the towel that he handed me.

I then smiled at him and reached my arms out for his shoulders. He then lifted me up ever so gently, being careful to not touch the area with the bandages as his warm breath exhaled onto the side of my face.

I felt him reach for something and I wondered why he was bringing a washcloth to bed with us, but I let that thought go and just enjoyed his warm embrace as he slowly carried me back to bed.

I could feel his heart jumping through his shirt as he in one moment let out an exhausted sigh and I just registered that in his state of total drain, he even carried me like this without as much as one clue that what he really wanted to do was be back in bed.

I thought back to all those shows I had seen in which husbands never help women out at night with babies, or they just play video games while the wives are expected to do all the work, and I instantly thought that the boy who was holding me up right now – in every sense of the word – was so, _so _different. I knew that even on his last breath, Eli would always be thinking of…me.

"I love you," I then sighed emotionally as all those thoughts were running through my head.

"I love you too, Clare," Eli replied at once, not refusing me that answer like I had done to him earlier.

We came to the edge of the bed and he gently laid me down, winking full of confidence at me as he snugged in next to me and sat up a little. He pulled me in so that my head was lying on his chest as he drew his knees up and reached for the small white towel he had brought with him.

"I want to make you feel a little better," he whispered as he reached and pulled all my hair to one side.

He then gently drew the soft towel underneath my hair and all around my neck, and I blushed.

"I'm so sorry, it's so gross, I'm so sweaty," I said as I felt my blush get deeper.

"Clare, look at me," he then replied, placing his finger underneath my chin and drawing my head up so I did as he asked.

Eli then kissed my lips softly before he said, "Nothing to do with you – nothing associated with you, the girl I love more than anything in the world, can ever be gross. _Nothing_," he repeated, sounding full of conviction.

I then blushed even deeper, but this time because I felt so…loved.

"And the only reason I'm doing this," he continued, "is because I know you're not comfortable, and this way you'll feel better," he argued. I put my hands in his black hair and kissed him back as he continued his gentle movements.

He was right too – as soon as he finished the area around my neck, I _did _feel a lot better – cooler and less…just less gross.

As if to prove his point that he wasn't at all repulsed by this, he kissed me all along my clavicle before gently wiping that area with the cloth, and he soon headed south, burying his kisses in my cleavage as he pulled down on my tank top.

I let him enjoy that for a few seconds before I held onto his hair and pulled him away playfully.

"Aw," he shot at me with a pleased smirk and smug smile.

"Bad Eli," I teased him, pouting my lips at him in a way that I had learned he couldn't resist – and sure enough, he kissed me right away, silencing my playful protest.

"I will have to –" he whispered huskily, "touch you there," he said, teasing me as I felt the while towel cool the skin on my stomach.

"Or I could just do this myself," I pointed out, only to be met with a very dejected face on his part.

"But," I then whispered, kissing him again, "I want you to do it," I pointed out with a giggle.

"Your wish is my command milady," he said in a gallant tone, but he kept his eyes on me the entire time that I felt the white towel wipe away the moisture from my chest.

He had raised the bottom of the tank top yet kept me fully covered higher up as he gently touched me, getting rid of the particles of sweat that made me so uncomfortable. I was felt wondering how such an act – a nurse's duty, really, - could feel so chaste but yet so incredibly intimate at the same time.

"Eli," I sighed contentedly as he continued and I held onto him as if he were an anchor, which in many ways to me he was.

"Does it make you feel better," he asked as he raised me off the bed a little and continued down my back.

"_So_ much better," I said with a little moan as I felt him kiss me as he continued.

He finished my legs and I liked that he skipped over the area of my shorts completely, just taking a minute to straighten them and look in eyes as he whispered, "I think you're okay there," and I nodded, so glad that Eli could always read what I wanted in any given moment.

I noticed that he always took a minute to look at me before doing anything, and I could just tell that…he really cared for me when he did that.

"Thank you," I told him once he finished and got up to drop the cloth in the laundry basket in the bathroom.

"Anything for you, my love," he said with a gallant bow, playing around.

"Hurry up and come back to bed," I told him with a smile.

"Okay, okay," he said with a chuckle as he slid over to the bathroom in one fell swoop and returned, still chuckling.

"Clare Edwards telling me to come back to bed," he was still chuckling, "Who would have thought?" he said with a smirk as he settled in next to me and drew in a deep breath.

"Sleep now," he said, pulling me in and kissing my forehead.

"You too," I told him. "You're _so _exhausted," I pointed out.

"No, I'm not," Eli shot at once, just as I had expected. "Clare, if you wake up again, wake me up too," he then began saying, but he was interrupted by the light from his phone.

"Who is texting you now?" I asked.

"End of the production day, I bet it's my boss," he replied.

"What?" I gasped. "So late?" I added.

"It's normal," I heard him reply, and I saw how worried he looked at the sight of the text.

The text just said _Last call, Eli._

I saw Eli text back quickly, "Thanks for letting me know. I can't. I'm so sorry. Thank you for everything," and he quickly put his phone away.

"Eli, what was that about," I asked him.

"I….I just have a few work things to figure out, that's all," he said with a smile as he pulled me in closer.

"But everything's okay, right?" I asked him, worried that perhaps his boss was mad with him taking so much time off so he could be here with me.

"I…Clare, I quit my job," he then said, and I couldn't believe that.

"What!" I yelled at him. "But you need that job, for NYU, for the scholarship," I told him.

"What I _need," _he said as he kissed my lips calmly, "is to be here with you. Screw that job. Do you really think I could focus there with you in here? You are what matters, Clare. You are what matters. There will be other opportunities," he said, as he kissed me again.

"But Eli," I tried again, but I realized that…I _couldn't_. I was happy he was here. I was not mad.

"Are you mad?" he asked.

"No," I told him. "I just…" I tried to find the right words.

"Don't worry about. NYU. I'll figure that out. That's stuff's easy. At the end of the day nothing matters to me more than your health. And besides, I didn't really like that job," he said, "Got sick of having to go on smoothie runs. He can find someone else to do that," Eli said with a roll of his eyes, but I knew that he was just saying that.

"Eli," I sighed emotionally, "Thank you. For what you did. This is huge," I told him.

"No, it's not. You are what matters," he then repeated as he kissed my forehead. "Right now you're where I need to be. Screw the movie," he then said again.

"Eli….there's something I want to tell you," I then began, playing with the collar of his shirt.

"Shoot," he said playfully as he moved me a little so he could look right into my eyes.

"I know," I began, "I know that the doctors say that the prognosis is good, but…in case that they're wrong and something does happen and I di-" I began, but Eli cut me off right then and there.

"No," he said powerfully, more intensely than I have ever heard him say anything else before – and the two of us had shared some rather intense moments together.

"That's not gonna happen," he said, squeezing me tightly and kissing my forehead. "I won't let it," he added, looking right into my eyes.

"I just…I need to know that you'll be okay," I said in a shaky voice. "I need you to promise me that you'll be okay if that happens. That….you'll be okay, that you'll move on and make a great life for yourself," I said, tears now in my eyes.

"No!" Eli said, bursting in tears of his own. "_I won't be, okay? I won't_! And I'm not going to promise you that!" he said, sobbing. In just one second, he had gone from being perfectly calm to giving in to complete desperation.

I wanted to say something, but he continued, "I won't be! Because it's not going to happen, that's not how it's going to happen. I will fucking do whatever it takes, I will quit a thousand job ten times over and spend every penny I have, go to Switzerland if I have to find you the best doctor, I will bleed everything dry before I fucking let it come _close _to that," he said, and I had never heard him swear so much or look so determined.

"So don't you dare ask me that, don't you dare," he said as he gently kissed me, his face full of tears and his chest heaving.

"Eli," I sighed emotionally at what he was saying.

"I will live on the street if I have to, I will do anything anyone wants, legal or not legal, but I will always, _always_ make sure it doesn't even come _close_ to that," he repeated, kissing me deeply again.

"Eli," I repeated against his lips.

"So stop talking about that," he said, taking a deep breath and calming down a little, "because that's not how this is going to go. The surgery went well. We'll do the fucking chemotherapy for as long as it takes. Dr. Masterson with her Harvard med school and her 18 000 journal articles and 89 books that she's published will do her thing, and you'll be out of here and with me in New York soon enough," he said, his hands in a fist.

"So don't you dare ask me to promise that, because I won't! I won't!" he said stubbornly. "That's not how it's going to go that's not how you are going to die," he said, choking on a sob in a violent way that shook the entire bed.

The way he said that last sentence though…it got me to ask,

"Then how am I gonna die?" in a gentle tone as I placed my hand on top of his chest, where I could feel his heartbeat. Oh God, it was going a mile a minute and with the tears, and the exhaustion and everything…I was so scared for him right now. I was scared he might have a heart attack or something, he was so….so….desperate.

"You," he then said, cupping my cheek. "You will die an old lady in her bed, like…like in _Titanic_," he said, tears gently flowing everywhere as he calmed down a little.

He kissed my hand before he continued, "You know, with all the pictures from your globetrotting reporter days on your bedside, all the pictures of you flying in a plane in Europe and riding horses and with all your kids and grandkids there, saying goodbye after a lifetime of memories together. That's how you will die. Not here. Not now. Not like this. You will die an old lady in her bed, surrounded by all the ones who love you," he said, shaking so hard that he was shaking the entire bed.

"Oh Eli," I said emotionally as I wiped a tear away from his face. "And where will you be?" I asked, curious.

"I won't be there, you see," he explained, but I didn't like the sound of that.

"I would have already passed, I would have already died, just a little bit before that," he said, and I held his hand tighter when he said that.

"Why?" I asked, wanting him not to say that.

"Because that way I wouldn't have had to live _a single day_ without you. When the time comes Clare, when it comes," he said, full of tears again, "I insist that I be the one to go first," he said, and the very thought that he had been thinking of this before – as it was obvious – broke my heart.

I knew that there was only one answer I could give him. Look at him – if he keeps going like this, in this state, his wish will be coming true this very night. He'll die this very night – I really am scared for him; he's slept three and a half hours in what's coming up to three days now, and I don't think he's ever been in more stress than right now.

"Okay, Eli, okay. You can go first," I told him, hugging him as he pulled me in and kissed my hair.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"Now sleep," he said, "you've got to be well-rested for tomorrow," he argued.

"Eli…I'm still so sweaty," I said, lying.

"Want me to help you again?" he asked, wiping his tears away and switching into protector mode right away.

"I want your shirt, you sleep shirtless anyway," I pointed out.

"I think we can arrange that," he said, and we both sat up a little. "But you don't have to concoct a little plan every time you want it, Edwards, you can just ask for my shirt," he said with a wink, and I giggled at the fact that I'd been busted.

"Mmm, let _me_," he whispered as he reached behind me and in a smooth motion, he reached for the bottom of my tank top and slid it off, keeping his eyes on me the entire time, his warm hands just resting at my hips.

I felt his breath hitch and I smiled at him, giving him the silent permission that I knew he was asking for. He looked down and exhaled deeply before I reached for his hand and placed it on my chest, letting him caress me gently as he kissed my neck. I sighed in blissful perfection for a minute as I hid my face in his neck before I felt him stop.

When I hugged him, I knew why – his body had reacted _so, so _quickly.

I slid off his shirt quickly and put it on my own body as he was left clutching my tank top.

"Um, sorry," he awkwardly said. "I…sorry," he repeated again. "Just…um…I…sorry," he stumbled, a deep red blush forming on his face as he slightly trembled.

"You don't have to apologize," I told him, gently placing my hand down his chest and stopping at his belt buckle. "We _can_, you know," I whispered to him.

"No," he said, his whole body shivering. "We _can't_," he got out in a strained voice.

"I know you want to," I gently told him, "And…I led you on, I…did this," I whispered.

"No, you didn't, you did no such thing. I'm just so _freaking unhinged_ around you," he said, shaking.

"Come on," I said, not that it was exactly the first thing that I felt like doing right now.

"No," Eli said, breathing deeply. "I can tell you don't want to," he added.

"Why are you saying we can't?" I asked, curious.

"So many reasons," he replied, exhaling deeply again.

"Tell me," I asked him.

"I don't have…anything," he specified. "But the biggest reason is that you don't want to," he added.

"We _can_, you know," I told him.

"We're not, love, not like this. Only when _you_ want to," he said, kissing me slowly. "I'm sorry. It was just…you're so sexy, and it was just too much for me to handle in that moment. Um…that'll…it'll probably happen lots," he said apologetically. "But I'm okay now," he said, taking a deep breath.

"I'm just…tired," I said with a blush.

"Me too," Eli said with a reassuring smile.

"And there's no way I'd put that stress on your body right now," he then added, and I knew that that had really been his number one reason all along.

"Of course," he then whispered huskily, "I could make sure I make you happy without putting _any_ stress on your body," he continued as I giggled at wonderful prom night memories when he did the most incredible thing at my request, "But you're tired," he finished as he held me in close.

"_This_," he said, as he laid me down and we resumed our sleeping hug position, "_This_ is perfect. _Heavenly_," he said, as I giggled in response at his use of that word.

"I love you," I breathed as I settled onto his chest.

"I love you too, Clare," he breathed, exhaustion making his body all relaxed underneath mine. "Forever," he then whispered with a final kiss on my lips before we both drifted off.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Eli's POV**

"There, see, not so bad, all done now," I tried to tell my girl reassuringly as I held her hand as the nurse took out the drip line from her chest. I even tried to playfully glare down there, but the look Clare shot me was of pure…anger.

"How would _you_ know?" she then shot bitterly as she pulled her gown up and her mom cleared her throat.

"I…I don't," I stumbled. "Sorry," I then said, not sure what else to do.

"I wish I could make it better for you," I thought out loud.

"Well, you can't," she then continued, sounding just as angry as before. "So stop commenting on it for once, stop narrating everything," she said, raising her voice, and turning away from me on the bed.

"All right now," I heard her mom say in a bright voice.

"Where's Dr. Masterson," Clare then angrily shot at the nurse – her least favourite one, an Indian nurse that didn't take any nonsense. She had made Clare take off her pyjamas and my T-shirt and put on the hospital gown, which I think really contributed to Clare's irritability. She just seemed to have it in for that robe, and I had no idea why.

"She's just going off for her lunch break," the nurse replied.

"Well can you get her," Clare stubbornly shot at the nurse. "I need to talk to her," she added.

"The doctor can see you after she takes lunch," the nurse replied.

"No, now!" Clare yelled, in a very strange way.

"I'll…I'll go get her," I said, just catching a glimpse of Dr. Masterson walking outside in the hallway holding a salad and a soft drink.

"Dr. Masterson," I said, "I know you're going to have lunch, and I'm so sorry to interrupt you," I apologized, feeling like I was being very rude. "But…I think Clare's upset and she's asking for you," I explained.

"Sure thing, Eli," she said, shooting me a bright sunny smile as she followed me back into the room.

"How's my favorite patient today?" she asked, but the look on Clare's face told me right away she wasn't gonna have any of that.

"You probably say that to all your patients," she muttered.

"Oh Dear," Dr. Masterson then said, widening her eyes at the ground, and I could tell that she had caught on now.

"When can I go home?" Clare shot at her.

"I think maybe Sunday. Might be another day though," Dr. Masterson said with a frown.

"A week?!" Clare shouted, and I could tell that that was so not the answer she wanted to hear right now.

"Um, thanks Dr. Masterson," I piped in, sensing the need to break this up a little bit. "Have a nice lunch," I said, hinting for her to be on her way now.

"If you need anything, just call me," she said. "I'm taking my lunch into a doctors meeting, the nurse can come get me," she specified, shooting Clare another smile before she left. Clare didn't return it.

The air in the room was…very frosty, and I could feel it.

"Clare, what can I get you for lunch? I'll go out and get us some," I offered, grateful I still had $300 since my parents had been the one to foot the bill for all the things I bought her before.

"What you can get me is letting that loony doctor let me go home, I can't be here another week!" she yelled.

"Clare, come on," I tried to reason with her. "You know I can't do that," I said.

"You're not even trying!" she reproached me.

"Clare," her mom then said, "stop yelling at Eli for things that are out of his control, the boy flew thousands of miles to be here, give him a break," she added, and I was surprised to see her stand up for me like this.

"Of course you're on his side," Clare muttered, shooting us both a look of pure hate.

"Clare, if you opened your eyes past your momentary anger, you'd see that everyone in this room is only on your side," her mom said, patiently opening a magazine as she sat down in a chair.

"So, what can I get you for lunch?" I asked her gently again. She was in one of her moods and I have learned by now not to let anything that she says when she's like this get to me. She's just…angry.

"Ugh, stop asking me-" she began, but she was interrupted by the sound of…my parents walking in the room.

"Clarabelle!" my dad jovially said as my mom went over to her and gently hugged her.

"Hi," Clare said softly, and I was just as surprised as she was to see them.

"Um, you came!" she said awkwardly, shooting me a death glare.

"How are you sweetheart?" my mom asked her as she handed her some flowers that Clare held out to me in a second. Um, I had wished that she had like, at least pretended to like them. I saw my mom look sad that she didn't like them.

"Um, tired," she replied.

"Oops, we should have called," my dad then said. "We'll be on our way, we just wanted to say hi," he said, embarrassed.

"No, stay," she said with a sigh. "I just didn't know you'd be coming," she replied, shooting me another death glare.

I mouthed an 'I didn't know' to her, but it didn't really do anything. She had woken up on the wrong side of the bed today, she was filled with anger, and I knew that I just had to let it pass.

"We..we brought lunch," I heard my mom then say shyly, and I knew it was because she didn't feel comfortable now.

"So sweet of you," Clare's mom said, and her and Cece began organizing the Greek food onto plates.

We all ate in silence, my parents shooting me confused looks every once in a while.

"So, I hope Eli hasn't been too much trouble, Mrs. Edwards," my mom said, and I cringed at her use of the wrong name. I hoped to God it wouldn't piss off Clare.

"Not at all," Clare's mom said kindly, "he's been wonderful. Very helpful," she said as she smiled my way.

"Helpful? This little brat? You sure you talkin' about the right kid?" my dad asked with a laugh.

"Positive," Clare's mom replied with a laugh. "He's been a great help," she added.

"I don't need a babysitter," was what Clare chose to reply in that moment, and my parents made up some obvious excuse about having to leave now.

My dad pulled me out in the hallway before he left though, and he said, "Brace yourself boy, you've got some rough weather coming. She's just like your mother when she's angry," he told me.

"What do I do?" I asked dad, desperate for some help.

"Clare's sick, so the number one thing you do is protect her," dad replied.

"Of course," I nodded at once, hoping his advice didn't end there.

"And make sure she takes her medicine. And let her be as angry at you as she wants. Nothing matters as long as she's okay," Bullfrog advised me, placing his hand on my shoulder.

"Thanks, dad," I told him gratefully.

I walked back into the room and helped Clare's mom clean up lunch.

"I'm going to go home and get you some more clothes, sweetheart, and take some back to do laundry with me," she said.

"Now that I'll be here a whole other week," Clare muttered.

I just about died when she then added, "Wash that black shirt of Eli's too, I slept in it when he stayed over," with a perfect ice look at me.

No – she did not just say that. Her mom will have my head after hearing that, I'm sure.

"Okay," was all Helen said, picking up the shirt as she shot me a smile.

What? Ohhh, I see what was happening. Clare's mom knew this anger routine better than I did, and she probably thought Clare made that up just to get her angry. Um, maybe we can keep it like that and not explain. I mean, I didn't do anything inappropriate to Clare that night and I sure as hell didn't try to have sex with her just for the hell of it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I did good that night and treated her like a gentleman.

"Any more shirts you need washed, Eli?" Clare's mom then asked, looking right at her daughter and not at me.

"Um, no," I said in a small voice, not sure where this was going.

"I'll be off then. Clare go to bed, you're tired," she then said.

"I'm not some child you can put down for a nap whenever you don't want to deal with them!" Clare then yelled at her mom.

Her mom just rolled her eyes in response and said, "Well, good luck, Eli," before she slammed the door.

"Unbelievable," Clare then huffed after her mom left.

"Um, can I get you anything? A movie maybe?" I suggested.

"Ugh, shut up Eli," she then shot my way.

"I know you don't want to be here another week, but Clare, you have to," I began to gently say as I sat down in the chair next to her bed.

"Why?" she asked.

"Dr. Masterson said it's standard practice for cancer patients to stay for a bit after surgery and continue chemo-" I began, standing up after she did.

It seemed like she wanted to go to the washroom, and I wanted to ask her if she needed any help, but she cut me off.

"I am not some prisoner cancer patient you can just command –" she began, but this time I was the one to cut her off.

"But you _are _a cancer patient," I tried to reason with her, trying to get her to understand that that wasn't a bad thing – it just meant we had to follow certain rules, rules that began with her doing her chemo.

She then groaned in frustration, looked at me with pure anger, grabbed her hair furiously and hurled it forward as she said, "I don't want to be!" shouting that at me as a weapon.

In her frustration, her gown had moved and was about to trip her, so I reached for the bottom, just to have her shove me aside.

"Get away from me Eli," she screamed, and I was afraid someone would hear and think I was raping her or something. She sounded so….unhappy with my presence around her.

"Clare, let me help you," I tried to reason with her.

"Stop it! Stop trying to help," she shouted, shoving me again and I could tell that this was it. This was her snapping.

"You're always here!" she then screamed, and my blood froze at those words.

"Always here, always watching, always worrying – it's so…." She said, pausing as she tried to find the right word.

_Please don't say it. Please don't say it. Oh God, anything but that. Anything but that. _

"So SUFFOCATING!" she spat at me, and I had to physically take a step back, because that word, from her lips, felt like a bullet in my heart.

"I'm just trying to help," I said in a shaky voice.

"Well stop it! Stop it! I don't want to be here, I don't want to go through this! I don't want any of it! I hate it, and I hate YOU!" she spat.

_She doesn't mean it. She's not thinking straight. Keep it together. You have to be strong for her. _

"You don't mean that," I whispered to her.

"I do! I do mean it! Get out, Eli, get out!" she then shouted. "You and your stupid worry," she then said as she hurled the magazines I bought her at me.

"Stop it! Stop working out your _sick fantasy_, your _sick _project of trying to make sure I don't die, just because with her you never got the chance to try," she then screamed and every muscle in me froze when I heard those words.

_That's what she thinks? _

"Stop making me Julia again! You have issues, Eli," she said, as I stood there, stunned.

"Get out," she then deadpanned.

"Clare," was all I said before I looked at her with tears in my eyes. "That's not fair and you know it isn't. Now you're just trying to hurt me. Why?" I asked her.

"GET OUT!" she screamed.

"I'm not going anywhere," I stubbornly fired back. "I'm not going to sit here and watch you put your life in danger. Do you have any idea how dangerous refusing treatment is? Cause I can tell you a thing or two about that," I replied.

"Oh please," she said, rolling her eyes, "It's not like I'm some kind of mental person, like you! I am not going to go crazy!" she screamed, and her words hurt me deeply_. _

_Some kind of mental person_. _That's how she saw me?_

"No, you're right, you won't," I said, looking down at the ground. "And after what you just said, I don't think you even love me anymore – congratulations, you win," I told her bitterly.

"Then get out," she said, her blue eyes so icy.

"Look Clare, you don't have to love me. You don't have to even like me. But I'll be damned if I leave this hospital before I actually sit right here and watch them to do the chemotherapy on you. If I have to have them strap you down, I'll do it. Go ahead, say more hurtful things – there's no way you can hurt me any more than what you just did, right now, you know that? Come on, say it, say it, I know you're not done," I retorted, angry now too.

"I hate you!" she screamed, throwing the clipboard at the end of her bed at me.

"Go on," I told her. "But that doctor's still coming tomorrow," I added.

"My life would have been so calm if I never met you!" she then screamed, and that hurt even more…because I knew it was true.

"Are you done now?" I asked her, calmly.

"Get out, Eli, leave me alone!" she then screamed, trying to push me out of her way, but I watched as a powerful heave overcame her in a second and…she threw up her entire lunch…right in my face and down my chest.

"Oh," I heard her gasp as she covered my mouth.

I closed my mouth and eyes and went into the bathroom, where I decided the easiest thing to do would be to just take my shirt off and get in the shower. I could feel an overwhelming…bad smell take me over as I slid my T-shirt over my face, but none of this throw up was as upsetting as the words that she had just hurled my way, so I quickly showered it off.

Big deal. It was just a little bit of throw up.

Her mom had taken my only extra shirt and I had no other pants or underwear, so I just grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist. I was worried she'd have left, to God knows where, and I'd have to hunt her through the hospital wearing only a towel.

But when I came out of the shower, I saw her cowering over in the corner of the bed…softly crying.

How is it that I could be so hurt and so mad at her and yet…all I wanted to do in that moment was to hold her and kiss her until I'd take every tear off her face?

"Oh," she sighed painfully when she saw me come out, and I could tell that she was scared…not knowing what to say.

"I can't believe I threw up on you," she said, hiding her embarrassed face in her hands and trying in vain to wipe her tears away.

"That's nothing," I said, hurt and sad, as I sank in a chair. "I could care less about a little throw up. But those things you said…Clare," I sighed, not knowing where to start even.

"I don't see you as some kind of crazy person," she said immediately.

"I guess I couldn't blame you too much if you did," I sighed after many moments of silence. "But what you said about me living out a sick fantasy trying to replace Julia….God Clare," I sighed painfully, wondering if I could ever recover from that.

"I didn't mean that either!" she said, and my heart felt all scrunchy when I saw her sob.

"Clare…you need to understand that…yes, Julia's death is a big part why I worry so much. But…I've always been like this, and you need to stop throwing Julia in my face every time you want to hurt me. What her and I had was not as…advanced as what you and I have. You and I have a relationship that goes much deeper than what Julia and I had, it was cut off for us. You're the love of my life," I tried to explain, and I saw her look up desperately at that last sentence.

"Even…even after what I said?" she said, looking up full of hope at me.

"I…I'm still shaking from what you said," I replied, wanting so badly to tell her "yes" instead, but remembering my therapist's advice when it came to Clare. How I had to be strong and see if she was really all in before I went on professing my love for her.

"It was…bad," she said, heaving.

_Okay, that's it. I can't do it anymore. _

"If….if you want me to go, I'll go," I told her. "Your mom will take care of you, and you and I will go our different paths. New York is a big city, I'd never even see you at Columbia. I'm…this is an out, Clare. If you really want it, tell me. I'll never bother you again," I sighed.

She didn't even take a second to think about it.

"I don't want it!" she called out emotionally. "I love you!" she said. "I was…I was trying to hurt you…on purpose," she then whispered.

"Why?" I asked her.

"I don't know! Maybe I am losing my mind! I hate being cooped up in here, Eli! It's making me…I hate it!" she said. "Do you…do you not love me anymore? Because of what I said?" she asked.

"Clare, no matter what you do, I'll love you all my life," I sighed.

"But you…don't want to be together anymore?" she asked.

"Oh Clare," I sighed, "what do you want? Stop worrying about what I want," I pleaded with her.

"I want," she said, looking right at me, "I want a happy ending," she said, breaking out in a bright smile.

"Kiss?" she then said, a tear running down her face.

I sat on the bed next to her and pulled her into my arms as I felt my body shake at her presence, happy and loving in my arms once again.

"Uh huh," I nodded, wanting to tease her a little, and I touched my lips to her so slowly that she couldn't take it anymore and she crashed hers onto mine. I let her take control of the kiss, because she was amusing me so with her fierce determination, but she quickly began…crying into the kiss.

"What's wrong, love," I whispered, hugging her tightly.

"I threw up on you," she said, tearfully. "I'm so gross," she said, looking disgusted with herself – something I never wanted her to feel.

"No, no, you're beautiful," I whispered as I hugged her tightly and kissed whatever part of her face I could reach, and in this case it was her ear.

"A little throw up never killed anybody," I said as I patted her head. "But…I am worried that you threw up…and you have to let me worry," I said meaningfully.

"Okay," she then replied with a hiccup. When more over took her, I just held her in my arms, kissing her ear over and over again as I rocked our bodies gently, running my hands in circles on her back and the hiccups eventually stopped.

"How can I help you realize how beautiful and sexy you are," I thought out loud, running my hands down her sides. Normally the way to make a girl realize that – other than saying it over and over again, which I could tell wasn't really working for me with her – was to make love to her and treat her body like the wonderland that it was, but…Clare was drained, and her mom told me that I shouldn't place any stress on her body right now. And…I could tell that Clare didn't want to, and I'd rather die than be that guy that helps himself anyway.

"I'm not," she muttered. "I'm so gross," she said again.

"No…you're so beautiful," I said, running my hands through her hair.

"Don't," she cut me off, "It's so greasy. Just another way I'm gross," she said, tearfully.

When I saw that tear, I knew I had to do something. Anything. But I couldn't take her out on a date because she couldn't go out of the hospital.

"So gross," she said again as she hurled her hands through her hair, casting it in front of her.

"No," I repeated again, kissing her.

"Can you help me wash it?" she then asked in a small voice.

"Of course, of course!" I said at once. Is this what she wanted? Why didn't she just ask.

"Eli," she then said, tightly clutching my hand.

"Yes, my love," I sighed, hugging her tightly.

"It will be gross," she then said, going on about that again.

"No. It will be wonderful," I contradicted her, gently lifting her off the bed as I kept her in our embrace.

"You got me that shampoo and conditioner, it's in the shower, my mom put it there," she whispered into my shoulder.

"Okay, don't worry, I got you," I told her, soothing her shaking body a little. Carrying her and keeping my towel on was a challenge, but I did it.

I sat down with her on the edge of the tub and pushed her hair out of her eyes.

"So beautiful," I repeated. I would tell her this until she realized how true it was, I told myself.

"How are we going to do this?" she asked, looking around.

"Easy," I said encouragingly – "the bathtub is one of those ones like for seniors," I said as she giggled. "We can sit down in it, on that sitting part," I gestured, pointing to the end of the tub.

"I'll hold you in my lap and do it," I told her, grabbing a couple of fresh towels before moving us into the tub and sitting down.

"Like this," I said, moving her sideways so she was in my arms and facing the mirror on the wall while I was facing the showerhead.

She reached for the showerhead and for the shampoo and conditioner and laid them down by my feet.

"Thanks baby," I told her as I pressed a kiss to her temple and snuggled her in my arms for a minute.

"I'm sorry," she then whispered, burying her face in my neck. I felt her kiss my neck just a second later, and sure enough, that made my knees tremble, which in turn got a huge giggle out of Clare.

"Already forgiven and forgotten," I told her soothingly, because I could tell that she was still beating herself up over it and that's not what I wanted for my girl. She already was stressed enough.

"Now your robe will get wet like that," I said gently, reaching for the ties at her neck. I could tell that she trusted me, because she didn't even flinch.

"How can we do it?" she asked, pressing her head against my chest.

"Just hang on," I told her as I fumbled with the ties, taking a break to press a kiss on the skin there – so beautiful and untouched by the sun, even – so white and…perfect, just like her. Even after her screaming fit…she was still so perfect, just the way she was.

"I wouldn't change one hair on your head," I voiced aloud as those thoughts ran through my mind. "You're perfect," I murmured against her skin.

"Mmm," she whispered, kissing my bare chest. "God, I love you," she said, drawing in a deep breath and closing her eyes as she lay on my chest for a minute.

"It is cold? The tile against your back? Does it hurt?" she asked, in reference to the freezing and hard and coarse tile that I was laying against, the pressure of her body making the little pearls in the tile dig into my skin.

"Not at all, don't you worry," was my reply.

"Arm through here," I gently told her as I guided her arm, and voila – I had figured out her robe so that it was resting just above that almost-killing-me-dead-by-sexiness line where you could see the contours of her chest coming together at a cusp. I laid her back a little and kissed her so that my top lip was hitting her skin while my bottom was touching her robe, and she squirmed in pleasure in my arms.

"That good?" I asked her in reference to the robe.

"Perfect," she said with a smile.

"Now just down here," I said, bunching up the bottom of her robe to above her knees and holding the folds in place by placing them in between her thighs and mine.

"Thank you," she said gratefully as I gazed down at her covered body. She looked so…beautiful, so innocent, and so pure – to me, she'll always look like that, ring or no ring.

"You know Edwards," I decided to tease her a little, "all this trouble, and I've already seen…and kissed," I said as she squirmed in pleasure again, "every inch of this gorgeous body," I teased, kissing her neck.

"Heehee," she squirmed in pleasure as I continued down her shoulder, "but you don't get to see it _now_," she said, breaking out in full giggles that thrilled me to no end.

This is how I wanted her – laughing, not sad. Never sad.

"You sure about that? I did tell you before that robe is really see-through," I whispered in her ear, and I was met with an outright slap on my bicep for that comment.

"Ouch, I'm suffering abuse over here," I said with a smirk as she burst out in a full laugh now.

"E-Eli," she finally finished, giggling out my name.

"And, just one careless sweep of this showerhead," I said, turning it on menacingly, "and _everything _becomes see through," I said, widening my eyes.

She was not to be out done, however, because I felt her reach for the side of my robe as she whispered between barely controllable giggles, "Careful too, Goldsworthy, I can have this off in one second," she threatened.

"Hmm," I said, pretending to think about it. "Rain check on that one," I whispered in her ear.

I hate to be outdone, but I'm fully capable of realizing when I'm defeated, and with her next comment she emerged victorious.

"Okay," she then said with a giggle, grabbing onto both my biceps as she kissed me. Just as she was pulling away, she whispered against my lips, "When I get better, I'll take you into the shower with me…for shower sex," she said, pronouncing each word softly. I'm sure that my entire face turned white at that. _Holy cow. Did she just say that?_

"Um, y-ye, I-I- Cl, we," I stumbled, completely flabbergasted by that.

"Wow, _Eli Goldsworthy speechless_ – now I have really seen it all," she said, obviously delighted with her result.

"Hey, I'm just happy to hear you say when you get better for once," I recovered.

I liked to think that I was a pretty smooth dude, but this girl, man. Whenever I was around her, I just…couldn't get my stuff right.

"I will," she then said with a smile, and forget the shower sex thing, I swear.

_Hearing her say that - that she sees the time when she'll get better, THAT is what I wanted to hear. _

"But," she then said with a cute blush on her face, "I…it might be a while before I'm ready to do stuff like that," she said, hiding her face in my shoulder.

I slowly pulled her out of there and looked her in the eyes.

"Hey," I said gently. "Just because you and I have a new boundary now doesn't mean that…" I said, stumbling with how to explain this.

"When," she then piped up. "My magazine says that…keep things interesting," she said with a deep red blush on her face.

"If I remember correctly, this magazine of yours is pretty unreliable for reaching conclusions," I said, closing my eyes at the thought of that irresponsible guy touching my girl…like that.

"Clare. I could never get bored of just holding you," I told her again. "Stop reading that stuff. It's obviously putting in dumb ideas in girls' heads," I told her. Hadn't she read all those feminist articles about those magazines?

"I know…I know that boys want… to be satisfied," she then stumbled.

"Huh? Satisfied?" I asked her, confused. What kind of a dumb thing to write was that?

_Oh no. Gross_.

"I'm guessing that was a little something you picked up with Jake," I sighed.

"Well, isn't it true?" she asked, and I could tell that she really was…curious.

"Maybe for him!" I said, raising my voice a little. "All I want every time we're together is that you want to, and that you're comfortable and that what I do feels amazing for you," I tried to explain. "If that stuff happens – _that's _what in turn makes me….satisfied, if we must use that word. I'd rather not, though. That's what in turn makes me happy," I tried to explain to her.

"And another thing," I told her. "Not every time that I touch you has to lead to sex. I totally get that, but I'm afraid that…you don't. It seems like after we…you know, you think every time I touch you I'm expecting it. Well, I'm not. I'm not like that," I defended myself as I held her in my arms.

"Wow," she then whispered.

"What?" I asked her, scared that she was angry.

"I love you," she breathed. "I love you so much," she breathed again as she caressed my chest. "You just…you know so well how to explain all this stuff to me, to help me with it all, to make me…feel safe," she replied, and nothing made me feel prouder – ever - than to hear my girl say that.

"Toss the magazine," I whispered in her ear.

"Okay," she nodded, and I was happy to hear that, because I had another suspicion – this repletion of hers with the fact that she feels gross – I think that stupid magazine also has to do with that. They're putting all sorts of nonsense into her head.

"But," she then added with a deep blush, "I do still….want to, you know. One day. Shower," she whispered, right against my lips.

"Hmm, something to look forward to," I replied with a smirk. "As you do your chemo," I emphasized. "I meant what I said about watching you, about you not refusing treatment. I don't care if you break up with me over it, I'm still watching you," I told her as I gently began wetting her hair.

"I….I'll do it," she agreed.

"Too hot?" I asked, in reference to the water.

"It's perfect," she said with a smile.

"Good, and thank you for agreeing on the treatment. I messed up badly by not doing mine. I'm not letting you suffer like that," I told her as I gently squeezed some shampoo onto her curls and began working it through her curls. The fruity smell overtook the room as Clare softly sighed.

"Kiss," she said, and I leaned down to oblige her request – all too happily.

She then sighed as I went back to gently shampooing her curls as she rested in my embrace – I was getting some of it on my arm and shoulder, but I didn't mind.

"That feels so good," she said with a little moan as I massaged her scalp. "Mmm," she softly moaned again, and that action on her part made my mind flood with the sweetest memories of the best night of my life.

"You're killing me Edwards," I told her with a wink as she giggled profusely. She was enjoying that, I knew.

"Uh huh," she said, standing up a little in our embrace to kiss me.

"Time to rinse it out," I told her, lowering her head a little and rinsing it out – this part would be tricky, and in the end I ended up splashing so much on myself that I realized it was a good thing she had thrown up on me earlier, making me take a shower and end up wearing only this towel. I was really good at not getting any on her, though, and I was happy about that.

"I feel so much better already," she sighed.

"So glad to hear that," I said, breathing a huge sigh of relief. I hated to see my girl so down on herself, especially when she really was so beautiful and smart and well…perfect, just the way she was.

"Just gonna put in this conditioner," I told her, working in it a few minutes after I pulled some of her hair off my hands, wanting not to think too much about that.

"So nice," she mumbled appreciatively as she closed her eyes at my touch. "Mmm Eli, you're the best," she then sighed, her cross necklace shining in the sunlight as it raised and lowered with her every breath.

"Stop teasing me like that, Edwards," I leaned in to whisper into her ear, as I was fully aware of what she was doing.

"Shhh," she then said, opening her eyes and placing a finger on top of my mouth, "No talking," she teased.

"Dammit Edwards," I told her before capturing her lips in a kiss.

I went back to massaging the conditioner into her hair and running my fingers over her scalp because she seemed to like that so much.

"I love you," she breathed as I was rinsing the conditioner out, and I felt her raise herself into my arms once I was done.

"Oops," I said, rushing to grab the second towel and wrap her hair in it before she'd get her robe all wet. I knew that she couldn't get her bandages wet, which is why her sudden action left me scrambling.

She rested her head onto my bare chest and began playing with my guitar pick necklace while I towel dried her hair.

"No, don't," she said, when I said I'd have to raise us for a minute so I could grab the brush to comb it out.

"Come on, I want to," I told her, wondering why she had let me do the other way more personal steps of this but was stopping me now.

"It'll…it'll fall out," she said in a tiny voice.

"I'll be gentle," I replied. _Oh no. My poor, sweet girl. I knew this was going to happen, but we would get through it. _

"Clare," I said again. "I'll be gentle," I argued my case.

"I know you will," she then said thoughtfully, and she let me raise us out of the bathtub and bring her back to her bed, where I tried to be gentle as possible, but I saw her tear up when she saw the collection of hairs on the new brush.

"Sweetheart," I told her while I placed a kiss on her shoulder in our embrace on the bed – I was sitting behind her and she was resting in my lap – "it's a bit of an illusion," I argued.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"One of the things that drives my dad crazy is the amount of hair in the shower in him and my mom's bathroom – they fight about it all the time. I've seen my mom's brush – it has so many hairs in it. I got you this new brush as part of that little kit thing, so it just looks like there's so many because it's a new one, it has non in it already. It's not that much, this is less than my mom's," I tried to encourage her as I towel dried her hair again.

"You're so good to me," she breathed as she snuggled into our embrace. I went to the nurses' station to ask for a hairdryer, and they quickly got me one. I finished drying her hair that way.

"So beautiful," I declared once I was done, placing the brush out of her direct eyeline.

"Thank you," she said, and she moved to pull out all of the hairs that had ended up on my towel.

"I got it," I told her with a smile.

She yawned and snuggled into me, and within a few minutes of me reading her a magazine article out loud at her request, she fell asleep. I moved off the bed to let her sleep in peace, choosing instead to hold her hand from the nearby chair.

When her mom came back, she took one look at me and raised an eyebrow.

"Clare…threw up a little. On me. No big deal. I had a shower," I explained.

"Oh," Helen replied with a grimace. "My poor baby," she said, looking down at her sleeping form.

"She's okay," I said defensively. "She also asked me to wash her hair," I filled her in. "I did," I confirmed.

"Oh, Eli," her mom then sighed. "Thank you. You're taking really good care of her," she told me, and that made me feel good.

"I was thinking…that if it's okay with you I'd like to ask Dr. Masterson for permission to do something," I said.

"What?" she asked, and I explained.

"Okay, that sounds lovely," Clare's mom approved with a smile. "I hope the doctors let you," she added.

"Thank you...it means a lot to me to have you on my team," I let her know.

"Eli, if you convinced Clare to go through with the treatments, I can definitely be on board with this one tiny thing you ask. Besides, she'll love it," her mom told me with a reassuring smile.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

"He went to see his parents, said he had to make sure they were okay," my mom explained. "He's gonna be mad at himself for missing you waking up, though, so you could just pretend you just got up whenever he comes in," she added, and I noticed that she was starting to read Eli really well.

"Oh I was so rude to them," I grimaced at the memory.

"They understand sweetheart, Eli will explain, don't worry," my mom comforted me.

"So…it's a lot, isn't it?" I asked again, after checking that he had left.

I lifted my pillow up again and my mom just held me as I cried softly, not needing to answer what I already knew. Strands. Entire strands of it.

"Why were you hiding these under here, sweetheart, all day?" my mom asked.

"Because I didn't want Eli to see," I whispered, ashamed. "You know what he told me earlier today mom? That – and I quote – that he wouldn't change one hair on my head! Well, guess what – they're ALL falling out!" I screamed.

"Sweetheart, that's an expression for how he thinks you're perfect and always will be. He won't care," my mom said with a shrug. "If this were…another boy…who only cared about physical things, he'd be gone already. But this is Eli – looks aren't number one for him, and you're my beautiful daughter with or without all that hair anyway," my mom said.

"Still," I insisted, "I don't want Eli to see me like this," I told her.

"Dr. Masterson discussed…the wigs. They look fun, even, Clare, you can change them – like Samantha in Sex and the City," my mom said, and my jaw dropped.

"You watch Sex and the City?" I asked.

"It made me feel better after my divorce," she said with a shrug.

"Oh mom," I sighed painfully at the thought of my mom watching episodes of Sex and the City alone and sad because I was too busy chasing shirtless Jake around. "I was so mean to you after the divorce, I'm so sorry," I said.

"Sweetheart, you were no such thing. That was my problem, not yours. You had your own life," she said with a smile, but I still felt bad. I even remember thinking that my relationship with Jake was more important than my mom's and Glen's – how delusional I was simply astounds me right now as I look back on those times.

"Let me help you," she said, as she followed me into the bathroom.

"No mom, I want…I need to do this by myself. Go get some coffee, please," I said, and she listened to me with tears in her eyes.

I picked up the razor and studied it. It felt…foreign, as did the reflection in the mirror as I ran it over my head, again and again.

When I held up the small mirror with the blue edges, it didn't…feel real. I felt like I was watching a movie of myself.

A few minutes later, my mom was hugging me as I pointed and said, "That one," confidently.

"Are you sure?" my mom asked. "That's the one you want?" she confirmed.

"What do you think?" I asked as I tried it on.

"Beautiful," my mom said with a huge smile. It was different for me, really different – but it was fun. It made me feel…free, and that's what I needed right now.

"I think a certain black haired boy is gonna be stunned at his Marilyn," Dr. Masterson said with a huge smile. "Eli won't even know what hit him," she added, and the three of us burst out in giggles.

"Now, for step two," my mom said, pulling out a shiny The Bay bag.

"Eli's got some special plans for you tonight," Dr. Masterson said with a wink. "He even got them past my boss, filled out all these forms, the poor soul," she giggled.

"And I thought my daughter needed a new dress, because it's a very special date," my mom said as she pulled out his exquisite dress.

"It's so…amazing," I gasped when I saw it.

It was made of a stretchy dark red fabric but it had black lace over it, so the color effect was striking as you put it on; and the sleeves were made of black lace.

"That lace on the sleeves will make your arms look so elegant," Dr. _Masterson remarked. _

"_Try it on, love," she then gushed_ – a woman with a Harvard MD/PhD and thousands of other credentials. It was amazing what a dress could do – Dr. Masterson was supposed to have the hospital half an hour ago when her shift ended, but apparently she had stayed because she had wanted to see Eli's "arrangement" as she called it. Apparently some of the other staff had, too.

I did as I was told, and it looked…I looked gorgeous. I looked…hot.

"Wow," my mom said as she looked me up and down. "Do I know how to pick them or what?" she boasted.

"You do," I said, surprised, realizing that I have not been giving my mom credit all this time. Always I go shopping with Alli and Jenna and never even ask her, but this is without a doubt the best dress I have ever worn. It's short too – so not the nun dress I would have guaranteed my mom to pick out. It comes out to the middle point of my thighs, and when I slip on the heeled shoes made of black leather that my mom also brought, I look….like something out of a magazine. The elegant heel elongates my leg and the blonde hair makes everything pop.

"And one more thing," my mom said, pulling out a gorgeous black satin shawl with…a little silver skull in the corner.

"I thought Eli would like that, it would be funny," my mom said, and I couldn't believe it – she had done amazingly, picking out the best things in the store without a doubt.

"Mom, this is fantastic, I feel…I feel…so happy," I honestly said.

"I'm so happy sweetheart. Now he should be here any minute, and no matter how much I'd love to see his reaction at this" – she said, gesturing up and down, "we don't want to ruin the moment," she said, leaving with Dr. Masterson after retouching my make-up ever so slightly.

That was another thing she did amazingly – my make-up. She crafted these amazing smoky eyes and the way she curled my lashes just…opened up my eyes so you can see them completely – Eli's gonna go nuts, I thought with a thrill.

Apparently he had planned something special because he could tell that I needed a break – how thoughtful was he, I thought to myself.

I was wearing red earrings that matched the underneath material of the dress, and I had taken off my cross necklace and replaced it with a long and elegant one made of shimmery gold and white sparkling decorative spheres.

I felt…beautiful, and I couldn't wait for him to get here. I needed to get a break, and even if I know he couldn't take me out of the hospital, I was so excited for whatever he had planned. Dr. Masterson had said that a lot of the staff had seen what he had done, so she kind of blew it for Eli – that meant that he had set up a dinner in the doctor's lounge, I bet. There must be nice tables and stuff in there. I had to pretend to be surprised, but I knew I could fake it.

I heard a series of footsteps down the hall and I knew it was him by the way that he walked.

He then lightly pushed the door open – thinking that I was asleep still, I bet – as I faced the window, and opposite him.

"Sorry, wrong room," I heard him then say apologetically, but I then turned around, catching my blonde hair out of the corner of eye.

"Woah," was all he got out, looking stunned and …fascinated. "Clare," he then said, looking completely captivated.

_He likes it. He likes the hair – thank God. _

"You like it?' I asked, biting my lip and fidgeting on my heels a little.

"I love it," he said, widening his eyes. "You look _so_ beautiful," he emphasized. "Like…a real life angel on Earth, just the way you are…perfect, always perfect," he said as he kissed my cheek and hugged me.

"No matter what color hair," he then whispered in my ear as he brushed it aside and kissed it. "You're the most beautiful girl on the planet, you look so good, always," he said, kissing my cheek as he held me in a tight hug.

"Love the blonde," he said as he came out of the hug and kissed me softly. "Mmm," he moaned, "why didn't you tell me," he then said, touching the edges of my wig. "I could have helped you," he said, and I knew he understood that I shaved my head.

"I wanted to surprise you," I giggled into his embrace. "I thought…it's summer, blonde might be fun," I said.

"Whatever color you wear, you'd automatically make it the best colour ever – because _you _chose it. Damn luckiest colour in the world to be chosen by you," he said as he ran through his fingers through the wig, getting used to it.

"I love you, my little blonde bombshell," he said with wide, humorous eyes, kissing me one more time. He made me feel…so special, the way he reacted.

"And what a gorgeous dress, do a spin for me," he said, as I playfully obliged.

"My God, I'm defenceless against all this," Eli then said with a laugh, "I can't help staring. I'll be staring the whole night, just so you know," he said.

"Rumor around this hospital has it that you're taking me on a date," I teased, poking him with my index finger.

"Now that I'm so horribly underdressed," he frowned.

"You look great," I told him – he was wearing his characteristic black skinny jeans and combat boots. He also had a simple, but elegant black dress shirt underneath a simple black leather jacket that made him look so…mature.

"Not as amazing as this," he said, making me twirl again and pulling me right into this arms at the end. "Man, I can't get over it," he said with a laugh.

"I'm so glad you love it," I said, shyly touching the wig. I was just getting used to it myself.

"You know I love you in a robe and unwashed hair," he teased, "but this is such a treat. You got all dressed up," he remarked.

"For you," I made it clear, "and for the occasion. I just want…to be with you, no more thinking about the bad stuff for a few hours," I shyly said.

"Sounds perfect my love," Eli said quietly, reaching for my arm. "You ready to go?" he asked, and I felt on cloud nine at the thought of leaving this room on his arm.

"Where are we going?" I asked him.

"Do you not understand the concept of surprise, Edwards?" he smirked, pulling out a blindfold.

"You're not serious," I told him.

"Course I am," he said as I let him tie it on, noticing that he did so very gently and slowly. I then felt him step behind me and place his arms around my waist; his legs were walking forward and mine were mirroring his actions as his chest protectively rested against my back. I felt him kiss my shoulder as he raised me into what I could feel was an elevator.

I heard him press a button and he whispered. "I'm gonna put on your wrap, it's chilly," he said.

"We're going outside?" I asked in pure happiness. Surely he couldn't take me out to dinner, like actually out!

"We're here now," I heard him laugh in response and…we were outside.

We were…on the roof of the hospital, next to a greenhouse.

I saw…Dr. Masterson, my mom and Glen, and Eli's parents all standing in between the greenhouse and…our date area.

Oh my God, what had he done! He had set up a whole…outdoor movie area. There was a screen, a projector, a couch, and a whole bunch of decorative pillows that rested on an elegant red carpet. Off to the side there was a square table with an elegant while tablecloth and some long candles on it, and these fancy white dishes with blue Dutch patterns on them. I even noticed that there was a bottle of wine on the table, next to wooden take out boxes. Pierre Macaron! My favourite restaurant – I could read the label on the take out menu. There was even popcorn and M and Ms on the couch – my favorite.

"Eli, how did you do all this?" I asked, overcome with emotion. It was so perfect – and the view was amazing – I could see all of Toronto's lights. I took my wrap off as it was very hot outside and I didn't need it.

"I had some help," he said with a wink at the row of adults.

"Dr. Masterson paid for security…herself," Eli said, obviously being overcome with emotion. It was only then that I noticed two uniformed guards.

"They have to stay here while you're on the roof, just for insurance purposes. But they're celebrity security, sweetheart, they know how to give privacy," Dr. Masterson said. "The hospital has a greenhouse here, we grow medicinal plants, Eli noticed the button on the elevator and came up with the idea. It's just like dinner at the CN Tower, except better," she said. "I…we all wanted to see your reaction so we crashed – Eli said it was okay," she explained.

"Dad helped me set up the outdoor movie, I needed help with the wiring," Eli then said, and I shot Bullfrog a grateful smile.

This was my chance.

"I'm sorry I was so rude to you – I began," but I then saw both him and Cece softly shake their hands at me.

"You like it Clarebelle?" Bullfrog asked, obviously proud of his set-up.

"Like it?" I asked, overcome. "This is the most wonderful date of my life," I said. "I don't deserve all of this," I shrugged, and right away I felt Eli's arm wrap around my waist as he said, "You deserve all of this – and more. You deserve only the best, and I'm going to get it for you, one step at a time. Right now this is the best I can do, but there will come a time when I can do better," he said, and I squeezed his hand.

"Well, we'll be off then," my mom said, walking over by Cece. "You're not the only one being treated tonight, Clare. Glen and Bullfrog are taking me and Eli's mom to dinner, and we wanted Dr. Masterson to come too but she can't," she said.

"Oh, that's a great idea," I said excitedly. "But why not, Dr. Masterson?" I asked.

"I'm on call. And I can't take gifts," she said with a frown. "Eli did write me a poem, and I'm allowed to keep that, but no money gifts," she said. "Still, no one's ever written me a poem before – I feel so special. I'm going to frame it and put it in my office and when you're a fancy director I'm going to show everyone and tell them you did it as a young man, and they'll all be so jealous," she said playfully.

"Yeah, except my little punk's totally made us look bad now," Bullfrog teased. "We're gonna have pissed off wives," he said with a frown at Glen who nodded.

I saw Glen scratch his neck as he said, "Yeah, I'm…definitely gonna have to up the ante," and my mom smiled at him.

"Outdone by an eighteen year old," she said slowly, shaking her head from side to side teasingly.

They began walking away as I said, "Have fun!". In just a few minutes as they boarded the elevator, I was left with just Eli…and the two security guards, except just like Dr. Masterson said, they stood at the other end of the room on some stools and by the time that I sat down at the dinner table I had forgotten they were even there.

"This is so amazing, Eli," I told him as he pulled my chair in and lit the candles.

"I'm so happy you're happy," he said, exhaling deeply and sitting down in front of me. I could see the light from the candles reflected in his eyes as I reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze.

"I feel so free…miles away from that room," I said as I looked around all the city lights. They seemed to go on forever.

"That's exactly what I wanted," Eli replied as he began serving me salmon, West Coast salad and a brown piece of Italian bread.

"This looks so yummy," I said, waiting for him to finish putting it on his plate as well.

"Eat, eat," he said, gesturing for me not to wait, but I didn't want to start without him. I didn't want to do anything without him tonight.

"You like?" he asked after taking a bite.

"My favorite thing off the menu," I said, taking another bite.

"I know," Eli said, shooting me a smirk. "You mentioned going here with your parents to me once and I made a note," he told me. God, he really kept track of everything.

"But it's $52 dollars," I blurted out.

"Don't you worry about that," he said as he popped open the wine.

"Eli, I can't have you spending all your money on me, especially now that you quit your job to come home," I told him sternly.

He just shot me a confused look and said, "What am I supposed to spend my money on if I can't even treat my girl to a nice dinner once? Come on Edwards," he said.

"But you always do this," I protested. "It's not just once," I pointed out.

"Clare, I like to," he said, giving my hand a squeeze. "Now let me pour you some wine, Dr. Masterson says you can have a glass, as does your mom," he pointed out.

"You like wine?" I asked as I saw the elegant red liquid flow into my glass.

"Meh," Eli said with a shrug. "I'm not a wine connoisseur, but this one is from Spain, the Rioja region, I'm told it can't be beat. Bullfrog says it's really nice, and he told me for a nice dinner wine is good," Eli explained.

"Great, so even the wine is expensive," I played with him.

"I'm not gonna take you on a date and serve you some cheap cooking wine," he defended himself. "We can save in New York but now let's treat ourselves," he added. "I…" he then said, looking down, "I….won't be able to do stuff like this New York all the time, you know. I…I want to take you on Saturday date nights and do special things, but…I can't every Saturday, like Pierre Macaron style. I…every second Saturday, okay?" he asked, and I could tell that he was nervous.

"Eli, pizza and pop is more than perfect for me," I told him gently, but I could tell that he wasn't having any of it.

"No, date night every second Saturday. I'll have a job, I'll get paid every two weeks. I'll take you somewhere nice every other Saturday, I promise," he said, and he was breaking my heart.

He then added, "You won't have to settle just because…you chose me," he said, and I could tell that this was something he had thought about a lot. "Just like you grew up…I can keep that standard, I can take you to places like that. And then, once I get on my feet career wise, I promise you you're gonna have more than just the things that you need, okay?" he said, looking at me directly.

"Okay," I said softly, because I could tell that he needed this. "Okay. We're a team, you and I," I told him with a wink, and I could tell that he loved that.

"Great, that's so great to hear you agree," he said, breaking out in to a huge smile and I felt a little guilty – I can really make his life hard sometimes. Sometimes…I get stubborn and disagree with him over the smallest stuff, and he really suffers when that happens; I can tell that it just eats him up inside while I can ignore it for a while. I should really try not to do that to him anymore.

"Now please enjoy your dinner without worrying about its price. I have money," he said stubbornly.

"It's so delicious. I love it so much. Being up here is better than at the CN tower, because I'm with you," I said with a smile as I stopped eating and said, "Kiss," in his direction.

He got up and placed his hands on the table as he leaned over to kiss me, looking very content.

"I can't wait until we're in New York together," I told him.

"Me either," he said with a bright smile.

"They didn't take away your scholarship because you had to leave the job?' I asked him as I dug my fork into the tender salmon.

"I will figure out a way to make it work, don't you worry. New York is our future. I'll never stop fighting for us," he said with a wink, and I could tell that just like I didn't want to talk about chemotherapy, he didn't want to talk about this, so I let it go.

"Such a gorgeous view," I breathed, looking all around at the buildings.

Eli, however, was looking only at me when his voice took on a soft tone and he said, "Yes, it really is. The most beautiful view in the world," and I blushed deeply at those words.

I took another sip of wine – it was smooth and tasty – as I looked at him and …felt my heart swell this love. Here was this boy – and earlier today I had told him the most cruel, the most hateful things just because I knew how to hurt him best because he had trusted me with all this secrets overtime. This was the boy who I walked away from in this very hospital, down on the first floor of Emergency. He was just as scared as I was when I found out my news, and he wanted to see me just as much, and I…I walked away. And into the arms of another just two weeks later. I left him alone to deal with everything and…he did. He came back stronger than ever, but not jaded or resentful – not jaded. He gave me another chance. He trusted me wholly, completely again. I hurt him time and time again and didn't listen to him time and time again, but he always forgave me. Always. Many times that I did not even say I'm sorry what I did to him, but he forgave me. Today I threw up on him; he says there's nothing wrong with a little throw-up. I tell him the most hurtful things in the world, all he cares about is that I get my treatment. He washes my greasy hair when most boys would run in fear. He literally wipes the sweat off my body when running on three hours of sleep just so I can feel more comfortable. He orchestrates the world's best date just to get me out of my own head. Out of my own self-destruction. I love him. Goddamn it, I love him. He is one of a kind. He keeps telling me that I'm perfect, just the way I am, but he's the one that is perfect – perfect in all his imperfection, in all his suffering, in all the ways that he's panic to prone and worry and obsess. He might be desperate, but…he's so dependable when it comes to me. He gave up his dream job to be with me. This…this is the safety mom said she never had. This is what sustainable love is. I really should give him more of a break sometimes.

"I got you the chocolate cake with raspberry coulis for dessert," I hear him say, breaking my thought pattern.

"One for you too?" I asked, hoping he didn't think of just me.

"You bet," he said with a smirk.

"No, put them on one plate," I instructed, and he did as I asked, shooting me a confused look.

When he finished, I carried the plate over to where he was sitting, I moved his other used entrée plate out of his way, and sat down sideways on his lap.

But then I got up, and I shot a glance at the security guards before deciding to straddle his lap instead. My dress was short, and that action made is hike up even higher. I felt Eli's fingers graze the sides as he let out a small, private cat call just in my ear.

"Shut up," I giggled, punching his arm lightly.

"Shall we give them a show?" he asked, teasing me.

"They're not looking at us," I replied, giggling into his neck.

"I just want to eat dessert with you," I said in a perfectly innocent tone.

"Hmm," Eli said, taking a fork and putting some cake on it, making sure to get a lot of the raspberry sauce on it because he knew I liked it.

"So good," I said after he pulled the fork out of my mouth.

"My turn," I then said, reaching behind and getting some of the cake on the fork.

I purposefully dropped some of the sauce onto his lip, and then I leaned in and kissed it away.

"Oops, my bad," I said with a shrug, feigning complete innocence.

"Dammit Edwards," he said with a smirk as he fed me my next piece, adjusting me in his lap slightly and kissing my hair and shoulder until he had fed me the whole thing.

"That was amazing," I told him. "I love that sauce," I said.

I then saw him smirk as he said, "Good thing there's more then," and he used a spoon to scoop up all the sauce that belonged to his piece of cake.

"No that's yours," I protested.

"I'm done, too sweet," he said, "and what's mine is yours," he added. "Here," he said playfully, and I grabbed the spoon and finished the sauce. The second I was done he kissed my lips sweetly.

"Mmm. That is good," he then remarked, opening his eyes wide as he swept me off the chair when he stood up, and he quickly walked over to the wide red couch and we tumbled onto it, my endless giggles making the security guards stand up – I could see them out of the corner of my eye.

They could tell that all was well though, as they retreated immediately. I had a feeling they were here just so no one fell off the roof and sued the hospital.

"Blanket?" Eli asked when he saw me wrap my shawl around my shoulders.

"Okay," I responded. I was not cold, but I liked the intimacy of the blanket.

"Hey, cool," he said when he saw the little skull on my shawl, and he placed a kiss right on it that I felt in entirety on my skin, as its material was so soft.

"What are we watching?" I asked when I saw him reach for a remote.

"Well if the girl can't go to the cinema and see Man of Steel, I had no choice but to bring it to her," he said with a wink as I laid my legs over his knees. He began stroking them at once, which is exactly what I wanted.

"How did you get that movie? It's still in theatres?" I asked.

"Christopher Nolan was…on the set of the movie I worked on. He…brought some copies, and I wanted to wait to watch it until I could watch it with you. I wanted our first time to be together," he said with a shrug, and I could detect…sadness there.

"Wow. I can't believe you saw him," I said. "What was he like?' I asked.

"Amazing. Even more intelligent in person than I thought he'd be," Eli said, in pure awe.

"Oh, Eli," I sighed. He had worked so hard for that chance, and…he had lost it now.

"Nothing beats finally bringing it to you," he then said, as if reading my mind. "Nothing could ever beat this," he said as he pulled me in close. I tossed my wrap aside as I was too hot again, and he just settled the thin blanket across our legs.

"Don't stop," I whispered in his ear, referring to his strokes of my legs.

"You like that?" he asked, sounding surprised.

"Love it," I assured him as I cuddled into him and kissed his neck.

I think Eli loved the length of my dress because it allowed him to caress my thighs as well, which he did over and over again with a smile on his face. I kept one arm around him and I tugged at his leather jacket until he got the hint that I wanted it for myself, so he placed it around my shoulders with a smirk.

I ate just a little bit of popcorn and M and Ms to please him, because he had gone to all this trouble to get it, but not too much so as to throw up all over him again.

He even got up to get me water after I was done, reading my mind.

"Thank you," I said as I cuddled right back into him.

"Anything for you – you are my smart and beautiful girlfriend," he reassured me again, and I looked up at him and closed my eyes for a kiss for which he leaned in gently.

"Mmm, so perfect," I whispered as I cuddled back into his chest and slipped my hand under his shirt, resting it right above his belt.

"I love you," I felt him whisper as he kissed the blonde hair that for all purposes was mine now.

"Love you too," I said with a gasp when I felt his touch go higher on my thighs, lifting the edges of my dress as he got a malicious loving grin on his face.

I moved my hand along the edges of his belt as I kissed his neck, and sure enough, I felt him shuffle around uncomfortably for a minute before he pulled his hand away from my thighs and lowered it. I knew I had won. I always do.

"Eli," I said slowly as he turned to face me. "Lift me up," I teased him, straddling him again and raising the blanket on the outside of our embrace.

"Um, okay," he said, helping me as I towered over him, my blonde hair cascading onto his face as I kissed him deeply, feeling him grip me tighter in his arms.

"God, you're so sexy," I felt him moan into the kiss.

"Uh huh," I nodded as I placed my elbows on his shoulders and towered above him with a smile.

"I love you so much," he got out between deep breaths as I felt his hands grip my hips and start caressing me all over underneath the blanket.

"I love you too," I sighed happily in his embrace as I kissed him again, hungrily.

It was hard for both of to get our breath, but that didn't stop us, and Eli's hands moved down my body, touching every inch of available skin and pushing my dress up a few inches on a few occasions.

When he moved to my neck, my entire body trembled in his arms and I stopped using my arms for support and instead let him hold me into his embrace.

"You're so sexy," he moaned against my skin. "I can't even handle it," he said as I ran my fingers through his hair.

I giggled in his arms and reached for his hand underneath the blanket again, moving it to the edge of my dress.

Eli played with it, caressing my skin over and over again as I moved to kissing his neck and I felt his entire body tremble in response.

"Clare," he sighed, moving his hands to my back, as I giggled at his ticklish touch. "Does your back hurt," he asked, and he must have noticed I was moving around more freely.

"It feels better," I honestly told him, very pleased to be able to report that.

"Do you think I can lay you down," he then whispered, his eyes scanning mine the entire time, while also looking at the security guards. They weren't looking at us; they were still at the other end of the room, only looking at the edges of the room again and again.

"God yes, please do," I told him between soft moans. I felt his arm protectively wrap around my lower back as he first supported all my weight onto that arm before slipping it out from underneath me.

I adjusted the blanked on top of him and pushed his hair back as he towered over me.

He kissed my temple gently as I held onto his shoulders and heard him whisper, "I can kiss you better this way," and his actions, as always, followed his words, as he kissed every inch of exposed skin – my face, my lips, my neck, the neckline of my dress. I wrapped my legs around him, grateful for the privacy allowed to us by the height of the couch.

"God, I love you, Eli," I moaned into hhis kiss, and when he came back up for air, I wiped away all the lip gloss that had transferred onto his face.

"I love you too," he echoed as he caressed my legs and gently lifted me up back into a sitting embrace.

My head was spinning and my skin was on fire – his kisses, up and down my body, had been so hot but so loving at the same time – he never made me feel…cheap, the way I had felt with Jake whenever he kissed me then took off running to do God knows what.

"Amazing," I whispered into his ear, wanting to make him feel happy about himself. He smirked at me as I ran my hand up and down his chest and un did a few of the buttons at the top of his dress shirt so I could lay some kisses there.

"Oh," I heard his breath hitch as I felt his whole body tense, and he gently grabbed me and kissed me softly as I felt him turn the movie on. I could read that signal.

"I love you," I whispered, kissing his neck one more time.

"Forever," he said with a wink as he kissed my forehead and repeated, "You're my smart and beautiful girlfriend".

I reached for his hand underneath the covers and placed it on my thigh before I intertwined our fingers and cuddled into the protective embrace of his body – his shoulders were so wide now; his body had changed a little recently as he got older. His chest was also wider, and I love the way I fit in that protective embrace – it's as if it was made for me and me only.

He never once let go of me, and he placed kisses on my shoulder as he held me at the parts that he knew I didn't like, like all the fighting ones. When the movie was over, I sleepily asked him to see some of the special features too, and he obliged, but I knew that it was only a few minutes after that I felt him lift me up gently. I heard him thank the security guards, felt the motion of the elevator, and felt him cover me with a blanket as he laid me down normally in my own bed now that my back didn't hurt anymore. I could tell that he pulled up one of those old, uncomfortable chairs and crashed into it, resting his head only on my bed as he held my hand. I knew that he didn't want to invade my space, and now the bed was small since I was laying on it horizontally – I knew that's why he didn't come up, because he wanted me to be more comfortable. I knew that a night of sleeping like he was would be pure torture – he looked so uncomfortable.

"Eli," I gently said.

"Shhh, shhh, sweetheart, it's late. You rest. I'm right here, I'm good in this chair, it's excellent. You rest up, I'm holding your hand right here, I'm not going anywhere. I'm so happy your back is feeling better, I want to see you sleep like this, you have no idea how happy it makes me," he whispered.

"Kiss," I found the strength to say, and I felt his lips kiss me gently.

"I love you, and I'll be right here in the morning. I'll be by your side all night," he whispered in my ear before he sat back down, giving my hand a gentle squeeze as I drifted away.

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**Please leave me a review because I really want to know your thoughts about what happened!**


	6. Rainy Season

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**Helen's POV**

I entered the room holding three coffees but I regretted not knocking at once. Eli was sleeping in his chair next to Clare's bed – or half sleeping and half hanging out of it would be more like it. He was gently holding her hand and his head was by her side on the bed, creating a position that could not have been comfortable. And by the way that he shot up when I entered, I knew that he had been sleeping like that all night.

"Sorry, Eli," I said with an apologetic look. "Go back to bed," I then encouraged him, seeing his wild hair and the way he ran his hand through it sleepily.

"What time is it?" he asked groggily, whispering as to not wake up Clare.

"Nine thirty," I informed him.

"Wow, I slept so long. Too long," he then said as a worried look overtook him.

"Well, this is the first real night you've slept, and you've been in Toronto four days now, I think you're allowed," I whispered as I handed him a coffee.

"I gotta get on top of a regular sleep schedule," he muttered as he rubbed his eyes sleepily. I had no idea why he was set on that, so I just didn't reply.

"How was last night?" I asked him. "Clare had fun?"

"I sure hope so," he said with an exhale, looking down at her lovingly, but also with a look of total worry on his face.

"I'm sure it was wonderful," I tried to encourage him. He really had certainly planned a better date than any of the ones I've ever been taken on. It's just that Clare's illness was making her an emotional rollercoaster – and I think Eli understood this, but I was a little worried because he seems to be a very emotional boy who takes everything to heart. I know everything has hit him hard and he is holding on for her, but I am worried that he will snap too; I can tell he's scared.

"I should have changed her into her pyjamas, but she fell asleep watching the movie, the special features, and I didn't want to disturb her," he whispered to me as I gestured for him to sit back down. He still looked exhausted.

"No, it's okay, she looks fine," I told him, really thinking that he maybe should have changed her, she didn't look comfortable sleeping in the dress. He did take her shoes and shawl off, though, I noticed.

"No, I should have," he then said with deep furrows on his forehead. "I'm not doing a good job," he then sighed.

"You're doing wonderfully," I tried to encourage him. "She's really happy that you're here," I told him.

"It's just that...I don't know what she wants, I don't know what I can do, I'm running out of ideas, out of ways to make her forget...just to make her forget the hell she's living in for a few hours or so," he said, his whisper shaky at the end.

"You're doing good, Eli," I repeated, because I could tell that he was scared about this running out of ideas thing.

He just looked up at me, his eyes bloodshot as he exhaled deeply and took her hand in his gently again.

"Mmm," I heard her softly moan in her sleep and watched as Eli watched her every movement.

When Dr. Masterson shot into the room and turned the lights on slowly, I knew that Clare's sleep was over.

"Clare, sweetheart," Dr. Masterson said, and I could tell that something was wrong at once.

"Yes?" she asked, standing up a little with Eli's help and taking my presence in as well.

"I know I promised you I'd only keep you until Sunday, but something's come up in your blood work that I don't like," she said, speaking fastly.

"No, no," Clare said in a strict tone.

"I'm going to start you on a more aggressive treatment, more powerful chemotherapy. And you need to stay here with me for at least the next three weeks," she said, looking completely resolute.

"What's wrong Dr.?" I asked her, feeling my heart sink at her...urgent manner.

"If I'm dying, I have a right to know," I heard Clare say as she stood up, and Eli grabbed her hand tighter at those words as his entire face turned pale.

"Am I?" she then asked in horror.

"Clare, let's do the treatment and see how you respond. Your prognosis is still good," Dr. Masterson said, looking directly in her eyes. "It's normal for cancer patients to have...ups and downs; dips, if you will. We are hitting one right now. I was...I was a little surprised we hadn't yet, actually. It...I was surprised, but now it's coming and we have to work through it. With the treatment, we need to do the treatment. You need to stay here where I can watch you and adjust the course of treatment accordingly. But we have to do it, and timing is everything. I'm starting you on it right away. We have to fight, Clare, we have to – because treatment works," she said encouragingly, and I could tell that she believed what she said.

"I don't want to," Clare then whined painfully. "You said I could leave on Sunday, I can't be here three more weeks," she said, adjusting her wig slightly.

"Clare, if you do not do the treatment, we know for sure what will happen – you'll get much sicker, more quickly. If you do do the treatment, you'll get better," Dr. Masterson put it simply. "There is no option. Treatment works. We can't bury our head in the sand and not do anything, because we know for sure what will happen then. I don't want you to panic. This happens to all of my patients, Clare – they take a dip sometimes. It's your first one. I will get you through it, but you need to work with me," Dr. Masterson said resolutely.

"Promise me," she then said, looking my daughter straight in the eyes.

"I don't want to," Clare then whined painfully, shying away from Dr. Masterson. It was at that point that Eli sat down on the bed next to her and hugged her gently, protectively as not to hurt her.

Dr. Masterson and I both watched as he squeezed her gently, buried her head in his embrace and kissed the blonde hair of her wig before whispering into her ear. I could tell that he wanted it to be private, but we could both hear it clearly.

"Please, Clare, please," he urgently whispered to her.

"No," she said tearfully, hiding in his embrace and clutching his black dress shirt.

"Clare, please," he begged again.

"Eli, I don't want to," she whined painfully, retreating further into his embrace.

"I know you don't want to, I know," he soothed her, "but...for me, please. For me, please. Can you find it in you...to do it for me, please, please, and I'll never ask you for anything again. I promise, I'll never ask you for anything again," he begged, his body shaking a little.

She was silent for a minute before she finally emerged out of his hug and nodded tearfully, looking at me and at Dr. Masterson.

"All right then," she said in a very unconvinced tone.

"Thank you," Eli whispered into her ear, running his hand down her back and not letting her go out of his embrace.

"I'll be here every step of the way," he told her, but she didn't reply.

"I know," she then said a minute later, and I wondered if maybe she needed a break from him by the way she said that. I made a note to maybe suggest to him to give her some space.

"I'll go get you some more clothes and do some laundry," I said, feeling the need to have to do something. I was so scared at the news that I just heard.

"Again," Clare said, looking very upset.

"Come on, let's get changed out of the dress," Eli said gently.

"I'll help her," I said, thinking that he didn't need to be the one to undress my daughter.

"I want Eli to do it," she then said, shooting me a look of anger. I knew why too – it was because I didn't resist the doctor's wish to have her stay longer. Because I didn't protest at all. But there was no way I could do that – my daughter has cancer. My love can't heal her. Staying home can't heal her. Right now I have to do what she needs – and what she needs is treatment. It's just like how Dr. Masterson said – if she doesn't get any treatment, we know what will happen. I will take every treatment Dr. Masterson wants to do as long as its reasonable. I trust the doctor, it's very obvious she has so much experience, and her words about the normal highs and lows in cancer treatment give me some small anchor to hold on to, and I need that anchor right now.

"Okay, Eli can help you," I said gently, shooting him a strict look. He then nodded at me in a "Don't worry, I got this," manner, and I didn't like that I just had to trust that he could handle it.

So after Dr. Masterson left and I saw Eli gently lift Clare into his arms, grabbing her robe and taking it into the bathroom with them, I quietly returned to the room and just watched his actions. I was leaving him alone with my daughter, I needed to make sure that the boy could actually take care of her. At the end of the day, she was just an eighteen year old – a very sensitive one, too. That boy wears his heart on his sleeve and I am wondering if there's only so much more of this that he can take before he fully breaks down in front of her too.

He had picked her up sideways in his arms, just scooping her off the bed and kissing her temple over and over again as he walked to the bathroom. His movements were slow, laborious, and he was moving with the aches and pains of someone running on very little sleep obtained in a very strained position – but he never faltered as he held her protectively and whispered, "Shh, shh," as she began to get agitated in his arms.

"I got you," he told her, placing her gently on the counter with the sink.

He reached for her forehead only to have his hand swatted away.

"What are you doing?" she asked, furious.

Eli shot her a soft look as he said, "I can tell that it's bothering you, come on, let me take it off," he added, reaching for her once again. Clare then shoved him away, pushing him into the edge of the tub with so much emotion that I was scared he'd fall over and hurt his head.

"NO!" she screamed as Eli stumbled.

When he recovered his footing – and didn't fall and crack his head open, thank goodness, that's the last thing I'd need right about now – she adjusted her wig herself and shot him an angry look.

"You don't get full license to do as you please with me," she said, enunciating each word angrily.

I could tell those words hurt Eli, as he just stood frozen, looking at the ground.

"I'm not...don't make me that guy, because you know I'm not. I don't treat your body like my personal playground, I respect you," he whispered back, pressing his palms into the edge of the tub as he hung on.

"Don't touch me, Eli," she gritted out in response.

"Why are you trying to hurt me? Why are you doing this?" Eli then asked, and I was glad I had stayed. They would need me, I could tell.

"I want you to go," Clare then whispered.

"Please don't say that," he softly said, and his eyes were watery now.

"Go now," she said, shoving him aside when he tried to get near her.

"No," he replied in a soft tone.

"You didn't even try!" she shouted at him. "When that stupid doctor said she wants to put more of that poison into my body, you just nodded along," she accused.

"It's not poison," Eli replied. "It's the stuff that kills the poison," he said, phrasing it simply.

"I thought you had my back, Eli, but I was wrong," she then said, taking a tube of toothpaste and squeezing it tightly.

"Clare," Eli then said, and his eyes were red.

"Don't you think _I know_?" he then said, turning around as he faced the wall and away from her. I knew why he was doing that. He didn't want her to see.

"Actually, I don't think you have the slightest idea about what I'm going through," she replied. "How dare you," she then said angrily.

"How dare you pretend like you do," she repeated as Eli's face fell.

"I'm not pretending to," he said softly. "But I do know how you feel when you reject treatment, when you...sabotage yourself. When you don't let your parents help you," he continued, and he had such a look of...frozen paralysis on his face that I knew that he was talking about something deeply personal that I didn't really know about.

I knew he had had some health troubles as the doctors figured out he was bipolar, but Clare and him separated when Eli was at his sickest and she really didn't want to talk about him whenever I asked. And when she started dating Jake I knew that Eli wasn't in the picture anymore, and from what I'm able to gather, that was the time that I think he was at his sickest.

"Don't you _dare _compare," Clare continued, throwing the tube of toothpaste into the tub. I really hope that wasn't meant to hit him, but I don't think it was. I think it was just more of a angry reaction.

"I'm not!" Eli then said, shouting, but not turning around.

"Get out," she then told him.

"You want me to go?" he asked, frozen, and I think both Clare and I realized that that question was pretty...profound. He didn't just mean leave right now and return a few hours later when the situation had diffused.

Clare stumbled, and I think the weight of her words towards him finally hit her.

"I want you to stand up for me, to fight for me," Clare pleaded.

"That's what I'm doing," Eli defended himself. "I'm protecting you from your biggest enemy – _yourself_," he said, and I knew that even if he was right, that wasn't to go over well.

"Go to hell," she gritted out. "You and your _protection_," she spat at him.

"You want me to go?" he then asked again, not moving an inch and staying turned around.

"Yes," Clare then said, sounding as sure as I had ever heard her. "Get out, Eli, and...I don't want you to bother coming back," she then said.

I actually _gasped_ – grateful that they didn't hear me, but I gasped.

It just hit me that...I didn't want this.

I _hated _this boy for existing – really, I did. I always knew some smart ass like him would waltz right in and take my daughter away from me. My smart, beautiful little girl who I watched grow up – my little Clare who would pick dandelions in kindergarten and meet me with them when I picked her up. My little girl with the beautiful bouncy curls and playful innocence and always wanting to be successful and do good – my perfect little type A studious little girl. I always knew some boy just like this – dressed in all black, quipping smartass remarks all over the place would sweep right in and ruin everything. And take her innocence away too – I know that they've spend the night together. I should be happy she's kicking him to the curb, right? I should be happy he's out of the picture. I never wanted him in it, and it took a long time for me to even acknowledge his existence. And this one – Eli – was never what I had in mind for her. No, not Eli – a boy from a rather odd home, really. A boy who dresses in black, who has a serious psychological condition that he'll never get rid of, a boy who undermines the rules that I set out for her, and boy who had premarital sex with her – he was my biggest nightmare in a lot of ways. In every way, really – Eli was what I never wanted for Clare, especially when she was so young.

So why...why do I have this strange tightening of my heart that's made me gasp? Why am I...sad that this is happening? Why am I...very sad that this is happening? I watched his eyes close painfully as he squeezed them shut and exhaled loudly. And I knew why I was sad.

Eli was..._good_. He was so good, and...he treated my daughter like a real man should treat a girl – with respect, love, support and protection. He was all of eighteen years old - ridiculous, he's so young and he thinks he knows everything about everything – but...deep down inside I knew that this boy wasn't my nightmare. He was in a lot of ways an answer to my prayers for Clare's future. As much as I might want to see him in a bad light, as much as I might want to never see him again sometimes...the reality is that...I _know. _Especially after my divorce. I know how rare boys like this are. And given Clare's other choices in the past...I think this is the time for them to be together, right now, this age, when their lives are taking directions and being shaped. He's sad that she's breaking up with him, I can tell he is. I can tell that he doesn't want this. This isn't what he wants, but he's at the end of knowing what to do.

And there's another thought that bothers me. At least this kid I know. This kid I can even get to do whatever I want, now that I know how to push his buttons. Want Eli to do something? Just tell him it's for Clare. Want him to stay or go somewhere, to do something for you? Tell him it would help you feel safer. At least him I know. And I know the bad things about him too, and...while I cannot say I like them, I can say that...none of them are really deal breakers per se.

What if she finds another one? One day she was broken up with Eli, the next she took up with Jake – not that I knew about that certainly, not until much later anyway, or I would have put the brakes on that faster than you can say stepbrother. Then she was broken up with Jake and in came Eli again. Then they fought over something or another at prom and there was another boy, I can't even remember his name, there was another one on my doorstep with a corsage.

Who knows who is next? And...those other choices were not...the most stellar ones. At least Eli I can work with.

What I really want for my daughter is a boy I can trust to look after her.

At the end of the day, that's really...all I want. Someone I can _trust_.

I trust Jake with certain things, but not...with long term relationships. He's not there yet – and here's the thing: there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I don't expect him to be – he's so ridiculously young. They're not meant to be all serious at this age – Eli is an exception, and...I think I know why.

I think Eli is an exception because...he's already lived through the worst that life has to offer. He's already lived through...death.

And I guess that...I trust him. At the end of the day, if she must be with someone – let it be Eli.

I don't think she's going to find another boy like this because they just simply aren't like this at this age. In their late twenties, maybe. But not now. And I know that she's not going to wait – she's a boyfriend kind of girl, I can tell.

And God knows who she'll find next. And now she's opened the door to...being physical too. That is the part that scares me most. Because once that door is open, it's pretty damn hard to close it. And with another boy, that thought completely terrifies me. It completely terrifies me with Eli too, but at least I know that they didn't jump into it and that they are being safe.

I don't want to...start all over again with another boy. Not when she's got a good one right here. Not when she's got an Eli.

This boy also...gave up everything to be with her. This is what he gets for giving up his dream job?

No, this can't be how it ends. It just...can't be.

They deserve a better ending than this. They've earned it.

Clare's tired voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

"I don't want you to come back..._ever_," she said in a final tone.

"So this is how it ends?" Eli asked her, and I got goose bumps at the way he almost read my mind.

"Yes," Clare said, looking away from him.

"And how...how will I know that you'll be okay," he whispered out, but he seemed to be talking more to himself than to her.

"Well, I guess you won't, now will you? But I'm sure you'll have someone spy on me," she said, and Eli sighed, sounding so exhausted.

He slowly turned around and faced her. I had never seen him looking like that – his hair was still messy, his black shirt was all wrinkly from sleeping in it, and his eyes were bloodshot, red and teary. I had seen him in that condition before, though – it was something in his eyes that I had never seen before that gave him such a strange overall look.

He looked...destroyed.

I had seen Eli defeated before, but never...never destroyed. He was very resilient, this one – he had to be, to make it through what he has been through and still have his sanity left at the end of it all. But I was afraid that resiliency was...over now.

"Go back to New York, we both know it's where you want to be," Clare said, not looking at him.

He shook his head and didn't respond.

I don't think he wanted to be in New York. I don't think he wanted to be in New York at all.

"Why...why are you breaking up with me," Eli then said, not facing her, but I could see that he was struggling with understanding the whole situation.

"Because you're making me do this...be this...cancer patient person that I'm not! I'm just not!" Clare said painfully.

"You're breaking up with me because I'm pushing for the chemotherapy Dr. Masterson wants to do? The more intense one?" he asked, obviously looking for some time of confirmation.

"You're making me do it like I'm some child," Clare said, and I could tell she was calming down a little. This was good. This was good news.

"I'm not," Eli breathed. "I'm just...so scared," he whispered, finally turning around.

"Me too," Clare allowed him as she scanned him up and down.

"So...you're scared," Eli said in a soft, gentle voice, "and...I'm scared," he finished as Clare nodded in tears.

"Uh huh," she sighed.

"Which," Eli said, his voice shaking, "which is why I thought we could do it together," he finished. "Don't you get it, Clare? I thought that...just like everything we've been through, if we do it together...maybe we won't be so scared anymore," he said, arguing his case.

"What are you saying?" she asked.

"I'll do it with you," he said, and I wasn't sure what exactly he meant.

"Huh?" Clare asked, obviously being just as confused as I was.

"I'll...I'll do it too. I'll shave my head. And I'll get the same type of chemotherapy that you're doing," Eli said.

Okay. Maybe he really is crazy. Maybe I need to take everything back that I just thought about him.

"What?" Clare asked, confused.

"I'll do it too, right now, right here," he said, reaching for the clippers and getting closer to her than he had been during their entire argument.

"Don't be stupid," Clare sighed.

But Eli had already turned the clippers on.

"Don't," she said, hitting them out of his hand. They landed in the bathtub and turned off, obviously broken. I had no idea whose they were or where they came from, but I'll just tell the hospital I'll pay for them. Surely they must be the hospital's.

"Eli," Clare sighed.

"I swear I'll fucking do it all," Eli said, and it was the first time I had ever heard that word come out of his mouth. I had to say that I didn't like it.

"You can't get chemotherapy," Clare told him, irritated. "It'll hurt you. You'll kill yourself," she said.

"No, I won't. I'll get it too," Eli said, looking so fixated on that point.

"You're not thinking clearly, you sound crazy," Clare said, and I wished she hadn't done that.

"I am crazy, don't you know," Eli bitterly said. "Or did you forget? Pretty sure you didn't," he said sarcastically. "I'm gonna tell Dr. Masterson I'm doing it too," he pushed.

"She'll never agree to that insanity – she's a doctor for crying out loud, she has ethical standards," Clare reasoned.

"Screw ethics," Eli said dismissively. "Whatever it takes. And you can do it, you know. Break up with me. But the only way you're not doing this treatment that Dr. Masterson has for you is if someone shoots me dead," Eli said, finally standing his ground.

I wanted to get up and cheer, I swear. There it is – here is comes – this is what I wanted; his resiliency.

"Clare," he said, sounding so worn out, "I don't want any of this for you. And I'm not trying to be rude or insensitive or...a monster," he faltered, "and I know that I can't compare, but...when I didn't follow my treatment, I...I...that was the darkest time of my life. Without a doubt. That...that could have been me in that greenhouse, you know. At any point during the time that I didn't do my treatment. I...I know what it's like. I know you'll never go crazy, I know you'll never do that, I know I'm all wrong, I get it, but...I am thinking clearly. This has nothing to do with my issues. I see the right thing to do and I'm gonna do it. I will make sure you get that treatment even if it's the last thing you and I do together. I am trying to do right here, I am trying to do everything I can think of to make you happy," he said softly, exhaling.

He then continued, "I...am trying. This is hard for me too. You seem to think that I take some perverse pleasure in...controlling you. It's not controlling you. I'm just trying to look after you. I'm sorry but...I can't think of the right thing to say now. I can't think of what to do to make this anger seep out of your body...to make you stop yelling at me. I...I'm tired, Clare. I...can't think," he said, sounding defeated all over again.

She just looked down at the ground as Eli continued, his voice so soft and calm – he wasn't angry, he was perfectly...calm as he was saying all of these things.

"I...I can barely stand up right now...something's happening to me and I can't...I can't stop it. I...I don't know what it is. I..so I'm sorry that I don't know how to get you out of this, I'm sorry I can't just whisk you out of this hospital when there's nothing I want more than that. I'm sorry that I can't fix this. But I'm not a doctor and I'm not God. I...can't make it better with a magic wand. I...I am trying here, okay? I...am trying. It's already made you break up with me. No matter what I do, no matter what I say...it's not right. It's made you...hate me. This whole thing has made you despise me, and...I don't know what to do," he said sighing.

When Clare didn't speak, I actually thought that was a good thing.

"You think," he continued, "that I'm totally fine with all of this. Well, I'm not. If I could meet that God of yours, I'd strangle him with my bare hands. There is no justice in the world. We can't just be laissez-faire about it. We have to fight. But...the minute you no longer want to fight with me is the minute I...I no longer know what to do. If I could trade places with you, I would...in a heart beat. That's the magical power I want to have. I want to just...lift this horrible thing away," he sighed.

"Eli," Clare then said emotionally, and what she did next made me sigh in relief.

She held out her arms, and he slowly walked towards her and embraced her, hugging her gently as she cuddled into his arms.

"Oh," I heard him sigh emotionally. "I wish so badly," Eli said with teary eyes, "that I could just...lift this away from you," he said, running his hands on top of her hair.

"Me too," she said, crying, at which point he began to cry as well.

They sat there like that, both softly crying in each other's embrace until I saw him breathe in deeply and collect his strength again.

"Clare," he breathed. "Don't do that to me again, please," he begged.

"What?" she asked, sniffling.

"Don't push me away," he begged.

"I'm sorry," she said at once.

"When you say that stuff...I believe it, you know," he told her, kissing her shoulder.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," she then sighed. "One minute I'm up, the next I'm down, I, I-" she stumbled.

"I know my love, I know," Eli said soothingly as he cuddled her a little more into his embrace as she sat on the counter while hugging him.

"I know," he said again, "Don't worry about it. I know it's hard," he added.

"I don't want you to do chemo, it'll hurt you, it's different for you, it'll kill all your white blood cells," Clare argued.

"I will do it," Eli said, like a stubborn five year old.

"You can't," Clare said as she ran her hand down his arm.

"Why not," Eli asked.

"Because if you do it..." Clare said, coming out of their embrace to look him right in his eyes – "if you do it.,..who will take care of me?" she asked innocently, tugging on his sleeve for a kiss. He obliged, and I've never seen his face shine so bright as soon as he heard those words.

And I must say...A+ to my daughter. Way to know exactly what he wants to hear – perfect, just perfect. That's the way to get that boy to do anything, really.

"You're gonna let me take care of you Edwards?" he then asked, and just like that he had switched to teasing her.

"Uh huh," she giggled as she looked up at him.

"And you're gonna do the treatment?" he asked, raising his eyebrow at her.

"Yes," she said slowly.

"You _promise_ me?" he asked, not letting her slip by.

"Yes, I promise," she replied.

"Thank you," Eli said, exhaling loudly, and hugging her gently again with his eyes closed.

"Now," he continued, "Let's get you ready for the day," he said slowly, reaching for the pink hospital gown that I knew she hated. Uh oh. I think he's got another battle coming.

"Please," he whispered, as she wrapped her legs around him.

"Okay," she said, and I watched as Eli kept his eyes only on hers as he reached behind her and slid the zipper of her dress down in a fast motion.

He then gently lifted her and she stood up, leaning on his body as he slowly slid her dress off, looking only at her eyes the whole time as Clare stepped out of the dress, leaning on him for support.

"Shh, shh, I got you, I got you," he whispered in her ear as she stood against him in just her underwear. He quickly placed the gown over her head, being careful with her wig and leaving it open for a minute. I knew I wasn't going to like what was coming next, but he handled it well.

"Almost done," I heard him whisper as he gently lifted her back up on to the counter again. His hands then gently separated the clasp at her back, careful to avoid the area of her surgery. Clare exhaled and Eli simply kissed her kiss chastely as he pulled the lacy material away from her body and placed it on the counter top.

"I love you," he whispered as he closed the ties of her robe, and Clare tearfully nodded.

"What's wrong, it's okay, it's okay," Eli said, taking her hands in his.

Clare just tearfully nodded again, not answering him, but hiding her face in his shoulder and hanging onto his shoulders with both of her arms.

"You," Eli faltered, "You don't like me touching you like this, I'm sorry, it's over now," he said in a quiet voice.

The truth of the matter was that I was the one not liking him touching her like that, but he was doing it in a very intimate but chaste, caretaker kind of way, so I let it slide. The sight of her sitting up on the counter and him hugging her as he was taking care of her actually reminded me a lot of...my mom's last days and the way dad was so good at looking after her. Except that there was no way that I would let this be my daughter's last days.

"It's not that," Clare cried, hugging him tightly as Eli gently patted her hair.

"Then what is it," he asked gently.

"I'm...scared, Eli. I know I said it before but now...I'm really, really scared. Why am I not responding to treatment properly?" she whined, and I could tell that that question killed him. I could tell that...he had been thinking of it too.

"Dr. Masterson said there's highs and lows and that we're just hitting a low right now," Eli gently said as he brushed her hair back.

"But what if we never get out of the low," Clare asked him.

"We will, we will," Eli said reassuringly as he held her hand. "We'll do the treatment and it'll all be fine," he reassured her.

"And if it's not?" she asked, breaking my heart.

"It has to be," Eli told her reassuringly as he reached for some tissues.

"Why," she asked as she rested her head on his shoulder into the hug and I watched him gently pull her out of the hug just a few seconds after he held her tight.

"Because," he told her with conviction as he gently ran the tissue underneath her eyes and down her cheek, "Because this might be a messed up world we live in, but...there has to be some measure of justice left in the world, Goddamn it," he finished, cleaning her face completely.

"I'm not gonna let that happen to you," he finished as he gently ran a wet cloth across her face, cleaning it.

When the mascara on her face from the night before smeared, I was surprised to see that he knew what to do – he reached for the small white bottle of make-up remover and gently ran more tissues across her face after placing some remover on it. He cleaned her eyes methodically, slowly, and focusing on it as if he were doing neurosurgery.

"How do you know how to do that," Clare asked, and my heart soared when she giggled. It was so great to hear her laughing, even if it was just a tiny giggle.

"Once my mom was sick, I watched my dad do it, he did everything for her when she was sad and really...just really down for while there," Eli said with a shrug.

"What was wrong with her," Clare asked absent-mindedly.

"She...she lost a baby," Eli then said, obviously very sad.

"What?" Clare asked in shock.

"I...think," Eli then said with a thoughtful look on his face. "I...I am pretty sure, actually," he said. "I was um, younger then, but I put two and two together," he said, looking down at the ground.

"What? How? What happened?" Clare asked, flabbergasted as Eli handed her the soap and she washed her hands.

"I was nine," Eli replied. "And...they never told me that they were expecting, I think, you know how if it's still early on people don't even announce it," he said, as Clare nodded.

Eli then looked at the water flowing on Clare's hands as he continued in a sad tone, "But I remember that at night, Bullfrog woke me up and told me I'd have to stay on my own for the rest of the night and into the next day because Mom wasn't feeling well and he had to take her...well, here," Eli said.

"I was scared, but Bullfrog said he'd take care of her, so I hoped everything would be okay. She came back the next night and I could just tell something wasn't right," Eli said with a heavy sigh.

"She was so..." he said, exhaling, "horribly sad. I could just tell something had happened, and she was walking like she was in so much pain," he continued, and I could tell that he still visualized that memory.

"She retreated to her and Bullfrog's room immediately and I swear she didn't come out for what I feel like was forever," Eli added. "I watched my dad worry...a lot," he sighed. "She wouldn't eat, she wouldn't talk to me when I went in there – not very much anyway, and my dad was so, so worried," he finished.

"How...how did she get better?" Clare then asked, looking up at Eli and touching his hair briefly.

"It's kind of foggy, this memory for me, because I broke my arm soon after –" he started.

"How?" Clare asked.

"Um, in a fight with this kid Mike," Eli said, obviously trying to skirt around that detail.

"You told me about him, remember," Clare said as she played with his hair again.

"Um yea," Eli said.

"What did you fight about?" Clare asked.

"Mike used to...be really mean to a friend of mine," Eli said, avoiding something again.

"Julia," Clare deadpanned. "You knew her when you were nine?" she asked and Eli just nodded.

"Anyway, when I broke my arm something in my mom snapped, and just like that she was up and walking again, and cooking, and taking care of me and such," Eli said with a shrug.

"Oh," Clare said.

"And another thing helped her a lot too, I know," Eli added.

"What?" Clare asked thoughtfully as Eli walked over to the bathtub and picked up the tube that Clare had flung in there.

"My dad," Eli said as if it were obvious.

"How?" Clare asked, grabbing her toothbrush as Eli squeezed some toothpaste onto it.

"The reason how...I clued in that she had lost a baby was that I heard him telling her they can try again, but she didn't want to, she said no more. And dad told her that all he had ever wanted was her, and that he never thought he could love her more until...until they had me," Eli said with a thoughtful smile.

"But...he never left her side," Eli continued. "Took time off work to watch her, to make sure she was okay," he said, and the way he emphasized this made me realize why he was sharing this with Clare.

He was...asking her. He was asking her to let him be what his dad was to his mom through their own crisis.

"That's so nice," Clare said as she looked up at him thoughtfully.

"Well, she let him," Eli said as Clare began brushing her teeth. "She let him," Eli emphasized again as he helped her lean over and spit out and do everything she needed to do in order to finish brushing her teeth.

It was clear as day now, and I knew Clare understood too.

"Feeling a little better?" he asked as she finished her morning routine.

"No," Clare said, dejected, and Eli soon followed with the same look of disappointment.

"What can I do," he asked. "Do you want me to get you a smoothie? Did you like that one?" he asked, obviously desperate to do something. Anything.

"No," Clare said as she looked in the mirror, completely absorbed by the reaction. "Look at me," she said slowly. "I look awful," she whined. "I don't want you to see me like this," she then said painfully.

"What?" Eli said, sounding completely surprised. "You look beautiful, I love you like this," he finished.

"What?" Clare asked in surprise.

"I love you like this – in this robe," Eli asked, widening his eyes playfully as she stared her up and down.

"Stop," she giggled as she punched his shoulder.

"No, but seriously," he then said. "I love you like this," he emphasized.

"Why," Clare muttered into the ground.

"Because this robe means you're going to do the treatment," Eli said as he hugged her tightly. "This robe means...we're on the right track. It makes me feel better, seeing you in this robe. I'm...it scares me so much, Clare, when I see you resisting the treatment...it frightens me to the core," he whispered shakily.

"All right, God," she then screamed, taking him by surprise, "I said I'd do it, what more do you want?" she said, shoving him out of the hug.

"Sorry," he said, and I could tell that he was confused.

"When is Adam coming," she then shot his way, and I had a feeling that was to punish him a little – asking about someone else coming to her, not him.

"Um, let me check the text, I think he said around lunch," Eli said, pulling out his phone from his pant pocket.

He approached her again, tried to pull her in for a hug, but she only reached for his phone, pulling it out of his hand.

"Yep, lunchtime," she read out loud.

I could tell Eli was anxious to get his phone back, however.

"What is THIS?" she then screamed.

"Nothing, nothing," Eli said nervously.

Oh no. Boys and their phones. That is how I found out my husband was cheating on me - that is all I could think of in this moment. But surely Eli wouldn't...

"I can't believe you!" Clare then yelled, and I watched in one fell swoop as she dropped his phone to the ground. The screen cracked, but Eli didn't seem to care.

"Give it back to me," Clare then said, and Eli did as she asked.

"Number one – wash your hands," she spat at him, reading off the screen. "Let her rest. Don't watch _Westdrive_," she began saying before she repeated "wash your hands" at Eli again.

"I just thought..." he began saying, but she cut him off again.

"What am I, a pariah? You can't catch cancer, Eli," she screamed at him in anger, and she got off the counter by herself, something that I could tell made Eli nervous.

"That's not what I meant," he tried to explain. How could she miss this? That really isn't what he meant, surely he was referring to the fact that-

"It's for you! To protect you! Dr. Masterson said that it people bring germs around you, because your immune system is weakened right now because of the chemotherapy, something that is no big deal to someone else could be very harmful to you! You know Adam, you know he never washes his hands!" Eli said in an urgent tone.

"I HATE YOU!" Clare then screamed as she walked to the bed and I instinctively moved more out of the doorway.

"Clare, please, not again," Eli told her.

"I think you should go for a bit," she then said after a deep breath. "You're here too much," she then shot at him, and I could tell that hurt Eli.

"I came home to be here with you, what am I supposed to do, where am I supposed to go?" Eli said, looking like a little kid.

"Go home, Eli – you still have one of those here, remember? Or are you completely checked out and only care about New York now?" she asked him as she threw his leather jacket at him.

"I'm sorry, I was just trying to help," he said.

Clare took a deep breath and said, "I know, fine, whatever Eli. Just...go away for a bit, I think you should go," she insisted.

"What can I get you for breakfast, other than the smoothie, what can I –" he began.

"Ugh! Just get out! Can't you do something for yourself and just leave me alone, please Eli, I just need a few hours. Don't do this, you know we need space sometimes," she said, and I could tell that he was still hurt, but that he seemed to go with her plan.

"I just..." he began.

"You what?" Clare asked.

"I wanted to be here for when they do the MRI and the other round of treatment, the first one of the intense kind. I just...I think I should be here," Eli said, and I agreed. I think he should be here too.

"What time is it at," he asked.

Clare just stayed quiet.

"Look, I'll just come back at that time, and...if you want me here I'll stay. If not, no harm no foul," he finally gave in.

"I guess we'll see then," Clare told him, walking over to her bed and getting under the covers.

"Um," Eli replied as he walked towards her and I knew what he wanted.

He wanted a good bye kiss.

"Bye Eli, see you later," Clare told him, upset with him, I could tell.

He looked rather disappointed to not be given a kiss.

"I'm sorry I was here too much. I...you're right about space, I...sorry," he stumbled, and I could that he did not want to leave the room until he got a hug and a kiss good bye. He didn't want to leave on a bad note.

"Uh huh," Clare nodded, turning the TV on.

Eli got a dejected look on his face, picked up his jacket and tried to straighten out his hair – he never did do his own morning routine, I just realized – and took one last look at her.

"I love you," he said as I moved further down the hall.

"Bye," was all he got in response, and as I strategically placed myself by the nurses' station, I watched him walk down the hall, his all-black form disappearing down the staircase soon enough.

**XXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

"And then he sent that e-mail then," I pointed out to Adam.

"Um, I think he...meant well," Adam said, obviously not wanting to get into the middle of this.

"Of course you'd be on his side," I scoffed.

"I'm on your side – always," Adam said with a smile. "But I think you could cut him some slack. You do know I never wash my hands, right? I mean, he kind of had a point there," Adam said, playfully trying to grab my face.

"Stop," I giggled his way. "He just annoyed me so much," I groaned in frustration.

"Well, that's Eli for you," Adam said with a sarcastic smile. "He really is an annoying dude," he added.

"Whatever," I shrugged and smiled as Drew came in with flowers.

"Thank you," I told him, admiring the pretty sunflowers.

"No space," Drew said.

"Toss out the pink roses," I told him, as they were the oldest ones there.

"The ones from Eli? You sure?" Drew said with a frown as he read the card.

"They're old," I said, as if to explain that I really didn't mean anything by it – I didn't, really. They were just old.

"Um, I can do that," Adam volunteered, and I saw him move the vase in the bathroom but never surface with it after. I guess he just left it in there.

"Dude, did you wash your hands," I heard Drew call out to him and that only made me more mad.

"Stop it," I told Drew as Adam said something about how his mom needed him and that he had already reached the time limit she had set out for him.

"I can stay," Drew said with a shrug. "If I go home, my mom is gonna make me do chores," he then added.

"Great, I guess even I win over chores," I said sarcastically.

"Awwm , my little veep," Drew said teasingly. "Let's watch TV – MMA's on," he added, commandeering the remote control and actually making me watch that stupid thing.

**XXXXXXXXXX Cece's POV**

"Oh, he's here," I said to my husband, trying to not make my voice sound so desperate.

"Hey, baby boy," I said to Eli as he walked in the door.

"You look like you're just been to Tough mudder, Coachella and Big River all in a row in one day," was what my husband chose to say to our son after taking one glance at him. My response to that was a very angry look my husband's way.

"Oh, baby boy, come here, you need to change, you need to have a shower, you need to eat-" I began renumerating, but as Eli looked up he just held his hand up and said, "No, just...no. I'm tired," and he walked right by us and retreated to the now very empty room.

My husband and I exchanged glances that said "No way he's getting away with just that".

A few moments later, we were in Eli's room, and my heart broke when I saw him sitting in the corner of the bed, cowered under the covers, his eyes wet and red. This...was about ten huge steps back. Here he was in his high school room that had so many less things in it now, and he was...totally adrift again.

"Eli," his dad said as he sat down by him. "I know you don't want to talk, but your mom and I are worried," Bullfrog said as I held onto Eli's arm.

"I'm fine," was all he offered.

"Did...maybe you and Clare have a fight?" I suggested, afraid to hear the answer to that question.

"I...just leave me alone, please," Eli said, trying to hide under the covers.

"Eli, you're not a little boy anymore. You don't get to hide under the covers anymore," my husband sighed. He was right.

"I don't know...what to do for her. Nothing I do is right, she always ends up mad. She spends all this energy getting mad at me, energy she needs. And now...she won't let me be there for her treatment," he said, and I knew that last thing was hurting him more than anything. That was it. We had found the root of the problem pretty quickly.

I saw Bullfrog falter and I knew this was my turn now.

"Eli," I said thoughtfully as I pushed his brown hair back, "let me tell you a story, okay?" I asked, taking a deep breath.

"Once, when you were a little boy still, I got...really sick. Your dad and I...we...we wanted you to have someone to play with, you were always such a sensitive, bit of lonely child. We thought...we'd like another baby," I began, knowing I was going to be unable to stay composed throughout this. But dammit, he needed to hear it.

"I know...I know...what happened," he said, and I gasped. I shot a look of pure anger at Bullfrog and he held up his hands defensively.

"I didn't tell him," my husband said.

"I'm not stupid," Eli then piped up. "Mom, we don't have to talk about it. It's too sad," Eli said as I watched a tear roll out of the corner of his eye and transfer to his pillow.

"For a long time...I didn't want your dad there," I confessed and I knew that surprised him. He had probably missed that part of the story.

"But he never left. If he had, I would have been devastated. I just didn't know that I wanted him there, you see. But he was always there, just in case," I told him as I held my husband's hand.

"She threw me out of her room," Eli then whispered in pain.

"Right," Bullfrog said. "So wait down the hall, in the chair, or somewhere, wherever, just...outside the room," Bullfrog advised.

"You think I should?" Eli said, standing up as fast as a lightning flash.

"Yes," his dad said.

"And if she's mad," I added, "just wait outside. But...be there, Eli...just in case she changes her mind. I just...I needed time. But the minute I was ready, your dad was there, and that's what made all the difference," I told him.

"I'm going," he said, getting out of bed now. "Back," he added.

"Just change first, baby boy," I told him. "And brush your hair, and teeth, you have to keep good hygiene around Clare, she's sick, you don't want to give her anything," I advised him and he closed his eyes painfully.

"Yep," he said, as he headed into the bathroom.

It broke my heart to give him that advice when all I wanted was for him to stay.

**XXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

I was so…tired. Tired of the word cancer. Scared. Terrified. I want…out. I want out. I don't want this anymore. I want to blink it away. I want to go bed and wake up without cancer.

_Every second that I spend in this hospital, I feel like…I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't. I can't. _

"And he just thinks he always knows what's best for me," I confessed, hoping Drew would be a little more mature than his usual self.

"Yeah, tell me about it, I have so many people in my life like that," he said with a shrug. I was so happy he understood.

"He never listens to me," I added in frustration.

"That's not cool," Drew supplied.

"I know, right? Like, I told him all I want to do is leave the hospital," I tried to explain.

"He didn't take you?" Drew asked.

"No!" I replied. I mean – even _Drew_ understood.

"You can go out, right?" he then asked.

"I'm perfectly capable, yes," I answered, playing on the two meanings of that word – I knew he'd never catch on.

"Well, anytime you want to Ms. Veep, I need some major help at Degrassi summer camp, those kiddies are so fun but they drive me wild," he said.

"Kids?" I asked.

"Uh huh," Drew nodded.

"I bet they're really fun and stuff, and...full of life," I said thoughtfully.

"Sure are," Drew replied.

"I want to be there too," I burst out.

"Don't you have some big appointment coming up?" Drew asked with a raised eyebrow.

"In three hours," I pointed out. "Please, Drew, please take me," I just about begged.

"Um, I don't know if that's such a good idea, won't your mom get mad?" he asked.

"No, no, I want to go, I'm supposed to relax. That will relax me," I told him.

"I don't know," he hesitated.

"You and I are supposed to be a team, come on, it will be good practice for next year," I tried to persuade him.

"Won't Eli kill me?" Drew then asked.

I couldn't believe he just asked that. "Ugh, just forget about Eli! He does not command my life," I pointed out.

"Dude, I'm just saying if I were you and Bianca had told me to stay put, I'd sure as hell be listening," Drew said.

"Well you're not," I told him. "Come on, please," I told him, and I started to get emotional. I was so close! Just a few hours outside, I needed to feel the fresh air. He had to understand. I was so, so close and I had to go it!

"Drew, come on, please," I begged him, and I felt the tears coming on at this point. "Please, I'm begging you," I finally said, looking up at him in tears. "I need this," I told him.

"Fine," he finally caved, "just one hour. Get dressed," he said as he went outside the room.

And for the first time in a long time, I felt...happy.

I kicked the MRI clipboard aside. Screw the test. Screw the new treatment. I need a day off.

**XXXXXXXXXXXX Helen's POV**

"_Excuse me_?" I shrieked at the nurse. "What do you mean _you can't find her_?" I asked.

I knew I shouldn't have left when Eli wasn't here either - _I knew it_! But I thought Clare's friend Adam would keep a good eye on her.

"My sixteen year old daughter was under your care in this hospital. I suggest you find her right now, or I will have the police swarm this entire hospital and tell all the papers what kind of a mess you're running here," I threatened as I paced up and down the room.

"We have already called the police ma'am," the nurse told me. "But it's policy to wait 48 hours before looking for her," she explained, and I felt my knees shaking.

_This could not be happening. _

_This could not be happening. _

_Why isn't she answering her phone? _

A police man in a uniform came in to confirm what the nurse just told me, and the running footsteps that I later heard turned out to be Dr. Masterson.

"Something's wrong," she kept saying. "This is weird, this is weird. Check the security footage – right now," she told the police man.

"Ma'am, it's our policy," he began.

"I know your policy," Dr. Masterson said, "but if something happens to this girl that you could have prevented and you chose not to waste ten minutes of your precious time – it couldn't have been long ago that she went missing, check the footage," she finished, and just as she said "footage," I saw a pale-faced Eli walk in holding a green smoothie.

He took one look at the officer and the smoothie hit the ground.

"What happened," he asked in a dry voice.

I quickly filled him in on the situation and watched his face get whiter and whiter as he kept muttering "We have to find her, we have to find her, we have to find her".

He called his friend Adam who only said that he went home at his mother's request, which caused Eli to hang up quickly.

His hands were shaking and he looked like such a fright – we all did.

"No," he then said, "this isn't happening. Think, think, think, she left her phone here, can't call, gotta look," he muttered to himself.

"_This is my fault_!" he then said, looking in horror at me.

"Not your fault, Eli," I told him, knowing he'd never believe that anyway.

"We need to make a plan," I told him.

"We gotta find her, look everywhere," Eli finished.

"Dr. Masterson," a nervous intern then said, "surgery in fifteen minutes, you have to scrub in," he reminded her.

"Cancel it," she said.

"Dana has been waiting four months for a spot," her nervous intern said in shock.

When she held up her hands at her intern, I knew why she had to cancel her surgery.

They were shaking. And a surgeon's hands can never be shaking.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

"Yes, exactly," I told the little girl in my group as I handed her a dandelion.

"So pretty," she said, beaming up at me. This is what I need. Just...some time off, I thought to myself as I felt the sun's warm rays on my face.

"Clare, time to go back," I heard Drew's stern voice tell me.

"Okay," I told him, but the next time he got distracted by a camper, I...just a little walk, I thought. Just a few more minutes.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Eli's POV**

"She took a pink wig," I told everyone. "That's the one that's missing, right, Imogen?" I shouted at my friend, who recoiled in fear.

"Yes," she said.

I could feel my whole body shaking, but if there's one thing I know is that I _can't _just stand in this room and wait.

"Where are you going, Eli?" I heard her mom ask me.

"You stay here, in case she comes back," I instructed her. "I'm going to look for her," I said. "If the police won't, I will," I told her mom. It was my only option.

_I had to find her. I had to find her. _

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Drew's POV**

Where did she go?

_Oh, this was not good. Not good_. Adam's gonna be pissed at me. My parents are gonna be pissed at me.

_Eli is actually going to kill me. Like, he will actually slice my head off. _

I should call, right? To let him know what happened? But..I kind of want to find her first, I need to find her, because I can't call her mom and Eli and say that I took her out of the hospital and now I have no idea where she is. I just...I can't do that.

_Dammit, where did she go?_

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

_Just a little time off. They won't notice_, I told myself.

_Come on, walk a little farther. I've been down this alley so many times_, I told myself.

I was...nauseous.

_Just a few more steps_, I thought foggily. Why was everything so white?

I made it to the garbage can, but when I leaned over to throw up, I found that I could only cough instead.

And...I coughed up _blood_.

Nothing else.

Just blood.

I stared at the thick, dark liquid and felt fear over take me.

But this was not like my recent fear.

It made me think one thing and one thing only.

"I want Eli," I whispered to myself.

Where was Drew? Why had I not taken my phone?

What have I done, I thought to myself. What have I done? Of course he's looking for me. They must be worried sick about me right now.

_I have to go back. _

_I have to. _

_But I can barely stand up. _

_I don't have my phone with me. _

"Drew," I whispered out, meaning for that to be a scream.

"Clare, what the hell," I finally heard his voice, and I felt him pick me up.

I didn't like it. He felt...huge, burly, different.

I didn't want _him_.

I wanted Eli.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Helen's POV**

"My poor baby," I cried as the boy I somewhat recognized looked at me, ashamed.

"Who are you?" I asked him, furious. "And what on Earth possessed you to do such a thing?" I asked him, wanting nothing more than to slap the living daylights out of him.

"I'm...Clare and I are school presidents together," he stumbled out.

"Lord help that school," I said sarcastically. "Do you even _realize_ what you did today? Do you know my daughter could have _died_?" I shouted at him as Dr. Masterson nodded as a sign that her medicine had worked and she had induced a gentle sleep in Clare in order to make sure she conserved her energy.

The policeman left, as did all the medical staff, and a frozen Eli was left standing in the room with us. His eyes looked like they were from another planet and I knew that at some point I'd have to call his parents. That was it – Eli was done for. I could tell.

"I am so sorry ma'am, I had no idea it was so serious," the punk tried to tell me.

"I can't believe this, just get out," I told him.

"I'm sorry ma'am," he apologized.

I could tell that he was scared to walk by Eli – and I didn't blame him. If looks could kill, this boy would be dead a long time ago.

"Dude," he said, and Eli just stared at him coldly. "I'm so sorry, I screwed up," he said, but Eli just stared at him frozen.

"Eli, dude, I just wanna say it was never anything weird, just...as friends, I wanted to do something for her as friends," he then began saying, and I really thought that was the worst thing to tell Eli right now.

"Get out," was all Eli said, in a strong whisper.

"I'm sorry," Drew repeated again. "Please don't be mad at me like this," he said.

"If you think even one of my brain cells is focused on anything else but Clare right now, you're mistaken. Bye," Eli sternly said.

**XXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV  
**

"Oh, I'm so sorry mom, for scaring you," I whined painfully as soon as I woke up.

"Clare," I said, and I began to cry as I held her in my arms. "Don't you ever do that again," I told her.

"I won't, I won't," she promised. "Where's Eli? I remember him being here when Drew brought me back," she said.

The look on her face when she scanned the room again and didn't see him was of pure...heartbreak.

"He's not here?" she asked painfully.

"He's here," I reassured her at once.

"Where? Why doesn't he want to see me?" she asked.

"I asked to see you first," I told her.

"No, I'm first," I then heard a voice say as the door slammed shut.

I could tell Clare was disappointed that it wasn't Eli. It was Dr. Masterson, and the entire...air about her was different.

She was wearing a posh pair of black dress pants and a beautiful blue blouse underneath her doctor's coat – she looked so glamorous even after the many tears she shed for Clare.

"I'm first," she said, slamming her clipboard down on the table and making Clare jump at the sound.

"Clare," she said, "this is not how I work," she said, and I could tell Clare was surprised to have her normally kind and friendly doctor be so short with her.

"This is not how I work. Do you have any idea of the fright you gave your mother? Of the thousands of dollars of hospital resources that were spent looking for you? Of the police officers who were looking for you? Do you have any idea how you made everyone feel?" she said, and I could tell Clare was in for it.

"Do you know that you could have died! Look around you Clare – these are all things I need – a crash cart in case your heart rate drops, paddles to put the electricity in your body, my entire surgical team! All these things I need to help you, and all a school camp has is a first aid kit! Not to mention, you exposed yourself to so much bacteria, I'm going to have some major cleansing on you. Do you even understand?" she continued.

"You listen to me," Dr. Masterson said. "I had an eight year old leukemia patient who had been waiting four months to be flown in from BC to see me – just me!" she shouted. "And she missed her surgery because my hands were shaking because I was terrified for you! What do I tell her parents, Clare? What?" Dr. Masterson asked.

"Now I know you're scared, but you crossed a line. Today other people were hurt because of you, and you'd better start taking this seriously. I am not going to be your doctor anymore if I have to fight you for treatment. That is not how I operate with patients, and I am not going to do it. You can get another doctor," she deadpanned.

"I...I want _you_," Clare muttered out.

"Then you'd better do everything I tell you from now on," Dr. Masterson said.

"I promise," Clare replied, her face white. "What about...the little girl?" she then asked.

"Clare, surgeries like that – take me tens of hours to do, and an entire team needs to be co-ordinated. I am going to do it tonight, thank God that a team was still available – but you have no idea how rare that is," she then finished. "No more playing games, Clare, I mean it. You were my favourite patient and then you go and run away," she said strictly.

"I wanted a break!" Clare then said.

"You want a break? By all means, take one – walk around, go to the garden, do something on this floor – but you do not run away," Dr. Masterson told her.

"Let that be the last time I have to yell at my favourite patient," she then said, breaking out in a smile that I could tell put Clare at ease.

"Where's Eli?" she then asked Dr. Masterson.

"Hm. Eli," Dr. Masterson said, and I could tell Clare was worried. "We..." Dr. Masterson said, "we have to talk about him," she said.

"I know he's been here lots and stayed nights and stuff but I want him, I need him, please, please," she begged. Now all she seemed to want to do was see Eli.

"I don't...I don't think you should Eli right now," Dr. Masterson deadpanned.

"What? You can't keep me from my boyfriend? He helps me, he doesn't hurt me, I need him!" Clare begged.

"Clare...Eli...I want to ask you something about him," Dr. Masterson said as she sat down on the bed.

"What?" Clare asked.

"Is Eli...I got a chance to observe him when we were all freaking out over you," Dr. Masterson said gently. "Is Eli...I thought...I think, well I thought, and then I checked really, but...Eli has...his nervous system...something I don't know, he...it was on overcharge," she explained. "Eli has a disorder, doesn't he," she gently said.

"He's bipolar," Clare quickly answered. "Why isn't anyone telling me where he is? Oh my God," Clare then heaved.

"He's okay, right?" she asked. "Where is he? Oh God, I feel so awful at not knowing where he is, tell me, tell me! I can't believe I did this to him," she said.

"He's okay," Dr. Masterson said with a soft smile. "He's...well, he's just a very sick boy right now," Dr. Masterson gently said.

"What? I want to see him! Where is he! Take me to him, take me to him," she pleaded.

"Now, he's okay, he's okay. I...I asked that your mom see you first, no one else," the doctor explained.

"I want Eli!" Clare shouted.

"I don't think he's the best thing for you right now," Dr. Masterson said.

"You can't keep us apart!" Clare screamed.

"Clare, Eli's not okay," I finally said. This was getting ridiculous. She had to know. "Dr. Masterson gave him a shot, because he wouldn't shop these awful tremors...after we found you. Not now. After we found you, they began. He's sleeping," I told her.

"He'll be up soon," Dr. Masterson said.

"Oh God," Clare said, crying and closing her eyes. "I did this," she said.

"No," I told her gently. "Just let him be. He's just getting some sleep, he needs it. You need to give him a present, though, when he wakes up," I said.

"What?" she asked.

'When he wakes up, you can tell him you've finished your first treatment. He can't be here for it, and we're doing it now," I told her.

"I want him there!" Clare tried to say.

"Well, that was the plan, but he can't be," I told her. "Clare, think of how happy he'll be to hear you did it. Up we go," I told her.

"Not an option anymore," Dr. Masterson said. "You're doing it," she added.

I could tell that Clare wanted him there as I watched her do her chemotherapy. I could tell she was dying on the inside without him.

When she finished, all she said was,

"I'd like to see him," but I did not allow her.

I had seen him. He looked awful. I couldn't let her see that.

She fell asleep for the night soon after. I got special permission to stay, and she tossed and turned the entire night.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

I opened my eyes and began sobbing right away at the sight in front of me.

_Oh God_, there he was – sitting on my bed in a black T-shirt and his black jeans.

He leaned down to kiss me with a bright smile and teary red eyes.

I met his lips before he could meet mine.

"Clare," he sighed emotionally as I jumped into his arms.

"I was really worried about you yesterday," he said, and I felt it.

Oh God, I could feel it. The shaking. He was so skinny all of a sudden – when did he get so skinny? And the awful tremors would rock his body every three seconds, like clockwork.

"I'm so so sorry, I can't even think of how I could do that to you," I told him. "I can't believe you still love me after that, it was so bad," I told him, surprised to see him here.

"I'll always love you," he said, holding me tighter as another tremor overtook him.

"Eli...stop shaking," I told him.

"I can't," he said, and his bright smile seemed so...out of place. "Don't sweat it. I'm sorry I missed your first treatment," he said as we separated from the hug.

"Did it hurt?" he asked.

"I'll survive," I told him. "Stop shaking," I told him again.

"I can't," he said with another bright smile.

"Dr. Masterson said she gave you medicine for that," I argued.

"Doesn't work," Eli said with another bright smile. He was beginning to scare me now.

"Oh God, why won't it stop?" I cried.

"It'll stop, don't worry," he said apologetically. "Can I stay with you today?" he asked, and I hated the formal way in which he asked that.

"There's nowhere else I'd rather have you be!" I cried at him as I pulled him onto the bed and cuddled into him.

"I am so sorry," I repeated again.

"Do you know that...the last thing you said to me before you disappeared...I said 'I love you' and you said 'bye'. I can still see it in my head," he said, and he looked severely disturbed at that thought.

"But I'm okay – I'm here," I tried to tell him, kissing him again.

"Hey," I started again, "I love you," I said and he said it back right away – but there it was again, a tremor.

"Eli," I said, now extremely worried.

"It'll stop," he said nonchalantly. "Promise me you'll _never _do that again," he whispered as he kissed me, a deep kiss full of longing and sadness.

"I promise. I'll be good, I swear, I'll do the treatments," I told him.

He just nodded, obviously sick of that particular fight.

"You don't believe me," I calmly told him.

"I do, I do believe you. You came back to the hospital for a reason," he pointed out, and he was right – because I was scared. Because the sight of that blood made me want to come back; I wanted to do the right thing and the hospital was the right thing.

"Please, please forgive me," I pleaded, hanging onto him tightly.

"Already have, Clare, already have," he said, squeezing me gently, but the next tremor scared me even more. "Clare…the treatment," he then repeated.

"For you, I'll do it for you," I cried.

"No…it can't be for me, not just for me," he said as he held my hand tightly. "You have to want to do it for yourself," he said looking me right in the eyes and placing a kiss on my temple.

"I do, Eli, I do want to," I assured him.

"That's good. That's really, really good," he said, and I pulled my body up for a kiss. This was a much better kiss – slow and confident, and both of our bodies trembled into it. It felt…so good to be in his arms again.

"I promise I'll never scare you like that again. I just wasn't thinking straight," I tried to explain.

"Clare, if you do that again…." He said, and I could tell he was struggling with this. "I…I don't think I could survive. Those moments…when we couldn't find you – were without a doubt the worst thing that I have lived through in my entire life. Out of everything, Clare. Everything," he said with a deep-impacting finality.

"I'm so, so sorry," I repeated, clasping his hands in mine and kissing them again and again.

"I know, it's okay, I'm just so glad you're safe, I'm so glad you're okay," he told me, giving me another kiss, a long, slow, loving kiss.

When his phone vibrated and I saw its broken screen, I murmured another, "Sorry," and Eli just kissed it away.

"Who is it?" I asked.

"New York number, I don't recognize it though," Eli said with a confused look on his face.

"Answer, get it, get it," I encouraged him.

"Hello," he said, listening to me.

"Hello, is this Eli Goldsworthy?" a serious-sounding male voice asked at the other end.

"Yes, it's me," Eli replied.

"Hello Eli, my name is George, I'm with NYU Legal," I heard, and Eli nodded.

"Oh, yes, um, my boss told me you might be calling me," Eli said, and I finally realized – this was it. The scholarship call. Oh God, please don't take it away from him. He deserves it.

"Yes, he informed us of your situation," I heard at the other end.

"So, you're a lawyer," Eli said, hanging his head a little. I knew he had said that…if it got passed onto the lawyers, it wasn't good.

"Yes Sir. I am here to discuss your situation….a most unfortunate situation. Eli, unfortunately it's a breach of contract. We encourage you to apply for the scholarship again next year," I heard. No. No. No.

"I heard if you do that they don't like it; it's like I took up two scholarship spots over two years," Eli replied.

"That is an opinion, yes," I heard the lawyer reply.

"Eli, does this affect your acceptance decision?" I heard the lawyer continue in a professional voice.

"No!" I whispered to him.

"It might. It…does," Eli replied, shooting me a sad look and mouthing "It's okay".

"In that case, do let us know as soon as possible, the university needs to know because they can offer your spot to one of the students on the waiting list," the lawyer said.

"Will do," Eli said with a sad smirk, and he quickly hung up.

"Oh, Eli," I sighed emotionally.

"Clare…honestly, in light of what I lived yesterday looking for you…I wasn't even sad answering that phone call. I just felt….numb," he explained. "Screw NYU. Screw it all for the time being. I don't care, screw it. You're here, you're safe, you're gonna do the treatment," he said, squeezing me gently.

I saw his eyes redden and flood with tears as he continued, "It all seems so…stupid now, so puny. I hate it – I hate it all. I hate…NYU," he whispered. "I hate…that lawyer, and I hate the rules, and I hate…screw it all. I don't care about anything anymore. As long as you do your treatment, nothing else matters," he repeated, kissing me with tears running down his face.

"Eli, no," I told him.

"Clare, I can't talk about this until after your treatment. I just…can't," he said. "Please, all I want is…after yesterday, all I want is to see your do your treatment. I don't want all that other stuff anymore. Any of it. Fuck NYU," he whispered, closing his eyes painfully.

"We're gonna talk about this after my treatment, in the meantime don't you dare give your spot away," I told him, moving the hair out of his face.

The door then flew open and I was faced with a smiling Dr. Masterson coming in with another doctor who I had never seen before. I could tell that he was a doctor, doctor, not one of the many interns or residents who were learning from Dr. Masterson. There was just…something about him, an air of….authority. He just seemed…so….in charge. He looked to be about the same age as Dr. Masterson, and he had green eyes and bright red hair and red scruff. He had an amazing posture. They…looked really good together, I thought to myself.

"My favourite patient," Dr. Masterson beamed at me. "Clare, blood work looks really great. I wanted to stop by after my surgery to tell you in person. I know the new treatment is so much more aggressive on your body, but it's working wonderfully so far. I'm so happy," she said with a huge smile.

"Me too," I said as I burrowed into Eli's embrace.

"This is Dr…" Dr. Masterson paused, "this is Dr. Masterson," she finished.

I shot her a huge smile.

"Your husband?" I asked and she nodded with red cheeks.

I giggled and said, "I knew it!" and Eli cuddled me deeper in his arms, and I knew it was because I laughed and he liked to see that.

"I've heard a lot about you young lady – you're a fighter," he said as he looked at me. He was really so handsome.

"Thank you," I replied.

"I asked my husband to help me today," Dr. Masterson explained. "But no with you, Clare, you're doing really well so far. Do you see," she then said as she pointed to Eli as his body shook again.

The male Dr. Masterson nodded thoughtfully.

"What's going on?" Eli asked, and I could tell he was embarrassed.

"Eli…I need help, a second opinion. I never did more than one neuro rotation, I don't…I don't know enough," she said.

"I told you it'll pass," Eli stubbornly said.

"My husband is also…Corporal Masterson. He was a medic for the U.S. Marines, spent five years in Iraq and Afghanistan. He operates….differently than me. I need my MRI machine, while my husband makes an operating table out of an armoured card door," my doctor said.

"It's an honour to meet you, Sir," Eli then said, being polite. "But what does this have to do with me?" he then asked, as he tried to face his face in my shoulder.

"He's seen this before," Dr. Masterson said and I looked up at her. I wanted her to help Eli. I wanted them to help Eli.

"Huh?" Eli asked.

"I have," he replied, approaching Eli. "There it is," he whispered and just as he said that, I felt Eli's body shaking again.

"When did the traumatic event end," he then said quietly, and I could tell that that was directed at his wife.

_Traumatic event. _

"Last night, she came back at seven," Dr. Masterson said.

"Hm. Long time ago," the red-haired doctor said, placing his hand on Eli's shirt and lifting it up.

"Woah, hands off," Eli said at once.

"Stand down, boy, and let me fix it," the military surgeon then said, and it took me aback how…Eli listened to him as if he was an uniformed soldier.

"I gave him a sedative and a muscle relaxant," Dr. Masterson then said. "Last night," she added.

"It didn't work," her husband said, shaking his head.

"See, now I thought he stopped for a bit," she said, looking dejected.

"Nope," her husband said with a sigh.

"But if the traumatic event is over, why isn't he stopping?" Dr. Masterson asked, and I was happy she did because I didn't want to ask but I really needed to know the answer to that question too.

"Trauma is complicated," the army surgeon sighed. "There's no one reason, I can't be certain. But I've seen this before," he said.

"Explain it to us," Dr. Masterson said as she hung onto her husband's arm.

"The biggest difference between trauma and regular injuries is…very significant. To you this looks like just shaking, like another neurological condition. It's not just neurological, and the reason he isn't stopping is…because trauma doesn't function in the _past_; you can't keep it in the past. The traumatic event might be over, but it's not over for him. He's still living it – for him it's very much the _present_. I hope I'm explaining well. It's _not over_ for him – this is why he still has the tremors. He's reliving the past in the present," the army surgeon said.

"I see," Dr. Masterson said.

"Eli," her husband then said, "I need you to come back to the present, boy," he instructed, looking Eli right in the eyes as he watched another tremor cross his body.

"I'm trying," was all Eli said, and those words…told me that Dr. Masterson's husband was right…and Eli knew it. It was as if they were communicating on a different level than the rest of us, like they had a secret.

"You need to try _harder_ boy," the army doctor said in a command-like voice. "You're slipping, soldier," he then snapped.

"Easy does it," I then saw Dr. Masterson say as she held her husband's hand. "He's not a soldier," she said gently.

"Well, you've gotta be," the army surgeon told Eli.

"Can't we do something for him?" my doctor pleaded.

The army general shook his head. "He needs to resurface on his own," he added.

"I'm fine," Eli said with a laugh.

"Really," he added, but another tremor overtook him.

"He needs to rest and he needs to stay calm. If it continues for ridiculously long – more than another day – it's bad. It's possible that…he might never stop," Dr. Masterson's husband said.

"Okay, okay," she gently said. "Eli, please try to rest like my husband suggested," she added. "Clare, don't worry," she then said, "we'll help him".

"We need to rest, yes," I said, taking charge now.

"We'll be out of your way," Dr. Masterson said.

Once they left, I made Eli lie down with me, holding me, and I pulled the blanket over us.

"Clare, that was crazy – that military doctor was just projecting stuff onto me," Eli said with a laugh that I saw right through.

"Don't worry, I'm just…I'm just cold," he said, obviously making that up. I wanted to yell at him.

But "Shh, shh," was all I said. "Let's sleep a bit, nice and warm," I told him as I cuddled into him and kissed his lips quickly.

"Eli," I then whispered, and I grabbed his hand and placed it on my chest.

"Mmhm?" he asked.

"Can you feel my heartbeat?" I asked him and he nodded.

"Let's play a game, okay? I want you to go…three heartbeats without a tremor," I told him, and he did it to please me.

He could do three easily.

"Now five," I told him with a smile. "If you can do it, your reward is a kiss," I told him.

He did it.

"Now ten," I upped the ante.

He couldn't do it.

"Seven," I told him, giving him a kiss anyway.

"Eight," we then advanced.

"Ten," I tried again, and he finally did it.

"Kiss," he then said with a smirk as he squeezed me.

"Only because you earned it," I teased him and I obliged.

"Now sleep," I told him, because I could feel his entire body more relaxed now.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

"Mmmm you had a shower," I murmured as I felt his good morning kiss on my lips.

"Uh huh," he nodded, and I saw that he had put on a fresh pair of clothes as well.

"You look great," I praised him, and he helped me with my morning routine again, except this time with no progress.

But he was still shaking, and that terrified me completely.

"Eli," I then said, "I want you to stay for second treatment and hold me," I then told him. "But you can't hold me if you shake, you'll move the catheter and hurt me," I said, using my last desperate weapon.

"I….don't think I should hold you, but I'd love to stay and hold your hand," he said in a soft voice as he carried me to the bed and gently laid me down on it.

"No, you have to hold me, because I need you," I said. "So please stop the shaking," I told him as we prepared for my treatment.

"I…am trying," he said in a small voice.

"I'm here now…I'm not missing anymore," I told him. "Please stop reliving that moment, please bring yourself to the present like the doctor said," I begged.

"I'm trying," he softly repeated.

"Let's get ready now," I said as the nurse entered.

"Clare….no," Eli gently whispered.

"I need you," I said urgently, "Come on," I said, as I pulled him behind me, and I settled into his embrace on the bed.

"No shaking," I whispered, as I intertwined the fingers of both of our hands and rested them on my hips.

I held my breath while the catheter was inserted, and I felt Eli's kisses on my shoulders the entire time that I had the treatment.

"See, you did it," I told him with a proud smile. _Thank you God, thank you. _

"I. I'm okay," Eli assured me.

"I know you are. Because I need you," I told him. "Every day," I emphasized.

**XXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

It was hard. Very hard. The new treatment. It was my fifth day and it already felt like it had been five months.

"Thank you, so yummy," I said after I finished the three chocolate strawberries that Eli had brought me after lunch.

"Hmm, she really should be eating only her hospital meals now, Eli, please," Dr. Masterson said with a glare his way.

"It's just some strawberries," he defended himself.

But….she was right. I didn't even want to eat them; I had no appetite. But…he had gone to all the trouble to get them, and they were expensive too, and it made him happy to be able to do things for him, so I ate them anyway.

We snuggled into bed together though, and that's when I felt it. It was coming up faster than I could control it, and I ended up…throwing up on him. Again.

"Oh God," I heaved as Eli held back my wig and gently ran his hand in circles down my back. He had reached for the bucket by my bed now and I was amazed that he pulled me in close and whispered, "Shh. Get it all out, don't stop, get it all out". He was kissing my temple as he held me for a few minutes until I was done.

"My fault, Clare. I'm sorry," he then said with such a heartbroken look. "We'll respect the meal rule from now on," he said.

"You can still get her the smoothies, those are good," Dr. Masterson said before she left the room.

Eli then grabbed a washcloth and cleaned my face. He then retreated to the washroom, showered, and emerged in a fresh pair of clothes.

We had fallen into a routine, the two of us. My treatments were always at ten thirty, so he'd wake me up an hour before and take me through my morning routine, changing me out of my pyjamas and into my robe, always so chastely yet intimately.

He'd then cuddle me in bed until the nurse came, and he'd hold me during the treatments; I leaned my head against his body.

They always left me exhausted, so we usually napped after; or I did, anyway. He wasn't as exhausted as me; so he usually just held me while I slept. He'd then wake me up for lunch and watch me eat while he'd eat a sandwich his parents brought by or something my mom bought him.

After lunch was always when he'd plan something for the day, a movie, reading out loud from a book or magazine for me, playing Scrabble or something like that, and I usually lasted for a few hours before feeling tired again. I slept a lot, and always in his arms because I liked it better that way.

He'd gently wake me up for dinner again, and I'd go to bed for the night very soon after dinner, again in his arms. Everyone had given in; the doctors, the nurses, my mom – everyone knew he slept here, and in his defense he really did nothing else but sleep by my side, or with me in his arms. I was so tired that the days turned into a blur, and I'd often throw up. I stopped trying. I threw up in that bed and on Eli more times than I could count until finally they found a diet that wasn't so bad. He'd never complain. He'd never even flinch. All he'd do was hold me as close as possible – despite the awful smell, and say the same words over and over again. "Get it all out and you'll feel better. All out, don't hold back. Don't hold back". I did as he said, time and time again.

Then came the day when I let him…take off my wig. I was so tired and it was so hot, so when he slipped it away, I let him. He kissed my forehead and my entire face and told me over and over again that I was so beautiful. Some things changed from day to day; one day I'd feel better the next I'd feel so much worse. The only thing that didn't change was Eli holding me and telling me I am beautiful. He never faltered. Once I let him, he stood by my side the entire time. After the day with the wig, I began to be able to stay up longer; I now followed an almost normal schedule, and I didn't feel the need to go to bed to early.

It was just a few days after that that I remember it…the day that I'll never forget.

Dr. Masterson and her husband both came. I'll never forget it.

"Clare, the cancer is entering remission. It's a complete response – we can't detect it on any X-rays, or CAT scans or MRIs anymore," was what Dr. Masterson said, with the biggest smile on her face.

It was nothing compared to the look on my mom and Eli's faces though.

And for the first time in a long time…I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.

I felt happy again. And that night, Eli took me to the rooftop for dinner again – he set up the whole thing again, except without a movie this time, because he knew I couldn't hold out that long.

As he gently carried me to bed that night, I whispered in his ear, "I love you," so overwhelmed with emotion for the way that he stood by me. I should have never let that girl's comment get to me – this was Eli, my Eli, and he treated me…like a real man should.

"I love you too," he whispered slowly as he adjusted the blankets around us, "And we're almost done sweetheart," he added as I cuddled into this hug. "We made it. We're almost done," he repeated, and I giggled into his arms at those words.

"I'm starting to feel better, I can feel it," I said, in complete wonder at how…the treatment worked.

"I know you are," Eli said as I ran my hands through his hair. "I can tell," he said with a smirk.

"And when I'm better, Eli…I want us to spend the night…" I said, with more giggles, and I whispered the rest in his ear.

I giggled again when I saw his eyes open up wide at my words. I could barely stop giggling as he took a minute to recover.

"You'd better rest up then Edwards. Gonna need to save your energy," he shot back with a smirk as he rested my head on his chest. I exhaled deeply and breathed his scent in as I went to bed with a smile. I never thought I'd see this day, but, here we were. On the right path. Finally on the right path.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Please let me know your thoughts in a review!**


	7. Can I Have This Dance

**Hello lovely readers! This is the last chapter, but do not be sad because it is an extremely long one! The longest I have ever written for a story. Please leave me a review with your thoughts otherwise it feels like I did all the writing for nothing! Thank you all so much for your comments and reviews, they make me so happy! And keep calm and keep on shipping EClare on the show because I'm sure that ultimately, Clare will make a great recovery with Eli at her side. **

**Very important notice: I've changed the story rating to M. This is because of this chapter, which due to popular request for this…needs an M rating. **

**XXXXXXXXXX Bullfrog's POV**

I opened my eyes briefly to look at the clock on my bedside table again.

_3:05 am. _

I had only ten minutes left before I _really_ had to get up, but I was up watching my wife carefully, because I think she just woke up for a little bit, which is unlike her. I feel bad that I always wake up when I have to leave to do the morning radio show, but she always tells me that it's not a problem because she goes right back to sleep after. Besides, what exactly am I supposed to do? Sleep in a different bed than my wife? Now _that_ I know she wouldn't like. But this was different. I could tell that her sleep had been...tormented, that something was wrong.

When she turned around and I brought her into my arms and she whispered out, "Eli," I could tell that the same thing that had been bothering me was also bothering her.

"Oh, sweetheart, you okay? What's wrong?" I whispered to her as I caressed her back and she opened those eyes that I absolutely love.

"Eli," she repeated. "Where is he," she said, confused.

"Where he's been every night," I whispered back, stroking her hair as I pulled her in close. I could tell that she was upset, and I wanted to comfort her, so I just did it the only way I knew how; by holding her.

"He's at the hospital making sure Clare is okay," I told her, wondering if she was confused in her sleepy state. It was the twentieth of August; Eli had been there every night for the past five weeks or so.

I tried to get him to come home even just a few nights here and there, but he said no way, that Clare needed him, and that was that, and that there was nothing that I or his mother could do to stop him. _Typical_ Eli – even dared to give me that reply with attitude turned up at its maximum level. But then he said something about how the one time that he stepped away from Clare she ran away from the hospital with some other kid – some boy that I have never heard of.

Now, when I first heard _that _– I heard that Eli had drifted from reality again, and that he had possibly misinterpreted Clare's feelings towards him. I thought he was maybe clinging onto her desperately while she was rather interested in that other boy that she ran away with, but then Eli explained everything and the situation really was different. She was scared and had run away – obviously a dangerous decision, but Eli wasn't being inappropriate with her.

Anyway, after I saw that him being there really did help her and that he did have an important job to do, I let it slide. He did come home during the day at times, most often to do laundry – both his and Clare's sometimes – and to grab something to eat, but he always ran away as fast as he could.

I could tell that it made him nervous to be away from her, even if she was sleeping – she slept for long periods of time when her treatments were most intense. And when he saw Clare's mom get her something, I could see that he felt guilty for not thinking of it first. He really was so desperate for her to get better – but a _quiet, hidden_ kind of desperation. And I knew why; he wanted to be strong for Clare. The good news for him was that it looked to me like it worked – he did become a major source of support for her and he looked after her well. Even if he didn't come home for days on end, I couldn't complain.

Talking to him always worked better when his mom and I came to the hospital instead – he was more relaxed in there, where he could watch her and make sure that she was okay. He was a lot easier to talk to there and I could tell that Cece liked being around Clare. It just reminded me so much of how she had always wanted a girl too – I know that Eli talks to me about more things that he talks to his mother, but I think that's natural for a boy. And I think Cece knows that too.

"Oh," I then heard her sigh tearfully.

_Oh no, please don't cry. Don't cry. _

I hated to see my wife crying in my arms; it made me feel like...I wasn't doing my job properly.

"What's wrong sweetheart?" I asked her as I cuddled her deeper into my arms.

"What is he going to do?" Cece asked with a deep sigh as she stood up against the headboard and I put my arm around her.

"He doesn't even want to talk to us about it," she added.

I knew what this was about. NYU. Eli was supposed to start classes in a little over a week, but now with no scholarship, I just don't think I could swing it for him.

"I...even if sell my Mustang, it won't be enough for all his years –"I began, feeling so ashamed. It was _my_ _job_ to look after my wife and child, and I couldn't even to do that.

"He'd never let you," she sighed. "And I wouldn't either," Cece then added as she held my hand.

"I think that maybe now that Clare is on her feet a little more – you saw her the last time we visited, how energetic she was – I think he'll take action on the NYU front," I tried to tell her, because I really did hope Eli would do so.

"He's supposed to leave in a week and a half and he has no idea what he's doing," Cece then said, starting to cry all over again.

"He'll figure it out," I told her, trying to comfort her.

"That's what we said about _everything_," she reminded me, a pang hitting me with those memories. "That's what we said about him getting over Julia's death, that's what we said when he had to write that play, we never even knew about the fact that he found a dead body for so long. Don't you see?" Cece heaved painfully.

"I don't know what to do with him, he's always sort of figured things out on his own, school things I mean," I tried to defend myself. "And..." I hesitated.

"What?" Cece pushed me, looking up at me with teary eyes.

"I have been talking to him about this," I confessed.

"And what did he say?" she asked in a desperate tone.

"He said that...since he rejected every other school when he got into NYU, he can't go to U of T this year either. He's...he's gonna lose a year," I told her and she sighed painfully again.

"He _can't_," she said with determination.

"I know he can't. I'm worried with him if he's got nothing to do, he's never good in those situations. The _one_ thing that's really pulled Eli through all the time is his work. He always figures out the world around him by writing stories, that's just how he does it. He can't just stay here and kick it around Toronto for a year," I agreed.

"Clare's feeling better now, her mom will look after her," Cece said. "I will look after her too, we both will," she said as I nodded. "He can go now," she said.

"That's not the problem," I emphasized. "The boy has nowhere to go, he's lost his spot," I said as Cece gasped.

"He didn't tell NYU he's not coming, did he?" she asked.

"Not yet," I replied. "But...I'm pretty sure that's what's coming," I said.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

"See, loop around the entire hospital grounds, so good," Eli said encouragingly as we made our way back into the building.

"Tomorrow, Dr. Masterson said we can try to walk to that little park thing with the statue across from the U of T med school building," he added as he helped me get back into the bed.

I pulled him in with me and cuddled into his arms.

"Eli, Eli," I sighed, tired. He was talking too much and also much too loudly.

"Oh, sorry," he said, realizing at once. "You're tired, sorry, I'll be quiet now," he added as he pulled the covers around us.

I just nodded and flashed him a warm smile because I didn't want him to think I was mad at him.

"Kiss," I whispered, wanting to make sure that he knew I wasn't angry.

He obliged and kissed me gently and sweetly as he embraced me a little tighter.

"Sleep," he then whispered.

"No, no sleep," I said, trying to fight it but knowing it was undeniable. I felt a lot better these days and no longer needed an afternoon nap, but I would get tired around nine pm, the time that it was right now.

"Shh, shh, love you Clare, good night," Eli said as he kissed my forehead.

"We have to change," I tried to tell him, because we were both in street clothes – he was wearing jeans and that same black T-shirt from his production job that he brought with him when he first came here. I had on a dress and a sweater that he made me wear because apparently he judged that it was cold.

I did as he asked because I really did feel bad at making him panic over me so much – to the point where he had a breakdown. I know he did; that night in the hospital when I came back and he surfaced in the morning with that God-awful shaking; I know _something_ happened and I know that that's why my mom wouldn't let me see him.

I noticed that next morning when he was waiting for me to wake up, just sitting on my bed and watching me lovingly, I noticed that he too, had gained a hospital bracelet – that means Dr. Masterson had actually _admitted_ him to the hospital. He stopped the shaking with my little trick but still...it was so scary, to see how much my actions affected him like that – it was a type of control over him that I knew wasn't fair to exert. It made me realize that...with certain things, I can't just think of only myself. And in that case, I had to think of Eli, and I had to think of my mom, so if wearing the damn sweater will make him worry about me less, so be it. Besides, it got cold as we kept walking, as the sun began to set.

"I can help you," Eli then said, slowly slipping my dress off and replacing it with a blue silk robe that Cece had gotten me. I felt bad – Cece knew that I sweat so much sometimes that the purple one needed a replacement at times. But she was very motherly in her ways, so after I came to my senses about treatment I let her look after me sometimes too.

I loved the way Eli did this; the way he changed my clothes in the hospital as need be. He did it in a perfect balance so that I never felt like he was my nurse instead of my boyfriend, but I also never felt gross because he was seeing me in what I know was for sure a less-than-sexy state. He looked in my eyes and kissed my forehead as he did it, and he'd always cuddle me into his body when he'd take off my bra gently, but I knew he always snuck a peek – I could tell he did, and I often giggled into his arms as I caught him, because I just thought it was so hilarious.

Then he'd always say something about how if you look at Greek myths, when the hero is helping a lady in distress, he always sneaks a peek – which was _such_ an Eli comment to make in that moment, that it often made me giggle even more.

But then he'd gently kiss me as he'd tie the ties of the silk robe together, and he'd cover me up and gently caress my back and sides before finally kissing my lips. It was so...perfect and devoted, and I just loved every second of it. _When_ I was awake enough to giggle and respond, of course.

Many other times I was too tired, and those times the process was much simpler. He was a lot faster then, taking one robe off and putting on the other, and he'd always kiss my shoulder when he was almost done; he'd kiss my bare shoulder and then pull the robe over it and give me a smile and tell me to go to sleep, and that he wasn't going anywhere.

"Okay sweetheart, time to sleep. Just get some rest and I'll be right here all night," I then heard him say. _There. Just like that. That is what he would always do. _

"Mmm," was all I could muster in response as I laid against his body, my head on his chest. His arms cradled me protectively and like always, I felt bad that Eli had to go to bed at 9 pm.

This whole summer has turned out so differently than he had previously planned for, and I was scared to ask him about...what would happen in a week and a half when I was going to go home and he...I was scared that now there was nothing for him anywhere. Nothing at U of T. Nothing at NYU. Just like that, from one second to another, everything...spiralled away from him.

_I _knew what _I _was doing; I was going back to Degrassi, trying to get something published for Columbia, and being V.P. And that made me feel at ease; knowing that my life would resume now. But...what would _he_ do?

I needed to ask him.

"EEEli," I said sleepily.

"Yes?" he replied in a soft voice as I felt him reach for my hand underneath the covers.

"What are you going to do?" I asked in a sleepy voice.

"Nothing, I'm tired too, don't worry, I won't turn the TV on," he said as he ran his hand up and down my arm gently.

"No," I said, trying to explain that he had misinterpreted my question.

"I know it makes it hard for you to sleep, come on," Eli replied as he kissed my shoulder. "Rest, Clare, rest," he whispered.

"About NYU," I finally got out.

"Oh," he then said, and he exhaled out the world's largest breath. "Um..Hmm..I don't know," he stumbled.

"You _have to_ go," I said.

"Will you..." he then asked, and I felt his body trembling.

_No. No. No. No. Not again. __He can't start that again. It's dangerous - Dr. Masterson's husband said it is. He said! I'm not going to let this happen to him. Not again_. I stood up slowly because _I had to pay attention now. I had to_.

"What?" I asked. "Will I what?" I asked, and I sensed that whatever he was going to ask me next was very difficult for him to say, so I grabbed both of his hands and took them in mine, moving them to the top of the covers.

"Will I what?" I urged him.

"Just," he said, exhaling again and looking at the walls.

"Eli, look at me," I asked him, and he did so.

"Will you hate me if...I lose NYU," he finally said.

"Oh Eli," I sighed emotionally, and I wrapped him up in an embrace at once. "No, I won't hate you! How can you even think that?" I asked him, wanting to get at whatever was inside his mind – never an easy task.

"It's just that…" he began, before shutting down and falling silent.

"Tell me, it's just that _what_, please, Eli, please," I said, leaning in and placing a kiss on the corner of his mouth in order to sweeten the deal.

"It's just that...you and me and my parents and everyone – with the exception of your dad of course –" he said bitterly and I knew that my dad's comment that he had chosen such an unstable career had hurt him, I just knew it – "think of me like some big movie guy, like I'm gonna head off to New York and become the next Spielberg," he sighed.

"Well...what if I'm not? I lost the funding, and I can't afford NYU without that. I also rejected U of T so now I'm left with no place to go. I...I don't have anything for next year. I'm just supposed to hang out around Toronto doing _what_? All I have is a high school diploma, so the only job I can get is a minimum wage one in a coffee shop or something. The only reason I got the production assistant job is because it was a partnership with NYU film," he finished, and I could tell that he was very, very worried about all of this.

He had hidden this worry..._all this time_.

I wanted to _scream_ at him to get out of the bed – I really did.

How could he not share any of this with me? How could he not talk and strategize with me, I thought as I felt my anger rise.

"Eli," I said in a stern voice, ready to yell at him like there was no tomorrow, ready to push him out of the bed in anger – I don't care if he falls.

But...I didn't. I didn't. I took a deep breath and just...looked up at him full of worry.

"Eli," I then said softly as I hugged him. I think it was time now that he needed a hug from me – not just me from him.

"Everyone expects me to go and do great things – you, my parents, Simpson, even Mrs. Dawes e-mailed me, everyone," he said. "But...I'm just...not," he sighed.

"You are, you are," I gently told him as I placed my head on his chest, settling us back down on the bed. I could feel the jump of his heart through his shirt. He was trembling just a bit, but that was because he was getting sad, because he was getting emotional.

"Clare...this changes _everything_ though," he then said in a final grave voice.

"Why? It just means you stay here for a year and go to NYU next year," I said as I played with the collar of his black T-shirt. He never changed, I am just noticing now.

"I have to go through admissions again, and you know how competitive it is," he sighed.

"Why? Can't you just defer?" I asked.

"Not in the directorship program, they don't let you, they say each year they have to consider the application as a new one," he said, his eyes distant.

"Well you got in once, you have to get in again," I said, trying to be encouraging. He couldn't lose his place, he _couldn't_.

"Yeah, I don't know," was all he said, thoughtfully looking at me while I could tell a million worries were going through his mind.

"Our whole plan," he then said, shutting his eyes tightly and I also felt him clenching his fists..."and I can't deliver on my end of it," he whispered, and now I knew that we had gotten to the root of the problem.

_I just knew _– by the way that he just said that.

"Eli, if this is anyone's fault...it's mine. I was the one who asked you to come home," I said emotionally.

"Oh Clare, I had left hours before you even called me. Look at me," he said, placing his hand on my chin and lifting my face gently up a little.

"I don't regret _for one second_ that I came home. Not for _one second_," he said with so much conviction that I knew it was how he honestly felt.

"But now everything is a mess, it's like everything spiralled out of control...like dominoes," I said as I tried to get my mind to grapple with this situation.

"Yeah, well, story of my life," Eli said bitterly, angry at...I don't even know what or who. But it wasn't me; I expected him to resent me, but I could tell that he didn't.

And those words – the ones he just said with so much emotion – got me thinking. Things spiralling out of control while he desperately fought to keep them all together really _was _the pattern of his life.

And now, the one thing he had wanted the most...had been taken away from him.

It just...all was so Goddamn unfair – this whole summer, all of it. And now Eli was going to take a hit for...me. _I really don't want him to_, I thought to myself as I grabbed onto his shirt tightly and felt the tears coming.

"Woah, woah, no, no, please don't cry, please don't cry," he said at once, kissing my forehead and pulling me into his embrace.

Hearing him say those words, his voice laced with worry...it only made me cry harder as the dark fabric of his shirt became darker when my tear made contact with the material.

"Clare, please, please, if you want to make me happy, you won't cry, I can't stand to see you crying, it hurts me so much," he said, and I knew that was true.

"I'll figure it out, okay? I'll figure it out," he then said desperately, pulling my head out of its hiding spot against his neck.

"How? What will you do?" I asked tearfully.

"I don't know, that's the problem – I don't know enough about how NYU works, I need...I need some kind of exposure to the place, I need to know the ropes," he said as I saw the gears in his mind working.

"D-does Fiona k-know?" I hiccupped tearfully.

"Clare, please, please stop," Eli said gently. "Please, I'm so worried, it's so bad that you're crying, please, please stop," he whispered urgently in my ear as he held me close and ran his hand up and down my back soothingly.

"D-does Fiona k-know? Ab-about NYU?" I asked desperately, needing to know the answer to this. Fiona was the only person with some type of contact to New York who I knew.

"She knows about the city, not about NYU," Eli replied sadly, and I had a feeling he had already talked to her.

"Her b-brother," I got out. "Declan goes to Yale. He knows me," I said, scrambling.

"Who's Declan? How come you never told me about him?" Eli asked with a raised eyebrow.

"He used to do all the plays at Degrassi," I said, hoping that would convince Eli to talk to him. "Direct them. Before you, he did them always," I clarified.

"He's the same age as Fiona, they are twins," I added.

"And you know him _how_?" Eli asked, narrowing his eyes at me.

"I...helped him do props," I said, but I knew my cheeks were giving me away.

When Eli groaned and got a look of pure jealousy on his face, I knew that he had clued in.

"Oh great," he said, "your ex-boyfriend is an older millionaire Yale student who directs plays. While your new boyfriend is a loser with no school and no job and no plans and only three hundred bucks to his name. Talk about a downgrade," Eli muttered.

When I heard him say that, I knew some major comfort was necessary.

"No, no, no," I said quickly, and I made a point of kissing Eli sweetly – twice. "He was never my boyfriend! I didn't even like him," I lied. "His big love was Holly J," I explained. "They were so cute together too," I added.

"Hmmm," Eli muttered, obviously not convinced.

"Holly J.," he then said thoughtfully. "Yeah, come to think of it Fiona did tell me something once about being in the middle of her brother and her best friend," Eli added.

"See?" I said with a giggle. "Easy, Dexter," I teased him. "I'm yours, all…yours," I then whispered in his ear, knowing that if I was really ever met with an upset Eli, that would give him the necessary ego boost. Sure enough, it worked, because a sly, pleased smirk crossed his lips upon hearing me say that.

"That's right you are," he whispered huskily right back at me, outdoing me at my own game when his hand ventured down my back, making me lose my senses for a moment.

"And you're mine too," I told him in a shaky voice as his smirk only got wider.

"So do you think Declan can help?" I asked.

Eli just shook his head in sadness, though.

"Yale is not NYU," I thought out loud. How could Declan know anything about it?

"Eli," I then whispered. "There is..._one_ other person," I said, stating the obvious.

"I can't," Eli said, closing his eyes.

"Why not?" I asked. "He likes you," I pointed out.

"I...left his movie, I look like such a flake – he...he's so talented and so intense and I...came for a few days then I left. He...he's already replaced me, he couldn't care less about some tiny production assistant. I can't quit then call him up and ask him for a favour," Eli sighed. "I just can't, I'd die of embarrassment," he added.

I just played with the collar of his shirt thoughtfully.

"We shouldn't give up," I pointed out.

"I just can't ask him, I can't ask my boss Brett," Eli said, taking a deep breath.

"Clare," he then said sweetly, "go to bed sweetheart, it's been such a long day. You did so good today. Walking all around the hospital. That's my smart and beautiful girlfriend," he praised me with a final kiss on my forehead.

"What about –" I started again.

"Don't worry about it. Let me handle it," he said as he kissed my shoulder.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

"Almost all packed up sweetheart, how wonderful," my mom said with a huge smile as she looked around the hospital room.

"I'm so happy," I beamed up at her because I really could _not _wait to get out of here. I had to come back in one month for a check-up, but only for a few hours. Tomorrow I'll be done - _done_ – with living in the hospital.

"Phone, mom, hello," I then said, because my mom was so bad at hearing her phone, and I could tell that it was ringing.

When she picked it up and said, "Randall," I couldn't help but look up at her at once.

"What?" I mouthed.

After the last encounter we had with my dad, in which he gave Eli a punch that literally planted him into the ground, I didn't call him and he didn't call me.

"Yes, tomorrow," my mom said. She's been talking to dad about me? There's no way he could have known that otherwise.

"Speakerphone, speakerphone," I then said to my mom sternly.

"Clare wants me to put you on speakerphone," I heard my mom say, and she did so.

"How are you feeling, Clare? How's my beautiful daughter doing?" I heard my dad's voice say, and I felt a sting of pain at once.

My mom was happy now, and I was happy now too...but I knew that a part of me would always be just as destroyed as ever that I lost that protective, original unit of my mom, my dad and Darcy and I...I knew that the sting of the pain would never go away.

"I'm okay," I said softly, because I didn't want to say any more than that. I had to be...careful with my feelings around my dad, I had to...protect myself.

"Your mom says you did so good and were so brave," I then heard him say as my mom shot me a somewhat sad smile.

I then heard my dad continue, "I'd like to come visit you, Clare, either tomorrow or at...the house," he faltered.

_The house. Not "at home". _

"Not at the house, " I told him sternly. "Glen is there. He loves my mom and he knows it was hard for her with me in the hospital so he came home. Glen loves my mom so he came _home_," I shot, enunciating every word.

"And Eli loves me so he came home too. They both came home," I emphasized. "How do you even know I'm coming home tomorrow," I then asked.

"I kept Randall up to date a few times," my mom replied.

"Randall," I then said, the word sounding so...foreign in my mouth. "You always said _dad_," I then quickly said, justifying my little drifting off moment.

"He _is_ your dad," my mom then softly said as she came over and pulled me into a hug. "He'll _always_ be your dad," she whispered into my ear.

"Clare," I then heard my dad gently say, "I _am_ your dad," he replied.

"Then why don't you ever visit me," I asked, and I hated how I could barely finish that sentence before I began to tear up.

"Why does Jake," I started, wanting to keep my voice steady, "visit his alcoholic mother every week – _every week_ dad – the woman who abandoned him, but you can only come to see me once every half a year?" I asked, because I never got my answer last time.

"Oh sweetheart," I heard him sigh.

"_Don't_ call me that!" I then exploded, because it was what Eli called me when I was at my lowest during the most intense chemotherapy. And I love it – it felt so private and so loving and so perfect but just between the two of us. My dad had no business saying that word.

"Clare," he then corrected himself. "I was so worried about you," he said.

"I don't...believe you," I said as I felt myself burst into inconsolable sobs. "I don't believe you. You never do anything for me! Just for the record dad, it's always been about you, and only you," I repeated as I hung up the phone and my mom pulled me out of the hug in order to try and talk to me.

"Clare, oh my baby, my poor baby," she said soothingly.

"What happened?" I then heard Eli's voice say as he rushed into the room and sat down on the other side of me, pulling me into a hug once my mom released me from hers.

"What's wrong? Someone please tell me, were the doctors here? What's wrong?" he asked in a panic.

"Clare's father called," my mom told him silently.

"What did he say, what did he do, what's got her so upset? What did he do?" Eli asked rapidly as he kissed my forehead over and over again in the hug.

"It's just...hard for Clare, you know, Eli, talking to her dad. It's just hard," my mom gently said.

This wasn't the world's best timing. Eli already felt like crap over NYU and now he was just being reminded that my dad hated him and the career choice that now was on shaky ground for Eli.

"I know," Eli said sadly as my mom and him shared a compassionate look. "I know it's hard," he said as he snuggled me in his arms and just held me.

"Let's go for a walk," he said in a cheery tone, his voice filled with positive encouragement.

"Cheerleader Eli," I teased him.

He just rolled his eyes playfully and said, "Let's go find me pom-poms then," as I giggled even more. I could tell that it pleased him to see me laughing, and he reached up and wiped my tears away with his hands.

"Where are you going?" my mom asked.

"Dr. Masterson said Clare can try to walk to the waterfront today," Eli said proudly.

"Hmm okay," my mom said, not sounding fully convinced.

I saw Eli grab my light jacket and my pink scarf and bring them over to me. He helped me put the jacket on and wrapped the pink pashmina around my neck.

"Off we go, milady," he teased. "And if all goes well today I'll buy you one of those waffles with all the berries, the restaurant is right by the waterfront," he went on as my mom shook his head playfully at him.

"What? I'm allowed now," I defended myself as I looked at her.

"I know you are," my mom said with a smile, "I'm just laughing at Eli because I'm not sure who's more excited for waffles and berries out of the two of you, but I'm pretty sure it's _you_, Eli," my mom said.

"That's right," Eli confirmed at once with a smirk, "So hurry up, Clare," he then teased.

"All right you two, have fun," my mom said as she watched us leave.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX** **Eli's POV**

"All right," I agreed half-heartedly, watching Clare shoo me away as she had a meeting in her room after we got back from the waterfront – a meeting with Drew. Not exactly my favourite person in the world right now.

I told him I forgive him but I'll be damned if I move from next to this door right now. I guess even if she does leave now she'll be fine – we only have tomorrow left – but still. We're in this for the long haul. We're all in. We're gonna do the damn treatment the right way.

Apparently they had some stuff to do for student council. I tried to play it cool and look like I'm totally nonchalant with all of this, but the truth is that if I had it my way I wish Alli or Jenna or someone could work with her instead. Not Drew.

I did have a job to do though, and it needed to be done right now. I could no longer tolerate the uncertainty of all of this, not with the way it affected Clare.

So I pressed the green button as soon as I came to the number, a number given to me by her mom.

He answered quickly.

"Hello," was all he said.

"It's Eli," I told him at once, determined to stand my ground through this.

"What do you want," he spat at me. "Did you hurt my daughter?" he asked.

"Clare is fine," I said at once. "I'm the one who's been with her the entire time in the hospital, I would know," I defended myself.

"I'm sure you have," he said sarcastically. "I'm sure you've been right there in my daughter's bed," he then said, and I swear if he would have been there in person I would have punched him for that.

"You listen to me," I then began. "I'm not some little kid who has to be respectful to the adult, so you listen," I said, knowing I was right.

"I'm the one looking after Clare and I called you to say to stop calling her and promising visits that you don't mean. It's not fair to her. She loves you – despite all the crap you've pulled on her, she still loves you and it hurts her very much when you do stuff like that," I told him.

He was silent.

I continued. "Clare's been through some very serious cancer treatments and she needs to keep her strength up. Her doctor told me this means everyone needs to be stable around her. She needs safety and comfort, that's exactly what the doctor said. I am ensuring her safety and her comfort, and you are affecting both right now. Stop your calls if you are never going to visit her. Stop playing with her feelings like this. You don't get to call her up and feel better just because then you can tell your conscience you called," I reproached him.

He was still silent.

"I know you think I'm some jerk loser. But all I care about right now is her safety and her mood, since it affects her health. Her mom and I have worked very hard to create a safe space for her here, while she gets better. You do _not_ get to come in and ruin it all with one phone call. If you want to visit her, tell her mom what time and I'll make sure I'm not here. But _stop_ making empty promises," I finished.

"Are you finished?" I then heard him ask angrily.

"With you? Yeah, I am," I said, and I hung up the call.

I didn't notice that my hand was shaking until a few seconds after, when I put my phone away.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

"No, Drew, don't touch that, that's laundry," I said, embarrassed. "Forgot to give it to Eli," I muttered to myself.

"Eli does your laundry?" Drew then asked, breaking out in laughter. "I could gather from what Adam said that he was whipped, but I never thought it was _that_ bad. If you _ever_ see me doing a girlfriend's laundry, please, you have full permission to slap me," he finished, and I hated his attitude.

"Act as macho as you want, but I know if Bianca told you – not asked, told you – I know you'd do it in a heartbeat," I challenged him.

"Shut up," was all I got in response.

"Didn't you do stuff like Katie when she was...in the hospital?" I asked, surprised that Drew thought so much of it.

"Um, _hell_ no," he said clearly and loudly. "But maybe that was because she got better pretty fast and then I knew I could check out," he added.

His words made my blood freeze in my veins, I swear.

"What?" I asked.

"Oh, Bianca told me to stay with Katie because she was fragile and she'd snap without me. So I had to look after Katie before I could break up with her. It kind of sucked. Then she got better and I swear to God, I was counting down the freaking days," Drew said with an exhale.

"I thought you loved her," I tried to reason.

"I did," Drew replied. "But then I stopped. She was such a clingy, whiny, drugged out mess – I stopped," Drew said.

_What?_

"Our meeting's over," I then said.

"Um, sorry, I know Katie was your boss, but come on," Drew said with a laugh.

"It's not about Katie," I lied. "I'm tired," I lied again.

"Oh, okay,' Drew replied. "I'm going then, before Eli decapitates me for trying to work while you're tired. Um, is he still right outside the door?" Drew asked, peeking his head out further so he could see out the tiny window in the door.

He was scared. Of Eli. Unbelievable. Eli wouldn't hurt him – not unless Drew did something to hurt me.

"Bye," he said, and just as soon as he was out, Eli came in.

"Hey," he shot my way, and he had a smoothie in his hand.

"Thought you'd maybe like a smoothie – full of yummy antioxidants," he said as he handed it out to me.

"So I can get better faster, right?" I asked him sadly.

"Of course," he replied with a nod.

_No_.

"Hey, Clare, everything all right?" he then asked, scanning my eyes.

When my chin began to tremble, I knew that Eli had realized it was not.

"Oh Clare, come here and tell me what's wrong," he said, trying to hug me, but I moved away and sat on the bed instead.

I could tell that Eli had read my silent message that I didn't want a hug right now.

I wanted to ask him something.

"Eli," I began. "When you were in this hospital," I began, "who looked after you," I asked him.

"Um, not my favourite thing to talk about," Eli replied, shutting down at once. I absolutely hated how he did that; it was as if I could actually _see_ a wall going up with him.

"We _have to_ be able to talk about it," I argued, and I knew that those words also hit a trigger in him.

"All right," he then said, sitting down next to me on the bed.

"My dad and my mom. Mostly my dad," he said, giving me precise, short, tiny answers as if this was a science quiz.

"Did you miss me," I asked him.

"Clare, come on," he said in a soft voice while he gave me a gentle look.

"Did you miss me," I insisted.

"Of course," he replied. "But I understand why we couldn't be together at that time and I don't blame you for it," he made sure to add.

"Did you think it would be easier for you, better for you, if I had stayed with you while you got better," I then asked.

"No," Eli said categorically. "I needed to figure some things out on my own. I did and then you came back to me," he simplified things.

"I don't mean _now_. I don't mean in hindsight. I mean _in that moment_. Did you wish for me?" I asked.

"Well, yes, of course. Clare, where are you going with this? Why are we even talking about this? Can we not?" Eli asked, and I could tell he really didn't want to talk about it.

"And it was...something that you remember, how...lonely you were and how much you missed me," I insisted.

"Clare, please, enough," Eli then said, looking down at his shoes. "I don't want to look back on those days. I was really messed up, okay? That's all there is to it," he shrugged.

But I couldn't get Drew's words out of my head.

"And...it really hurt you that I wasn't there. So you...remember that feeling," I said, thinking out loud.

"Clare, sweetheart, please, leave the past be. We need to focus on our future," Eli pleaded with me. He looked around the room and saw my dirty pyjama shorts and then said, "Oh, oops, forgot to take those. I'll take them right now," he offered.

That was what did it – those stupid pyjama shorts.

I felt a tear rolling down my face so I pretended to want to look at the window, but I really just wanted an excuse to hide my face from him.

"Yeah, you can take them," I said softly, "And thank you for staying with me, for...looking after me," I began to say.

This was it. The final good-bye. That kiss I gave him this morning...that was our last kiss.

"Of course," I heard him reply as he shuffled about. "Anything for my girl," he then finished. "Where should we go walking after lunch?" he then asked in a jovial tone.

"Eli, you don't have to," I said softly.

"Okay, not up for walking. Should we watch a movie instead? I have my laptop, we can rent one on iTunes –" he began, before I cut him off.

"Eli, no...you can go now," I said, almost choking on the words.

"You need some time alone? Everything all right, Clare?" he asked, and I felt him approach me, so I turned away from him. When I felt him gently reach for my arm and turn me around then, I knew I would have to be strong.

"You're pretty upset over a pair of pyjamas," he said softly, his expression full of worry.

"I'm sorry about your dad," he then quietly said. "Please don't let him upset you. Now where can I take you, where can I take my girl?" he asked, trying to cheer me up. "Want to go to Pierre Macaron? I thought we could go there tomorrow night to celebrate the end of your hospital stay, I have reservations, but I can call and they'll change them," he said.

"You made reservations there?" I asked. "Like a...good-bye thing," I heaved – that was it, Drew was right.

"Yeah, a goodbye to hospital stuff. Clare, come on, what's wrong," Eli said, in response to my heave.

"Goodbye," I whispered.

"Never thought I'd see you so sad about saying bye to the hospital," Eli said, changing his approach and trying humour.

"Thought you'd be clicking your heels," he then joked.

But when I didn't laugh and just sobbed in response, he immediately did hug me, and sat us down on the little couch-like chair in my room.

"Clare, if you don't tell me what's wrong, I can't fix it. So please tell me, and then I can fix it," he pleaded.

"Drew said – he said," I began, and Eli rolled his eyes.

"Never start a sentence with 'Drew said' is what Adam always tells me. So I'm sure whatever nugget of wisdom is coming that's made you so upset is perfectly ridiculous," Eli said with a frown.

"When he was with Katie and she was sick he only stayed with her because he felt sorry for her and thought she'd freak out without him! Because Bianca made him!" I burst out, completely desperate to get it out.

"Wow," Eli said with wide eyes.

_See, I knew it – I knew he thought it too!_

"Wow what? Wow he blew your cover?" I said, delivering a series of rapid fists to his chest as I struggled in his embrace.

"Wow - I always thought Katie was too good for him," Eli said quietly.

_What?_

"That is such a jerk-like thing to do - number one, do and number two - say to you right now. Clare, I hate that guy," Eli said as he shook his head. "Bianca on the other hand, see…I always knew she was smart," Eli then nodded.

"See! You think the same as Bianca!" I heaved painfully. "You should have taken the out I first gave you!" I screamed at him. "That would make this hurt so much less!" I then continued, feeling as if my heart would actually break.

"Clare, woah, woah, hang on here a second! I just meant that at least Bianca showed more heart than Drew. But we're not Drew and Katie, you can't compare," he said.

Eli then took my face in both of his hands and gently said, "Not for _one seco_nd did I think like him, Clare. Not for _one second_. I...am _all in_," Eli then told me, his face showing nothing but determination.

And I – while he was so composed – I was such a mess. Hair from my wig was flying everywhere as I stopped punching his chest and pulled him into a hug instead, overcome by sobs.

"You've gotta calm down Clare, or else I'm never letting Drew near you again," Eli said with a laugh.

"He's already scared of you," I told him, giggling a little too.

"As he damn well should be," Eli then said in a playful tone that made me giggle more.

"So you never thought that?' I asked again.

"Never," Eli replied immediately, and his eyes told me that...he was honest.

"Eli?" I then asked as I rested my head on his chest and I felt him intertwine the fingers on our left hand.

"Yes?" he asked, kissing my forehead right after.

"I...I can't imagine being in this hospital alone," I whispered.

"You're not. You have me," Eli replied. Of course he didn't get it.

"I meant...you," I said, in an even lower whisper. I didn't want to think back on those days either, but...I had to tell him this. I just had to.

"No," Eli replied. "Don't feel...guilty," he also whispered.

"I should," I pointed out.

"No. You should not. I'm fine now and that's in the past. Those were my issues and I dealt with them. Besides, I had my dad. I was not alone," he said with a reassuring smile.

I just held onto him tighter, because I was overcome by the desire to do so.

"I love you," I told him.

"I love you too," Eli replied, kissing me gently right after.

"Mmm," I moaned into our kiss. "That's more like it," I teased him.

"Hey," I then said, reaching for his guitar pick necklace and playing with it. "Tonight is our last night in the hospital. After that...we have the nights to ourselves," I added, with a deliberate wink that actually made Eli's jaw drop a little.

"Um...you go home," he pointed out, his hand running down from my neck, down the side of my chest and resting on my hip.

"And I think my mom and Glen need an overnight trip to themselves, don't you?" I asked cheekily as I slipped my hand under his shirt. I could tell that he wasn't prepared for that, because he jumped up about a mile at my touch.

"Woah," he breathed out as I giggled, telling him to settle down.

"And Jake?" Eli asked.

"Still in B.C.; he didn't come home, I talked to him on the phone and said I was okay, no need," I explained. We hadn't told Jake that I was sick until really late, and by that time I could assure him on the phone that there was no need for him to return.

Eli couldn't even muster a response, he just leaned in and kissed me, caressing every inch of my skin over top of my dress. It had been a while since we had had a moment to ourselves like this and it felt wonderful to be able to get lost in his kisses on the couch. I kept my hand underneath his T-shirt because I adored the way he'd shiver at my touch, and I hated that we could hear steps down the hall – it meant we had to stop soon, but that was the last thing that I felt like doing.

"Dammit," I heard him mutter in between kisses.

"Maybe it's not for my room," I said breathlessly, knowing better than that.

"It's probably not," Eli replied, and I giggled in response to the way he was kissing my neck while sounding like he was going to pass out from a lack of oxygen at the same time.

"It's not for me," I said in a hormone-induced haze as I buried my hands in his hair as he only moaned in response.

When we heard the door fly open, I tried my best to get off of him before the person came in, but by the way we were being looked at, we both knew that it was very clear that we had been making out like crazy on the couch – a definitely _not _PG 13 rated make-out.

"Hi," I said, and I hated that I was panting. I looked over at Eli and realized he was no better – there was lip-gloss literally _all over _his face, and to make things worse, he was actually adjusting his shirt.

"Um, my apologies," the male voice said uncomfortably.

"We were just –" I began.

"Hey, wasn't quite _that _long ago that I was a teenager, don't make me feel old. I know what you were doing," he said, but he still looked very uncomfortable.

"Just," he then added, "Keep it...vertical, um, I mean...keep it, just...Eli you know what I'm trying to say. Keep it –" he faltered.

"PG rated," Eli finished, obviously embarrassed. "Got it Dr. Masterson. Um, why are you here to see Clare and not your wife, is something wrong," El then asked, turning a little away from the surgeon so as to try to clean his face without him seeing.

"No, nothing is wrong – I'm going to an army doctor's conference tomorrow and I wanted to say bye to you both seeing how I won't see you tomorrow. To Clare and to you Eli, and to give you my card. If there's anything you need, let me know," Dr. Masterson told Eli as he shook his hand.

"Know anyone at NYU?" Eli said with a laugh.

"Yeah, tons of people actually," Dr. Masterson replied.

"Eli!" I said cheerfully, excited.

"In the med school there," Dr. Masterson finished.

"Darn it," Eli said with a playful exaggerated gesture. "Nah, don't worry about it doc, thanks for coming to say bye," Eli then shrugged.

I then went up to him and gave him a hug – he was huge. When he wrapped his arms around me I felt a little like Ann Darrow and like he was King Kong. He wasn't overweight; he was just so muscular.

"Bye sweetie," he said jovially. "I'm sure you'll see my wife again soon but I'm not always around this section," he added.

Our hug ended and I headed right back to Eli and placed a quick kiss on his lips because I could tell that he had been left a little...lonely over there as I was hugging the surgeon and as he called me "sweetie". Eli didn't do so well with that type of thing.

"Ha ha," Dr. Masterson then laughed, obviously catching on. "Well that's it for me kids, I'm going to find my wife and take her to dinner," he added, and Eli relaxed a bit when he heard that.

"So…jealous," I then teased as we were left alone, saying the words as I placed Eli's hands on my hips and we walked over together to the bed.

"So, so jealous," I repeated with a giggle.

Eli just rolled his eyes in response.

"So, what would you like for dinner tonight? You don't have to stay on the hospital food anymore, I can get you whatever you like," he said.

"Can we have chicken strips and fries?" I asked, as I had been craving it for so long.

"Your wish is my command milady," Eli said dramatically, getting a laugh out of me. "There's a place on Yonge and Dundas I can go to, you want to come?" Eli asked, knowing that I could do a walk like that now if I wanted to.

"I'm a little tired," I told him, shooting him a sad smile.

"No problem, I'll be back before you know it," he replied immediately. "I'll be right back with dinner then, okay?" he asked.

"Kiss," I said, and he obliged.

"Love you," Eli said before he darted out the door.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

"So good," I said as I reached up and put a fry in Eli's mouth.

"It is really good," he agreed as he dipped one of his chicken strips in plum sauce.

"My last meal here," I said happily.

"But breakfast tomorrow," Eli then replied.

"I think I can go in the morning, Dr. Masterson said that's normally how it happens," I replied, and Eli looked completely dejected at that.

"What's wrong?" I asked him.

"I wanted to get you something nicer for your last meal," he said with a sad smirk. "Not sure this is good," he then said with a frown.

"If I think of all the money you've spent on my meals and on all the little things you always got me over the past six weeks, I think I'll have a heart attack," I told him. "Eli...you've spent every single penny you've earned...on me," I told him.

I had tried to get him not to – but there was no budging with him on this point. The only thing that made me feel better somewhat is that my mom had also noticed and she said she'd give Eli some money when I get discharged. She told me that it has to be private though, just a moment between him and her so he's not embarrassed, so I knew I had to gage the right time for that tomorrow. She said that if he doesn't accept it – which is how we both know it'll go – she'll give him one of those VISA gift cards that he can use as money practically. I'm doubtful that he'll even accept that, but my mom said she'll make him. They are both extremely stubborn so I have no idea who will win that particular battle, but I'm on Team Helen this time, and not Team Eli.

"I have not," he said defensively, and I reached up and kissed him quickly in order to console him a little.

"Are you all done?" he then asked and after I nodded he cleaned up all the food stuff.

He then returned to the bed and placed his hand on my back as he gently leaned in next to my ear and quietly said, "You feel okay? Not nauseous? I can go get you a lemonade, you want a lemonade?" he asked.

Oh, I just...I _loved_ this boy to pieces – look at him, stressing about a lemonade! For me!

"Okay," I said with a nod, as that did sound good.

He was off the bed in one fell swoop.

"Be back in three minutes," he told me.

"Kiss," I whispered, and he did as asked.

"Love you," he called out as he exited the room.

With him gone, I was instantly bored. His laptop was on the night table, and I thought I'd check out iTunes on it, because I knew I wanted to watch a movie – it would be my last one, and I knew this is how I wanted to spend the night. I watched so many movies in here, asking Eli everything about them and he knew...so much about it all.

I opened up the internet browser and it just about killed me when I saw that he had set his home page to NYU.

The main feature on the website was "Welcome, Class of 2017 – enter your student number in order to access your Orientation Schedule". Oh God. It was time for orientation in two days, it was a few days before classes would start– he should be going to New York. Instead he is running around getting me lemonade.

I shoved that thought out of my mind because it was a lot more than I could handle right now.

Just as that thought was going through my mind, his Word processor opened and it was on AutoRecovery; he hadn't shut down his computer down properly so now it was surfacing his latest files. When I saw that he had been working on resumes, my heart broke. He was applying in Toronto, to a whole bunch of small businesses that were…between my house and the hospital, or in those neighborhoods. All these jobs though…there's no way they'd keep someone like Eli interested for more than a week. Eli working at the Dot full time? That was actually a place he applied. My heart actually was breaking. This was never what he had planned on. Oh God, he can't just spend next year working at the Dot. I see that he's already put the resume for the Toronto library in his Recycling Bin – with an e-mail from them that says that they only take U of T WorkStudy students. What's a WorkStudy student? I have no idea.

This was Eli – my smart, wonderful, caring Eli. This couldn't happen to him – he'd be miserable. I know he would be. He's a good worker, devoted and active – but when he's interested. He'd get so bored working at a place like the Dot. He can't just do that for a year. What if he gets depressed? What if he hits another low? He's worked so, so hard to recover – and I'm not stupid, I know the idea of NYU, the goal of getting there – I know that that was a huge part of his recovery.

I then opened the e-mail program on his Macbook as I thought I should send Alli a quick line warning her about that French boy. I frowned when I saw that it automatically logged into Eli's e-mail.

He only had two unread messages, and I noticed that he had been opening the about seven other NYU ones in there – including the ones about course registration and orientation day.

One of his messages was from his dad, some forward of a new album being released that I had never heard of.

The other, though – the other caught my eye. It was from NYU and its subject line was _"Meet the incoming directorship class of 2017". _

I know I shouldn't go through his e-mail. I know it's wrong. But this is Eli – after all, he forgave and forgot that I broke into his room, went through his bag and such, and besides, he owes me one in this area. An e-mail account is more like a journal, right?

So I went ahead and opened the attachment, pausing just a second to read the accompanying message.

_Welcome to NYU and to the city Class of 2017 – the best and brightest from all around the world. _

_This September, our program and the city of New York will become the new home for 15 students from five different countries in the world: the United States, Canada, Spain, Germany, Australia, and Spain. _

My heart swelled with pride at the thought that that "Canada" on there – that was for Eli. That was Eli, my Eli.

_Each of you has been picked from a total of 456 applicants. We have hand-picked you because we are confident in your potential, and should you graduate from the program, that potential will have the opportunity to be applied with the most respected names in the film industry. You're here – there is a reason for it; you will find that our industry leaves much room for creativity and interpretation, but very little for self-doubt. Looking at all of your summer biographies, I can personally say that I cannot wait to meet each and every single one of you and see what you produce as you immerse yourself in the fruitful and stimulation environment that is NYU. I invite you each to browse the attachment and become familiar with each other's names, faces, and interests even before you touch down on campus and classes start in September. All of your summer projects sound utterly fascinating and I hope you're ready to discuss them soon, because as you will soon come to learn, the number one question people ask you in this industry is 'And what are you working on now?'_

_Sincerely,_

_Rachel Jensen_

_Directorship program advisor_

_Film Studies Department_

_Faculty of Arts_

_NYU_

Oh God. I felt nervous just reading that – I can't begin to imagine how Eli feels knowing that he's one of the selected 15. That e-mail had so much…pressure in between the lines. I had no idea it was like this.

What about his summer bio, I thought with sweaty palms. I know better than anyone that the number one thing that he did this summer – the only thing, really – was take care of me. He spent day and night, literally, doing that and just that. Something tells me fancy NYU film won't be impressed by that.

I then scanned the names and summer biographies in the attachment and I noticed one thing.

These kids were all _crazy_ accomplished. Every. Single. One. Of. Them. That whole little fish and big pond or whatever? I know Eli can do anything and everything that he sets his mind to, but maybe I should have made sure he didn't drift so far away from this film world over the summer. Maybe he doesn't need to see this e-mail right now. Maybe he doesn't need to see it at all, I thought, pausing as I placed the cursor over the trash can icon.

"Anything good on iTunes Edwards?"I then heard, and his voice startled me. He had scared me.

"Oh," he then said with a surprised look as he sat next to me and looked at the computer screen. "Um, anything good in my e-mail?" he asked with a chuckle.

"You're not mad?" I asked, closing one eye and cringing a little.

"Nah," he responded with a wave of his hand. "What is that you're reading though? I've never seen it before," he said as he put his arm around me and we settled leaning against the raised back of the bed. He handed me my lemonade and I held it out to him for the first sip as I explained,

"New e-mail from NYU, from your program advisor," I said as I placed the Macbook on his lap and rested my head on his chest so I could see too.

He didn't look, though, he just inhaled deeply.

"They say I'm out?" he asked, and now it was his turn to cringe.

"No, no," I said gently. "It's just a list of people in your year, new people, a list of freshmen with bios," I specified, pointing to the screen and making the window larger so that it would occupy the entire screen".

"Oh yeah, I got an e-mail asking me for mine two weeks ago or so," Eli said as he passed me the lemonade and kissed my forehead.

"Did you do it? Please tell me you did it," I said urgently.

"Um, I wrote something and sent it yeah. Felt kind of like…I still kind of feel like I'm going in a weird way," he said with a frown. "I have to e-mail them now. It's really close if they're sending me that – it means people are flying out already. Time for me to make some poor schmuck who think he got rejected really happy. Turns out there's a spot after all," he said quietly as he just held my hand.

"You can't give your spot away," I said, looking up at him in worry.

"What did you write?" I asked him after, and I scrolled through the document as he stayed quiet.

I read it out loud. "Eli Goldsworthy was born in Toronto, Canada. After graduating from Degrassi Community School this summer, he worked on Brett Burnett's new production as an assistant in June before returning home for a family emergency," I finished.

Eli just looked up at me with worry.

"I'm not mad," I told him, because I knew that that was what he was afraid of. "But you shouldn't sell yourself so short. You could have written about all the stuff you published. Because Eli, all these other profiles of these kids…" I sighed.

"They're crazy good, I know," he said, his whole body so…tense.

"This one kid is that famous child actor, the Spanish kid worked at the San Sebastian film festival, the French one at Cannes, and the one from LA – their dad owns 20th Century Fox! I can't believe this…Eli, you're the only one without some type of…connection," I pointed out. "You're the only one who got in on pure talent," I whispered.

"They're all talented, trust me," he said as he caressed my shoulder.

"But they had a lifetime of learning how it works, a lifetime of contacts. You're the only one who did it all completely on your own," I pointed out. "You're the real deal, Eli," I tried to explain.

"I was thinking I'd get a job next year," he then said, trying to sound excited but really – failing miserably. "We could work together on your last few appointments, I was thinking of applying just to local places," Eli continued with a sad smile.

"What's WorkStudy, Eli?" I then asked.

"Been looking through my files, detective Edwards?" Eli asked with a smirk.

"Sorry," I said with a smile – I knew he couldn't resist that smile, and sure enough, he leaned in and kissed me.

I giggled as he pulled away and refocused. "What is it, and why is it stopping you from working at the U of T library?" I asked.

"WorkStudy is a program that U of T has with a whole bunch of places where if you are a full time U of T student, you can work ten hours of week and U of T pays part of your salary. Kind of like how my job on the production thing was, but with NYU. All the best jobs are WorkStudy jobs, but I don't qualify," he said with a frown.

"Because you're not a U of T student," I reasoned out.

Eli just nodded with a sad smirk.

"This is all so unfair," I said as I exhaled deeply and rested my head on his chest again.

"It'll be okay," Eli replied as I felt him kiss my wig. "Want to watch a movie?" he then asked, his voice laced with sadness.

"Okay," I said, wanting to make him feel a little better. "Kiss," I then said, and he leaned in. I wanted to feel him happy, to see him happy, and I thought a kiss would help – and it did, but he still felt so…deflated. So…sad.

"Let's watch _Batman_," I proposed, wanting to make him feel better. He loved that movie. But just as the words came out of my mouth, I realized that might be too painful for him - Christopher Nolan had been on the set of the movie he was working on, surely he'd think of that and be sad.

"Okay, whatever you want. I love that movie," he said with a smirk as he opened up iTunes.

Something told me that he would have agreed to whatever I would have proposed.

He had the movie already, so he clicked on it but just a few minutes into it, it was interrupted by the alert for a new e-mail.

"Sorry, I forgot to turn that off," he apologized as he moved to get that taken care of.

"Read your e-mail," I said, hoping it was something that would help our NYU situation.

"What is it?" I asked when I saw Eli's look of…pure wonder. "Good news, right?" I beamed. That was it, I bet – I bet our problems were solved now.

"Yeah, it's nice – Brett sent me a few minutes of video. I guess they finished the movie today, right on schedule," Eli said with a faint smile. The look on his face of distance though…he was sad. He was sad.

"What did he send you, let's watch the video," I said.

"I know what it is," Eli said softly, exhaling slowly.

"What?" I asked as I held his hand.

"My last full day there, this one scene they kept doing over and over. It was a very important scene in the film, story wise. They kept doing it over and over because the writing wasn't right, I could tell. At lunch I was just fooling around with my copy of the script, I just wrote down on the side how I would have written it. Brett saw it, but he didn't say anything. Then I left. When I spoke to him on the phone the next day to fill him on my situation, he told me that they shot the scene…with my lines," Eli said with a faint smile, but the same soft tone and look of distance in his eyes.

He then added, "No big deal. But I bet that's what he sent me".

"It's a huge deal," I encouraged him as I caressed his biceps. "I want to see it," I said, looking him right in his eyes. I moved onto his lap as I added, "Don't you want our first time to be together?" I asked him teasingly.

"That I do," he said as he fully caught on to my double entendre and caressed my legs as he pulled me onto his lap and I giggled madly.

"Play it," I told him as I settled down.

And as soon as I saw it, I wanted to…cry. It was so…beautiful. The lighting was soft, the picture was crystal clear, and the two actors were so incredibly gorgeous, but more than that – they were so…emotional as they said the lines. This was the real deal, right here – this movie was amazing, I could tell.

As the words that Eli had written fell off the characters' lips, I felt myself get chills…chills.

The two characters were in a gazebo, yellow lights all around them as they were sitting together on…a bench.

"That's great, Gil. Everything's turned out…just as it should be," the girl was saying as she smiled at him, but her face betrayed her words. She was sad…very sad.

"Yeah," the male lead replied. "Except for the fact that I didn't want _just _one dance," the male lead said, and his eyes became gradually redder.

"What?" the girl asked, her eyes full of hope.

"I wanted to ask you for this dance, and the next one after that, and the next one after that. Happiness doesn't drag its feet and time moves faster than you think, you know. So…I know it might be too late, I know you were with him after, but…that thing that we had, me and you? Our relationship? I was all in, you know. I'm…still all in, but only if...you want to," he said, moving closer and closer to the girl.

"What about…what I did? Don't you hate me?" she asked, looking so nervous.

"I could never hate you. All I ever wanted was for you to look my way. It doesn't matter, what you did. We can get through it together. Let's…build some dreams, me and you. Let's plant some roots and some ripe old trees, and let's not wait. We've already wasted so much time. So let's build some dreams, me and you…forever," he finished, and with those words, she flew into his arms. The most beautiful and emotional music then began, as the camera slowly zoomed out on the two of them kissing in the gazebo while the soft yellow lights dimmed.

"Eli…is that…is that…the last scene of the movie?" I gasped as Eli nodded.

"Oh my God Eli, you wrote the end to one of the biggest movies soon to be released," I gasped as the full weight of everything collapsed on me.

"No I didn't," he shook his head. "Half of the emotivity of that scene comes from the lighting and the music, and the two actors of course. They are actually in love, you know," Eli said.

"No, Eli, no. You said they couldn't get the wording right, and that's why the scene wasn't working. You did that. It's your scene. Oh my God, Eli…the future you have, it…gives me chills," I said, my eyes wet.

"Why are you crying?" he asked, shocked.

"I'm not, it's just that…it just hit me…who you'll be," I said, still shaking my head incredulously. "God, Eli…what a joy it must be to create something like this," I added, gesturing at the computer. "Eli, my God…just….I just realized…who you'll be. My God," I whispered. "With the right tools, Eli…this is the kind of thing that speaks to people, that…" I said, feeling a shiver overcome me, "Eli…this kind of storytelling, this kind of creation…this is the kind of thing that truly saves people," I whispered to him.

"God," I sighed again, "How could I not realize this before?" I uttered in disbelief. "Do you even realize it yourself?" I asked.

He didn't.

I could tell that he didn't.

"Just a scene," Eli said as he kissed my forehead.

"God, Eli," I gasped, "No, it's not just a scene. You…hold so many cards, Eli. You are…a true artist. Do you know that? This is what…creativity is. You get people to think, to feel, through what you create. My God," I gasped again. Seeing such a refined product from him – all he needed was access to that environment, I realized – it was amazing.

"My God, Eli," I said, unable to stop. "You are…I can't even…you _are_ gonna be like Spielberg," I said, feeling my eyes get even more wet. "This…" I said, gesturing at the computer, "This is something special," I added, looking at him. Here he was, in his black production shirt in my hospital bed…but I realized something for the first time, something I should have realized a long time ago.

Eli is really….going to be somebody.

He is going places, and places bigger than NYU.

Those people reading Academy Award speeches? That will be his company soon.

"Oh God Eli," I sighed again and I couldn't take it anymore. I turned around so that he was completely holding me in his arms.

"Clare, what's wrong," he asked, very confused.

"I just realized who my boyfriend is," I whispered.

"Huh?" Eli asked, confused.

"Eli…what you wrote in there," I explained, "that…that is like my definition of spirituality…that creativity…you…you will be the voice of all that is love, and kindness, and courage – that is what you'll give to the world…through film. Your stuff, it has a message – a wonderful message of love and inclusion and non-discrimination," I said. "Your work…is so beautiful," I whispered to him.

I could tell by the way he looked at me that he was loving what I was saying, but also that he was sad.

"No one will ever get to see it. I…can't go to NYU," he said, hanging his head. "I can do something else though," he then said as he moved the hair of my wig a little out of my face.

"Clare," he said, and he sounded more sure of himself than I've ever heard him. "I will find something else, I promise you. Something that will let me give you a good life, I promise. I can do something else, I can make sure we have a better life. I'll find something else," he said as he hugged me tightly.

"No, Eli," I said softly. "There is nothing in the world that you should do except this," I told him, gesturing at the scene on the computer. "You can't. You were completely and utterly meant for this. It's as if…Johnny Cash deciding not be a singer," I told him, and a huge smirk crossed his face.

"Nice comparison, Edwards, I like his choice in clothing colours," Eli smiled. "No but seriously, glad exposure to me is rubbing off on your music tastes a little, because I could not sit through another Jay—Z concert," he teased.

"I'm serious, Eli," I said after a giggle. "What a joy it must be to create something like this. You were born with a story in your heart Eli. The world needs to hear it," I told him. "They have to hear it. They need to hear it, Eli. The world is a mess. Such a messed up place. But this…your work is not just an escape from that it…has a message, Eli," I emphasized.

"You're too good to me Edwards," he then whispered as he held me tightly. I could tell that…he knew that he was good, but that he felt that it would never happen for him.

"Eli, Eli, Skype call," I then said as I jumped up a little.

"What?" Eli said in surprise as my heart leapt at the name. That Brett guy!

"Answer, answer, answer, for the love of God answer," I urged him on.

"Okay," Eli said, and I saw his hand shaking.

"Maestro!" I then heard a voice say jokingly before the video feed connected and I saw a cool, totally New York looking guy at the other hand. He was wearing a leather jacket and he had a gray T-shirt under it. His hair was short and brown, and he moved back a little when he saw me.

"Oops, um sorry," he said, confused.

"Eli's here, Eli's here," I said, moving the Macbook so that we were both in the feed. I quickly checked my satin blue robe and thank God, it was covering me decently.

"Hi Brett," Eli said as I saw his boss nod, finally understanding who I was and where Eli was. You could see the hospital bed in the camera angle, as well as a bit of the monitor.

"Eli, hey. You must be Clare," he then said, and I was pleased that he knew my name.

"Yes. What an honor to meet you Brett," I replied, knowing I needed to be charming for Eli. I could do this; I had it.

"You look different," Eli's boss then said, puzzled.

"Different than what?" I asked.

"That little punk has this photo in his locker, and I swear to God, every time he escaped there to stare at it, I had to call him about five times before he finally unglued himself from it. It's you, but your hair is different. You're at Eli's graduation," he specified. "Oh," he then said as he clued in. "Sorry," he apologized.

"Just a wig," I said with a shrug as I felt Eli put his arm around me. He even kissed my temple – right in front of his boss.

"You're so beautiful," Eli then whispered in my ear. "The prettiest girl in the world, and the smartest too," he added, acting as if we were completely alone right now.

"Wow," I heard his boss say with a whistle, "Check out my little production assistant put the moves on," as I giggled. "Damn kiddo, now I know where that last scene came from. My assistant's got a muse," Brett said as he pretended to toast his Coke zero can and took a sip.

"Thank you for sending me that last scene, it…it means a lot to me," Eli said.

"Clare, did you see it?" Brett then asked me.

"It was so beautiful that I cried – and I don't even know the whole story. Audiences will be in tears for sure," I told him, wanting to help Eli. Come on big movie man, come on.

"Eli wrote it," he then deadpanned. "Every single word of it," Brett added. "So I'm gonna give him assistant writer credit," he then deadpanned.

"What?" Eli gasped.

"Fair's fair, kiddo," Brett said with a laugh. "And I thought you and your little lady could use some good news right around now. Clare, how are you feeling?" he then asked, in a very genuine, concerned tone.

"Much better. I'm in remission, complete response," I reported happily as Eli beamed at me and squeezed my shoulder.

"Wow, wonderful news!" Brett said with a smile. "My mom has cancer too, you know. I know a lot more than Eli thinks I do about what he's going through," he then added as Eli looked at the screen in complete shock. "Remission though, and a complete response, can't get better news than that," he said again.

"How is your mom Brett?" Eli then asked quietly.

"She's hanging in there. Prognosis not as good as Clare's I'm afraid. I'd rather not talk about that though," he said with a sigh as Eli nodded respectfully.

"Eli, what's wrong with you, you little punk, what the hell is this shit," Brett then said and held up a group of papers. Is this how he talked to Eli? No wonder Eli feared him.

"I can't see what those papers are," Eli replied with a shrug, apparently unfazed by Brett's language like I was.

"I'm on the NYU advisory board for the Film Department, you know that. I always get a list of the freshmen," Brett said before he read off the paper, "Eli Goldsworthy worked on Brett Burnett's new production as an assistant in June before returning home for a family emergency", Brett finished.

"Um, but that's what happened," Eli said.

"Don't be such a sucker to put it in your bio, kid! Did you read everyone else's bios, you little punk? You're off to a bad start, Eli, I wanted to call and tell you not to be such a smartass," Brett finished.

"I'm not going, Brett," Eli said.

Brett narrowed his eyes at Eli and replied, "You are shitting me," and I was the one to narrow my eyes next. "You really are crazy, kid," Brett then said as Eli exhaled deeply. I could tell he was getting fed up with this.

"Ever heard of a student loan?" Brett asked.

"I'm not going to take on that much debt. Clare and I are trying to build a future together, I'm not going to bog down her life with debt too," Eli said. "Strictly non-negotiable," he added.

"Damn it, Eli, you really are such a fool. What a dumbass move, so many kids would kill to be in your spot and you fucking throw it away. Suit yourself, what an idiot," Brett said before disconnecting the line.

Um, seriously? That was how Eli's big insightful mentor acted? At the maturity level of a 15 year old?

"And that's that," Eli said with a smirk, putting up his wall again, at the same time that he put away the laptop.

"He was so unbelievably rude," I said, so angry at that guy.

"Meh," Eli shrugged. "Sometimes I feel like Brett and I are the same person. I get why he was angry," Eli continued. "Okay, this whole drama has been enough stress on you, sweetheart. It's over. I'll tell NYU tomorrow morning, now just go to bed. Rest, please," Eli pleaded.

"It cannot end like this," I said emotionally.

"Like what? My beautiful girlfriend in remission and in complete response? Going home tomorrow? This is exactly how I wanted it to end. This is why I came home, Clare," Eli said gently as he cuddled me deeper in his arms and I inhaled, feeling his scent all around me.

"I love you so much," he emphasized, "and this is so perfect. This is the ending that I came home for, the ending I wanted to see through. All that other stuff? Let it go to hell," Eli said with a deep angry look behind his gentle manner. "At the end of the day, all I want is for you to be healthy. I don't care about all that other stuff," he repeated.

"Please sleep," he then said. "Good night my love," he whispered as he exhaled and sighed.

It still didn't seem fair to me.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX Bullfrog's POV**

"Big moment Clarabelle," I said as Cece and Helen were helping pack her last few things.

"So happy," she replied. "Just gonna go say goodbye to Dr. Masterson. Eli, want to come?" she asked my son and he agreed at once to go with her. The two of them went down the hall hand in hand as us parents were left alone in the room.

"Thank you," I then heard Helen say. "For letting Eli stay with Clare so much. I realize that it must be so hard with Eli leaving to New York and you not getting to see him even when he came home. He just…seems to help her so much, she's so much stronger and more co-operative when he's around," she said.

"Of course, Eli wanted to be with her," I said as Cece nodded. "Thank you for letting him. I know he's a pretty hard kid to control and such. He's just…a little messed up. He's had a lot of bad things happen to him," I tried to defend my son.

"I know," Helen said with an empathetic nod. "But it seems to me like all of those bad things really shaped the young man that he has become. Clare really needed him, and he pulled through. What a great source of support for her. You know," Helen then gently said, "I think he gets a lot of his best qualities – the way he is so protective especially - because he grew up around such a strong marriage," she continued as I shot my wife a smile.

"Thank you," Cece said softly. "I know it's ridiculous because he is so young, but he really does love Clare. That love is young love, of course, but it really is so, so strong," my wife finished.

"I know it is," Helen said with a smile.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

"She's down there," Eli said as we walked down the hallway and my breath was taken away when I saw what Dr. Masterson was looking at.

Eli just looked a little confused as he said, "Hey, Dr. Masterson, um…checking out the babies?" he asked.

"Oh, Eli, Clare," she said, startled.

"Sorry," I apologized for the both of us.

"You okay doc?" Eli then asked, because we could tell that she was teary.

"I'm fine, I'm fine, I just had a tough case this morning. I come here when I need to cheer up a bit," she said, and I took Eli's hand as I looked out to the sea of tiny pink and blue blankets wrapped around little screaming and twitching bodies.

"Look at all the babies. So…many screams," Eli said in a funny voice, and sure enough, Dr. Masterson laughed a bit.

"I know it's silly, but it helps me," she excused herself.

"It's not silly," Eli replied at once. "If it helps you, it's not silly. Why don't you have one of your own? Make one with hot army doctor husband, the entire hospital - including my girlfriend – swoons whenever he walks into the room and is all like 'come on soldier,'" Eli continued with a huge smirk, and I just about died when I heard him say that.

Her answer stopped me though. She giggled at Eli's weird comments, even.

"I…I think we will. We were waiting for so long, first for our residencies, then my husband went to Iraq and Afghanistan and when he came back he had some…problems," she said, looking down.

"Kind of like…mine?" Eli asked her gently and she nodded.

"Is his PTSD better now? He's working, so it's gotta be," Eli then softly said as she nodded.

"No, he's progressed really well," she said with a smile. "I think I'd like a baby now," she told Eli.

"You'd make a great mom," he replied, telling her exactly what she needed to hear now, I just knew it.

"Yeah, I think it's time," Dr. Masterson then smiled.

"Cool," Eli then said with a nod.

"Clare, sweetie, my favourite patient," she said, embracing me in a hug. "You were such a ray of light for me," she sighed. "I'll be seeing you next month, okay?" she asked and I nodded in confirmation before we said our final good-byes.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXX Helen's POV**

"Eli, Eli, Skype," Clare said as we were just waiting for her final discharge papers.

"Just leave it," Eli said with a shrug.

"What if it's important?" Clare insisted as she went to the computer. "It's Brett, Eli, mom, Cece, Bullfrog, Eli's boss from New York," she said urgently.

"Really?" I saw Eli ask, looking very confused.

He and Clare sat down on the bed with the computer on their laps while us parents just listened.

"Eli," we heard his boss greet him. "Clare, lovely to see you again. How are you feeling?" he asked politely.

"Great. I'm so happy you're calling, oh my God, I was feeling so sick today but now that you're calling I feel so much better!" she said brightly, completely and totally making that up. And I had a feeling I knew why.

"Really?" Eli's boss asked, surprised.

"Yes, you have no idea! You're the best!" she said jovially. "My poor Eli," she then sighed dramatically, "you know I was up all night last night crying," she said, another lie, but my daughter was quite the actress giving her Academy Award winning performance.

"Why? Because of me?" Eli's boss asked as Eli looked at Clare with look of complete astonishment on his face.

"Yes," Clare said, shooting him a perfect wounded look. "Oh, after you said those awful things to Eli, I felt so bad, I knew he was so sad, and it was so awful, all of my vitals dropped and I felt worse than I have in days. All the doctors were so worried," she said dramatically.

"Now that you're calling, I feel so much better already," she said, opening her eyes up wide. "Oh, but please don't yell at Eli and don't swear at him, it upsets me so, and the doctors say I can't be upset," she said as she sighed dramatically and felt her own forehead.

"Oh my God," Eli's boss then said, "Sweetie, I never meant to do that. It's just that your boyfriend is so damn exasperating," he replied. "Reminds me so much of when I was a teenager, I was just as much of a stubborn punk like Eli is," Brett continued.

"Oh no, don't," Clare said, totally and completely pretending that her head hurt. "See what it does to me, it hurts me," she emphasized. "Tell me you have good news for Eli, anything else I just can't take," she said as Eli wrapped his arm around her.

"Sorry Brett, Clare is so tired," Eli said quietly. "You don't have to call and apologize," Eli said quietly.

"Now who said anything about apologizing? Shut your mouth and listen to me Eli, Goddamn it. I had to go into NYU and fix that fuckery you created," I heard his boss say – what a vocabulary on this man, really.

"What- what do you mean?" Eli asked.

"I just told all those suits that they're such fucking idiots – but in nicer terms of course- for taking away your scholarship and that they made a mistake. I forgot to inform you that you're working as my production assistant in the school year," Brett said as Clare's entire face lit up.

"I-I am?" Eli asked, obviously confused.

"Don't you want to learn about post-production, you punk? There's so much stuff that you have no clue about, I guarantee you that. We might even have to reshoot a couple of scenes, the writing is a little off," he said as Eli widened his eyes.

Clare actually clapped her hands together in excitement as she looked on at the conversation.

Eli's boss then continued, "So I told them their fucking lawyers made a mistake, it's the school's fault for dropping your scholarship by accident and that I'd sue them for unpaid wages for you if they don't give you the scholarship again – they'd mess up my entire hiring plans, you see. I can get anyone to bring me smoothies – but not anyone can write me a scene like you did, Eli. I wanted you and only you – and I explained that. They caved immediately, they apologize to you and guess who's NYU's latest scholarship recipient, or really, they want to say it's all been a big misunderstanding and you never breached the contract seeing how you're doing the work experience with me, just in September. So what do you say kiddo?" he finished.

"What he says," Clare answered for a still-in-shock Eli, "is that you're the best, and thank you so much!" she continued, even blowing him a kiss through the camera. "You're the best. Eli was right about you, you know," Clare then added.

"What did he say?" Eli's boss asked.

"He said you're a man who's worked a lot in his life to get to be where you are but that no one deserves it more," Clare replied.

"No shit, you said that Eli? What a little punk," Brett said with a laugh. "Kiddo, all jokes aside though, you've got a gift. I just explained to the NYU folks that in a few years when you release a blockbuster, reporters and critics can either be writing 'NYU Film graduate' or some other school graduate, and that it was their choice. But that it would be a huge loss to left you walk out of their grasp due to some damn lawyers' technicality. And I mean it, Eli. You've got talent, kid. Now let's see what you do with it – so come to the best place, Eli, come to NYU," Brett finished.

"I will," Eli said as Clare kissed his temple.

"Tonight," Brett then deadpanned. "Like, now, get your ass on a plane, I need you here by five," he finished.

"Five?" Eli asked with widened eyes.

"Yep," Brett said.

"He'll be there," I then heard Eli's dad yell.

"Yes, he will," Clare then said softly with a smile Eli's way before they logged off.

Eli's parents gave him a quick hug, but he was only looking at Clare sadly.

"I wanted to see you all settled at home before I leave," he told her.

"I'll be fine, Eli, you have to go. I'm so happy for you, this is so good," she beamed.

"It's happening so fast," Eli replied.

"I know this summer has been an emotional rollercoaster for you," Clare patiently told him. "And that you've barely had a single second to breathe. But you have to go," she said.

I knew that this was my moment.

"All right now, you two, don't be too sad, and come here and see what I have in my purse," I told them with a smile.

"What is it?" Clare asked me.

"No," Eli gasped as he saw what I pulled out. "Is that for…?" he asked and I nodded with a smile.

"This is for you, Clare, to…go visit Eli one time before your classes start," I made it clear.

"Open ended plane tickets," she gasped. "How?" she then added.

"They are…a gift from your dad," I told her.

"From her dad? To come see _me_?" Eli asked, sounding as surprised as if a shiny green alien had dropped down from the sky and announced he was really Clare's father.

"Your dad just wanted to do something to make you happy," I explained as Clare's lower lip trembled for a minute.

She then made a quick call to her dad, saying just thank you, and also telling him that no, she wasn't ready for a visit from him and might not be for a while. Eli hugged her when he heard that part of the conversation, looking at her with this look in his face as if he were worried she'd break at any point. This kid, man, really – he had that protective gene, I could just tell.

"You're gonna come visit me," Eli beamed. "Well, this makes it so much easier to go," he then laughed. "So much easier if I know for sure when I'll see you next," he indicated.

"Thank you so much Mrs. Edwards," Eli then said, turning to me and messing up my last name in his excitement. "This means so much to me…everything that you did. I mean it," he said, keeping my gaze.

"Of course Eli, just…one thing," I told him, not being able to get past this.

"When Clare comes to visit you…you mentioned your apartment was not in the best part of town," I said.

"Hotel, I'm totally booking her a hotel in a nice safe area," Eli said as I saw his dad nod and mouth "I'll help" to me. I knew he meant he'd help Eli cost-wise which was nice.

"What? No, I want to see your apartment," Clare then said, unhappily.

"You will," Eli told her. "During the day. But at night it's dangerous in my area. Next year we have to find a different neighborhood," he replied, and I could tell that it pleased him immensely to be able to make plans with her for the coming year.

"Perfect," I said. "So Clare will stay at the hotel then," I said out loud, more for my own nerves. I had no illusions about how exactly they'd stay in their time together - I knew for sure they'd spend their night together – but I was glad no one burst my bubble as I said that. I could at least….just outwardly pretend.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXX Eli's POV**

"God, I love you," Clare moaned as I felt her hands snake through my hair as she was pressed up against the large post at the airport. It was…semi-private, but she had been the one to start this insanely hot make-out session, so I guess an audience didn't bother her. We were off to the side, so it was pretty private actually.

"I don't want to get on that plane," I managed to get out as I kissed her neck and her entire body trembled at my action.

"We never got our night together," she whispered as she slipped her hand under my shirt. "It was…meant to be tonight," she said in a voice laced with pure desire as she leaned her head back a bit so I could kiss more of her neck.

"Dammit, I'd like to have our night right here right now," I told her as her hands moved all around underneath my shirt.

"Me too," she moaned, and giggled as I captured her lips again.

"There is a hotel," I then heard her whisper as my heart almost stopped.

"Yes," I breathed. "Dammit, let's go, drug store first, I still don't have anything, dammit," I said, trying to think straight through my love haze.

"Your plane leaves now though," she then said as I groaned in frustration.

"I can't let you go out of my arms right now, I just can't, I can't," she then whispered as she held me closely and kissed me so passionately that I knew I'd completely lost control.

"C-Clare," I sighed as she brought our kiss to a close.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," I told her in between a series of final kisses. "Counting down the freaking minutes till I get to see you," I told her, slowing our next kiss and smoothing out her dress until she regained that sweet air of innocence that I loved so much about her.

"One last thing," I told her as I kissed her forehead, pulling out the necklace that Cece helped me pick out in mad dash to Eaton Centre earlier today.

"For me?" Clare gasped.

"Of course for you," I told her playfully. Her reaction told me she liked it – loved it, even.

It was gold plated, and Cece loaned me the money for it up front; I'd pay her back with my first paycheque, I knew it. Bu my favourite thing about it was the pendant – it was a skyline of New York, but not in a cheesy tourist way; it was an expensive piece of jewellery and the skyline would only be recognized by those who knew it well; it was made by these pretty engravings on the gold pendant. Cece then got the best idea – I didn't even know that you could do this, really – and she took me to the jeweller's at the Bay, the big department store, and got them to add these shiny blue and green stones on each end, so that the necklace sparkled as it caught rays of light.

"Eli, it's so beautiful," Clare said, looking enchanted with it. "My goodness," she gasped as she gestured for me to put it on.

I did so, kissing all around her pretty skin and shoulders with the occasion.

"This is because," I explained, "I can't be here with you all the time. But this necklace can. So whenever you miss me, just look at it, and remember that I am right here too – thinking of you, always, Clare. Always," I repeated, and this time I kissed her slowly, gently, sweetly, as if we had all the time in the world. When her body shuddered and trembled in pleasure and I heard her release a gentle moan when I kissed her neck, feeling her necklace on my lips, I knew that she was just as emotionally with me as I was with her.

"I love you so much," I heard her whisper as she hang on to me tightly.

Walking out of those warm arms was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It felt like a…superhuman effort.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

"Yes, I think I have everything I need," I answered my mom's question. If five days without Eli felt like five months, I have no idea how I'm going to get through five actual month.

"One more thing," my mom said as she handed me a credit card and some money.

She smiled as she said, "I know Eli is a gentleman and likes to pay for things, but just in case. And…I thought maybe one day you can buy him or make him breakfast. Sometimes it's nice to do that, once a boy is like Eli and committed. I think it would be special for him to share that with you, so maybe do it once during your visit," my mom said with a visit.

"Thanks for the advice mom," I said with a smile, because I could tell that my mom was really trying hard here.

"And Clare…I made us an appointment with Dr. Masterson for this afternoon," she then said.

"What? Why?" I really hoped nothing would ruin my New York trip.

"I know you and her have a good connection, and…I thought you'd like it if she were the one to prescribe you…your birth control pills," my mom deadpanned.

I felt…uncomfortable.

"Clare, sweetheart, you don't have to be uncomfortable around me. I just want you to be safe. And I'd still like you two to use condoms, I can't stress that enough. This does not mean no more condoms," my mom said.

"I know, I know," I confirmed.

"Okay, then, don't be embarrassed. I'm your mother. This is important," my mom stressed. "And…if Eli pushes you when you don't want to, I want you to call me and let me know that you moved hotels to the Hilton, it's nearby you," my mom said.

"He won't, he's not like that, he…always checks to make sure it's something I want. It's been…only me…to start, to initiate it. He's…really careful about that," I explained.

"That's exactly as it should be. But just in case, you go to the Hilton, use that credit card, and call me. And we can just have girl talk. I expect a phone call every night. This is a big thing for me, to let you go like this," my mom said.

"I know mom," I replied. "Thank you," I added before I gave her a warm hug.

"I love you," I told her.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Eli's POV**

"I honestly feel like this is a dream, you coming out of the plane at JFK," I confessed as my girl giggled into the pretty pink roses that I met her with. If I thought the make-out in Toronto was something, it had nothing on the way she literally ran and jumped into my arms as I waited in the Arrivals section. We only stopped because – and I kid you not – a security guard came up to us, said there's kids in the airport, and it was time for us to move on.

I thought Clare would be embarrassed, but she only giggled as we walked away, burrowing her body in my embrace with wild giggles.

When she gave me a cheeky look and took off the hood that she had up, my jaw dropped.

"Woah," was all that I could muster. "You…look so sexy," I told her, and she laughed in response.

"No, seriously, I had no idea your hair was so long already," I explained as I ran my hands lovingly through her short, beautifully cut and highlighted pixie cut.

"Holy, you're so sexy," I repeated as I twirled her around. "This hair, damn," I said in wonder as I touched it again and kissed her. "I think it's my favourite out of all your hairstyles, even the curls. Love the styling you did with the hairspray too. It makes you look, older, more sophisticated…so New York punk-rock, I highly approve," I encouraged her, knowing she needed to feel how beautiful she was right now.

"Really?" she asked shyly.

"Clare, I can't get enough of it," I confirmed as I kissed her forehead and her temple. "It's so beautiful, it makes you…different. In such a good way. So…confident," I said, finally finding the right word. It was so hard around her sometimes, because she made me so freaking unhinged. Especially when she rolled out of that plane looking like…that.

She was wearing dark skinny jeans and…a leather jacket. A black thin leather jacket made for summer nights, and she had paired it with a bright red top underneath – I loved red on her.

I had tried my best to look good for her too, wearing a pair of black jeans and a grey military style dress shirt. I even put on cologne to feel a little older and more…in charge of myself.

"Everything," I said, gesturing up and down, "is so smoking hot," I whispered in her ear. "But no matter what you're wearing, you're always my smart and beautiful girlfriend," I encouraged her. "But seriously, best haircut ever, I just can't get enough," I complimented her as she snuggled underneath my arm as I guided her out of the airport.

"I went with Cece…to the salon," she said with the most adorable blush.

"Yea? Hanging out with my momma, Edwards?" I asked her with a smirk.

"She asks me sometimes," Clare explained. "She asked me to go with her to get her hair cut, and I said yes, and asked her for her opinion with mine," she said.

"You look beautiful," I repeated as Clare hid her face in her flowers again.

"What color is my mom's hair now?" I asked, missing home.

"Red," Clare said with a smile. "Your dad's eyes nearly jumped out of his sockets when he saw her, he loved it," she giggled.

"He loves all her haircuts," I said, rolling my eyes at my parents' eyes.

"And your mom is good?" I asked her as she nodded. "Jake and Glen too?" I asked her and she nodded again with a smile.

"I still feel like I'm dreaming," I said with a laugh. "I've imagined this moment – you, here with me, so many times, but nothing compares to the real thing," I explained, pulling her in for a kiss.

She giggled and squeezed my hand as she said, "Just like another thing we imagined a lot and then not even my best dreams could compare to the real thing…when it finally happened," she teased. Man, she was really having fun teasing me with that – except that I rather really liked how she said that it was better than she had dreamed of. Um, I'm not sure that's entirely possible – it was her first time, it must have hurt her just a tiny bit at least. But I'm actually really, really relieved that it all went well for us…emotionally. She was ready, I made sure she was, and I made sure she was responding to me that night and that I was good to her. Out of all the things I've failed her at, I'm really glad that her first night wasn't one for my failures list.

"So what are doing today after we drop my things off? It's still early, we've got all day," she said with a bright smile as I put her things into a cab.

"Oh I've got plans for you Edwards," I teased her. "Welcome to New York City milady," I said as I held her cab door open.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

"That was amazing! Being able to see where you work, Eli, the set, I was just in time before they take it down," I told him.

"And Brett is much more charming in person," I giggled.

"I'm glad you liked it," Eli said with a smile.

"I liked it because…" I said as I leaned in to kiss him, "I know where I can imagine you now. That's all I want," I explained. "I know where to picture you," I told him as I felt his arm wrap around my back.

"What's next?" I asked as Eli paid for the pizza and we sat down after.

"Note the authentic New York fold," he said with a smirk, showing me how to do it as I rolled my eyes at him.

"I bought tickets for us on those sightseeing buses, the double decker one. It'll be really good for you because it does a lap of the whole city, it'll make it easy for you to get your bearings very quickly. And the tickets are good all day, we can hop on and off if we come to stuff we might like to visit like the Guggenheim or the Met or the Tate. I know each of those places takes like a week in its own, but you only have three days here. Something's gonna have to give. But you'll be back soon," he said with a smirk.

"That sounds perfect," I reassured him, and when he found two seats at the top at the very front of the sightseeing bus, I could not have been any happier.

Eli was right – using the map they gave me and by doing a few laps on it - it was unlimited travel all day long – I did start to understand the city really quickly. We did get off at the Met and he paid for our admission while we quickly browsed.

We then got back on the bus and I decided to sit in his lap this time, as it was almost 9pm and there weren't a lot of people on the bus. As it rode around the city, my favourite thing was that I could feel the wind in my hair – my own hair, that is, so I stood up a little and stretched my arms out up high, like those sex-pot girls always do in those action movies in convertibles. I don't know why I did that, but I felt Eli hanging onto me protectively and…I just felt so free in that moment, as if coming here to New York brought me to a time outside of space and time in Toronto. I felt a million miles away from all of my worries in Toronto and just…enjoyed feeling the wind in my hair as I felt Eli's arms hanging onto me as I giggled and he smirked up at me.

We got off at the main Central Park stop, where I saw a horse-drawn carriage waiting down a set of stairs.

"You didn't," I told him as I raised an eyebrow at him.

"Hey – may I just point out how brutally rejected I was last time?" he said with a laugh.

"If I remember correctly, you weren't exactly rejected on the way back," I whispered in his ear as I saw a smile cross his lips.

"Still," Eli replied. "The sun is setting. Let's go see Central Park," he argued, placing his jacket around my shoulders. I had left my leather jacket at my hotel foolishly, because as the sun was setting, it was getting so much colder.

"Are you cold?" I asked him as we settled in the seats. The carriage even had a blanket in it – it was that cold.

"Not at all," he replied with a happy grin on his face as he pulled me onto his lap and I giggled.

I sighed happily as I rested my head on his chest.

"You tired, sweetheart?" Eli then whispered in my ear. "I can have us in a cab and at your hotel in twenty minutes," he added, and I could tell that he was still very much aware of not pushing my health limits.

"No, this is so relaxing," I told him, because it really was.

"Central Park is so beautiful with the sunset," I sighed happily as I fixed the blanket around us. "I can see why you love it so much here. There's so much to do, so much to see. I can't wait…until I'm here too," I ventured.

"Me either, Clare. Me either," Eli told me. "And you will be. Soon," he encouraged me.

"So beautiful, look at this, it's so gorgeous," I remarked, embedded by the tranquility of hearing Eli's heartbeat as I lay on his chest. I was feeling the tiredness from my flight catch up with me.

"Eli," I then said thoughtfully. "What is your favourite…memory in our relationship," I asked him. "Your favourite moment".

"Oh, that's easy Edwards. Without a doubt pro-" he began with a smirk.

"Don't you dare say prom night," I said, holding up a very menacing index finger as Eli exploded into laughter. I couldn't help it either – I laughed too.

"Nah," he then said softly, and I knew he was turning serious. "But it is easy, Clare. Without a doubt it's…when you came back to me. Without a doubt," he said, kissing my hand.

"At the hospital?" I asked, wanting to be precise.

"No," Eli said softly. "After…Jake. When you came back to me after Jake, at Adam and Drew's party. When…you said you were all in. God, Clare," he then sighed. "Hearing you say those words and make that kind of commitment, it was…all I had ever wanted," he finished, his body trembling a bit. I took away that shiver with a slow and gentle kiss as I adjusted myself in his embrace again.

"What about you?" Eli asked. "What's your favourite memory?"

"If I had to choose…I'd say…prom night," I then said thoughtfully as Eli shot me a surprised look.

"Really? I'm that good, huh?" he then said, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

"No!" I giggled, punching his arm in response.

"I mean," I explained, "the whole night, yes, but…when we danced and you said you'd never stop fighting for us. That…that dance. It just felt very special to me. Which is probably why it also was when I was ready, truly and really ready. You were so good to me that entire night, and the dance is something I'll remember forever," I told him as I played with the hair around his ear.

"Hmm," Eli said thoughtfully. "Sounds like I should take my girl out dancing more," he then added.

"I…I saw this," I then told him, seeing how we were on this subject anyway. I handed him the folded out poster and he studied it.

"Flamenco show at Euzkadi," he read out loud. "You want to go to this?" he asked.

"I know you already made plans for my time here," I said.

"No, no, come on, you want to go," he said sweetly. "Look, they have a dinner show with dancing after too. Plans are just a guideline Clare, of course we can go," Eli said with a smirk as he kissed my cheek. He kept scanning the flyer though, and I had the feeling I knew why.

"It's a little expensive, but I thought you would let me get these tickets," I began.

"I got it," he said as he nuzzled my neck. "I was just trying to figure out if we need to buy them before, like ahead of time. Stuff like that in the East Village can be hard to get into sometimes. I'll call tonight and make sure we can get in," he said, his voice soft and low as he teased my neck with gentle kisses.

"So we're gonna go?" I asked excitedly. I had even…bought a dress for the occasion. My mom helped me pick it out, once again totally surprising me and choosing an extremely sexy but classy dress that I didn't even find in the store. She had made me promise, however, to only wear it in New York when walking with Eli, never by myself. As if I was going to spend any time by myself when I was here – I wanted every second only with Eli, obviously.

"Claro que si, senorita," Eli said in his best Spanish impression.

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you," I said excitedly, rewarding him with a kiss.

"Clare, any time you want to do something, just let me know and I'll take you. Doesn't matter if it's something that you think I won't like. If I'm going with you, I'll like it," Eli explained as I felt him caressing my legs underneath my dress.

"Eli," I then whispered into his ear, standing up a little bit, "Where are we going to spend the night actually? At your place? Or at the hotel?" I asked him, feeling all giddy with excitement.

"The hotel is very close to here," he said thoughtfully. "And you can see my place tomorrow for sure, but I don't want you there in that region at night time, it's scary. I…I can go home to my apartment too tonight, Clare. I can…be a gentleman and drop you off at your hotel if you need some privacy," he said, and I loved him for saying that, but there was no way that I wanted that right now.

"No way," I whispered slowly, accentuating every word in his ear as I kissed his neck. "You. In my bed. That's what's happening tonight," I said as I gave his thigh a squeeze underneath the blanket. I watched in amusement as his eyes grew as wide as possible and he shuffled a bit, also giddy with excitement, I could tell.

"Your wish is my command then milady," he said, and I settled back into his arms for the rest of the ride.

We took a cab to the hotel and headed up to my room, Eli trailing behind me as I held his hand the entire way, feeling nostalgic at the memories that that brought.

He had booked me at such a nice hotel – the Park Hyatt, and my room had a gorgeous view. He had even ordered little chocolates to be waiting for me when I arrived. I knew that Brett had given him a large bonus for the writing that he had done, and that Brett had gotten him writing other things already, and I had a feeling some of that financial recompensation went into this wonderful hotel. It was in a very elegant area of Manhattan, and I really did feel on vacation. Eli told me this was like a treat for me since I hadn't really had a vacation this summer, and that he wanted to treat me on this trip, and that next year we can be poor students all we want, but that he wanted this trip to be a chance for me to find a "total escape" as he called it. So far, he was doing a wonderful job.

"I have to call my mom," I said as we both collapsed onto the bed, exhausted.

"You do that," Eli encouraged me. "I'm gonna call that Spanish flamenco place, hopefully get us in, and if it's all right…I'd like to have a shower quickly," he said.

"Yes, yes, go ahead, take your time," I encouraged him.

He rushed off to go do that while I chatted with my mom about the day. I heard the water just turn on as I said bye to my mom, so I reasoned that it took him a while to figure out the flamenco reservations.

Just…five minutes while he showers. I'll just close my eyes for five minutes.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Eli's POV**

Why am I so nervous? It's not our first time. Why do I feel just as nervous? Snap out of it, I told myself as I dried my hair with the towel as much as possible.

I've missed her so much, and I can't wait to be with her – I need to make this wonderful for her now. I know a little more of her rhythms now, I want to make this really, really good. She's so amazing to me and her love is so, so strong – I want her to experience a really powerful moment with me, so I think I'm gonna –

_Oh. _

She's asleep.

I exhaled deeply and headed back to the washroom to have a drink of water. The bathroom was so nice. The entire room was so nice. I could tell that Clare felt safe and comfortable here, so it was worth the almost eight hundred bucks that I paid for her three nights. And Brett majorly came through for me – he gave me the time completely off when he knew Clare was coming and he promised he'd never call me under any circumstances. He also…gave me a bonus for that short screenplay that I wrote for him. Like…a huge bonus. Said it could help me with textbooks and stuff. And with Clare's visit – he just got it, he just…understood. Once I got that bonus, I relaxed and got my girl this nice hotel.

I ran a comb through my hair once again.

_I'm not disappointed. I'm not disappointed. She's exhausted – and that's my fault. _

I slipped out of the bathroom quietly and grabbed one of the plush robes – this was much better than rummaging through her bag and trying to find her pyjamas. I'll just slip her into this for the night. It's so soft, she should feel comfortable in this.

I slipped in bed right next to her and she stirred and softly moaned.

I went right for the button on her jeans and she giggled. Um, okay.

"Eli," she moaned softly. Okay, if I was gonna change her and get her into this robe, that really wasn't gonna help. She was so damn sexy when she moaned like that.

"I'm just gonna change you," I whispered. This was an old routine of ours by now, I knew the drill.

When she giggled again, I actually went through the night again in my mind. Nope, she hadn't had any alcohol at any point.

I was also dead tired though, and I didn't want to beat around the bush with this – she was wearing a lot of pieces, and I didn't want this to take hours.

I lifted her gently and slipped her jeans off, quickly also sliding off her shirt.

"Mmmmm Eli," I heard her say as her eyes slightly opened. Yep, that was happening She was totally dreaming of me. And I must admit, I rather liked that. It was…hot.

"Almost done," I whispered back, and she giggled madly at those words as she turned around brusquely and actually hit my face with her elbow. Awesome, thanks for that.

"No, you're not," she giggled. "Eli," she then whispered drowsily. Goodness gracious - this was crazy. If she was going to go through that whole thing in her mind, at least if she woke up I could make it good for her.

I lifted her body gently off the bed and reached behind her and unhooked her bra – she was so incredibly gorgeous, wearing a bright red lace bra. Something tells that was probably meant for me to see, but alas, there goes that plan. I definitely stared for a minute – maybe it was longer – before I finally took a deep breath and slid it off as she giggled some more.

I slipped on the robe and tied the tie around the waist and sighed deeply. While she was still softly moaning my name, I had to get to bed.

"Eli, oh," she gently breathed, actually killing me. What the hell was she dreaming about? And how can a person actually giggle in their sleep? I had never seen anything like that before.

"Y-yes," I then heard her distinctly say as she stretched a little.

You've got to be kidding me. I didn't want to wake her up, but this was driving me crazy.

"Eli," she then breathed again, turning on her side.

I couldn't do this, I was going nuts here.

"Oh," she then sighed deeply, turning on her other side. Just what the hell am I supposed to do here? Wake her up? I can't.

I felt her shift around a little and decided to pull her into my arms. Her eyes opened up for sure and she even stood up a little.

"Woah," she said, looking around confused. "What happened," she asked, sounding totally exhausted.

"You tell me," I told her with a smirk. "You were writhing around in your sleep moaning my name," I reported with a pleased smirk.

"Dream on, Eli," she replied, but her cheeks were totally flushed.

"Did you take my clothes off?" she then asked, feeling the robe.

"Yes, but woah, hang on I didn't do anything creepy, I swear," I defended myself.

"I know," she said, calming my fears quickly.

"I just wanted you to sleep comfortably. I thought…since you let me do that before, it would be okay," I specified.

"Yeah no, it's fine," she said, shooting me a reassuring smile.

"Go back to bed and moan my name some more," I said, teasing her a little. "So, do you do this every night?" I asked with wide eyes as my inquiry was met with a swift punch on my shoulder.

"I was not, you're delusional, Eli," she giggled.

"Hotels have cameras, right?" I asked playfully.

"Not inside the rooms, silly," she teased.

I then watched her laboriously stand up. She looked so…exhausted.

"What are you doing," I gently asked her.

"I'm up," Clare said, but her whole demeanour was so…sleepy.

"Sweetheart," I called her, because in that moment she was just so…sweet. "You're so tired," I sighed.

"I'm up," she repeated.

"I love you so much," I then said, feeling my heart swell with love for her. "Let's go to sleep," I said finally.

"But I said… in the carriage…I don't want to let you down," she said, not meeting my gaze.

"Oh Clare, that's not possible. You could never let me down. Not by not having sex with me. I don't want to anytime that you don't want to – that's the rule," I told her reassuringly.

"It's not that I don't want to," she began.

"I know, but you're tired and we've got a full day tomorrow. You're just not in the mood. It's fine, it's okay," I told her as I kissed her shoulder.

"I love you," she said urgently.

"I love you too. Please don't worry about this. No big deal," I told her as I cuddled in my embrace.

I timed it. It took her fourty-five seconds to fall asleep. I knew I had done the right thing when I saw that.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

"It's awesome, and the area isn't so bad. It's everything I imagined your apartment to be, down to the lights around your bed," I told Eli as we were making our way to the Empire State building.

We ran to make the elevator in his building to go down, and a cute little old lady was moving the outer iron gate at a glacial place. Eli moved to help her, and I was shocked to see her shove him away.

Everyone then proceeded to watch her continue her glacial place – it really did take her about three minutes to inch the iron gate further and further along, stubbornly.

"Ms. Richardson, you been working out?" Eli then cheekily asked, being responded to with a grunt.

It took everything I had in me to wait until we were outside to burst out in laughter – wild, uncontrollable laughter that also overtook Eli. It was moments like these that I loved so much; and he even picked me up and spun me around a little. He was obviously on Clud 9 with me here – he was just…his cup was full of happiness, and I knew it.

"Better start scoping the city out for where you want our place next year to be," he said as we went into the ticket line.

I know that it was cheesy, but I did ask him to buy the pictures they took of us at the top, and I bought a present for my mom and a few things for Alli and Jenna as well.

Eli took me to a great Greek place for lunch, before we headed to the Statue of Liberty - this was it, my super touristy day, and I loved every single second of it. It was even sunny, just how I wanted it.

After we got back from the Statue of Liberty, it was time to head towards Euzkadi, the Spanish flamenco place. I liked figuring out the huge puzzle that was the subway system, and Eli just watched me do it, amused - as if he had been a New Yorker all his life.

"Cool spot," Eli said as they found our reservation and we were escorted to a table in the corner of the dark restaurant. I could tell that almost everyone else was a Spaniard, or Mexicans who really spoke Spanish as well obviously – Eli and I were a bit different than the other clients, but I absolutely loved it.

The flamenco dancers were so beautiful and so passionate – just the sound of the Spanish guitar on its own was so beautiful, but the dancing was completely mesmerizing to me. We had something like this in Toronto too, but these dancers were obviously so much better – real Spaniards.

The place had a small stage where the guitar players sat on stools and the girls danced in front. We ordered a whole bunch of tapas, Spanish appetizers and had no idea what we were eating half the time, as no one could find us an English version of the menu – for some reason we only had the Spanish one. We both found that hilarious, and decided to order random appetizers and eat them – no matter what. When Eli was faced with this really weird octopus-like thing, I thought the game was over, but he ate it – and said he loved it, making me take a bit too. I might have been the one on a "total escape" as Eli had termed my three days, but I could tell that he needed this break too. I know that he worked a crazy schedule.

When the performances ended, they opened up a dance area by lowering the stage, and the dancers mixed in and taught others how to do it.

At one point, one of those gorgeous Spanish ladies with flowing dark hair and brown skin came up and accosted poor Eli who was minding his own business waiting for me to return from the washroom – I saw it all as I was walking back. She asked if he wanted to join the dance lesson, and he just said, "I'm waiting for my girlfriend, no thanks," and that was that. A+ for Eli.

When I did come back, I hugged him from behind and kissed his hair. He had been buying me sangria, a nice-tasting Spanish alcoholic beverage, as well as the dinner, so I did feel a little more…adventurous. I wasn't drunk, but I did definitely have a little buzz. I didn't even realize it until I had to go the washroom.

"Mmm, hello. Missed you," I heard him say as I settled onto his lap. One thing I was noticing – Spaniard and PDA? Whole new level here. It was making me a little bit braver as well – the way they were all dancing up on each other; surely a little bit of sitting in his lap wouldn't be a problem here.

"Thank you for taking me here," I breathed as I ran my fingers through his hair.

"Anyplace you want," Eli said, before capturing my lips in a kiss. When I moved to straddle him, his face lit up like a kid with a cookie.

"So sexy," I heard him whisper in my ear as he ran his fingers through my short hair. I felt his chair move back a bit as he lost his balance and almost fell backwards, chair and all, which got a mad giggle out of me.

"If you fall, I'll fall too," I told him.

"I got you, don't worry," Eli replied, resting his hands on my hips and looking up at me meaningfully.

"I know," I told him before leaning in for a kiss.

"I love this dress," he then complimented me. I must say, it did fit in with the place well – it was red, with a wavy trim at the bottom. It had black straps with tiny red detailing along the edges. I know that Eli loved me in red and it was also pretty short and tight; it fit my figure perfectly, and I paired it with a black pashmina to protect me against the cold. The pashmina was on my chair now, though.

"I'll," I whispered, looking right into his eyes as I continued, "I'll let you take it off," I finished, and I thought it was hilarious that Eli actually…gulped. Then he just stood there frozen, not knowing what to say in response – and I absolutely loved when this happened.

"I want to dance," I then breathed into his ear before kissing his neck a few times.

"Let's dance then," he said, lingering just a minute longer to give me a warm, wet kiss.

"I don't know flamenco," Eli then whispered in my ear as we got onto the floor.

"Eli, this is salsa now, silly, they've changed it," I told him. "Just…dance with me," I told him, but just at that time, I felt the music change to a slow Latin rhythm and the DJ said something about a rumba. I wasn't entirely sure what that was, but I did know that it was a slow dance. Perfect.

"Hey, what you wanted," Eli said as he pulled me in, and I knew he meant that in reference to me sharing with him that our favourite memory was our dance.

"Perfect," I smiled as I felt one of his hands wrap around my back and he took my hand with the other one. I kissed him as we were dancing, and then I changed our position so that my hands were wrapped around his neck; this let me be closer to him.

I think Eli noticed that everyone was a lot more touchy-feely in this place, because he didn't hesitate in running his hands…all over my body, making me shiver and giggle in pleasure as he gently caressed my back.

I also didn't hesitate to run my hands down his chest, and I opened up a few more buttons on his black dress shirt, whispering something about Latin men that didn't really turn out to be that funny, but he laughed anyway.

"I love you," Eli then whispered as his kisses moved to my neck, and I cuddled into him. I loved the darkness of the place, and the way I felt like this music was just for me and him – this moment was just for me and him.

"I love you too," I replied as I turned around and rested against his chest, letting his hand now roam free down my front. When he actually slipped it inside my dress, caressing my chest, I gasped. He retreated it once he felt that, but I put my hand on top of his and said, "No, keep it," because looking around – it seemed like everyone else was re-enacting a scene out of Dirty Dancing. Eli was keeping it G rated in comparison to those other guys, who were pretty much undressing those girls and getting it on with them.

I could tell that his breathing was quickening, and I turned back around as his hands returned to my back. When I looked at him, I saw that his face was red.

"I loved it," I told him, because I knew that he was a little unsure.

"Yeah?" he asked, lowering his hands down my body as we swayed to the music.

"Uh huh," I nodded as I pulled him in for a kiss. This was…amazing, being with the boy that I loved like this. If Alli would see me now, she'd definitely say this is out of character but – here's the thing. I'm with Eli. I feel safe, and happy, and loved, and I know that I'm protected in here with him. No guy is going to hurt me like they hurt Darcy because I'm with Eli. I can…be a bit freer, a bit more relaxed and adventurous with him. He really cares about me, and that makes me…able to relax like this.

"So…you like dancing now," I asked as I pulled away from the kiss.

"Yes, definitely, new favourite activity," Eli said, not missing a bit. He then laughed and pulled me in closer, kissing my forehead. It was moments like that that I loved him so much – here are all these other guys pretty much stripping these girls, and Eli is kissing my forehead. There's another thing too – admission here was eighty dollars per ticket. These are not random people off the street, I can tell – they are dancers. This is like…their place, and Eli and I are the odd ones out. But I don't care. We are in our own universe and that's all I care about right now.

I turned around again and moved his hands to my hips as I rested my head on his shoulders and he gently began kissing my neck. I moaned in his arms at his kisses, and he continued as I felt his right hand this time head up my body and he slipped it inside my dress once he reached my chest. The combined sensation of his kisses and the action of his hand was making my knees weak and I giggled in his arms as I felt him smirk against my skin.

"God, Eli," I moaned. "Best night ever," I giggled as I held onto his right arm with my hand. He was being so gentle, so passionate, and I could barely take it anymore.

I turned around with a sigh that he mirrored as he smirked at me.

"You're really letting me cross some lines tonight Edwards," Eli whispered as he drew me into his arms. I just looked up at him and nodded, pushing his bangs back.

"I love dancing with you," I told him with a smile, and as the music changed, he twirled me and I ended back up in his arms before I began dancing a bit more to the music, holding onto his arm and dancing against him as he watched me, mesmerized.

"You're so beautiful," he told me, his mouth a little open as he watched me and kissed me whenever I danced against his body.

"Are you having a good time here, in New York with me," he then whispered.

"The best," I replied honestly as I got more comfortable with the motion of our bodies close together, his left leg in between my legs as I closed my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder.

"You tired?" he asked, his voice laced with worry after a few minutes. He was rubbing my back gently with his hands.

"No," I lied. I turned around again, resting my back against his chest and leaning my head on his shoulder, hoping he would understand my silent message to kiss my neck. He did, almost at once.

I smiled and moved his right hand from my hip to my chest, and I felt him shiver in response. I felt the coolness of his touch against my skin as I closed my eyes and felt my senses go into overdrive as the music flooded my ears. His hand was so gentle, yet so determined as it moved inside my dress.

"Let's go," I then breathed, as I was roping my fingers through his hair, reaching behind me and making his hair very messy. "God, Eli, let's go, take me to the hotel," I said clearly and I swear I felt him shiver again before his hand slipped out of my dress and he kissed my lips gently. He scanned me up and down and tugged on my dress a bit, straightening it. He placed my pashmina around me before we went outside, where a taxi was already waiting for us – he must have texted for one as he was helping me get ready to go.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

"Did you call your mom tonight," Eli said in the hotel elevator as he gently held my hand.

"Yes, when I was in the washroom," I told him.

"Eli," I then said, leaning up against him and placing his hand on my hip, "I…there's something I want to show you," I said as I rummaged through my bag.

When I held up the purple container and he just shrugged and gave me a "what's that" look, I was actually kind of surprised.

I opened the case and hoped he'd be enlightened. He was, because he gasped a little.

"Since when," he asked as he kissed my forehead.

"Recently, just earlier this week," I said.

"Okay. Thank you for letting me know. I love knowing what's going on with you, health wise. And…on my end, I'll just keep doing the same," Eli replied, and I loved him for saying that.

"Are the ones I use okay," he then whispered as he hugged me.

I nodded as I looked into his eyes.

"They don't feel uncomfortable, hurt you or bother you," he enumerated.

"No, not at all. I just…wanted double the prevention, the safety," I explained. "My mom took me and Dr. Masterson prescribed them," I explained, and Eli's eyes widened at both those names.

"Oh man," he groaned. "I'm sorry, sweetheart, that I couldn't take you myself to the doctor. What did your mom say?" Eli asked with a grimace.

"She was cool about it," I told him.

"I love you," Eli then said as we reached our floor and he inserted the key card into the room door.

"I love you too," I said with a smile. "I'm going to go have a shower, quickly, okay?" I told him and he nodded with wide eyes.

I was just getting my things ready for my shower when I noticed him looking at me the entire time as if he wanted to ask something.

_Oh. _

_I remember. _

"_When I'm better, I'll take you into the shower with me. For…shower sex". _

I did say that. That's why he's got huge puppy eyes, following my every step. Um…Oh man.

He's not asking though. He's not saying anything, he's just trying to gage where I'm at, I can tell.

I decided that I can't just leave him like this – not Eli; he'd fret about my every action until the sun came up. He needed some help here.

"Eli," I said sweetly as I sat down in his lap. I saw him looking up at me, full of…curiosity.

"Uh huh," he said softly.

"I know what I promised," I began.

"I wasn't thinking about that," he immediately retorted, but after I shot him a doubtful look, he could no longer deny it and he held up his hands in a defensive gesture.

"Um, sorry," he stumbled.

"You don't have to apologize," I told him sweetly as I felt him place a trail of butterfly kisses up and down my arm.

"But Eli, I don't…think I can tonight. Not…yet. I…feel a little gross and I just want the shower to be…private," I tried to explain.

"Understood. Clare, you don't have to explain. If you had wanted to, you can just tell me, like only if you want to. You don't have to explain if you don't want to," he said, gently running his fingers through my hair.

"When I come back from the shower though, okay?" I asked him.

"Um, you said you don't think you can tonight, that you feel a little off," Eli replied.

"For the shower. When I come back though," I said with a wink as I headed off.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

I ran the hairdryer through my hair quickly and cursed myself for forgetting to bring in my Victoria's Secret bag into the washroom with me. I had found the most perfect thing and I had this vision of myself coming out of it from the washroom to show Eli.

"I'm not ready yet," I blurted out when I came out.

_Oh. He's asleep. _

And to be honest, when I saw him sound asleep, I realized that…I was dead tired too.

Maybe just a few hours. I'll wake him up in a few hours, once we're both a little more rested.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV**

"What time is it?" I said as I shot up.

"Shh, sweetheart," I heard Eli say as he gently embraced me. He had showered and changed at some point since last night, I could tell.

"What time is it?" I repeated.

"It's one," he replied.

"In the afternoon? I SLEPT ALL NIGHT AND HALF THE DAY?" I asked in a panic. I had just wasted so much of our time together!

"Hey, it's okay," Eli said, because I think he could see that I was distressed.

"NO, I wasted all of our time, you made plans, you made plans," I said as I rushed to get distressed.

"Clare, can we talk a minute?" Eli asked as he brought me over the most amazing lunch. He had made this – he had made this Panini and salad himself. He also brought me a smoothie, a peach, and a glass of water – all my favourite things.

"I'm so hungry," I said as I began to eat.

"Did you make this?" I asked, gesturing at the kitchenette in our hotel suite. He just nodded.

"_So good_," I emphasized, and that got a smile out of him.

"I'm a little worried," Eli began.

"About what?" I asked him.

"That I'm making you do too many things while here. I kept you out so late last night dancing, and you sleeping in like this is your body's signal that you need more rest. We need to listen to that signal," he said sweetly.

"Okay," I nodded, giving him this one. "But we did listen, as you let me sleep, and now I'm rested," I said.

"You…sometimes don't tell me when you're tired, I think," Eli said. Bingo. "Please don't do that again," he asked and I just shot him a sad smile.

"It's just that I'm so excited to be with you, I don't want to miss a single moment," I tried to explain myself.

"Me too," Eli said.

"But I guess we might be pushing it too hard when we're too tired to…you know, both nights," I pointed out, frowning.

"That's no big deal," Eli waved it off.

"Tonight is my last night here," I said, the realization sinking in. "I leave early tomorrow morning," I said.

"I'll miss you so much," Eli said sadly.

"I'll miss you too," I said, touching the necklace that I wore every day. I saw Eli smile at that.

"What are we doing today?" I asked him as I bit into my peach.

"I thought maybe you'd like to just rest," Eli replied, still looking worried.

"In the original itinerary, what did you have," I asked.

"I thought we could go to Staten Island on the ferry, see the museum there about the immigration to New York," he suggested.

"Sounds wonderful, especially the ferry part," I said with an approving smile.

"You sure?" Eli double-checked.

"Do we still have enough time or did I blow it," I asked, worried.

"Plenty of time. And then I can take you to dinner tonight," Eli said.

"I…I wanted to cook you a meal at some point, now I blew that too," I replied.

"The last thing I want you to do on your days of escape is slave over a hot stove for me. Forget it Edwards. Besides, I want to take you out, show you off," he said with a wink. I laughed in response.

"It would have been so nice of me, though, to make you breakfast," I said, remembering my mom's words.

"You can cook the first breakfast in our new place together," Eli said with a shrug.

"Deal," I said, and we pinky-swore it.

His idea of Staten Island really was perfect; I loved how I could see the New York skyline that was on my necklace in person from the ferry. We stood outside – it was so sunny – against the railing the entire time, Eli hugging me from behind and planting kisses on my shoulders.

The museum was fascinating, and it let us touch on something that I didn't know much about before – the history of New York.

Just as we were walking back to the ferry terminal though, on this most beautiful boardwalk, I saw something that caught my eye. Why not really finish out my days of escape in style, I thought.

"Eli," I said, gesturing at the side of the boardwalk.

"I want to do that," I gestured.

"Really? You want to do that? Are you sure? You kidding me Edwards?" he asked, flabbergasted.

"Only with you. Only if you do it. Can we?" I asked, pouting at him a little. He caved in under a second – new record.

"Of course, but just…you sure?" he asked again, and I could tell that he loved it.

"Positive," I confirmed. "What are you doing," I then giggled as I saw him reach for his phone.

"Adam is never gonna believe me unless there is photographic evidence of this," Eli said as I laughed.

"All right then, let's go rent one," Eli said, and I could tell that he loved my spontaneity.

"You driven one of these before, kid?" the older man asked Eli, shooting him a doubtful look.

"Of course," Eli said, with a perfectly Marlon-Brando cool expression.

"Licence," the man then said.

Oh crap.

When Eli pretended to roll his eyes in frustration and pulled a piece of plastic out of his wallet, I could not be more surprised.

"Let's pretend that's real," the old man then said, and he genuinely did roll his eyes. "You're Canadian, kid, I can't be expected to know all licences under the sun if the cops ask, but do you know what you're doing or are you going to ruin my stuff," the man asked Eli.

"My dad has both an '87 Ducati and a '06 Harley," Eli replied.

"Suit yourself kid. You break it, you buy it. What about the girl. She with you?" the man asked.

"My girlfriend," Eli said proudly. I do notice that he loves to say that.

"She got a fake licence too?" the old man asked, sounding very very bored.

"Um, no," I got out.

"She can go on the back with you, but no driving," the man sternly said as he pulled out two helmets. This means we were in!

Eli handed over a credit card, punched in a PIN and just like that, it was all done.

"My big scary biker boyfriend," I teased as I pretended to feel his biceps. Weird thing was that now, he actually had biceps. His body has changed recently, he felt…older.

"You ready Edwards?" Eli asked as we slipped on our helmets.

"Yes," I squeaked as Eli got on the bike as if he had done this all his life.

"You do really know how to do this, right?" I confirmed.

"Just get on," he said with a roll of his eyes as he pulled me onto the bike as I exploded in giggles. "If this weren't safe, we wouldn't be doing it," Eli said as I wrapped my arms around his waist.

"Hang on," Eli said, and I noticed that he started out slow, but yeah – he really did know how to do this. It was smooth and…so much fun! I absolutely loved it, and he went all up and down the boardwalk, going faster and faster as I yelled that at him.

I could hear him laughing when I laughed and it was…amazing. I knew that we both felt so free in that moment, something that we both needed.

When he hopped off, I thought our rental time had expired.

"Your turn," he then said, though, and I just about died.

"I get a turn?" I asked. "But the man said,-" I began.

"I don't see him anywhere," Eli said, pretending to look. "Do you?" he then dared me with his eyes, I could just tell, so I got on the front before I could fully process this and back out.

He jumped on the back and guided my hands to the right place, and began to explain.

"It's heavy," I remarked.

"You got it, you got it," he said reassuringly and I loved him so much in this moment.

"That's the clutch," he said, guiding my hand to the left hand side.

"The break is here on your right," Eli then told me, trying it with me, his hand over top of mine.

"The gears are on the left, put one down gently," he instructed, and I did as he said.

"Okay," I said, both excited and nervous.

"Okay, now you're gonna give a little bit on the clutch, and you're gonna go a little this way," he said, guiding my hands properly.

"A little give, a little go," he repeated as I repeated it teasingly.

"Yeah you got it," he said with a smirk.

I then went for it, but the sudden motion made him fall off the bike as I moved forward. Just before I could panic though, I felt him hop back on. The bike did not go as smoothly under my command, it was oscillating a lot from side to side, but I was doing it! I was doing it!

"That's my girl," Eli said proudly, guiding my hands so that I would press down the right amount. We stabilized a bit and I was going it! I was doing it!

"A little break," he said gently, and we went even smoother then.

"I got it," I then said, and he gently lifted his hands from on top of mine.

"Voila!" Eli then said as I was completely doing it on my own! All on my own!

I took us down the boardwalk two whole times, all on my own until the man who ran the shop actually ran out, flagged us down, and gave Eli a huge lecture.

Eli just shrugged it off and as soon as we were within a few blocks, all I had to do was give him one look and we both completely erupted in laughter.

"Amazing," Eli said, as he literally had to wipe a tear away from his eye.

"Thank you," I told him. "That was without a doubt the coolest thing I've done in a long time," I said, and I kissed him sweetly.

"Of course. So glad you had fun. I even got a few shots of you," he said.

"No!" I gasped. "When?"

"I'm a man of many talents," Eli said with a smirk.

"I can put them on my Twitter and Face Range," I said with a smile.

"Yep," Eli nodded, and I loved the way that he held me as we sipped a Coke on the return leg on the ferry, just looking out at the skyline of the city.

"You'll be back before you know it," he whispered in my ear, perfectly able to read my mind.

He then took me to the most adorable Italian restaurant for dinner, where I had the most delicious risotto of my life, and the best piece of tiramisu I have ever tried.

I didn't want the night to end, though, so we went for a ride in a little tourist trolley, and I pointed out to him all the things that I was now recognizing, making him very proud, I could tell.

When it began to get chilly outside, I paused in the middle of the street as Eli was explaining the difference between a 16:9 ratio and a 23:8 one.

"Eli," I said, placing a finger against his lips, "I want you to take me to my hotel now," I said clearly.

"You tired?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I slept half the day, Eli," I said. "I am not tired," I whispered. "I want you to take me to my hotel and stay. No falling asleep," I said quietly.

"I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be a man if I fell asleep," he relied in a tranquil voice.

"So take me," I said with a smile, and I felt him give my hand a squeeze.

"Taxi," he called, whistling with his fingers. A yellow cab that had passed us already stopped, and backed up.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Eli's POV**

"Did you call your mom tonight?" I asked Clare, wanting to make sure that she did that. I had called Helen before Clare got here, just to check in and to remind her that I'm alive. A sort of, Hey Helen, remember me, Clare's soulmate who stayed in the hospital with you, don't forget I exist and I need you on my team…phonecall.

Her mom didn't lecture me, she just told me sternly that Clare was the most precious thing in her life and that she was trusting me with the most precious thing in her life. I told her that Clare was also the most precious thing in her life and that only over my dead body would I ever let anything happen to her. I told Helen that if Clare and I fight, I'd call her right away, which was one of the conditions she said she had for me to get Clare for a few days. There were few conditions, and I saw the rationale in each of them.

Clare should never go anywhere alone. From the minute I met her at the airport, to the minute I dropped her off at the airport, I was to remain by her side. When Helen gave me those time parameters, that to me implied nights, so I gladly accepted this condition immediately. In fact, they were starting to sound pretty good to me at that point.

If we had a fight, I was supposed to call Helen right away.

I should give Clare a chance to rest.

I should make sure Clare eats three meals a day.

I was not to pressure her into anything that she didn't want to do, like boat rides and stuff if she didn't want to.

That was the actual example Helen gave me – boat rides. Pretty sure we both knew she wasn't talking any boat ride. I was pretty offended she thought I'd pressure Clare, but I think she meant it more as a reminder. Whatever. I followed the damn conditions. Clare only had one condition – to call her mom, and Helen informed me of that one too, so I was gonna made damn sure that Clare followed it, or else she wouldn't be allowed to visit me again

"Yes, I spoke to her," Clare said with a smile.

"Good," I replied as I laid a gentle kiss on her lips.

We got to our floor and Clare took some things out of her bag and rushed to the bathroom.

"Don't fall asleep," she said sternly.

"I'm gonna go to the spare washroom down the hall while you're in there, okay?" I asked, because she wasn't the only one who wanted to get ready.

I went down the hallway and locked the bathroom door. I used the washroom, washed my hands, and then ran some cold water across my face. I brushed my teeth, combed my hair and sprayed on some of that cologne that I brought with me.

I was wearing just a pair of jeans and a army-brown dress shirt.

I had no idea why I was so nervous again. Was it going to be like this every time for me with her? This nervousness? I felt my body tremble a bit as I returned to the room. The door to the bathroom was still closed, so I sat down on the bed for a minute. I then dimmed the lights a bit and lit some candles - Clare had this thing for candles, for her it was like the ultimate romantic thing. I was not a big candle guy myself, but I knew that she loved it, so I had ordered some from the hotel and kept them in a drawer.

With the lights dimmed and the special hotel-fire-proof candles burning, the room did take on a softer tone.

But nothing could compare to the…completely gorgeous tone it took one when she opened the door to the bathroom.

"Woah," I said as I felt my heart rate increase.

She giggled as she leaned against the frame of the door and turned around when I motioned for her to do so.

I knew she thought it would be funny, so I let out a low wolf whistle, and sure enough, she rewarded me with giggles falling from her lips. She almost tripped though, but quickly regained her composure and went back to leaning against the door frame in a very sexy way; her entire body was elongated like that.

What she was wearing drove me nuts in like…a second. I had no idea where she had found it, but I walked up her slowly, just because her confidence versus my nervousness was throwing me off, and I knew I could make her heart flutter a bit if I did everything slowly.

Sure enough, I kept my gaze on hers as I walked, and when I approached her, I only placed my arm around her waist, stopping centimetres away from touching her lips.

She trembled in my arms and her breath hitched. I knew I wasn't the only nervous one.

"You look so incredibly gorgeous," I whispered in her ear.

"You like?" she asked with a shine in her eyes. She grabbed the ends of the lingerie nightie and pulled them a little to the side, elongating it.

"I love," I replied as she placed her arms around my neck.

"Where did you find that?" I asked her.

"My secret," she giggled. She was wearing this lace nightie that just about covered her panties at the bottom – it was black, extremely see through…and it had white skulls all over it. Her bra and panties were also black, but of a thicker lace – I could see right through her nightie.

"This right here," I said as I gestured up and down, "is without a doubt the sexiest thing I have ever seen in my life," I confessed. "The sexiest thing on the most beautiful and smart girl," I finished.

"I got it for you," she said, her voice clear and soft.

"I love it," I said again, and I felt her give the silent signal – she lifted one of legs to right above my hip. I moved my hands to her waist and gently lifted her. Clare then embraced me as I kissed her slowly.

"The room looks great," she breathed as I carried her. "Love the candles," she added.

"For you," I told her with a smirk as I carried her in my trembling arms.

"You nervous?" she teased as I laid her down gently on the satin-sheet bed.

"I…I am little emotional, yes," I said, deciding to be fully honest with her.

"Why?" she asked, and I kissed her eyelids as she closed her eyes for a minute.

"It just…seeing you like this, all healthy and full of life and…happy, it's…I'm so relieved," I confessed as I felt her exhale.

"I'm happy too," she whispered as she squeezed my biceps.

She then shakily began to take my dress shirt off, and she ran her hands down my chest slowly, watching my torso twitch under her soft hands.

"You _are_ nervous," she said thoughtfully.

"Not nervous," I told her. "Just…emotional," I corrected her as I felt her hands reach for my belt buckle. Woah. She almost touched me further down.

I hung my head as I watched her fingers slide my belt off and open the button on my jeans. She had such a quiet confidence about her, and I realized I wasn't kissing her, so I quickly rectified that mistake.

She stopped her movements when my kisses progressed to her neck.

"Oh, Eli," she softly moaned, as I kissed her over and over again. I could feel both her necklaces under my lips as she closed her body tighter around mine in our embrace.

I kissed her collarbone as her body rose up and down and even arched already at one point.

There was one thing that always drove me completely crazy when I had her like this with me – her necklaces, two of the now, would collapse against her body and rise up and fall down with each breath she took. As those breaths got more rapid and intense, so did the movement of her necklaces - and that, right there, just that, was enough to put me over the edge. I would definitely have to keep a very controlled attitude tonight – I want tonight to be better for her than prom night, which I know was good, but good isn't good enough. Every time that I am with my girl, my goal is to be make it better.

"E-Eli," she was saying softly, closing her eyes often and giving me the chance to kiss her eyelids over and over again.

Her little nightie was so soft and so sexy, and her neck smelled like lilies.

"Mmm," she let out slowly, as my name fell from her lips at the same pace as my kisses advanced down her neck and proceeded to her chest. I gently caressed the exposed skin before kissing it, watching in wonder as it would turn pinker and pinker as I accorded more and more attention to it.

"I love you, so much," I murmured against her skin, and I could tell that she wanted to reply, but that she was too overcome with emotion so she just nodded as she returned her hands to my pant button. She slid down the zipper and gasped when she felt my body's response. She pushed my pants down and I took them off myself. I had already taken off my socks myself as I was waiting for her.

"Eli, Eli, I-I," she stumbled, so I kissed her slowly in order to calm her down a bit.

I snaked my arm around her shoulder and rolled up over so that she was on top of me, and she straddled me with a few giggles.

She touched my guitar pick necklace and kissed all around it, leaning deeper and deeper into my body and kissing me all over my chest. Her scent was driving me crazy, and I began massaging her back gently and kissing her shoulders as I moved my hands to match the rhythm of her kisses on my chest. We were so in sync tonight – every one of our muscles, every one of our kisses seem to be matched, and I only hoped that that would continue. If I could get it to, I could get to feel amazing tonight.

I stopped her kisses of my chest, gently grabbing her by her biceps and pulling her in for a slow, warm and wet kiss.

She responded by raising her hands over her head, and she giggled as I slid off her nightie.

"So beautiful," I immediately whispered out as I ran my hands down her body. "This…is perfection. If that God of yours exists, Clare," I whispered to her, "when he made this body," I said, gently massaging her hips now, "he must have been so proud. He must have been laughing and crying out loud," I told her, and I felt her tremble gently at my words.

"You are so beautiful," I repeated, knowing that after all she had been through with the treatments and everything, there was not enough times that I could say this. When she hid her face in my shoulder, I slowly pulled her out so I could look into her eyes as I said it again.

"I mean it. I stand here in awe at the wonder that is….you," I said as I gently ran my hand down her side and she softly smiled.

"Yes?" was all that she softly asked as I ran my fingers through her short hair.

"You have no idea for how long I'm gonna dream about this," I told her honestly.

"Why dream it when you can live it," she softly said, and she leaned a little down, so I understood her message. I gently put my arm around her back and laid her down on the satin sheets. I knew that she liked this to be very intimate, as did I really, so I pulled out the sheets that were tucked into the bed, and I placed them on the outside of body as I towered above her.

When I saw those necklaces move again, I actually had to close my eyes and stifle a groan. I think Clare heard it though, because she gave me a soft smile and gently ran her fingers through my hair.

She moved the sheets down though, keeping them just at the end of the bed.

"Eli," she said, as she put her hands behind my neck and pulled me in for a kiss.

I then felt her wrap her legs around me, and I caressed her legs slowly as I kissed her deeply. I then moved down a little and kissed her stomach, caressing every inch of it before touching the waist band of her panties. I moved my hand down on the outside of the fabric, and I could tell that she was physically ready, but something told me…not yet.

"You're so perfect," I told her, my voice shaky.

She placed her hand on top of my chest, feeling my heart and looking up at me…full of trust.

"Thank you for not racing to the finish line," she whispered. See, _I knew_ I could read her properly.

"This isn't about the finish line," I said, trembling.

She then gently arched her back gracefully, and I knew what that meant. She nodded when I raised my eyebrow, and I multi tasked, kissing her slowly and deeply as I undid the hook. I kissed her first through the tin lace material before pulling it away from her body and discarding it on the floor.

"Oh-oh," she then let out, loudly. Gone were her whispers. When it was only her skin against my lips, I felt a tremor come across her body.

"E-Eli," she sighed as her eyes fluttered shut. God, that was so sexy – when her eyes did that. It was one of the sexiest things in this world, I knew it.

"Too much," I asked, trembling.

"God no," she moaned. "D-don't stop," she told me, and I continued my explorations of every inch of skin. I caressed her using my hands, and she raised herself off the bed and crawled into my lap. I sat up too, and she turned sideways so she could kiss me while I could caress her entire body.

"That feels amazing," she moaned against my lips.

"Yeah?" I asked her, hoping I could remember all the clues she was giving me for next time.

I gently separated her legs and trailed my hand down her body, and she trembled at the contact.

"You okay," I whispered against her lips.

"I, I," she stumbled as she tossed her head back a little and closed her eyes while saying my name. "I l-llove it," Clare said, making me break out in a smile.

She then whispered, "Lay me back down," and I did as she asked, kissing her entire top body from forehead to the edge of her panties before she whispered, "Take them off".

She gently lifted each leg for me as I separated the thin fabric from her body. They were so tiny, so small, but I knew that such a delicate and fragile thing actually represented an enormity to my girl – her telling me to take them off, giving me that permission, that encouragement – that was huge. I then gently caressed her legs, kissing every inch of her thighs, and trailing my hands slowly up her body.

"OH," she breathed, and I knew that this was the most sensitive part of her body and that I had to take it slow.

I kissed her gently, wanting to calm her down a little, and it worked – I noticed her breathing became a little bit more regulated then.

I felt her trying to reach for my boxers, but I wanted to do something else for her first.

"Wait," I said, gently holding the hand that was at my waistband.

"Do you want me to," I whispered in her ear as I adjusted her a little and caressed her.

She inhaled deeply and sighed, looking up at me with wide eyes and quick breaths.

"I read guys don't like to," was what I heard her say next. _Seriously?_

"Clare, you gotta lose those magazines," I told her, and she giggled. "For you I'd love to," I assured her and she nodded.

"Yes? Would you like me to try it?" I asked her again.

"Yes," she replied, and I felt her hands travel to my hair as she sighed again.

I took my time and kissed her upper body again before making any sudden movements. I'd have to watch her reactions carefully if I was going to do this right.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Clare's POV **

"Oh my God," I breathed as I was overcome with everything possible – emotion, sensation and love.

"Eli, Eli," I repeated, as I pulled him up.

"You okay?" he asked, watching my heaving chest intensely.

"I'm wonderful," I moaned, and I wondered how he could still keep it together in order to kiss me.

"Mmm that's good then, I'm happy," he replied with a smug smirk on his face as he watched my eyes flutter in complete bliss.

I ran my hands through his hair again and smiled up at him and giggled. "You're happy," I repeated with giggles.

I felt my entire body being a little sweaty, so I covered myself up with the satin sheets for a moment.

"Wow," I whispered as I cuddled in his shoulder.

"I did um, try to do that the first time too," he said as he pulled me into an embrace, our breaths both out of control. "It didn't really work," he then frowned.

I didn't know what to say back to that, so I was glad that he was the one to continue instead.

"I...Clare, I just need some time to get to know your rhythms. Then it'll only get better, I mean, I will only get better," he said, kissing me deeply after.

"Better than this?" I said, exhausted and out of breath as I cuddled deeper in his embrace.

Eli just smirked at me in return.

"I love you," I told him emotionally as I straddled him, this time bringing the cool satin sheet on the outside of our embrace. I liked the intimacy that space provided, especially when I was straddling him like this.

"I love you too," he replied, kissing my shoulder and then my lips. "We…I can tell you're tired now," he said, gently placing his hand above my heart as I recovered my breath. He cupped me gently as my eyes fluttered shut at his loving actions.

"No," I said, shaking my head, "not tired," and I ran my hand down his body gently, because I didn't want to be too brusque and hurt him somehow.

"Oh," I felt him exhale as I leaned down and kissed his lips. "Woah," he let out, exhaling deeply, his hands shaking a little.

I pulled him over me so that I was lying down again, and I slowly slid off his boxers as he kissed me hungrily.

I would need…some time, though, I knew that.

"So beautiful, you're so beautiful," I then heard Eli say and I think that was his way of letting me know that he was in no rush. When he began kissing my neck, I knew that he fully understood how I felt.

"Oh, Eli, yes," I told him, moving to wrap my legs around him.

"Wait, wait," he got out between sharp breaths.

"What's wrong," I asked him.

"Nothing, just…" he said, and he muttered, "Sorry," as I saw him reach for his pants, and pull a thin square out of his pant pocket.

"Oh," I said, nodding.

He kissed me again as he towered above me, and I felt myself fully in control of my body again.

"No rush," he trembled as he said, his shaking hands trying to open the packet.

"I got it," I said, taking it out of his hands slowly and pulling the contents out.

"I can put it on you," I offered with a kiss as his breathing was laborious now.

"I…that would be so amazing, and thank you for offering to, thank you for thinking of me right now when it's so overwhelming for you," Eli said, "But if you touch me I have a feeling I won't last more than three seconds," he said with a bit of an awkward laugh. I giggled in response and decided to let him handle this.

He did it quickly and I smiled up at him.

I then felt him gently support himself on his elbows as he moved my short bangs out of my face and kissed me for what seemed like an eternity. His kiss had the innocence of a little boy; there was something so special in the short, tiny kisses that he was alternating with longer, more experienced ones.

"Eli," I told him when I felt ready, "I'm ready," I said clearly.

"Shh, shh," he calmed me, kissing my neck and chest slowly as I wrapped my legs around him. He then trailed his kisses down my body again for a minute before trailing them back up, and he finished with a kiss on my shoulder.

How did he know exactly what I would be feeling? I felt much more at the edge now, and I was glad he had waited.

I kissed him deeply, arching my back off the bed, and he now gently took my legs and placed them on either side of his hips.

"Clare, I love you so much. I will always love you, forever. Tell if this goes downhill, just let me know, okay?" he whispered against my lips.

"Of course," I told him with a smile, and I held my breath and held on to his shoulders.

He was so….careful, so gentle, and so loving. I watched every expression on his face and he watched every expression on mine as our bodies found a synchronization that we had never experienced before.

"E-Eli, Oh Eli," I softly moaned as I gently moved with him, his own follow-up movements a response to everything that I was doing.

"Oh I love you," he muttered. "You okay?" he asked.

"It's perfect, God you're perfect," I said, my chest heaving with each breath.

I could feel every muscle in his body as I held onto him; and they were all on overdrive, as were mine. He kissed me over and over again, both of us running out of breath. He even adjusted the blankets around us as he knew how I liked that, and he quieted my every moan, my every breath, my every scream with calm kisses as he held on for me.

I could tell that he was trying really hard – he kept squeezing his eyes shut and looking down sometimes – and he was caressing every part of my body and whispering "I love you" whenever his breathing permitted it.

It was as if he knew my body already; he knew exactly what I needed and when I needed it, and as I held onto him tighter and tighter, he only took better and better care of me, gently doing everything that I needed him to in order to experience complete and total sweet surrender in his arms. It was something that had not happened to me that first night – not at this intensity anyway - and I could tell that Eli had been very much working toward it tonight.

He'd been working toward it with love and attention and care, and looking at him and feeling my body in his embrace is what finally made the moment possible for me; a moment that my girlfriends had never experienced and what those magazines made sound like a troublesome thing to get to.

I knew that he could tell when it happened for me, not only because I held onto him tighter and whispered his name, but because I shivered in his arms with sweet aftershocks for a few minutes after, as he kept up his caresses and his deep kisses, inducing the extension of the moment for me.

His own moment came soon after mine, his entire body also shaking, and his torso lifting upwards for a second before he let out a shaky exhale, his entire body trembling as he looked into my eyes.

"I love you," were the first words that he said as soon as he gained control over his breath as I lied in his arms, and he caressed me through the soft satin sheet, always so concerned with me.

"Eli…that was…heavenly," I giggled in his arms as I felt him kiss me deeply. "The way you read everything I was feeling…_that_ was what made it so good for me," I told him.

"Thank you for being so open with me, so trusting, it never would have worked otherwise," Eli replied as he kissed my shoulder and gently caressed me until my breathing became somewhat normal again.

"Of course," I said as I sighed blissfully, resting my head on his chest.

"Worth the wait?" I then teased him.

"Definitely, always," Eli said as he raised my head up and placed a kiss on my forehead. "Hey," he added, making sure I was looking at him, "Always worth the wait. Never any pressure, Clare. We never _have to_ do this, and I only want to when you want to," he said again, and I don't know if this was humanly possible, but my heart swelled with love for this boy as I lay there in his arms.

"I know," I said with a smile.

"How was it," I whispered, "for you?" I asked, because he had been so focused on me the entire time.

"Are you kidding me?" he said as he cuddled me deeper in his embrace. "The girl that I love is healthy and happy and she wants to spend the night with me. There is only one answer to how that make me feel, how that is. Amazing," Eli said as he placed a kiss over my necklace.

"I mean, specifically," I hesitated.

"Absolutely amazing," he said without missing a beat. "There is nothing that makes me feel better than knowing you feel good. That's why…it usually happens for me after it does for you," he whispered.

I held onto him tighter and sighed happily. "_You_ are so wonderful," I told him with a quick kiss.

"You are the one who is wonderful," Eli corrected me as I felt him gently reach for my nightie.

"It's cold at night," he said with a shrug.

"And that will keep me warm?" I said, shooting him a doubtful look. "Or do you just like seeing me in see through nighties with skulls on them?" I shot playfully.

"I'm busted," Eli retorted with a laugh. "Well, I'll also keep the blankets around you, and then, you also have me to keep you warm," he pointed out, and as he said that I snuggled further into his embrace and placed a kiss on his bicep.

"I do have you," I said meaningfully as he gently put my nightie on.

"You do," he confirmed. "In one year we'll be together, working for our dreams," he said reassuringly.

"That's right, _our_ dreams," I said, emphasizing the possessive pronoun in the sentence.

"I'll never stop fighting okay? For us," Eli then whispered in my ear as he spooned me and placed his arm around my waist protectively. Even at night, always so protective, I thought with a smile.

"Me either," I whispered back as I intertwined the fingers of both of our hands together.

"Thank you for a perfect trip to New York," I added as I watched his eyes close.

"Anything for my girl, " he mumbled sleepily as I cuddled in his arms and felt…perfectly happy, healthy, loved, and...safe.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Thank you all lovely readers and please leave me a review for this very last long chapter!**


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